<p>I'm counting the days until my lovely, intelligent daughter leaves for college next fall. She's driving me insane.</p>
<p>My daughter is a prime example of an over acheiver when it comes to grades. She has an unweighted GPA of 4.0. She's never gotten anything but an A on a grade card since grade school. Last week she was accepted ED to her dream school of Brown.</p>
<p>Now, we understand that she needs to keep her grades up to keep her acceptance to Brown, but she bombed on AP English final, which dropped her class score to a 91%, and she's freaking out. She's terrified that Brown's going to recind their acceptance.</p>
<p>I'm so frustrated with her that I can't figure out what to say to get her understand that she still has an A- in the class. She doesn't seem to understand that this one little speed bump is not going to derail her chances at Brown.</p>
<p>Can anyone help me with the words I need to open her eyes to the fact that Brown is not going to change their minds just because she didn't do well on one exam? Please?</p>
<p>Could her GC perhaps be a knowledgeable nonparent who is familiar with Brown and who understands when Brown, or any college, might actually rescind?</p>
<p>well, this is an ugly monster, perfectionism</p>
<p>can't wait till she is perfect in college...this is actually a very good thing to happen to her</p>
<p>that it is okay to not be perfect, the world doesn't stop, you still love her, nothing awful will happen</p>
<p>for her to "get that" - well, how many years did it take for her to get to this point?</p>
<p>did she know through her life that getting a B was okay?</p>
<p>this is a much bigger issue than this one test grade </p>
<p>did she ever not succeed at anything? how did she react to that?</p>
<p>I ask this because it is an issue she needs to deal with before she gets to Brown, where she will be just one of many 4.0 hs students, and reality may hit and hit hard</p>
<p>If she is reacting this strongly to one test, I can't imagine how she will handle a C on a college test, which is very possible</p>
<p>Maybe you can show her this, AdOfficer wrote this in another thread</p>
<p>
<p>Admissions officers look at the whole senior year program...we know if
you're taking it easy in the second semester...it isn't a good idea to
bring down the rigor of your curriculum at any point in the senior year
if you're applying to most selective schools - there are scores of
students taking AP Calc BC, AP Physics and Chem, and other difficult AP
courses through the end of their senior years applying to these schools
- taking it easy at any point in the senior year sends a pretty strong
message to an admissions officer.</p>
<p>And as for ED admits, it is really not a good idea to let your grades
slip - a few B grades (and I mean a few, like 1 or 2) isn't going to
hurt, but seeing a general downward trend in grades at midyear or for
final grades is going to get you in hot water.
<p>Just be glad it happened now. 'Cause it's gonna happen to all of them if they test themselves with difficult yet rewarding classes at a tough school. </p>
<p>D didn't have it happen until freshman writing seminar (that she AP'ed out of and voluntarily took) first semester First-Year. Her First non A. Then her Second. Third. Fourth. I don't think the prof ever gave any of the 15 kids an A on any assignment, and D had never received less than an A on ANY test or in this case, paper. Going in she was told "she doesn't give A's" . Didn't phase the kid a whit. Trudged right in like The Queen of Sheba. </p>
<p>So - final grade? A-. D was NOT happy. But you know what? The next semester she still took the "hard" never give an A prof for Humanities, and dang if she didn't pull another A-. (Seems to be a "truth in advertising" trend. LOL)</p>
<p>So this semester she takes a guantlet of courses like the gauntlet in A Man Called Horse. 5 science courses, including Organic Chem, three more upper-level Bio courses, and Physics . If that's not enough 3 of them had labs.</p>
<p>She had a mouthful. She knew she couldn't spit it out and knew that it was going to be hard to swallow.<br>
She did great and I think some of it was that the pressure of perfection was off. I think that's a good thing, and I think her experiences in those two classes helped. YMMV.</p>
<p>So not my life! I've always been pretty laid back about my grades, and hearing about worries like this makes me very happy about that. :)</p>
<p>She should talk to her GC if she's honestly worried about Brown rescinding. It's a ridiculous notion: unless the student drops to Ds and Fs, s/he doesn't have much to worry about at the majority of these schools. I wouldn't suggest that she ask her friends. Some of them may be hurting from their EA decisions at this time, so she may come across as insensitive or bragging. </p>
<p>I'm not sure what the Brown grading policy is, but she should prepare herself for more non-A grades in college. She could find herself struggling for a B- if she takes a tough schedule. She definitely needs to relax.</p>
<p>A friend of mine had a daughter who was accepted at Yale SCEA and never applied anywhere else. Her second-semester grades senior year included no As and three Cs. She got a letter from Yale asking her for an explanation. (The explanation was she stopped working and had a lot of fun.) She is a junior at Yale.</p>
<p>A certain close relative went from all As to three As, an A-, and two Cs in senior year. That didn't even draw a letter.</p>
<p>Here's what the Dean of Admissions at Chicago had to say about it a couple of years ago (addressing the incoming first years):</p>
<p>
[quote]
We hope, just because you imagined that when you arrived you would catch a whiff of the corpse of fun, that you didn’t delay your departure. Maybe you thought…you got the wrong letter! Or, that we changed our decision – we found out that you didn’t study for your calculus placement exam, or read The Iliad, or memorize French idioms, or, that we really paid attention to your spring semester C- in AP Chemistry – that instead you went to the beach, de-tassled corn, or drank a root beer – things no University of Chicago student is supposed to do. But – we don’t make mistakes, and, stare decisus –the decision stands (for the next day or so, the Latin phase newscasters will take the most pleasure in saying), stare decisus, unless you really think those old judges didn’t know what they were doing – stare decisus – “you’re stuck” is the English translation.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I do know some kids whose acceptances got rescinded. They were caught with marijuana on a school trip in a foreign country. One school rescinded its acceptances, but not for a kid who had been accepted ED (and thus had nowhere else to go). Two others had to go hat in hand to schools they had declined and ask to be allowed in (which they were). (Luckily, this happened in April, before everything got set in stone.)</p>
<p>I just watched the movie "Election" with my S last evening on TV. Reese Witherspoon plays a girl who sounds a bit like this. She just can't stand to lose anything. I don't know how to help you, but she's just a recognizable type of person. Nor am I suggesting to rent it to watch with her; the parallels are obvious and she'd be deeply insulted. If she were to watch it among girlfriends without you nearby, maybe. If you watch it with her, preview it because it could really backfire and I'd hate to cause you to hurt her feelings deeply, which it would. </p>
<p>Another idea: Suggest to your D that there's a social dimension to living with people, and that you find it really hard to listen to all of this in your home. You're not perfect and it's disheartening to think someone else is trying to be perfect. Don't tell her what to say or feel about her grades, but just let her know it's very dispiriting to you and makes you feel wretched to hear it in the middle of your workday. It's not about her, it's about the impact of her rants on your happy mood. Own your feelings and leave her to ponder that.</p>
<p>With the ED in the bag, it's time now to relax a bit on the academic competition and begin to consider how she sounds to others around her, since soon there will be a roommate, suitemates, hallmates. They will all be endeavoring to transition from being the top student to one among many other top students. Applaud her for holding her standards high but ask her why this is so devastating to her to get any slip whatsoever. </p>
<p>Or see if you can both volunteer a day together in a Homeless Shelter, Food bank, or hospital over the holidays. Perhaps if she'd see some real people concerns, she'd gain wider perspective on herself. That idea is a bit of a stretch, but some kids might react to understand it through such an experience, if you go together and discuss after.</p>
<p>I think she's just been in the habit of reacting like this, because up until around last October, all everyone was telling her was that she needed stratospheric stats to get into her ED. And in a way, that proved correct. So you're experiencing years of a conditioned response to hate any A- and be scared of it. That only changed very recently. Habits don't change overnight.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your input, it was quite helpful.</p>
<p>I'd like to just clarify that besides being extremely driven on her classroom grades, she's really not all that dedicated to anything else. She's actually quite lazy at times.</p>
<p>I've not only seen the movie Election, but it's one of our favorites. Trust me when I tell you, she is the furthest thing from the Reese Witherspoon character as you can get. We watch the movie together regularly and have a great time comparing and contrasting her personality with the characters. </p>
<p>I just shared some of your thoughts with her, and she thanks you all, too. She's feeling much better now. One of her main problems is that she doesn't feel like she deserves the ED acceptance because she's not the Reese Witherspoon character. When I just talked to her, I reminded her again that she will get B's in college, especially at a college like Brown. Her response to that was, "By then I won't care, I'll already be in college". It was actually kind of funny.</p>
<p>I would be a bit worried about her lack of perspective, honestly. Also, about the fact that, judging by the "By then I won't care" quote, she sees college as the end to which she was working, instead of another step. That's a recipe for something to go horribly wrong at a challenging school. I've certainly seen people put in all this effort trying to get into the best colleges, and then figure that they're set once they're in. College is where the challenge <em>starts</em>.</p>
<p>This happens eventually to almost every A student. The fact that she is already dealing with this is great and a good sign. Changing gears can take a minute. I recall getting my first, gasp, B+ in college. I quite literally felt my world shake...I reached for the door frame for support! What a memory! I take her comment about already being in college as a healthy jibe at herself. It all sounds good to me!</p>
<p>mamafox - It sounds like the storm has passed, but I want to add one thing that hasn't been mentioned yet. If your D was ranting to her friends the way she was ranting to you about this slight imperfection, she's going to have a lot of very annoyed friends. Those less perfect students find it really obnoxious when someone agonizes about a grade that they would actually be happy to receive. Especially if it involves reiteration of the fact that the agonizer got in ED to a fantastic school! I'm not assuming your D is doing this, but if you suspect she is, a friendly reminder to be considerate of her friends might be in order.</p>
<p>rainmama, you are so right about that, but not to worry. My daughter is so laid back, and concerned about her friends that some of them didn't know she'd been accepted until they saw MY facebook.</p>
<p>We had a similar experience when daughter (in grade 10) saw her straight 'A's dropping to A-s' and a B+. She was bummed, but got over it, and is becoming more philosophical in how many hours are usable in a day. She is working hard, and playing hard, so I am glad she is finding a balance.</p>
<p>Fortunately, at DD's high school, nobody graduated without some A- and B+, DD was val and she had some.</p>
<p>What DD found stressful was that once she was accepted at her school, classmates always wanted to know what she got & if it wasn't one of the highest grades, they would kid her about it. So, maybe some of what your daughter is dealing with isn't her own perfection, but having been accepted at Brown she must prove something to others. Silly, but understandable, particularly if few kids are going to a school that is so selective. </p>
<p>I think her comment about grades IN college is revealing. Unless they are worried about getting into med school, I think a lot of these kids look at college as a reward for all their hard work in hs. Not that they don't continue to work, but I don't think they feel the same pressure. IMHO.</p>
<p>Agree with mafool. Its VERY important that she get some Bs this year. She is unlikely to have straight As at Brown and she needs to get over it now. I was not at all like her but I still remember the shock in my freshman year at Columbia when I looked around my advanced chemistry class and realized (despite being a chem major) that at least half the kids in the class were smarter than me!</p>