Anyone care to score an essay?

<p>BB #7 Essay: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>Time: 23:30</p>

<pre><code> The modern society is populated with people from all walks of life. Walking down a city street, one may happen to pass people of various ethnicities and socioeconomic backgrounds. People of different ages express varying levels of maturity: children show us our innermost wants and desires while elderly people convey to us a sense of wisdom. There is something to be learned from everybody, and it is in learning more about others that we are able to better understand ourselves

In Lord of the Flies by William Golding, a group of schoolboys get deserted on an island. Instead of working together harmoniously they break off into subgroups and begin fighting with one another. In midst of this fighting, they boys miss different opportunities to be rescued. None of they boys seem to be focused on what is important. This novel reflects what is going on in our society today--people are more focused on petty problems and small differences than they are on the larger picture.

This novel's characters are an example themselves of people that can help us better understand ourselves. This novel makes a striking point, and we, as a society can learn from it. The literary world is full of examples of people we can learn from.

On a more personal level, one can understand himself better by becoming immersed in a plethora of people. Diversity is a glorious thing, it encourages us to learn from one another. Ancient Chinese medicine is an example of something that has been taken from folklore and placed into a modern hospital setting. Customs from other cultures, while odd to an outsider, can be an eye-opening experience.

The world is full of other people, and every one of them has something to teach us. From the child that is happy without an abundance of material things to the wealthy man sitting unhappy in his lavish mansion, something about our own humanity is present in everyone. In exploring the feelings of others, we pave the road to our own mind; and on this road we find a great deal that we did not know before.
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<p>(800 Writing SAT, 12/12 ACT writing)</p>

<ol>
<li>I like your intro. It shows your point and expresses your point. Maybe simplify that thesis a little? But otherwise, I really liked it. It was effective.</li>
<li>Lord of the Flies-great example. I was a bit confused by it though. You don’t really explain how the boys understood each other through the others. Or is your point that we are using hte boys in the book to elarn about ourselves? If so, it is a bit strange to use book characters for your argument. The prompt is talking about people.</li>
<li>Also, for those 2 Lord of the Flies paragraphs, you didn’t analyze much. If you explain HOW people learn from those mistakes, it would be more effective.</li>
<li>chinese medicine-Another great idea. However, I felt you missed the prompt here, too. It shows that other people help us, but how does it help us learn more about ourselves?</li>
</ol>

<p>Honestly, I can tell that you’re a good writer. I was a bit confused by this essay though. I think you went for something that was a bit different from the prompt. I think they would have given you a 6/12. If you got the prompt more clearly, I would have given an 8/12. With more explanation, looking at an 11. Your examples are great and you demonstrate that you can extract good points of views from those examples. And a clear intro is always a plus.</p>

<p>*To anyone, if I just misread this essay and it actually does fit the essay, PLEASE let me know.</p>