<p>my daughter is not doing well.. a lot of crying .. a lot of "i hate it" "i want to come home" etc.</p>
<p>this is making me very anxious.. sigh.</p>
<p>I don’t know; he hasn’t called.</p>
<p>pickelmom: we were fortunate to attend a presentation this past Thursday given by the author of the book “Letting Go” (she was great!). She is on the faculty at my freshman D’s university. She specifically outlined the scenario you are describing with your daughter. In fact, she has current students come up on stage and act out three different cell calls home. The female used the opportunity to portray “doom and gloom” to the poor parent (who then stewed about it for hours/days). Her point was some students need to vent their anxiety, and there is no better place to do so then in the safe zone with a parent. In the interim, we’re tortured (of course!). She had them act out different stages throughout the first semester. There were a few hundred parents in attendence; we all laughed until we cried (it seems there could be some drama in store).</p>
<p>One of my co-workers also had a similar situation with a (significantly) younger sister. The call was so upsetting that she insisted she and her husband get in the car and drive to the university to get her (over three hours away). As they walked up to the dorm, there was a group of girls walking across the lawn toward the front door. One was her smiling sister who looked shocked, and quickly inquired what they were doing there…</p>
<p>As we were told in the recent presentation, it really does all work out. It is just harder than we thought (for some of us!).</p>
<p>Neighbor’s D is having a hard time. Likes her classes but having adjustment issues with the social/dorm life side. The Mom says she thinks it’s worse than the D is letting on. The D is trying to put on a brave face but reading the daily emails,the Mom can see thru it. The Mom is going up to see her D next Tues. to take her out for her birthday. She’s hoping to get a better picture of things then. It has been a big disappointment to the D that her roommate has a bf on campus and is with him all the time.</p>
<p>picklemom, hang in there. In 9 out of 10 cases, it gets better soon.</p>
<p>A few Jello shots and some dancing will get rid of that sad face.</p>
<p>My freshman roommate also had a serious BF. She was hardly EVER in the room, day or night. It was hard at first, but after I’d made friends, it was great! I had a quiet place I could go, and never had to deal with roommate issues.</p>
<p>I have to raise my hand on this one. 
I think a lot of it has to do with a variety of factors: being “far” away from home - he is 3 hours away, many of his friends are an hour or so away, not knowing anyone at his school and expecting to have “friends” right away, overwhelmed with all the responsibility of a new town, new classes, new people, etc , and a BIGGIE - being away from GF!!!</p>
<p>I have heard so many negative comments I almost hate to answer the phone when he calls! I am trying to be supportive, but at the same time I want to tell him he needs to pull himself together and take the time to let himself adjust. He had a good first experience tonight with meeting the team of the sport he is going to play - even realized that he is a decent player for the team (wonderful!) but now is turning this positive into a negative by saying that it’s going to take a lot of time (only 3 matches in the fall though) and he doesn’t know when he will be able to come home cause he feels he can’t miss a single practice. </p>
<p>He said he feels like everything at home is slipping away from him. </p>
<p>How do you deal with homesickness???</p>
<p>Even at the earliest starting Southern schools, your daughter can’t have been there more than a week or so. Sometimes it just takes time to get into the swing of things, but in most cases, they will adjust! It’s hard to be far away from your parents (even if “far” is only an hour, you’re still not living at home) and not everyone becomes instant friends with their roommate or floormates.</p>
<p>If it doesn’t get better in a week or so, encourage your daughter to seek out counseling services on campus. They’re usually rolled into the student insurance fee and they can really help students make the adjustment to college. Also, encourage her to join a club or go to student gatherings or even just approach a neighbor and ask if they want to hang out and grab a coffee or something. Everyone else is new and trying to make friends, so they may jump at the chance! It’s far easier to make friends now than later.</p>
<p>Also - it may be difficult - but you may want to limit your time on the phone with her, for her own good. I know that you want to be there and supportive! But it might be better for your daughter if you only chatted for a half an hour a couple times a week. Then that forces her to do something else!</p>
<p>Julliet: my freshman D has been on campus since August 8th at a Southern school, so she’s been gone over 3 weeks now.</p>
<p>To the OP, it must be hard to hear that from your D. Hugs to both of you. Not knowing how long she’s been on campus, it takes a while for activities to ratchet up and to develop a new routine. Make sure that she’s actively looking for an EC group to join (maybe one similar to what she did at home so that she can feel comfortable quickly.) After all the build up to college, I think it’s a big adrenalin drop once they get there & it can be so disappointing if they’re not BFFs right away with their roommate.</p>
<p>Most kids do adjust. Some not until well into the year. We’ve had friends whose kids called every single day and complained then one day the calls stopped. We’ve had friends whose kids came home at Christmas and waffled all holiday about whether to return. We have a good friend who turned around after a two day drive to drop off and retrieved their D and I work with a woman who never even made it to campus. And then of course there are friends like us who rarely heard from the kids. The problem I see, is as a parent, things aren’t “the same” at home because the friends are either working full time or going to school somewhere. If a young person is the “first” one of the group to head out the door they may still be imaging what was and not what is. For some kids this is the first time they’ve been thrown into a group of peers they don’t know. Some kids found puppy love and their high school lives revolved around their first love and suddenly they are one. Every one of these students is different, only you can discern what is true stress and what are adjustment problems that are surmountable.</p>
<p>My D was not happy most of freshman year. She was far from home, knew no one, had a bad roommate situation, wanted to transfer soon after she started the year. In the end, she made some very good friends & did enjoy the school - but she also did transfer. She handled the transfer much better than freshman year because she was older & wiser.</p>
<p>Give it time. Most likely, she’ll eventually settle in. I can still remember my D calling in early December & she was so sad my heart almost broke … but that all seems long ago & insignificant as she begins senior year. I think everything she went through contributed to the mature, well adjusted young woman she has become.</p>
<p>I agree that most of the time these things work out; kids need to take a deep breath and pull themselves together when things aren’t just falling perfectly into place for them and figure out how to build that college experience for themselves (it’s very different planning and dreaming about something as opposed to actually doing it). However, if the unhappiness persists and has a cause that will not be cured by time (the school, campus, social environment is not at all what the student wanted or expected in a college) then it is time to consider options and potential change.</p>
<p>I recall a student from several years ago who got into her “dream” school. Once there she realized the school she dreamed of had little resemblance to this actual college. She was very liberal - the school and it’s students were not. She transferred at the semester to a school that was closer to home but, far more important, closer to her world view. It’s important to separate what is simply being homesick and adjusting from things that might be truly poor match ups between student and school environment.</p>
<p>My D also was miserable most of her freshman year. abasket, I completely understand that feeling of dread when the phone rings.</p>
<p>Encourage your kids to put themselves out there; strike up a conversation, go to a function, join a club. Yea, it’s really hard, tell them – do it anyway and don’t give up. Sooner or later they’ll make a connection with someone, which will make all the difference.</p>
<p>Also encourage your kids to drop by the counselling center. We heard at D’s orientation that during fall semester, homesickness is by far the most common complaint seen at the center. They should have some concrete things your kids can do to feel like they’re getting a handle on things. </p>
<p>Be just a little bit less available; let one or two of those calls go to voicemail. It took me a couple of months to figure out that I didn’t need to respond to every doom-and-gloom text message. In retrospect, all of those long conversations about how awful everything was didn’t help her, and probably only drew things out.</p>
<p>When you’re talking with them, be calm and reassuring even as you sympathize. Don’t let them suck you into the vortex with them. (Use all of your best acting skills) Letting them vent is important, and don’t try to talk them out of feeling the way they do. But once they wind down a little, try to nudge the conversation toward a less emotional topic – the food, a class, the fashions, the squirrels (every campus has them, and they’re unfailingly entertaining. At first, those darn squirrels were my D’s only bright spot). </p>
<p>It’s important to communicate a couple of things to them, even if they consistently swat them away as my D did. Let them know that you understand they’re having a rough time, and that you have faith that they’ll figure it out. Let them know that they’re not alone; no, not every freshman has a gaggle of friends; no, they’re not the only one who’s homesick. Let them know that adjusting to this big a change takes some time; it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with them. Let them know it will get better. Your firm confidence will give them something to hang onto until they find their footing.</p>
<p>And you, parents, hang in there. You’re not alone either.</p>
<p>I agree to hang in there. D2 had problems adjusting–not on the same page socially with her roommate. Complained of loneliness to her sis (not to us, heaven forbid). But once she found “her people”, she was off and running.</p>
<p>LasMa, I remember your threads from last year. Is your D back at the original school or did she transfer? Sounds like she is doing much better, wherever she is!</p>
<p>to the OP: has your daughter ever been away from home before/started something new?</p>
<p>we have a boatload of experience; our younger daughter reacts this way whenever she is away or starts something new (i.e. new school etc)…we will be prepared; she always adjusts and always has the time of her life; but getting there is torture…</p>
<p>totally agree with the other posters advice on this thread; understand that in most cases, this too shall pass…</p>
<p>feel free to come to us for support and please update…</p>
<p>Just another note - don’t try to solve the problem for them. The temptation is to jump in and tell them all the things they need to do to solve this. Active listening is by far the better course for helping them develop valuable life skills. Assure them as others have indicated and then lead to what THEY think they can do.</p>
<p>I have heard that in some instances – especially those in which all of the student’s friends have gone away to college – coming home for a weekend helps. The student tends to realize that it is not possible to go back to the comfortable social life he/she had in high school because that life no longer exists.</p>
<p>Of course, if the student had a lot of friends who are still in high school or are attending nearby commuter or suitcase colleges, this could backfire, badly.</p>
<p>There were times last year when I wondered if #1D would make it through. The majority of the time things were fine, but there were occasions of sobbing and wanting to come home. A couple of things - extreme exhaustion. Having to do all the work required for university coupled with having to be responsible for herself. Second - food. Going from mom’s kitchen to the dining hall wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Learning how to eat & snack sensibly when you can’t cook was a job in itself. Noise - continual, including roomie’s snoring. Handled with a good set of noise-cancelling headphones.</p>
<p>As another poster said, a weekend home once everyone else has gone back to school was worth it. My D found that it was supremely boring here, and she missed the commotion of school & dorm. After awhile, if she’d call distraught, we’d go over the list and find that it was one of the above. A good sleep, skype with an old friend, a decent meal and she’d be back to her typical self. </p>
<p>We didn’t solve the problem for her, but helped her to brainstorm for things she could do to manage. What have you tried? What are you feeling? etc.</p>