<p>Does anyone have any experience with a child for whom things went seriously wrong? It would be nice to know some warning signs to be able to differentiate between saving the drama for mama and true impending disaster. I guess most of us know our kids well enough to tell the difference???.....</p>
<p>I think that what you hear about, in many cases, means no serious problem (I cannot speak for kids with Aspergers, depression, etc) My Dd had a serious issue that grew over a year and she never said a peep, even on trips home, even when I was working in the area of her school and had a gut feeling there was a problem and quizzed her, until the poop hit the fan and it was dire straights.</p>
<p>My kids are very transparent...they CALL with good news and they send emails with bad news. When DD was having a roommate issue (not a problem roommate...an absentee one), she wrote emails about it. She writes emails about bad grades, bad food, you name it. When things go well, she calls. Ditto for DS. He calls with good news...and writes with bad. I don't think either of my kids likes to have me "console" them over the phone when the news isn't cheery. </p>
<p>I agree with the poster who suggested that next time this OP's daughter GO on the orientation types of trips. If everyone else was going, it would have been worth a whirl, unless she had other plans. </p>
<p>My DD was not all that active in her school as a freshman, but we kept encouraging her to join some clubs, find some activities..etc. She sure did as a sophomore!! Now entering her Jr year, she is very eager to get rolling with all the things she has to do....with her cadre of friends. </p>
<p>It takes time...</p>
<p>Tell her to get dressed out up and head over to the rec center to workout. In addition to getting her out of her room she can burn up some of that extra energy and meet some other people in a comfortable setting for one to head to alone yet be around other people.</p>
<p>((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
Hang in there moms (and dads) it is so hard to hear them struggle but it is what it is about....be there with a sympathetic ear, i am sorry you feel that way, that must be tough, stick with the we're proud of you and love you...miss you too. Encourage her to join some clubs early on...the first few weeks are very critical because that is when people are most open , but groups are open a lot longer.</p>
<p>My D2 expressed a desire to transfer for a month or so but never after that....she didnt' get that involved but was social during classes and a group but liked her alone time and got used to it.</p>
<p>Good for you to be there for her. let her call you though.</p>
<p>Time for an update. She called today and sounded quite chipper. She'd made a class change after spending time with her advisor, she joined a club, and was planning to participate in tonight's orientation activity after learning the hard way that it's no fun to be in the dorm alone. I cheered her on and hung up. Maybe I'll get more of the first type of call but I hope I gets lots of the second.</p>
<p>Glad she's doing so well and took the time to let you know!</p>
<p>It can be a bit of a roller coaster the first few weeks or months when they leave for college for the first time. Just hold on for the ride! LOL</p>
<p>Glad to hear you got a positive phone call, zoey.</p>
<p>I am sure I will be in this boat next year. I think one important thing, as a few others have suggested, is to know how to put a distressed phone call in perspective. My son is definitely the no news is good news type--he mostly calls when he is upset. I know this from having sent him away to camp for the last three summers. The first year was awful--he could call home only once a week, and for the first three or four weeks those calls were so sad. He would cry, and then I would hang up and cry (fortunately he never asked to come home). But by the end of the summer he had had a great time (and has gone back the past two years). I am sure college will be the same way.</p>
<p>Homesickness happens. They have to learn to move through it to grow. When we went to school you couldn't call home so easily and had to deal with it. Not so sure the easy access is better the first few weeks. After a while you can tell if it is serious or not. Homesickness should pass as they get into the school activities, classes and start to meet people. Agree with jude_36, a sympathetic ear is often only thing needed.</p>
<p>Zoey, I've been there & done that. D was far away with no friends & a roommate who was not interested in being her friend. It was very hard for her for several weeks. I wasn't going to go to Parents Weekend, but I did. I was glad that I went. It really helped her. Of course, she eventually made friends & had fun. It just took time. I remembered my own loneliness well. I DID have friends, but still felt lonely at times ... so I could sympathize with my D. I just reminded her that it takes time. She didn't think she'd ever be happy, but she eventually was. I won't say that things were all hunky dory ... some may remember my New Year's lament about D not wanting to return to school after the holidays. She decided early on to transfer, which she did (we dropped her off at her new school this week). But she did have some wonderful times & made great friends. One of those friends is now her roommate (both transferred). When H & I left yesterday, she was just fine. Today's phone call had to do with banking, not loneliness. In the end, things work out. Of course, I got many, many more gray hairs in the process! :)</p>
<p>They definitely call to moan, then when things are good again seem to forget you are home worrying</p>
<p>zoey -- YAYY for chipper phone calls! I'm so glad she sounded better!</p>
<p>My friend just got a call from her freshman son, "Ugh, mom, I think WE have a problem. I can't get into the lab class I need. Do you think you could call the school." My friend said, "No, WE do not have a problem. YOU have a problem, here is the number in case if you don't have it."</p>
<p>kelsmom, </p>
<p>Why did she decide to transfer, and how soon did she know that she did? Did she have a school in mind that she wished she had gone to? </p>
<p>I am half-expecting this to come up with my D, and I'm not sure how to tell a momentary or transitional unhappiness from a serious unhappiness. I guess doing the supportive thing in either case. If she says she wants to transfer, support that process and see if it fades or takes hold. There are a few reasons why this school may not turn out to be a good fit for her. I really hope it is, but am prepared for the possibility that it is not.</p>
<p>My daughter was admitted to her dream school, and was very excited to be there. She wasn't homesick, she was sad that things weren't turning out the way she had hoped. She has done everything she could to turn it around on her own, really there isn't anything a parent can do other than be encouraging and perhaps make suggestions. I think my daughter realized that the school isn't the perfect fit she thought it was when she was applying. She has found ways to be successful there in spite of this, and doesn't want to transfer. Do you think that with all the hoopla around college admissions, Ivy schools, etc. expectations have been set too high for what the college experience really is?</p>
<p>If your student is feeling down and considering transfer be sure to remind them not to slack on grades or they may be stuck in the "bad" school</p>
<p>Heron, my D actually started second-guessing her choice during the summer before she started school (she had a really hard time making her decision in the first place). This made the first few weeks that much more difficult - uncertainty on top of loneliness. I encouraged her to take it one day at a time, and told her that the option of transferring would be there if need be. She took a freshman seminar class that forced her to look at what she really wants to do with her future, and she decided that she needed something different in terms of schools. She wanted a wider choice of classes & a more rigorous academic climate (old school was very good, but new school will be more challenging). She found classes that really "spoke" to her interests. Unlike her senior year, she did all of the application work on her own (no Mom nagging necessary). She chose her classes carefully, in order to maximize her chances of getting transfer credit. Each time she picked classes (trimester, so 2 more times), she was more certain she needed a school with more options that appealed to her. She visited the other school's campus twice during the year, stopping random students & talking to them. She got a course catalog & made sure the sequence of courses truly met her needs. All the while, she slowly became more comfortable where she was & made a wonderful group of friends. Eventually, she opened up to a friend about wanting to transfer. That helped, as she no longer was keeping a secret. Her friends understood. She did a lot on campus & had a great time with her friends. When she finally found out that she was accepted by her new school (which she had turned down the year before), she was thrilled to go but sad to leave her friends. As luck would have it, one of the girls in her group also applied to & was accepted by the new school. She knew herself better this time around, and she chose her school with this knowledge in mind. She realizes no place is perfect, and she has gone into it this time with a clearer understanding of why she is there & a better sense of what she will get out of it. It is good to give a situation time to get better, but it is also good to realize that sometimes it's okay to make a change.</p>
<p>D went on a six month foreign exchange during high school, and one of the things AFS (her exchange program) warns both students and parents about is not reacting too quickly. In fact, they strongly discourage phone calls more than once every two or three weeks because the calls home also seriously exacerbate the homesickness. The one time my daughter did send me a "how awful everything is" email I made an unplanned phone call at the next reasonable time (given the huge time difference) only to learn that she was feeling quite a bit better and was sorry she'd reacted so quickly.</p>
<p>We learned a lot from that experience. Adjustment to being away from home isn't easy, but sometimes the electronic umbilical cord isn't helping us. AFS strongly encourages written (gasp) letters and journals, and if fact those proved to be wonderful.</p>
<p>You can't reasonably helicopter from 8000 miles away, and I suspect that it was pretty helpful for us to learn that. Our kids are bright, and for the most part they will figure things out and be glad to have done so if we give them the chance.</p>
<p>I can't imagine that twice-a-day phone calls are helpful, but YMMV.</p>
<p>kelsmom -- Sounds familiar. One of the reasons I'm worried is that mine also seriously reconsidered her choice this summer, and almost went to one of her other choices at the last minute. She decided to see this one through, and I'm hoping it works out for her. Thanks for sharing your D's experience.</p>