Anyone else have a child who is having a hard time making the transition?

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m sorry to hear about the difficulty some students are having transitioning to college. Keep in mind, these are only 18 year olds, which is such a young age! </p>

<p>Please be easy on yourselves as parents if you’re experiencing this. Also, remember there are plenty of kids who do not do well in a particular high school, then transfer to a different high school and find out it’s a much better fit. If a college choice is wrong, then it just is. No need to flog yourself over it. </p>

<p>I remember years ago reading some kind of motivational article. It mentioned how NASA never uses the word ‘failure’ or ‘mistake’. It makes ‘false starts’. If your son or daughter isn’t connecting with their choice of colleges, it is a false start. There is plenty of time for do-overs. Not saying it’s easy, but there’s lots worse things in life. And you will all learn and grow through the process.</p>

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<p>Well said, Miller (and NASA).</p>

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<p>Hi -
Emmy I am sorry that you are still on the roller coaster…I think that there are many kids questioning their decisions. My gut tells me that kids transfer because of “fit” which includes both social and academic as well as missed expectations. I am also learning that sometimes when kid’s are expressing dissatifaction, they are not necessarily communicating what is really going on because they really are not sure or they are overwhelmed. For example, my D initially complained that she didn’t like living in the city…what I have learned is 1. that she hasn’t had the time to figure out where to get the things she needed (ie… learn the neighborhood) and she was frustrated and 2. she thought every other freshman was having more fun than her (it just turned out she was hanging with the wrong kids and needed to expand her core group to more like-minded kids - which she is doing and it seems to be working out.) She still is on the fence about her major but that will come in time. At home in our town, my D was considered very responsible and mature…but living in the city away she is really just an 18 yo kid that needs to find her way. She needs some maturity to figure it all out.</p>

<p>njmom-When my D is unhappy socially for whatever reason, she is just plain unhappy even if everything else in her life is going well. All work and no play just doesn’t work for her…and sometimes, the fit just isn’t right. So, if your son really knows that this place is not for him, I say he should cut his losses and transfer. Deadlines for many Jan transfers have already passed for many schools so he may have to stick out the year.</p>

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<p>Not to be negative nellie, but just think about a couple of things:

  1. How will you be sure that a transfer next semester will “cure” the problems they are having now? The school COULD be the culprit of their unhappiness, but it could also be other things - even just being away at all! Think HARD before you transfer and where you transfer to.
  2. If the majority of kids who were not happy the first two months of school went through with transfers, I would think the # of transfers at most all schools would be much, much higher than it is now. </p>

<p>I know (from personal experience) how TOUGH it is to see/hear them unhappy. Remember that at one point you thought the current school was a good choice. So if I were you, I would ask your child to also really do some good thinking on what exactly it is that needs to be different at a new school - and to see if you can actually find a school that can not exactly guarantee, but really shoo in those needs. </p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

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<p>

You can’t be sure, but it’s not necessarily the end of the world. Either the student stays at school 2 realizing that the issues were just related to being in a new place, or you go back to school 1. I had a friend at Harvard who transferred there from Swarthmore which she thought was too small and too confining. After a year at Harvard she went back to Swarthmore appreciating it much more!</p>

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<p>EB - I think it’s important to understand that your daughter is from Wisconsin and has been “dropped” into Long Island so there is a bit of a culture shock on top of all the other adjustments Freshman have to make. I hope I’m not coming off obnoxious, but it’s true. Long Islanders are their own breed, have their own idiosyncracies, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter is having difficulty understanding some conversations; between the speed and accents, she could be having trouble deciphering!</p>

<p>My older daughter is on the opposite side of that, although we’re not from Long Island, we are New Yorkers and as such speak quickly and are a bit impatient, we’re friendly but not midwest friendly. During her Freshman year at Northwestern she had to learn to not interrupt other midwest kids because she thought they were done speaking but they were just pausing and speaking slowly as midwesterners tend to do. When we were traveling all over the country for auditions and college trips she finally understood why New Yorkers are considered “not friendly” even though that’s not true, we’re just impatient and in a hurry; we’ll help if you need it and chat with a stranger for a moment, but we want to get on with whatever we need to. I think these cultural differences are great but they do take some adapting.</p>

<p>Enjoy Parents Weekend!</p>

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<p>Interesting points here:</p>

<p>The first piece of advice my parents ever got in college admissions was from an Admissions Director at a very prominent University. He said: “Transfer, transfer, transfer.” The option of transferring exists for a reason, and while I agree that kids should be wary of deciding these things willy-nilly, it can be a very helpful process. I like it that transfer app due dates are later in the spring (often March) so they can give the second semester a really good shot. Yes, maybe there is a “waste” of energy and time (and money) for schools dealing with transfer apps that end up getting dropped, but I think the benefits to these kids are worth it.</p>

<p>I don’t think my D will transfer, and I doubt she even wants to. I do think that considering it and even putting in an application so she has options would be very healthy for her. I certainly wouldn’t want her to be afraid of or embarrassed by the idea of transferring, and I am making sure that she isn’t getting the message from me that she has an absolute responsibility to make this particular school “work out.” No one really knows how they’ll feel at a school until they’ve been there, and the odds are that some people will need to make a change.</p>

<p>amtc: Your regional observations are really interesting. I’m thinking about the kinds of things my D is unhappy about, and it’s possible some are due to cultural differences. I know you’re not accusing her or us of being Midwestern rubes or anything, but I do want to clarify in our case that my family is from the Northeast and my D has spent a lot of time out there (she was born in Massachusetts). It was a very deliberate choice for her to go there for school. There are many things she loves about the Midwest, but I don’t think she’s quite so much as fish out of water as some kids might be. She’s also Jewish, so at the risk of promoting any stereotypes she’s used to 1) a lot of fast talking with interruptions and - more seriously - 2) being “different” from most of the people around her (in fact she usually thrives on that).</p>

<p>She loves cities but did find out on several trips to NYC that she did not want to live IN Manhattan (Boston or pretty much anywhere else would have been OK, but the size, level of noise and intensity of downtown New York or Chicago were too much for her 24/7). Honestly Adelphi is just a little too quiet for her, although she has learned to use shuttles, trains and other rides to get more into civilization, so it’s probably the least of her problems right now. </p>

<p>Being in special programs at Adelphi she is with kids from all over; probably her biggest challenge in the “regional” sense is that so many people go home on weekends, but that was something she knew very well going in. And I’d say there’s a chance she misses the “Midwest nice” a bit in her dealings with some of the administrative offices, but really people at Adelphi have been incredibly nice and caring.</p>

<p>I went from Boston to Chicago to college and had something of the same experience your D had (I was on the south side, not at NU). Luckily some people gave me some great advice before I went, and I was deliberately seeking a different culture anyway. My whole life has been a blend of the northeast and midwest, and I think it’s a wonderful combination!</p>

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<p>EB, kudos to you for realizing that this isn’t all your job to “fix” and that your D must take the responsibility to make a committment currently and/or make a committment to seek out the transfer option. I also really appreciate your comment that no student should feel embarrassed or afraid to transfer - it is easy to feel like you failed as opposed to the school or situation just not working out. Sounds like you are settling into a good stance of being supportive but also keeping her responsible.</p>

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<p>Oh - PS, my D is a theatre major, so one thing she absolutely LOVES are the accents. She came back from orientation this summer just bubbling that a girl sat down next to her and said, “Oh my Gwahd, I have just gwaht to have a cwah-fee!”</p>

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<p>Emmy, I think a large part of her problem may be being so far away, and having people go home on weekends just reminds her that she can’t. We’re in NJ (south Jersey) and I can tell you, the north jersey people and NY people are different, which could be a factor. Maybe she will get used to it, but if her inability to get home is a problem she may not.</p>

<p>I think part of my son’s dislike for the college is fed by other students who don’t like it. There are others as he has told me and as I have seen on Facebook. I also just met a local girl who knows 2 people who transferred out of his school. The one boy from his HS also doesn’t like it.</p>

<p>Someone (you?) said to look at the upside of staying, but this school doesn’t really offer that much more academically. It is smaller so he might get more attention and build relationships, but the State U nearby has so many more course offerings. If he does stick out the spring I will have him hold off on a language course. He hates it and this school requires it, but his transfer option doesn’t. He can always take it later if he has too.</p>

<p>Whether he chooses to continue football may be an issue as to where he continues, no guarantee the nearby school still wants him. I’m not sure how important that is at this point.</p>

<p>Did I mention that his ear hematoma is back? He had bad pain for several days from the procedure and 2 days after the stitches came out it was back. Trying to decide what to do. These are the times when being closer helps. I can’t help but wonder if I’d have asked a question or noticed something. If he’d been nearby I would have been able to facilitate things and probably gotten it taken care of sooner. Now we have to decide if he will redo the procedure and who should do it. It will be a long day, but I may have to pick him up at school and take him to a Philly doctor. Probably should have in the first place.</p>

<p>Tough times being a mommy. He did write a nice essay about me for English though!</p>

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<p>@abasket, I so appreciate your advice. You’re right, this is just such a big transition from the social, to the academic, to just the every day life issues. My son is such a positive guy that I think that’s what really alarmed me actually. He’s like me, it takes a lot to bring down his positive attitude. He has decided to at least stay this entire year and see how he feels in May. Like Emmabet, we feel it’s just smart to at least apply for transfer to a few schools and he will at least have options at the end of the year. He can decide then, but know that he can choose to either stay or start over. His list right now is Wesleyan, Oberlin, Mac, Kenyon and he may apply to Brown again (why not, lol?!). He’s also applying for some specialized housing at his current school where he seems to be a much better fit, but those are competitively based and we won’t know the outcome until Dec. I told him to just keep getting involved with his clubs, and friends. Maybe I will see a kid that has no interest in transferring come May. I just keep to my mantra, “this isn’t for me to fix…it’s his life, he will figure it out”.</p>

<p>njfootballmom, so sorry to hear that your son is having the health issues on top of everything else.</p>

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<p>I agree - one of the major challenges here is how to parent these kids. My D keeps having up and down feelings; Sunday night she was at an absolute low, and was convinced she’d have a completely horrible day Monday, and yesterday she texted me that Monday was her “best day here yet.” Even during her low mood she admitted that she’s tired of these huge swings - and I agree, since I’m tired, too. But I can see that she’s getting more and more perspective and building a lifestyle that includes things that make her happy. </p>

<p>The down times will still come - don’t we all remember just how unbearable certain weeks were when there were papers, tests, all kinds of judgments, maybe a social blip where a friend let you down or romance was going awry … College very much is life on a hot plate, turned either way up or way down. It’s not D’s style to “go with the flow” - in fact she actively resists this adaptive style, since it so offends her passionate nature - but she knows she’s going to have to learn to be that way at least sometimes.</p>

<p>She’s saving telling me about her “best day yet” until I get there Friday. That will be very wonderful.</p>

<p>njmom: Unless you find out something new, it seems like there is no reason for your S to stay at that school. It sounds like a case of going to a school primarily for a sport, and then the sport doesn’t work out, while the rest of the situation really never was the best fit. It happens - and moving to a better place sounds like a great solution.</p>

<p>jkiw: It sounds like you know your S has the inner qualities he needs to face this and solve his problems. I’m sure he’s very glad to know you are there for him, whatever he decides. And as much as we all have to be kind and supportive about a transfer (or a gap year, or a break to go to CC, travel, etc.) really most of these kids will end up finding their way at their current schools. The transition time is the rough part - hopefully we can all get past that soon!</p>

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<p>I just wanted to update that now my son is saying he’s really happy with his decision, lol! I can’t believe we made it through the transition period. I was so worried, but it just took him a good while to adjust. He has some really close friends within the art dept. now and plans to room with them next year (suite style housing). He loves his art classes in particular, and has realized that much of his initial adjustment was realizing that he wasn’t enjoying his Physics courses. He had planned to double major in Physics and art and that idea was really challenged for him last month. He had to evaluate himself more closely and it was hard for him to let go of that plan. So for now, he is focusing only on his art since he came into UVa with over 33 credits of AP and DE coursework. I told him to just take what he knows he will enjoy next semester and he can knock out the other requirements next year. He may even decide to go abroad in the summer --he’s really getting more serious about Japanese language too. thanks for all the support!</p>

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<p>Yay! I am so happy your S made a thoughtful decision and listened to his head, heart and soul. How wonderful!</p>

<p>My D is much better, too. She can still rattle off plenty of things that bother her, but she’s definitely jumped into life at school with both feet now, and is feeling many of the rewards.</p>

<p>We had a great visit a couple of weeks ago. She was amazingly better than she was when her sister visited 2 weeks prior to that. And now, after another 2 weeks at school, she is really past the transition phase, I believe.</p>

<p>When I was there, I never asked her directly if she wanted to leave or transfer. She said lots of things that showed me she knew this was all part of the adjustment period - she talked about next semester, next year, even junior year study abroad and more. She also said that a couple of kids who are talking about transferring are “making a mistake,” that they haven’t seen all of the opportunities this school and program can provide. She told me many goals she has for herself and said she also was ready to broaden her activities and social life - for example, she felt ready to hop a train to the City much more often, now that she was more experienced, whether with friends or even alone (safely, of course).</p>

<p>She also had cleared up some issues on the homefront, some strange miscommunications with friends here, including the BF. She’s feeling much more stable with that, too.</p>

<p>I think she’s also understanding that this was a normal situation, one that many kids experience, and that she can also get involved in helping make the situation better on campus in general as well as the adjustment easier for the next round of freshmen.</p>

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A basket,

That is my son exactly. Very popular in high school. Tons of friends. Went away for summer programs for week in high school and was fine. Always made tons of friends anytime he was away with stranger.s. I never thought he would have a hard time in college but he is and I am very sad for him but hopefully it will get better. He has started clubs and loved them but hasn’t text or called with “everything so much better now” that I have been waiting for

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4 year old thread, might be best to start a new one. Lots of threads like this started in recent days, too. (He will be ok!)