<p>My freshman D called yesterday (2 days at school and still in orientation) to say she was very sick and was throwing up every 15 minutes or so for many hours. She said her RA offered to take her to the health center, but she felt so sick and did not know if she could make it and did not know what to do. (Absolutely it was not party related) We told her to go to the health center and said we would talk to her later.</p>
<p>Several hours later, we called her--no answer. We sent a text--no answer. We had to help our S back to his school and knew we would be in areas with no cell service. Finally, in the evening I sent another text and received the following reply--"Hey, what's up?"</p>
<p>They always call or get in touch when they are down or sick or in trouble. We fret, and they do not call back and tell us when things are okay.</p>
<p>Basically, we have to allow our kids learn how to deal and be adults. We need to stop being helicopter parents hovering. Believe me, I KNOW this is easier said than done.</p>
<p>This so reminds me of last September. My D went off to orientation full of excitement and hope. Her school starts very late, so she was literally chomping at the bit to get going. By day 3 of orientation I was receiving multiple daily tear-filled phone calls. And this from a girl who never cries about anything. She was lonely, unhappy and regretting her choice. She was already talking about transferring less than 72 hours after arriving. Flash forward 11 months and she is currently visiting a friend in her college community, wandering happily around the city she has adopted as her own while her friend is at work and counting the days until her official return 4 weeks from now. For the hardiest of kids this can be a difficult transition. There will be good days and hard days and I found that what helped her most was to provide a sympathetic ear to allow her to work through her difficult days. My heart broke when I heard her voice break on the phone, but just knowing that she could call and work through her feelings helped, I think, as she found her way. Once classes started, and she joined a club sport and became engaged in her dorm life and other EC's, her mood changed considerably. She ultimately had an unbelievably satisfying year and she is looking forward to starting year 2 next month. Hang in there...for many it's just a period they need to work through.</p>
<p>Ahh- so many angsty memories. DD was waitlisted at ALL of her top schools thanks to an incompetent GC. (4.0-blah-blah....) But ended up at her safety-which was/is a reach for many. This is 2002. She was miserable!!! Called from the furnace room, sobbing, daily. Her roommate was naked and drunk nearly every night with some random guy. Catholic U and yet, neither she nor I could guarantee from the Dean of Housing that she would be moved. To my DD's credit -she took a bus to visit a school and then put in a tranfer to a school we had visited together (my first choice-Oh-Yeah- I get kid credits for that one-which she had not EVEN applied to! AND happily graduated from and loved every single minute --Yeah MOM). So my point being that it can be that your student needs to transfer but that he/she need to take the lead on that. Otherwise, just be there and listen.</p>
<p>This is D's e-mail after 3 days (we missed the tearful phone call but got the "I have a problem" one): "I probably will like my hall. I say probably because early I was really upset and didn't like it, then I became happy and did like it." The freshmen really are going through a whole range of emotions in warp speed.</p>
<p>We received many of these calls and once or twice we were tempted to make the 300 mile drive to make sure she wasn't going to jump over the edge. Happy to report she survived her frosh year, found a roommate that she roomed with her soph and now, junior year, and all is good! Now if we can somehow find a way to skip PChem and Bio but still get her a degree...</p>
<p>I can't wait until next year when our S goes off to school (hopefully the same school :)) I'm wondering if we will hear from him, ever...</p>
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<p>I'm not so sure that this era of constant communication is such a good thing for college students.<<</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>I agree. These kids are used to instant contact with anyone, 24/7/365. If they have a thought or a feeling, they can share it us - or dump it on us - instantly. "Back in the day" when I went to college, there was probably one pay phone on each floor in the hallway. I talked to my parents once a week on Sunday afternoon. If I was upset on Wednesday, I didn't talk to them about it till Sunday, and by then I was usually over whatever the problem was and had moved on. </p>
<p>As a mom, I love that my kids can reach me any time. But objectively, I'm not sure it's the best way for them to gain independence.</p>
<p>DD is a sophomore and I've gotten those calls since she moved in two days ago. She has had some legit problems--roommate's parents trying to arrange the room, roommate going off with new friends, printer not working, wrong book order, problems with drop/add options, not enough outlets, etc. But last night's 3 am problem was resolved by morning, and I hope, having gone through this last year, that I've learned that somehow things do work out. But I'm still learning that I need to distinguish "venting" versus "really need feedback ideas" calls...some are a combination! Let's all hang in there...</p>
<p>Well - this will be a shocking update - one that has never been heard before on a thread like this... She's fine!!! I guess this is the same pattern over and over again, and it's so nice to once again reconfirm the value of experience. She had a bad "hour" so of course with her access to ichat, cell phone etc. she had to call me and tell me about it. I worried all day. I got one text at night telling me that she met someone nice - but no comment on her earlier tears! The next day she said "everyone has their ups and downs - if you're not lonely the first week then you're not being real - you can't make new best friends in a day". Wise words of wisdom for 18 year old DD. I will remind her of those words again I'm sure! Thank you so much for all of your support - it really helps me get through those down times when I know there is an up time to follow!</p>
<p>Our long-distance bill (back in the old days when long-distance was expensive) during the first semester of college for our daughter was way high. Tears, second thoughts, fears et al predominated most calls. Then, all that just slowly faded and we heard less and less from her, until the tables turned and we were the ones calling her.</p>
<p>Don't worry, Moms (especially) and Dads. The curve goes up sharply on the front end, falls off gradually, and then, perhaps, disappears almost all together.</p>
<p>My son was miserable at the start of his freshman year. Part of the problem was his emails from all of his friends from high school saying that they "loved" college and all was great in the world. With them. He was the only one who hated school and was homesick. Fast foward a year later. Now all the kids who "loved" the first days of freshman year admit to having been lonely and not so happy as they made it seem. It was just that everyone else was saying how great things were so they had to jump on the bandwagon. Several of them have transferred (as did my son). But we did get ALOT of unhappy calls and,ultimately, things did work out for him socially. But the school was not what he wanted academically. On his drive home on that last day of freshman year he said that he was on his way home and felt bad about leaving. If I could have reached into cyberspace I would have....... well, you know.</p>
<p>I've been reading this thread with great interest- my S has a story very similar to EmilySpinaches S. He had difficulty adjusting during freshman year. It was terribly stressful for all of us. Those phone calls were quite difficult. Ultimately, he did develop good friendships and had nice relationships with some of his professors. This was a great school in many ways! He decided to transfer, however, because he wanted a more challenging academic environment and a campus climate where more students were passionate about world issues. He got accepted at a wonderful school (he was rejected here the first time ). He should be happy - right?
He waited until August to tell the old school and to tell his friends ( he did tell his roommates right away though). He seemed committed. Said he was excited. ----------SO We dropped him off 2 days ago and the phone calls have begun. "Why did I do this", "I should have stayed" etc. We are trying to remind him about the reasons he transferred in the first place. And also reminding him that the adjustment takes time. I wish I had perfect words of wisdom for him....anybody?</p>
<p>My son is just started dating a girl he is really crazy about before leaving for college. He called, saying he doesn't like school, etc. Know it's hard to separate all his feelings--homesick, lovesick, new situation. Says he's afraid of losing his girlfriend. I've been trying to give him encouragement, telling him to reach out to others. He sounded so depressed. Hope it works out.</p>
<p>Do not worry, Bunksmom, our D's experience mirrored your son's. She transferred and it took a whole semester to adjust to the new school (and this after a whole year adjusting to the first school). Just 2 days into this semester, she loves it. Transfers have to adjust, again...but its worth it if done for the right reasons (in my D's case, academic challenge).</p>
<p>Thanks UVAYeah! I know that it will take time. I really feel that the new school is a better fit for him. I just dread hearing him sound so down each time he calls. He is normally an intense but upbeat kid.</p>
<p>Bunksmom, my D also transferred this year for similar reasons. She is very fortunate in that she is rooming with a friend she made at her old school, who also transferred. D told me yesterday that it is really hard to get to know people as a transfer, even though the school did have a transfer orientation program. She is upbeat, though, because she knows she will get to know people in time ... but also because she has a friend to share things with (last year, it was harder - not a good roommate situation & knew no one at the school). Your S WILL settle in ... it will take time, though ... and it feels difficult when "everyone" but you seems to know everyone. Be there for him to talk to, but remind him that it just takes time.</p>
<p>Bunksmom andKelsmom: my D transferred mid-year (one of 2 oos students); it was so rough. Its all worth it now to hear her excited about each of her courses, happy to be getting to know the people she met last year, and the myriad of opportunities at her new institution. Since she has been not been challenged since kindergarten, this is very gratifying news.</p>
<p>kelsmom and UVAyeah, thanks to you both. I know his story is not unique and it will all work out. He called this afternoon with an insurance question and sounded better, with no particular complaints. He is going through transfer orientation right now so he will hopefully end the week with a few people to call friends!!</p>
<p>Another update: We drove the hour to DD's school today to drop off some items she wanted and we didn't have room for 10 days ago. She seemed rather quiet. We did a little shopping, had lunch, and left her to do some laundry. She has called, crying, again this evening. When will it get better? I keep telling her it will but I have no time table to work with.</p>
<p>Zoeydoggie, hang in there. Things can turn around quickly or they can take time. You never know ahead of time when you will meet some special friend. All of life's transitions are unique. Sometimes the situation just clicks right away, and sometimes a great deal of work must be put in until it is good. I hope your daughter is finding her classes to be interesting (they have started by now?).</p>
<p>Kbee - try to tell your son that he needs to try and get into college life and enjoy it. My DD just broke up with her boyfriend because she couldn't handle being the source of his happiness while she was trying to make herself happy. It seems like boys think that they need to be somewhat miserable to convince their girlfriend that she is needed. With my D it worked exactly the opposite. Her boyfriend only told her about his bad experiences (for some reason didn't tell her about the fun he was having) and she just couldn't take it anymore. He will lose the girlfriend if he relies on her too much for his happiness. Good luck. Young love is unpredictable.</p>