<p>It took 24 hours but I got the dreaded call. DD doesn't know a soul at her new school, roommate has found a friend and disappeared. She likes the roommate but no one else she has met. She didn't say she wants to come home but is NOT happy. </p>
<p>I did the cheerful mom thing. Everyone in the dorm was out at an optional orientation program. I suggested she put on a DVD and leave the door open and maybe someone would find her, since she was not open to the idea of roaming the halls looking for company. I also pointed out that things will get better once classes start and life becomes more normal.</p>
<p>My daughter is a sophmore this year. I received a few distress calls last year and there were a few threads on this. The consensus seems to be not to get too caught up with their emotions. They may feel lonely or upset for an hour or so, but meanwhile you are worried sick until they called again. It is very normal for kids to feel lonely the first few weeks. They are totally out of their comfort zone. I think the best thing you could do is just to listen, not even to offer advice. </p>
<p>I got a call from my daughter last night complaining about her bed at her sorority. It is too lumpy and soft and she has a bad back. It was an easy thing to fix. I got online, ordered a new mattress, she'll have it next week. Emotional stuff is much harder. Just sit tight. I bet you that she is probably hanging out with a group of kids by now.</p>
<p>Freshman year, my older daughter arrived at school (300 miles from home) only to find that she had been assigned the roommate from hell. She called home in tears several times before calming down. My daughter is a junior now and still living with that original roommate, now a great friend. Things tend to work out if they give them a chance to. :)</p>
<p>I sympathize - they're very hard on mom (and it is usually mom who gets them), especially at first. Hazmat has a good point: Be glad she called you. And oldfort is right, too: Just listening is usually the most helpful thing you can do.</p>
<p>And try not to wring your hands too much after you hang up. One name for these conversations is "dump calls" - 9 times out of 10, after they "dump" it all on mom, they feel better, often so much so that if you were to call back, you'd find they've gone off to do something fun.</p>
<p>Hariett, I totally heard that from one of my friends about her previously "sweetness and light" daughter. All of her freshman year, every time they'd talk to the daughter everything was uniformly terrible. They dreaded talking to her and dreaded her coming home. But when others outside the family asked her how things were, she'd turn into sweetness and light girl again.</p>
<p>One thing I am recommending to anyone who will listen is to encourage your freshman get involved in the presidential campaign of their candidate of choice. I went off to a huge school, not knowing anyone and also had the room mate from hell (we did NOT later become fast friends.) The lifesaver for me was the Jimmy Carter campaign. I instantly got to know other like minded college students and a few adults who mothered me a bit. The friendships did not last all the way through school, but they sure got me through that lonely first semester.</p>
<p>Why did she not go to the Orientation program if "everyone" in the dorm went? You should encourage her to do these things as this is how she will bond with her dormmates. She has to at least meet them half way. That being said, remember, she will call when she is feeling blue. When she is happy ten minutes later, she will not call and let you know!!! I think this is universal! Good luck!</p>
<p>Yup, missypie. That obnoxious "save the drama for your mama" phrase is deeply rooted in real life practice. :D</p>
<p>(And it also reminds me of those first few teacher conferences, where the teachers were talking about some attentive, respectful, generous, lovely, wonderful child and I was absolutely certain they'd mixed up the files, because nothing they said matched up with my little hellions.)</p>
<p>GREAT advice re the campaign. It's going to be a lively fall on most campuses this year!</p>
<p>I did read on another thread as oldfort mentioned, that one mom had the 24 hr rule and that was to just listen, not react and in 24 hrs things usually were okay and sometimes they didn't even remember being stressed out about something.</p>
<p>Last year, as a freshman, I was absolutely pitiful.</p>
<p>All through high school, I had convinced myself that I wanted to go as far away from home as possible. But, then after I had left, I immediately regretted that decision. I would call my mom atleast twice a day crying/complaining about how terrible school was and how I wanted to come home. She would encourage me to get involved in things, hang out with friends, focus on my school work. At first, I was so mad at her. I claimed she "didnt understand how I felt" and that she was being insensitive. Of course, now I know she was just trying to get me to take my mind off of being homesick. But, at the time, I thought she just didn't care. It took me a few months to get over this. Eventually, I got the hang of things and ended up having a great time and meeting some awesome friends. </p>
<p>My point: Don't be surprised when your son/daughter is upset. It's going to happen at some point. College is life altering experience. And while I was waaayy too dramatic, more so than most, you gotta give them some credit (atleast theyre only calling you about it and not showing up on your door step with their bags). Honestly, you can't help them. I know it's hard for most parents to see their child hurting or sad, but adjusting to college is something they have to do on their own. The best thing you can do is listen to them and tell them that you miss them too and that you're proud of them for doing this (for being at school all alone, and being strong enough to push through it). </p>
<p>And who knows, they may even decide to go back next year. :)</p>
<p>Realize that what she probably needed to do was to vent to a sympathetic ear. After she had vented, she may have gone off and had a perfectly wonderful time. Typically, parents hear from their college students the most when the students are miserable. When things are going wonderfully, the kids enjoy life and don't call or e-mail. I also was like this when I was in college.</p>
<p>I am terrible at this, and dreading the phone calls but expecting them. My natural tendency as a mother is to immediately go to "this is the wrong place, I have to rescue her" etc. Which is, of course, exactly what she is thinking and NOT what she needs me to contribute to. </p>
<p>Thank you for all of these reminders to be a listening ear, a supportive presence, and to remain calm. Good luck to all of us, I know I will need it.</p>
<p>I haven't gotten one yet, but I fully expect to. There will be bad days and good days. They are so homesick at first.<br>
Does she not have anyone from any of her orientation groups that she can at least have a meal with until classes start and she meets more people there? Can she not tag along with roommate and friend?</p>
<p>I like the leaving the door open advice. I also like putting things on the outside of the door that stop people. Cartoons, maps (any kind!), stange art are good. I particularly like the suggestion to put a box of bandaids on the outside of your door or a box of pencils. Other door/ice breaker ideas? </p>
<p>Why wasn't she at the orientation? She didn't have someone to sit with?</p>
<p>Having experienced something like this my daughter's freshman year, I know how worried this can make you. It seems that little groups form quickly to them, and they're not sure where to go. It was not the experience she expected, particularly with the absent, partying roommate. Unfortunately her floor never jelled and it was a disjointed year. There 's no quick answer. Suggestions to get involved and that things will get better when classes start are all true. For us, I was always available by phone, it helped me and she would tell you that it helped her.</p>
<p>I didn't get a crying phone call, but I did get one where she just sounded a little sad. And the next day I got an email about watching the olympics with a bunch of other kids and how much fun they had. </p>
<p>I do totally agree with the poster who said that the kids need to 'push through it'. Sympathy is a wonderful thing, and part of our job as parents is to make sure our children are loved and secure, but they also NEED to learn how to do things that are difficult and challenging and sometimes unpleasant. </p>
<p>As my children get older, I practice the mantra "gee honey, I'm sorry you're going through that". Period. And then let them tell me how they plan to fix it.</p>