<p>RE post 298 – “hyper-normal” meaning – that all is normal – just that some are possibly “easier” to navigate.</p>
<p>My daughter is having a really hard time. She is so overwhelmed with work, she can’t keep up. Her roommates are going out and having fun-all three of them are honors students, but the two roommates are not taking it as seriously. Everytime she feels like she has a block of time to study, something comes up and she gets very little done. </p>
<p>She is very stressed.</p>
<p>She also has issues with the roommates and suitemates (there are 7 of them in 3 rooms). They leave dirty plates in the sink. Don’t wash the pots and pans. Empty wrappers everywhere, my daughter can’t believe that SHE is the clean one! </p>
<p>She’s stressed, she gets very little sleep, and she misses home. </p>
<p>I think she’s finally going to go to the counseling center tomorrow. She was near tears when I spoke to her today.</p>
<p>They empty the Brita pitcher and don’t refill it. They finish the ice cubes and don’t refill. They drink the coke that she buys. They drink the milk that she buys, and no one either offers to give her money or goes to buy more. If she wants milk for breakfast, she has to go and walk several blocks and buy it. 2 days later, it’s almost gone. </p>
<p>Her roommies think she is a stick in the mud because she works so hard and won’t go out with them all the time. She does do things, she has a work study job that she loves, and she is in two choirs. She is living in New York City and has seen shows. She just budgets her time between work and play, her roommies would rather play and then cram. Skim rather than actually read. </p>
<p>What my daughter said was, in high school, she knew kids were going to parties every weekend, but she could be home with her family, the parties didn’t follow her home. But at school, she’s trying to work and the suitemates are having people over or pushing her to go out and stop working, and it’s getting old.</p>
<p>I think she is going to the counseling center tomorrow. She said she is near tears all the time. She is breaking my heart.</p>
<p>Lefty - I’m sorry to hear that. The combination of schoolwork and roommate issues would be really rough on anyone.</p>
<p>I’m so glad your D will go to counseling. They should be able to give her really helpful ideas and a valid perspective. From home we can only offer so much - my D rejects a lot of advice we give her, much that I do think is good and she just doesn’t want to do, but some which is just a shot in the dark for us. An adult at school is really the best support.</p>
<p>An obvious question is whether she can lighten her academic load? I’m one who is all for starting a little slowly in college, to get your ducks in a row and build confidence. Some programs make this impossible, though. I hope she can find some balance.</p>
<p>I had a better FB chat with D last night, because she respected my request to add more positives into her conversation. I have to watch out that I’m not being unreasonable in my expectations, too. I know I get extra discouraged just because I wish so much that things were better for her.</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about the comments about too much communication. This comes up a lot in our newest phase of electronic connectedness. I, too, was one who went to college far away, hardly ever communicated with my parents and truly didn’t even want to. We had good relationships - they came to see me several times, as well as my going home on breaks - but I just wanted that independent life incredibly fiercely. I also didn’t want to spend the money … if it had been free, I might have been more like kids today.</p>
<p>But that was my disposition, and I was where I had a great fit and no nasty surprises. I knew lots of kids who were more local who talked to their folks a lot and went home on occasion or even regularly. I do think there are dangers to the constant communication nowadays but I also see its benefits - you could think of it as being the worst of both worlds (losing independence by continuous contact) or the best (being faraway with a fresh start, but not giving up the closeness with family).</p>
<p>This thread has shown pretty clearly that kids have different temperaments and need different things. It’s helping my D a lot to be able to connect so much - she is a turtle when it comes to problems, and I do not want her cutting down communication with us until I know she has some adult supports there that she can really count on. She wants very much to be strong, but it’s happened before that she’s taken on too much and crashed. </p>
<p>I’ve thought hard about this: in our case it’s not the amount of communication that’s the problem, but its nature. Nothing in her situation is so much of a surprise, just this long journey into maturity that wasn’t guaranteed suddenly to skip a few miles. Last night she was better; then I - so mad at myself - said things I wish I hadn’t (nagged instead of supported, should have relished the positive while I had it). We’re all working on this.</p>
<p>Interesting tidbit from her: she said “lots of us” are having a rough time adjusting, and she is frustrated by how some kids handle it. She said what she dislikes most is kids who make frequent whiney posts on FB, on public forums. So I think she does have some perspective on the new technology - she does keep her outward FB neutral and generally positive, uses only private messages for her deeper feelings, and mostly just with us. There’s good and bad with that, but I agree with her that unloading for everyone to see isn’t going to help. It just exploits the unhealthy dynamic of electronic communication.</p>
<p>In the long run I am grateful that my D is letting me know what’s going on. The alternative, in her case, could be much worse. I’ll know when she’s so happy and busy that she doesn’t have time to talk, as opposed to moving into a scarier, more withdrawn phase.</p>
<p>Hey, Kat, thanks for joining in. If there’s anything you want to add that’s specific to performing arts kids, I’m all ears. I do think that some of them tend to be … um … more dramatic in their emotional and communicative style, and my artsy kid sure takes things more personally than my sciencey kid. </p>
<p>Also, in these programs we have a whole bunch of “out there” kids spending a ton of time together … I wonder about the breeding ground for all kinds of emotions and how best to handle that. I know D is kind of scared about her schedule - while she is never happier than when she’s immersed in a show, she worries about how everyone says you’re “working all the time” and can’t do anything else. This would be similar to other majors or activities that have demanding schedules and take away that “regular college” feeling. Also situations where there is heightened competition; in D’s program, at least, there is a freshman restriction on mainstage auditions. She’ll get to perform, but she won’t enter the competitive arena immediately, can learn more about herself and the world there first.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to Lefty and Emmy. I know I’ve posted this before but it bears repeating. Last year when my freshman d was having a rough time and my heart broke during every text, email, call, skype, etc., I tried to offer her wise counsel. Be patient, join clubs, understand that others are having a hard time too even if they don’t show it. She spoke of transferring but I wanted her to give the place a fair chance. After about a month, I lost my patience and told her to go ahead and start getting the applications to transfer, understanding of course that the scholarship opportunities she was offered are now dead, and that her transfer choices are now limited. </p>
<p>With that one sentence, her outlook changed. As soon as I gave her the go ahead to transfer, and realizing she could no longer complain to me since I was giving her an “out,” her life began to change. By Thanksgiving, she had found her group of friends. By Christmas, talk of transferring had stopped completely. By Spring semester, she couldn’t imagine herself anywhere else. Now in her sophomore year, she wrote me a letter thanking me for getting her through those tough times so that she could appreciate the wonderful opportunity of going to this school and living in that city. Between you (my CC comrades) and me, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing at the time. I was just trying to get through it like Emmy and Lefty.</p>
<p>LeftyLou- what your D describes was my nightmare scenario for my D. I can only imagine how difficult it is for her. If it was only feeling overwhelmed by work demands it would be one thing, but a disconnect (and sometimes actual disrespect) re roommates makes it infinitely worse (combined with a lack of sleep too). Hang in there. I don’t have any answers but I hope the counseling office can help. Maybe a roommate change could be considered? Good luck.</p>
<p>And EB- we are not perfect. Next time you’ll get the responses closer to what you want. It is a hard time. Hang in there.</p>
<p>Yup, I’m definitely feeling pretty stupid, and I’m grateful that she was gracious. I didn’t say anything that awful, just should have WAITED. I’ve never been known for my good timing, though.</p>
<p>Roommates - D says repeatedly that this is her biggest issue, too. Her situation is quirky: She is in a specialized suite, was lucky to get it - a huge common room, a double and a triple, a bathroom (but no kitchen, I guess fortunately! And everyone has her own fridge, also fortunately!). She’s in the triple with a sophomore and a junior; the double has two sophomores. All of the sophomores are gone constantly - busy with work and activities, and home on weekends.</p>
<p>The problem is the junior. D would be thrilled if she would go home on a weekend - but she doesn’t. She’s always there. She was very helpful before school started, since she’s in both of D’s programs and had a lot of advice … and she still has a lot of advice … constant advice … whatever room D is in, she’s there. </p>
<p>H and I found her somewhat overbearing at move-in, and D still liked her then. D has tried to separate, create a more neutral relationship, but this girl is relentless. D has also noticed she has very few friends. But she is older, and I think D is somewhat reluctant to be harsh or invade her territory. It’s a weird balance (and one I had worried a bit about when they were assigned).</p>
<p>I have encouraged a million times for D to find another sanctuary, that being in a triple her bedroom just isn’t going to be under her control. I’ve also urged her to find someone to help mediate, or at least to listen to her vent. So far she’s just been so mad and frustrated she doesn’t want to take any organized steps to improve things, and the situation has become stalemated.</p>
<p>This is by no means a nightmare, and it will work out. It might even require a move. Really my feeling is that these college living situations are an imposed torture - I know some kids in singles get lonely, but really to adjust to everything AND have these intense roommate experiences on top of it is unnecessary, in my mind.</p>
<p>But they all seem to survive. H had some really great roommates, really wonderful friends in the long run. I never wanted to share a room and did everything I could to have a single throughout college. But D had no chance at one - she’s just going to have to deal, at least this year.</p>
<p>A cute thing at her school was that the seniors gave all of the freshmen “The Naked Roommate.” I don’t think D read it this summer … but she IS reading it now!</p>
<p>D1 is out of college now, I will give you a bit of feedback from her when she was a freshman. She had a single, so that was a great help. What she found very difficult to deal with initially was people everywhere. She said when she was in high school, she knew she could go to her room to have some quiet time. She didn´t need to eat, party, study and sleep with 20 best friends. </p>
<p>D1 was a very social and perky person in high school, so when she went to college, she felt she had to be “on” 24/7 whenever there were people around, there was never a down time for her. I told her it was ok to go off to a quiet corner on campus (library, study hall, class room) to study or just be by herself for a little while. She also started to have few meals by herself in her room, or just with one or two closer friends. </p>
<p>The problem D1 is having now is she is missing all of her favorite friends living close by. She said her closest friend(s) live $4.50 cab ride away.:)</p>
<p>Sometimes I think “our” kids are so worried/uncertain about making any comments/demands of roommates in this new dorm situation. If you can give them the confidence (and maybe even the words) to help work through one of their situations - like roommates drinking all the milk - it might give them the confidence to learn to just speak up and solve some of these daily dilemmas. They may seem trite, but honestly, plain old MANNERS goes a long way and lots of kids come to school and just don’t have manners!!! </p>
<p>And when you are feeling down and stressed, even the little things - like a roommate not refilling the ice cube tray - sends you off the edge.</p>
<p>Ha, I guess you can never win, eh?</p>
<p>This is such valuable insight. My D ABSOLUTELY loves her downtime. She spent most of her summer recuperating from a hard senior year and was happy as a clam spending hours each day just chilling by herself, with her stuff, in her place. I know the “togetherness” is not easy for her. And she hasn’t found “her” spot on campus yet - I know she wants desperately for it to be her room, and that just doesn’t look possible. But she’ll get there, eventually, I am sure.</p>
<p>The other side–I had a roommate (there were 4 of us) who literally studied ALL the time. We all studied and worked hard but she was ridiculous. She would take a test on Friday (mid terms) and instead of going out to celebrate her hard work and blow off steam with us (or anyone else of her choosing) she would claim she had to Study (and she would)! (What? the next exam wasn’t for 5 more weeks! She can’t manage 2 hours on a Friday night for fun?)</p>
<p>We worried about her and probably teased her too much. And yeah, we sometimes (not often) did things to rile her up–it’s the only time we got real reactions out of her. She really was a wonderful person and we did like her a lot. She made straight A’s by the way…nice but there ARE other experiences in life. I just don’t think she realized it.</p>
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<p>If you were my roommate in college and you did that to me, I’d be infuriated…especially considering I had to maintain a GPA well above 3.0 to keep my near-full ride scholarship, maxed out my class loads for nearly all my semesters except senior year, was so deeply interested in my studies that I’ve lost track of time for entire days, participated in some campus ECs, and worked some part-time jobs to defray scholly difference/expenses. </p>
<p>That, the nosiness(What business is it of yours if a classmate/roommate wants to study “all the time?”), and the fact the perspective you took is very similar to that of an older aunt who disparaged serious college students and encouraged all her children to emphasize the “social” aspects of college. </p>
<p>The ones who chose to ignore her encouragements in this excelled at a top 20 university/Big 10 state honors college and now have impressive careers. The one who didn’t ended up on the brink of academic suspension/expulsion multiple times for prioritizing “socializing/partying” over academics, floundering to graduation with an impressive 2.x or less GPA at some 4th tier school, and has bounced from one job to another for decades. When it was my turn to go off to college…I knew I didn’t want to end up like that latter cousin.</p>
<p>I know I posted this somewhere long ago…
When my oldest son came home at the end of his first semester,
he was a hermit for the first several days of his break. I was so hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with us.
Eventually we had one of those 1 a.m. talks, and what came out was that he was exhausted from having to be “on” socially, all the time. Even though he was very happy at his school both academically and socially, and very content with his roomie ( who ended up being the best man at his wedding).
He found it a strain to be pleasant and gracious all the time, to wear a social face all the time, and never to really be able to be completely alone. He said that even when he was alone in his room, he felt he could not totally relax, because someone could always knock at the door or his roommate could return if his class was cancelled or he didn’t feel like staying at the library.
And this was from a kid who was not having any problems!
It must be so much harder for our children who are facing academic or social fit or roommate issues.</p>
<p>cobrat - you seem to have a lot of issues with your cousin(s) and your aunt. You have posted numerous times about them (not in the best light). It is quite interesting that they had such a big impact in your life. I am also Asian, I am close with my siblings, and our kids are very tight too, but it is not often they talk about their cousins when they are not together. Just wondering why it still matters so much to you, after all those years. (not to pass judgement, or you even need to explain if you do not want to, just curious).</p>
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<p>Part of it was because that aunt kept harping on my “overstudiousness” throughout my college years<em>, serious conflicts with that particular cousin for the same reasons, and a conflict within my family due to a fundamental values conflict due to different interpretations of Chinese/American values</em>…a conflict which continues to the present.</p>
<ul>
<li>I.e. The purpose of a college education.</li>
</ul>
<p>If the dorm is too noisy to study there is always a library open somewhere. The chances of having 7 people all being quiet approaches zero. The other roommate issues are like a common list of things roommates do very often. She can either put her foot down or just accept some of it as normal college behavior (which it is) and adjust.Or get a private place next time.</p>
<p>LeftyLou - I really feel for what you are going through with your D. My D is now a sophomore in a NYC college and living in an apartment with two of her best friends and she is extremely happy with this arrangement. My D didn’t have a problem adjusting to college itself and really loves her school and major, but her freshman roommates were another story.</p>
<p>Last year D was in a freshman dorm apartment with 5 other girls. There was one bathroom for the 6 of them to share and a small kitchen. There were 4 girls in D’s room and 2 in the smaller bedroom. D had her food eaten all the time by others who never replaced anything. They left dishes piled in the sink for days and at the end of the school year said they did not care if they didn’t get their deposits back. She had clothes worn by other girls and not returned and she had a purse stolen by one of the roommates friends. The purse was expensive and since we had dorm insurance I told D she needed to file a police report so we could file the claim and somehow the purse was miraculously returned. D thought about transferring rooms, but decided to stay because she didn’t know what she might end up with if she did move.</p>
<p>My D is a performing arts major so she was very busy and tried to limit the actual time she spent in the room. There was a study lounge in the dorm and she spent a lot of time there because it was quiet. D also had a boyfriend that lived in an apartment so she could spend quiet time at his place. When her roommates were being too loud she would sleep on the floor of her best friend’s room. It was not an ideal situation, but D learned to cope. </p>
<p>As a parent I was really angry at the parents of the roommates. I could not believe they sent them to school with the manners they had which were virually none! D ended up cleaning the whole apartment at the end of the school year without any help, but she got her deposit back. I could go on and on about some of the issues D had last year, but in the end she made it through and is loving her living situation this year.</p>
<p>I haven’t posted anything in a very long time, but I’ve always benefitted from EmmyBet’s wise thoughts on CC and thought I’d throw in my ideas.</p>
<p>My D is just starting her third week at a small LAC (far away from home). It was kind of rough going at first in terms of homesickness. Lots of phone calls, most of them with lots of crying and begging for either the chance to come home (which she knew wasn’t going to happen) or reassurance that it would get better (which I constantly gave). Throughout it all, she was “doing” all the things she should (making contacts, participating in everything, the proverbial “putting yourself out there”) but she still felt pretty horrible. I’m really happy to say that I was right that it would get better, and now as she starts her third week she’s got many budding friendships, is enjoying her challenging classes, has a good relationship (though not a close friendship) with her roommate … still some homesickness (she says she still hasn’t quite gotten her head around the idea that this is permanent) but all-in-all she’s really happy now.</p>
<p>Throughout this, I tried to always be available. The one time I suggested that maybe we should talk less she totally freaked out and I decided to just trust that this was the nature of our relationship, that I needed to support her, and that the contact would lessen when appropriate (and it has, though it’s still relatively frequent). Interestingly, though, she did not like skyping at all - the visual was just too much for her. So we stick to phone, text, and fb messages, at least for now.</p>
<p>I also try to sort out the extent to which the issues are her general personality (emotional and dramatic), specific issues at school (social or academic), or more general issues with the fit between her and the college. It was pretty clear that the fit was good, in fact, she kept saying that even though she was incredibly homesick she knew this was the right college for her. And I could tell that the specifics of what she was doing were okay. So I put a lot of it down to just her personality and the strength of our relationship (we’ve always been really close). That allowed me to reassure her that it would get better and that the strength of our relationship would serve her well as she moved ahead in college. </p>
<p>I also tried to point out that she clearly was not alone in these struggles, and that it wasn’t always visibly apparent (probably people couldn’t look at her and know what she was going through). This helped, I think, though she told me that interacting with others who she knew were homesick definitely didn’t help - they just fed on each others’ miserableness.</p>
<p>So I’m sure we’re not entirely out of the woods yet, but I feel much better - time really did help, especially as there were not any real problems with fit or what she was doing. My advice is to keep up the contact if it seems needed - this isn’t the time to ask a kid to go without the support. And just brainstorm solutions to the very specific challenges being faced - this will both help smooth the way and provide a sense of efficacy about getting through things.</p>
<p>So hang in there. We were lucky that it was just a few painful weeks, but I think it does resolve with time for the vast majority of students. And if it doesn’t, it may well be a fit issue that has to be confronted down the road with a more long-term solution.</p>
<p>OGM - you are very kind, and I am very happy your D feels better.</p>
<p>We’ve had a better couple of days. One quirk with D is that she started BC pills right before she went to school - on the recommendation of her MD to help with bad menstrual cramps (she and BF are 1000 mi apart, so no other real reason). We’re all wondering if that is messing even more with her moods (which already aren’t always so perky). She told me today she’s going off the pills and seeing if she feels better. </p>
<p>She’s also trying to be less intransigent - the sad, difficult, frustrated feelings were way easier to deal with than the hopeless, “nothing will help” comments. Agreeing to communicate better has eased the stress between us significantly. It’s still going to take some time for her to figure out how to deal with the various issues, but at least we can try to stay supportive instead of making things harder.</p>
<p>And I’m still urging her to make more connections with adults there. That has always been so important to her, at least as much as having peer friends.</p>
<p>Encourage her not to stop the pills except on advise of the doctor. He or she may prefer to change brands rather than stop and start. My own d1 went through 4 formulations before she found the right dose. Two of the four affected her mood. D2 was fine on the first brand she took.</p>