<p>It seems like there are more D's than S's making tearful phone calls. I really don't think there was anything (or anyone) he missed at home (including me)</p>
<p>the only sad call I ever got was to inform me his phone had gone swimming in the toilet. </p>
<p>I found that I got alot more calls and info when I wasn't pressing him for info. For my son, it worked better that he called me most of the time instead of me barging in on him with a call</p>
<p>Heron, I sympathize with your situation. Be there as a shoulder to cry on, and encourage your D to enjoy "where she is." Let her know that she is welcome to change her mind, but that she needs to do so with a purpose (not just jumping out of one frying pan into another). I found that texting was a good thing ... too many phone calls led to tears. Texts keep emotions in check!</p>
<p>sueinphilly, I agree about letting the kid do the calling. It seems to work best. Your S sounds like mine ... when he went off to camp as a young guy, he told me he never missed us once! He will be one to only call once in a blue moon.</p>
<p>Just had the first phone call at 3 a.m this morning, but she hasn't left yet, and it wasn't a phone call. It was a loud wailing noise coming from her upstairs bedroom.</p>
<p>Oh, Heron, I feel for you. From what you have posted here and on other threads, I really think this may be a kid who is just not ready. No harm or shame in pulling the plug and waiting a year, it may be the best gift you can give her. My #3, who is on the young side and had a serious ilness in HS that derailed him, took a year between HS and college and did a PG year at a boarding school. Delaying college was absolutely the best thing in the world for him. He has more in that year than we ever could have imagined and happily entered college last week full of confidence. Life is not a race, delaying for a year may really be what she needs. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Thanks for the support, my-3-sons. I really need it. I feel so weary & unsure of myself (not my usual mode). I've been thinking about it all night and I agree with you on the readiness issue. I don't think she has any idea what she want to do or where she wants to be. So far she's made the same decision twice and regretted it deeply both times. We are supposed to leave on Wednesday (sag) and I have wondered if something like this would happen. Will keep you posted.</p>
<p>Heron- hugs to you.</p>
<p>My suggestion at this point is to soldier on. She's already made her decision and even if she's second-guessing herself while she's on the line to get her photo taken for her ID, it's not as though you'll all be able to come up with a Plan B at this point which will be better than hanging tough for one semester in college. Part of the maturing process is understanding when you have to accept a sub-optimal situation if only because the other options are worse. You've paid tuition; even if she doesn't have the time of her life, she'll complete four college level classes which will expand her horizons, teach her something new, maybe expose her to a fantastic professor or two who will excite her about something she never knew existed.</p>
<p>I think you can continue to give her the message that you're behind her 100%, that you know she'll survive even if this college isn't 100% right for her, and that there are so many great things to learn at any college, that you know she'll find something to love once classes start.</p>
<p>For many kids it's easy to forget that college isn't HS on steroids. She could take a linguistics class or history of the Renaissance or a course on the geopolitics of energy or whatever which could change her life forever. So even if she transfers, and doesn't find "her people", getting her off to college so she can sit in a lecture hall and begin the process of figuring it out will be more helpful (in my opinion) than sitting home second guessing herself again.</p>
<p>It is a myth that kids go off to college knowing what they want to do. And those that do.... end up switching three or four times anyway. My neighbors kid who is the enthnomusicologist went off to be pre-med. She was so sure she was premed that the only thing she cared about when looking at colleges was their med school admit rates and the quality of the premed advising. She was actually irritated to learn that she'd actually have to major in something, and that she'd have to take some humanities courses to fufill the schools requirements to get a BS. So she picked some cultural anthropology course since the online reviews suggested it had the highest rate of A's of any course which would fulfill her social science requirement. Loved the professor, loved the TA, took the second semester course on the Art of pre-literate societies or something, and that was it. Good bye medicine.</p>
<p>You will survive this week. Any vodka in the freezer? (for you, not your D!)</p>
<p>Great post, Blossom. And yes, hugs (and chilled vodka) to you, Heron. </p>
<p>I concur with those who say don’t pull the plug. Your D agonized over her choices over the past months, but she did eventually make a choice. Let her live with it. By Thanksgiving, she will know if the choice was wrong. Then she can make an informed decision about whether she needs to transfer or take some time off before returning to college. However it plays out, it will be an opportunity for her to learn about herself and what she wants from a college experience. But without spending some time on the campus she has chosen, she has no way to know what she really values, no chance to test whether she’s ready. She may just have an advanced case of the stress that every kid experiences before college. Her anxiety may slowly dissolve once she’s on campus.</p>
<p>I also agree with blossom. I don't think it's a good idea to back out at this point. It's okay to offer the possibility of taking next semester off if need be ... but for now, I think she should go ahead with her plans. As I told my D, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger! She may end up loving it ... she may end up hating it ... but she'll definitely learn something about herself in the process. That beats moping around the house. While I know that a gap year is a terrific idea for some, it's not for everyone. I know that it would NOT have been an option for my D. From your posts, I am guessing it's not really a good option for your D, either, Heron. </p>
<p>Hang in there. It will be tough on you; I know from experience. You'll get through it, though, and so will your D.</p>
<p>To all the parents with this issue, it brings back my own freshman experience. There are so many reasons for this to happen from lack of "fit" as some one else mentioned, to a need to develop more sophisticated social skills. If this is a large school, where meeting people who are like minded seems difficult, more refinement of social skills can be key. I went to a large school, was not friends with my roommate , felt lonely etc. By sophmore year, this had turned around, and I really had so many friends. I had to become more outgoing, and introduce myself to people etc. I joined activities and found a few that I really liked (and some that I did not). </p>
<p>A good ear from a mom is a blessing, so listen and be supportive in that it will work out for the best.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Do you think that with all the hoopla around college admissions, Ivy schools, etc. expectations have been set too high for what the college experience really is?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I think so, nodwntm. I graduated from a 4th tier state university, so that was obviously no great experience, but I spent my freshman year at Baylor, which was a pretty decent school, and I was mostly miserable there.</p>
<p>I am not sure what the kids are imagining it will be like (or what we parents are imagining, for that matter!), but it doesn't seem to be very in line with reality. Maybe we should be reminding our h.s. kids that college means classes which can be pretty hard and time consuming. The professors might be quite distinguished but they might also be boring. Eating all your meals in a cafeteria gets really old. Clubs or organizations sometimes sound great but have disinterested or poor leadership. Living with roommates is not like having a slumber party with your friends every night.</p>
<p>Not that we want to be all pessimistic, but just that we could help them work on having a realistic perspective going in.</p>
<p>Okay, I just got another phone call. "Mom, what should I take if my nose is runny and I feel bad and my neck is stiff?" Neck is stiff?! Hmmmm. He did have his meningitis vaccine 1 1/2 weeks ago, so I doubt it's that. Also, he doesn't really think he has fever. I did tell him to call me back if he starts feeling feverish.</p>
<p>I am guessing the stiff neck related to the body surfing he did at the beach yesterday. So, I told him to take a Benadryl (from the medicine box I packed that he said he wouldn't need...though I did forget to include a thermometer) and 2 ibuprofen and take a nap. "But I have to do laundry and fill out some paperwork and edit my video project" (project is due tomorrow, the first day of class, and was assigned to be completed over the summer). Ahhhh...growing pains. Oh well, I'm just glad he still needs me when he's sick. :)</p>
<p>One of my former students is also best friends with my son, who is a rising HS senior. He called her Friday just to say hello and let her know she can call or e-mail anytime. He is her support now -- she'll be his next fall. I plan to send her a care package in the coming days -- just to let her know we're thinking of her.</p>
<p>We had a rough time with our D. She did not get into any of her reach schools so there was a problem with academic challenge during her first year; plus many tearful phone calls due to the same problems listed in this thread. It was very tough. But now, after a transfer to her dream school (she got into all 4 of her reach schools!), she is academically challenged, has great roomates and the emotional adjustment period is over. Hang in there, it does get better (thank goodness!).</p>
<p>You might discuss with her that you are available for venting, but it would be helpful if she would announce that is the purpose of the call ;) My Ds know to let me know if they want an ear for whinging or answers and assistance.</p>
<p>I can now listen to issues and not go to the "fix it" mode :D</p>
<p>I like the announcing the purpose of the call, i do that with my sister and tell her I am venting which means, just listen, don't argue, don't give advice, don't play devils advocate, just let me vent...I suggested this to D2 for conversations with D1....and if she needs to vent, announce, I am going to vent for a minute and need an ear.....
For those of us who liketo fix things.....venting is a brake light. Good idea Somemom.</p>
<p>My DD called me in tears today. It was so unexpected. She's the type of kid to be really friendly and outgoing, and it usually pays off for her. She just feels so lonely and is really missing all of the people that "took care of her" (her words) when she was at home. It was the hardest phone call and I have been sitting by the phone waiting for a "it's all better now" call since then. I didn't text her, but I did email her. It's almost scary when they call and sound so sad and you have no way of comforting them and no way of knowing that they are doing okay. I remember my first weeks of freshman year as very lonely too, but then things did get better. I know it takes time, but it doesn't make it any easier to get that call. I'm not so sure that this era of constant communication is such a good thing for college students. It's so hard to leave home behind when communication is so easy. One of my biggest fears was brought up by a PP, my D too got into her dream school and was so excited and so certain this would be the opportunity of a lifetime. I think she feels a little bit like her dreams are shattered. I'm here for her, but trying my hardest to keep my distance and give her time. My cell phone is never more than a few inches away.</p>
<p>Oh, BusyMomof4, I remember that call. It just rips your heart out. Of course, you know it will be okay. Just do the Mom thing you know so well ... let her know that it will be tough for awhile, but she'll meet people soon. Things will get better day by day. Be prepared for more tears, but know that she will be okay. HUGS to you!</p>
<p>BusyMomof4 - as independent as those kids are, when they were home we always provided a safety net for them. If we received a reminder for their teeth cleaning, we wouldn't think twice to make an appoint for them. If they received a form from school to be filled out, we may fill it out for them or we would remind them to fill it out. My daughter said it was hard at first to feel she was really on her own. She had to meet all of her deadlines at school by herself. There were quite a few funny stories she's told me about how they had to wake up at 6am to register for classes they want, and some kids just overslept, or how someone did everything right but forgot to do save then went back to sleep. It's nice she misses you.</p>
<p>My daughter is outgoing, kind and was used to being with students who valued academics and social life, and who were very successful at both. I think she expected to meet similar kids in college, as she is at a very,very competitive school. Instead many of the kids were a little less mature, ( a lot of drinking,hooking up, etc.)and she was surprised. There was a high school mentality, which for some lasted all of freshman year. We were surprised that girls weren't more supportive of each other, but this was the case. She has found her way, the school isn't her dream school after all, but she can live with that, as there are opportunities there she wouldn't find elsewhere, and she has made a few good friends. It's just hard sometimes to find like minds!</p>