<p>My D just got her lottery number for housing next year. SHe got one of the last numbers in a class of over 800 kids… </p>
<p>She is still struggling socially and this is going to be just another obstacle for her to overcome. my anxiety has started to rise.</p>
<p>ugh.</p>
<p>nice to hear the stories about kids who have overcome their issues in order to be happy where they are.</p>
<p>Scribbilus, very sad story. But I don’t think anyone is saying not to respond to a kids panic stricken or depressed phone calls- just that you have to understand that there’s a fine line between being available for your child (which I think everyone wants to be) and becoming a crutch so that a socially awkward kid doesn’t ever have to try to adjust to college- who has time to adjust if you’re on the phone or texting mom 30 times a day?</p>
<p>I think it helps to get some objective help (i.e. a therapist) and enlist people who know your kid (teachers who have gone out of their way to be nice and helpful) if you truly don’t know if your kid can handle leaving home right now. There are some kids who are tentative and risk averse who end up adjusting beautifully to very challenging college experiences-- and others who really need the support of waking up in his or her own bed, either every morning, once a week, or whenever it’s needed.</p>
<p>But don’t underestimate your child’s ability to adapt- or underestimate how challenging living in a dorm can be. A kid who has never shared a bedroom, never had to do a cleaning rotation of the bathroom at home, didn’t go to summer camp, or had to negotiate boundaries with a lot of siblings is going to face a lot of adjustment issues trying to share a space with a stranger.</p>
<p>But I see kids who are otherwise well adjusted whose parents do everything for them- and it worries me. They’ve never taken a bus by themselves, never filled out a form at the doctors office, haven’t had to make a DMV appointment or change a doctors appointment or even call the library to put a book on hold. Not to mention make a simple dinner or run a vacuum cleaner. I think kids need a long list of “I can do this by myself” things- like being ready for pre-K, before heading off to college. Don’t wait until your kid is alone in the laundry room at midnight having never done a load of whites, while worrying about the problem set due at 9 am the next morning, and oh, by the way, where is the ATM, and gee, I need to make sure the registrar dropped my class so it’s a W and not an F but that means finding the registrars office.</p>
<p>That’s stressful. Give your kid a break and make sure that the day in/day out of living (food, laundry, cleaning the toilet, getting cash, talking to grownups “in charge” of administrative details) is second nature by the time they move out.</p>
<p>Just to follow up, please don’t think I didn’t respond to my D’s calls/texts/emails during those early days when she was having a very difficult time. I was in touch with her constantly! And we did discuss the option of transferring to a school closer to home at Christmas break if that was what she felt she needed to do. I wanted her to know that we supported her no matter what her decision and that there were options beyond toughing it out at her school. Every child and every situation is different, I just wanted to share that with LOTS of support from mom and dad, her faculty advisor, her new friends at school and the counseling center she was able to make it through and is now doing great. Yes, there are still times when her anxiety gets to her, but she is more able to quickly put the incident or issue in perspective and move on.</p>
<p>Takeitallin’s daughter’s story reminded me of my neice. She had gone from a all girls high school to a smaller college that was in her state. I think she lasted a semester or two before she dropped out. At the time I heard stories about bad roommates and such. 6 years later it turns out that she has been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for some time. They particularly occur when she is exposed to new situations. When she is in a familiar environment she could do well enough, but a brand new environment was overwhelming.<br>
It sounds like Takeitallin’s daughter might have had a similar story…but since she did 2 yrs of CC in a familiar environment and then moved to a smaller college where at least there was familiar faces she had a comfortable enough situation to succeed.</p>
<p>Hello CC folks -</p>
<p>Well, it’s fall again, and a new crop of us have college freshmen. I searched for this thread and have found it very helpful. I thought rather than start again, it might be nice just to keep it going - maybe some old-timers can give us updates on how their kids’ freshman years turned out, and we can continue to share advice, support and just general venting.</p>
<p>My D, in a nutshell, is at a perfectly nice school, but it was not her first choice. Right now she says there’s “practically nothing good” going on there, but she also says there are “no solutions” to the problems. There are also added factors of being very far away from home (something she wanted very much, and that she’s done before in shorter intervals) and leaving her BF behind.</p>
<p>She doesn’t talk about transferring, but she’s also not open to any suggestions or to finding any support to help her. It’s a kind of typical negative coping pattern she’s had at rough times in her life, and it’s making us pretty crazy. We worry that she’s starting to burn bridges and dig deep holes for herself (although so far she’s doing fine academically, at least). Mostly, though, we are sad that she’s having such a hard time.</p>
<p>I think she’ll be OK over time, but of course there are always doubts. Mostly I just need help getting through what looks like a very long transition period and probably some kind of difficult parenting decisions that are ahead of us.</p>
<p>Best and warmest wishes to all parents who are going through or have gone through this!</p>
<p>EmmyBet, I just want to send virtual hugs. I enjoyed following your D’s progress to what for me is a local school, though far away from home for your D. You really stand out to me as someone who really helped her child do the due diligence required to find the right place. Just want to share that I feel like I did the same for my D’08; everything seemed right on paper but just didn’t pan out as planned. And yes, we were hearing this from D almost immediately. Your guidance is crucial now but I sense that you will do a great job. My advice would be to help her through this first semester. The critical time is next spring; if things aren’t getting better, you might need to consider helping your D reassess and transfer to a different school. That’s what we did. It’s a very fraught decision (what if School 2 isn’t right either?) but you’ll know if it’s the right one at the time. Our D is now a senior at the school she should have started at. Of course, now I’m feeling the pressure even more with S’12; just want to get it right the first time.</p>
<p>Ahhh - the revival of this thread!</p>
<p>I was a frequent poster on this thread throughout the year last year. S ended up staying at his school - I will admit I was very nervous when he went back - would those old feelings/complaints/negatives come up again after a wonderful summer of being back home???</p>
<p>First semester was VERY tough last year - practically non-existent relationship with random roommate who was never around, dorm floor with no activities, turn-off to the social scene, missing home/GF, extemely negative/tough time with math classes (his major), one-after-another daily living challenges (new computer was shot after 1 month, cell phone troubles on more than one occasion, roommate locking him out of room, etc.) - you name it!!!</p>
<p>I did not rule out the possibility of thinking about transferring most of the year - have to admit though, that even though I brought it up a couple of times, I don’t think it was ever on my S’s radar -while he wasn’t happy for awhile, he’s the type to “suck it up”. </p>
<p>The month home at Christmas break seemed to be a turning point. I think it was just the fact that he “survived” those first few months and got the chance to come home, reenergize and regain focus and most of all CONFIDENCE. He went back with a fresh approach - though everything wasn’t perfect, I felt he resisted the “digging the hole deeper” someone spoke about above. He just became more positive. He did seek advice from a school counselor - the few meetings he had with her definitely HELPED.</p>
<p>Now we are in sophomore year. Socially, he is at a much better point. He found a few people he clicked with by the end of last year and those few connections helped him make connections with other “same type” people he now has in his circle. He is in a better dorm situation - a great rec room (as opposed to first floor no activities last year) where people gather to do simple stuff - ping pong, etc. </p>
<p>He is much more confident at his D3 sport - knows what to expect, knows how to time manage around it, knows the coach’s quirks :). Has become good friends with a couple on the team. I think he finally allowed himself - his personality - to come through. Last year he just withdrew and almost wouldn’t let himself connect.</p>
<p>Activity wise, he has a couple activities he is passionate about - one is more serious (student conduct board) one is purely for enjoyment - he’s leading a Quidditch team and is TOTALLY excited (I cannot tell you how JOYFUL I am to have him excited over something!).</p>
<p>He still misses home/GF, but handles it . He will continue to come home more than some students do (every 2 or 3 weeks - he’s 3 hours away) but we are ok with that if that is what helps him. He loves the chance to come home, but he has also learned to enjoy the weekends there. </p>
<p>His biggest current struggle is a big one - his major - he at this point will not pursue a Math major, and has not a good clue of where else to focus. He is taking a variety of classes this first semester and told me this morning that he stopped by the career center to get info on a career assessment test. He badly wants to figure out what he wants to do with his life! So much, I think he’s overthinking it right now…</p>
<p>Will he ever be someone who head over heels loves the college experience? I’m not sure. He is definitely a “student”, but the “college” part may not be what he is all about. But it is a process to a means - a future, a job (we hope!)</p>
<p>My best advice other than to be patient, is to try as hard as you can to listen and keep their glass “half-full”. Point out the good things (even the little ones) when they try to dwell on the bad. Keep future options in the back of your mind, but don’t throw in the towel (or suggest it) too early.</p>
<p>And most of all, don’t look for someone to “blame” for things not being right . Don’t blame yourself either! We spent a lot of time on the search and I felt MUCH guilt. How did I screw up!? But adjusting or not adjusting and PERHAPS later making a change is all part of the process. They and you will life through it. </p>
<p>I wish you all progress and not TOO many sleepless nights!</p>
<p>When did school start? If it’s only been a couple of weeks, she definitely needs more time. My D has said she thought it would be easier to make friends at her school and definitely felt a little lonely and friendless the first few weeks. She didn’t really click with her roommate, who is nice enough but does have a boyfriend on campus and other friends at a nearby school. She is now making some friends on the hall of her dorm, and I see plenty of FB photos of her hanging out in groups of people (although she tells me that most of those people aren’t really “frineds”). I think it just takes some people longer than others to find their way. They expect to be thrilled right off the bat and to have best friends immediately and feel a little disappointed when that doesn’t happen. Just encourage her to give it time and patience.</p>
<p>Thank you for the support!</p>
<p>I really do think that 90% of what D is experiencing would be true at any college - although of course if she <em>thought</em> the college was different she might have a better attitude, so who knows? </p>
<p>We’re starting the 4th week now - some things are better, some are stable. Much in her words is “unbearable,” and she can’t seem to bring herself to say anything is “good.” But it’s hard to differentiate the attitude from the reality, from our end. Mostly we are just trying to keep a balance as much as we can, in our responses.</p>
<p>She’s in a specialized program that was very difficult to get into, and transferring would be an issue because I don’t think she could do that program at a new school (auditioned theatre - I can’t imagine how she could pull off another auditioned acceptance, or even go through the process, emotionally or financially). Her other special program is an honors college; that kind of program could be available at lots of schools, but there aren’t very many where she can get in and do both programs at once. So far the fewest of her complaints have been about the programs, the profs, the schoolwork or her classroom peers, though. There are some things like location, available amenities, etc., that could be better somewhere else, but nothing that she complains about truly sounds like an empirically bad fit. </p>
<p>Things haven’t been as she “planned,” or maybe “assumed” - we talked a lot about these things in advance, but she really wouldn’t put a lot of energy toward the things that now are making her crazy (roommates, transportation, food, etc.). I think that’s biting her now - but she isn’t handling putting it into perspective well at all.</p>
<p>I do have a couple of the schools she declined on the back burner of my imagination, including one that’s only a 5-hour drive from home. But making that kind of move is her decision, and I agree, not until next semester at the earliest. Only if it turns out this specialized program actually is wrong for her - I know she would do anything to stay in it. And part of her problem is that the immersion it promised hasn’t really started yet. I’m hoping once she gets neck-deep in theatre she will be happier.</p>
<p>I also know from her whole life that if she can get into a good relationship with some mentors - profs or otherwise - life will be much better. My biggest frustration right now is that she truly believes it is inappropriate and unnecessary to go chat up her teachers, administrators, deans, people she met during interviews who specifically have said, “Come talk to me any time.” Somehow she is blocked on this, something that is essential to her happiness.</p>
<p>We had done an enormous amount of research and planning regarding the commuter/local-kids-go-home-weekends aspect of this school. Yes, it’s an issue, including the fact that the school itself is only in the beginning stages of providing a 7-day-a-week residential life experience. But there’s still a lot that is D’s responsibility - she has yet to go into the city (the BIG trade-off all along) and isn’t seeming capable of making her “own fun” the way she always has. She can have the greatest weekend ever painting a Legend of Zelda triforce on her notebook, or arranging a song in 4-part harmony, even if there are no plans for anyone to sing it. Board games, quoting Scrubs for hours, etc. - her entertainment and social needs are pretty simple. So even with what may be real limitations of the school, she’s not doing what she likes to do, that could be done anywhere.</p>
<p>It’s up to her to push herself. I’m just feeling my way around being a faraway, supportive parent. Fresh ground for me - this is not my personality style at all, nor was it D1’s. And D2 knows that very well, is adding to her misery by thinking she’s even more of a failure by comparison.</p>
<p>Mutti, don’t beat yourself up over your S - sometimes kids just don’t know. Sometimes we don’t know. And sometimes the colleges just are hard to figure out during this hypothetical phase. I do think there is such a thing as fit, but I also think that understanding it is a very elusive proposition. This D of mine is very below average on the give-and-take part of coping. She’s very idealistic and persnickety and probably will only be happy in college when she gets a handle on that, no matter where she is.</p>
<p>My old boss used to say to kids we worked with, “You might think you’re going somewhere better than this, but remember, you’re going to have to take YOU there.”</p>
<p>It was interesting to go back and read the thread and see the issues as well as where everyone’s student ended up (staying, leaving, etc). </p>
<p>As EmmyBet knows from another thread, my D had a rough first week due to an injury keeping her from doing some activities she might have liked, stomach issues from the dorm food options, and just too, too much socialization. Someone upthread wrote:
And that could be my D, except for the roomie situation as thank goodness she has a single (as does everyone on her floor). For our introverted kids, advice to go out and find activities/friends actually puts MORE pressure on them. Once my D figured out that sitting in classes interacting and going to lunch with classmates was her upper social limit, her experience improved dramatically. She now makes dinner in her room but will have an open door to socialize part of the evening if anyone is around. Because she is in the “quiet dorm” and there is a transfer student who yells if the first years are too loud after 10pm, she is better able to sleep than the typical freshman which also had added to her coping ability. </p>
<p>I don’t think it is perfect, and she spends more time alone and has not made a vast circle of friends, but the transition is much better. She does call us a lot- probably too much as we are kind of a social crutch- but if this is what she needs to get through I am willing to be there. Thank goodness after the first week the calls are not filled with complaints- just the kind of idle chitchat that she could share with friends if she had that kind of intimacy with her peers on campus. We are still holding the good thought that she will make it (she LOVES her classes) but there is probably a 1 in 4 chance that she will end up back home. It will really be luck and someone reaching out to her and including D in a little social circle as D is not going to do that on her own.</p>
<p>Yes, I agree that it is all about finding what you enjoy, not living up to some external standard. Some self-knowledge helps you make sure you have those important elements that matter to you in your life. This is the kind of thing I say to my Ds … for some reason, though, D2 thinks she is under some kind of giant judgmental microscope no matter what I say. And she has a pretty hefty microscope of her own, by which she judges everything around her.</p>
<p>kinderny, I think your D has gotten a pretty good idea of what works for her and what doesn’t. That’s a huge accomplishment!</p>
<p>My D went through an ever-increasing state of “I don’t know what I want” throughout the college admissions process. It’s really no wonder she can’t reach into her reserves right now and find something dependable. I’ve been trying to remind her, gently, for months, that it’s OK just to be herself. I think, though, that it needs to come from another source.</p>
<p>EmmyBet, us, too. D’s experience so far hasn’t been the best. She’s a shy person and hasn’t clicked with too many kids yet. She has roommate issues. Roommate spends her time “out” until very late, sleeps all day, and gets disgusted with D when she “makes noise”. D feels like she can’t spend any time in her room. We’re hoping it gets better. D chose this school because it was one of a very few that had the major she thought she wanted (she’s since changed her mind about programs) and it was my employer, so tuition was covered. Transferring really isn’t an option for her, either. Moving home might be, but I really don’t want her to. Time to leave the nest, kwim?</p>
<p>I keep hoping for connections with people, but like I said, she’s shy. She is in two choirs and has met some people there.</p>
<p>Somewhere back on this thread someone mentioned making sure the kids do little things that are familiar and comforting - like having their favorite soft drink, really basic stuff.</p>
<p>D practically lived on steamed artichokes at home - and we all know there’s no chance whatsoever she’ll ever get them in the dining hall. H thought of this today and suggested to her that she buy some, and get a gadget to steam them in (her dorm lounge has a full kitchen, and she’s making a lot of her meals). Little things do help.</p>
<p>I know we’re talking about our kids here, but I have to tell you I had a miserable first semester/year at college. I looked into transferring but there was a $$ issue. Classes were fine, it was mostly about not clicking with the people on my dorm floor. Seemed like everyone I knew was having a great experience, and I wasn’t. </p>
<p>Had better luck the following year and everything went well. What is funny to me is, I recently saw my freshman year roommate for lunch after a long time of not communicating. She’s still in contact with some of the people on our floor. I realize now, with hindsight, I just don’t like those particular people. I had thought it was me, I was a fish out of water, whatever it was. But I know if I met those people today, I would NOT be friends with them.</p>
<p>So my point here I guess is, sometimes we really do get stuck with a bad situation, crummy group of people on the floor, whatever it is. Other recommendations on here have been great, just wanted to share a success story.</p>
<p>Emmybet,
your comment about your daughter and the “giant microscope” reminded me of something a very wise high school teacher said about teenagers…She said that, in a teenager’s mind, she “sees” herself as always on a stage of sorts, and that at all times, everyone is judging everything she does, says etc. They really don’t get that everyone else is also as self-involved and not paying attention to her whatsoever because they are each starring in their own internal dramas. I can see this ringing true, especially for a theater kid like your daughter.</p>
<p>I hope things get easier for her soon, maybe as she gets busier and has less time to over-analyze every moment of her day.</p>
<p>A friend of mine who is a therapist mentioned this to me last week and I thought I’d pass it along.</p>
<p>In the good old days (i.e. when we were in college) you called your parents once a week. You maybe called your HS friends a few times a month- or not- but saw each other when you were home on break. Your younger siblings wrote you letters (or not) and you got super homesick when you read them but otherwise you didn’t think too much about them. And the dog? Well of course you missed the dog.</p>
<p>Nowadays- you are watching your old HS friends posting on Facebook all the fabulous parties they are going to. Your siblings are dressing the dog in a cheerleaders outfit and he looks so cute and funny on their Facebook page. Your ex BF is tweeting about the new GF and where they went on Saturday night, and you’re texting or calling mommy at least three times a day.</p>
<p>Net- TONS of angst that everyone else in the entire world is having more fun than you are. TONS of homesickness brought on by constant reminders that you’ve moved out and they’ve moved on. TONS of buyer’s remorse that if only you’d have chosen a different college you’d be happy and popular instead of isolated and miserable. Etc.</p>
<p>My friend is seeing lots of this in his practice and I remembered this thread. Your kids aren’t looking around in the real world they live in and see equally shy and vulnerable kids who are all trying to adjust to a crazy hard workload and make new friends, figure out campus life, new climate, region of the country, or whatever. They are looking BACK into their virtual world and getting progressively more miserable about what’s lacking.</p>
<p>If you can- try and gently suggest that your kids take a break from SKYPE and Facebook and texting Mom during the week. They can catch up with their old life on the weekend- but the week should be spent on classes and labs and papers and yes- on saying hi to new people in the cafeteria, or striking up a conversation with someone on line for the cash machine (not spending the time on the line absorbed in a cell phone conversation or texting), and on going to activities and poetry readings and concerts and what-not-- whatever is on campus.</p>
<p>I thought this was great advice. I distinctly remember being miserable on Sunday nights at college after talking to my parents. Fortunately, I couldn’t afford to call more than once a week, so the rest of the time I was busy living my life. Maybe today’s college kids don’t have time to live their life- they can call and communicate 24/7… and that just reinforces how lonely they are, and it becomes an endless cycle.</p>
<p>Anyway, I’ve saved you all $150 for a therapy session. Hope it helps!!!</p>
<p>Hi -
Although I think my D is having a good experience she too is finding some things tough during the transition. The first is being thrown into a group living environment with people that you really don’t want to be friends with. She likes many kids on her floor but she really doesn’t care for others. </p>
<p>She also has had a hard time with the amount of time she has to spend alone…not having a friendly face to have lunch with or spending some long hours on her assignments. </p>
<p>But the one thing that has surprised her is how hard she has had to work to have a social life. Her perception of college was one of limitless social events, friends and fun. There are alot of things to do but she has been surprised at the amount of effort it has taken to connect with people to get on their “text” lists to go out. She found if she made a text connection with someone then she was likely to hear from them again as the weekend approached.</p>
<p>It really is very different these days then when we went to school.</p>
<p>I am a college teacher in a performing arts major program. Regardless of major, the transition to college is HUGE! I myself was a performing arts major, so I can only really speak knowledgeably about that… I am certain that the transition is HUGE for everyone, however. </p>
<p>In my experience (both as a student and as a faculty member) kids often struggle with the transition from being a larger fish in a smaller pond to one of many “baby” big fish in a larger pond. In the case of performing arts majors, what was once an “extra-curricular” or a “co-curricular” becomes a major part of the “curricular.” This may be the case in other majors as well. </p>
<p>As a teacher of college students I see the significant difference in maturity level between freshman and seniors… I actually thought today as I was sitting at my desk, waiting to talk to freshmen and seniors, how wonderful it is to be witness to and a part of the development of a person from 17-ish to 22-ish. Such an amazing transition. The transition from HS to college is probably the most complicated transition for young people since going to kindergarten… High School being a close second… Everything is new. They were the “masters” of their former universe, they are now the “new kids on the block.” The next painful transition is from college to “grown-up life” … another time where we we transition from the “masters” of our former universe to the “babies.” Transition is like birth… it is painful and wonderful. I do not mean this to negate what others have said about “know thy child” … if your gut is giving you an inkling that this is a more serious issue than “normal painful life transition” go and visit if you can, contact a roommate, a roommate’s parents, a nearby relative, etc… you all know your children.</p>
<p>All the best to the parents and young adults navigating this transition!</p>
<p>PS… Blossom great post for the parents who are dealing with normal homesickness rather than depression or other issues… I started college in 1990…I had a phone line in my room, but phone calls were VERY expensive… I think I actually talked to my parents less frequently then (as an 18/19 year old) than I do now (pushing 40). I am VERY close to my parents, and still have friends from my HS, college, and grad school days who I keep in touch with, but the constant connection then was so very different than it is now. I remember participating in summer theatre through college (and professional year round theatre beyond) and waiting on line at the pay phone to talk with my parents, friends, etc… and sending letters, cards, and post cards to friends, family, etc… this was in the early to mid 1990s, NOT the 1890s… the current generation is SO much more connected. There are many wonderful things about that, but every coin has a flip side. I think the flip here can be what blossom is talking about. So difficult to discern the differences between “normal” adjustment/ home sicknesses and the “hyper-normal”</p>
<p>Once again, a blossom post that should be required reading for all parents of teens! (#296)</p>
<p>I agree with the therapist. I heard recently that back in the olden days hometown connections lasted maybe until Thanksgiving (remember how we all went home and had a whirlwind 5 days of going to bars and seeing all our HS friends?) now they say it takes twice as long for those connections to fade because it’s so easy to stay in contact with your high school friends on a daily basis and kids are not bonding like they use to and cling much longer to the familiar. </p>
<p>At my sons school they do the pre-orientation 4 day hiking, camping, canoeing, etc., trips and cell phones and computers aren’t invited because they don’t work in the wilderness. It’s a great way for kids to get to know each other without all the other distractions and, imo, feel more connected to their college.</p>