<p>Picklemom, I know that I may not have done the right thing, but my D has been complaining that she doesn’t know where to look for clubs, etc.</p>
<p>So, this morning I jumped on the university web site, where, of course, I found that there are 276 registered clubs! I sent a link to my D, with a list of a dozen clubs, (including the Juggling club!), that would be a place where kids like her would probably be. The link included the weekly schedule for each, including meeting room and time. </p>
<p>Hopefully, she will find it helpful, and not obnoxious. It’s hard to tell them that it’s early, and that she’s not alone, and that it will get better. </p>
<p>I did look at the CC College life board. There are kids on it with the same worries our kids have expressed to us. Somehow, we all made it through, with a lot less support. I’m hoping for the same.</p>
<p>I really endorse Bswsoccermom’s earlier post about the “six week adjustment timeline” as a minimum–and telling kids about it. Years ago they did some studies on stress and change and concluded that it takes the human brain AT LEAST six weeks to adapt to any significant change (positive or negative) and to achieve a new “equilibrium” where you have any kind of capacity for judgment, etc. It’s also why effective habit changes take several weeks after a reliable “routine” begins to establish the new behaviors. Helping kids see that it is normal to feel abnormal when so much has changed can be oddly comforting; also pointing out that everyone else is dysregulated and not being who they really are yet either…It was so much easier when they were newborns and at least would take long naps (maybe)…but think how hard that was. Anyway, hanging in there with lots of empathy and an undaunted confidence that they will make it work goes a long way to helping that happen It is an ordeal but it will inevitable change with time. (I think a moderate increase in parental use of adult beverages during the transition period is also in order :]</p>
<p>It seems too, that with the Labor Day weekend, at my S’s school a lot of people have “exited the building”! It is a small private and many of the kids live not too way away. My S went to the library for a couple hours early in the evening and he said the campus was DEAD. </p>
<p>Positive side - maybe the quietness will encourage those who are left to mesh together. While I wouldn’t go as far as to say he is “upbeat” I will say S is more positive the last couple of days- I think at least the days are not dragging for him. A couple more mentions of “going to lunch with a a guy down the hall” type stuff. Last night he went with a couple of guys to a concert on campus for awhile and then they went and got a late night snack - he was invited to go watch a movie in their room but not sure he did that. At this point, I’ll take what I can get!</p>
<p>Picklemom, here’s something that might work for your daughter. This is a story we heard at orientation this summer - of a student who came and is feeling much the same as yours/mine. Lonely, lost, where is everyone and how can I connect type stuff. The answer: POPCORN. A mom recommended her daughter to open her door, put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and let the magic happen - the magic of the smell of freshly popped corn brings LOTS of people out and around! The student popped it, opened her door and sat out in the hall with her bowl (though you could just open the door), very quickly, 2 girls joined her enticed by the smell! Turns out they too, were lonely, in their room and awkward - yes, my friends, POPCORN can bring people together! Try it! :)</p>
<p>Thanks bswsoccermom, I found the article quite helpful and sent the link to my daughter. I have been harping on the fact she needs to discuss their differences directly with her roommate and decide upon so basic room rules. She has been stewing in silence just as the article mentioned.
This will help reinforce the need for mutual discussion. I am sure my daughter must come off as straight laced and boring to her roomate. Hopefully they can come to a happy medium they can both live with.</p>
<p>The “six weeks adjustment period” statistic was interesting. I have moved many times, and people often told me that it would take six months before the new place was “home” and the old place was no longer “home” but “where I used to live.” I found some truth in that. If true, the six weeks college adjustment period makes sense, in that a college student’s new home is a temporary one.</p>
<p>Another factor here, I think, is that people build up college to be a very exciting, social time. It will be, eventually, but before a student makes lasting friends, finds his way around campus and gets comfortable with unstructured time outside of class, it can be a lonely, disappointing, confusing time, rather than “the time of your life.”</p>
<p>For many kids, it takes the whole semester and even almost all of freshman year to find their place, meet friends and balance their lives on campus. Both of my daughters never clicked with any of their roommates but made friends on their floor and in their classes in their majors and what they were involved in -theatre, art… when my older daughter was having adjustment issues and would call, I would tell her to go outside for a walk, go to the gym, go see an exhibit … every school has clubs but every school also has service organizations in which volunteer time is needed and you do feel better about yourself when you are helping others. Adjustment issues are not limited to freshman year… there’s a big adjustment when you come home for the summer, when you attend graduate school and attempting to get started on a career path and your adult life.</p>
<p>I wrote a similar post 7 years ago. My outgoing, bright, competent and independent daughter had a terribly difficult transition to her college 3,000 miles away. I literally felt my heart sink when I’d see her number on the caller ID because most of the time she would be crying on the other end. I was shocked when I saw her at Parents Weekend and Thanksgiving. She was anxious and depressed and she was becoming progressively ill with a then-undiagnosed chronic illness which, in hindsight, was unfortunate timing and probably a contributing factor to a difficult adjustment. She didn’t want to go back after the first semester and telling her she had to give it another try and could apply for transfers at Spring Break was one of the toughest things I ever did as a parent. Honestly, the night before she was supposed to leave was one of the worst of my life as a parent. She made some changes in her academic program and things began turning around in the first few weeks of the new semester. By spring break there was no talk of transferring schools. She ended up having a great experience, graduating with all kinds of honors, all kinds of open doors and lots of great friends. I also think she’s very glad she lived on the other side of the country. </p>
<p>When I go over it in my mind, there is absolutely nothing that could have tipped us off that the first semester would be so rough. She’d been away from home before, etc. But when I look back on the various factors, I think about what it must be like to leave everything behind and move 3,000 miles away to a part of the country that looks and feels totally different than home where you know absolutely no one, to go from being one of the top students in a public school to being surrounded by some of the smartest kids in the country, many of whom attended top private schools, and to suddenly be under intense academic pressure and, with all of that, to only be 18 years old, which is just not all that old. I realize not everyone has all of those factors at play – some are closer to home, some have at least a few people there whom they know from high school, etc. Maybe the amount of variables as to what is new and different is a predictor for a difficult transition or maybe you just can’t always predict, but I would agree with the posters who say that most of the time these things resolve themselves and most students end up happy with their college. I don’t share my story to scare you, because I absolutely don’t think most kids get to the point she did, but to reassure you that, truly, even with a rough start, it can turn out to be a wonderful experience. My only piece of advice is to stay in touch. This is not the time, in my opinion, to wean her off of you. It’s a good life skill to know how to reach out to your support system when you’re feeling off kilter. There will be plenty of time for letting go later.</p>
<p>I could have written the same post as mimk6, except my son is lousy communicator, and I learned way after the fact how hard he found it to make friends in the new environment. He did not fault the college–they live in small Houses, social events every weekend, meals together, but he felt he was putting on “a face”. Six years later, there as no doubt that he had made an adjustment to the place and people. It was his shyness that interfered with his asking profs for recommendations for grants, etc. </p>
<p>Now I sit anxiously awaiting word about how he’s adjusting to a new grad school, across the contry, with no friends in area. He’s 6 years older, so he knows that he has to extend himself to find a 'friend". Its harder for me, as parent, who always knows how to make small talk, to appreciate the shyness factor in son.</p>
<p>One thing you can try is a little reverse psychology. My niece’s freshman year she called home every night the first week crying. She was miserable, she was lonely, she didn’t think she fit in, etc. My sister tried encouraging her to go to the activities fair, to sit with new people in the dining hall, etc., etc. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, my sister, in a fit of desperation, said to her " Well maybe it’s a good thing that you aren’t getting so social early on, it gives you a chance to focus on your academics, to really become a serious student and have a good solid background to build on when you transfer." My sister heard nothing more for a week when my niece called to say she had gotten a small part in the fall musical (something completely new for her) and she had joined a gourmet club that was going to cook dinner together once a week and she needed a recipe for pilaf and she couldn’t talk right now, people were waiting for her to head out to the movies.</p>
<p>I reread my post and realized it was six years ago, not seven which kind of makes me feel like I’m a year younger. The reverse psychology story is cute – I would love to join a weekly gourmet club. That sounds like a fun way to meet people.</p>
<p>My soph D called Friday morning in tears. She’s been there 2 weeks, non-stop action (orientation training/orientation/classes starting/labs), noisy people upstairs, 2 new suitemates, the usual. “I want to come home,” she sobbed. After a bit of oh, poor dear, she got it together, acknowledged her exhaustion, talked about a potential trip to the coast, and headed off to class. By late afternoon, she’d called again & was fine. She spent 30 minutes talking to her dad (he was in the airport following a trans-Atlantic flight), and told him she’d be getting lots of rest this weekend. All is good. LOL</p>
<p>And that’s something else for freshman parents to remember, zeebamom – these kids are still teens, still have adolescent brains, still up & down from one minute to the next, still see things as black & white, still very dramatic. They are a ball of emotions, which can turn on a dime. There were times that my D would sob on the phone with me, and then 2 hours later would text me some cheery message. Or after the phone call, she’d go out and have a great time with a friend – which I never heard about till much later. I think sometimes we hear the worst; they naturally turn to us when they’re feeling at their lowest, but don’t think to tell us that the thing has been resolved for the moment.</p>
<p>picklemom my oldest daughter went away several states away in fact, and the first 3 weeks I would say were agonizing for both of us. She very much wanted to come home and was definitely homesick and I felt EVERY emotion she felt-long distance, so we were miserable together. My best friend happens to be a psychologist (one friend I will not get rid of…haha) and she strongly advised me to hang tough and to put faith in her and to let her know that I believe in her abilities to cope, and adjust and to ultimately succeed there. So, I never let her on to my anxiety, MY own crying bouts, my nervousness over her situation only kept saying reassuring things and encouraging her that she could do it, to get involved, to meet people, we also limited the phone calls because they became a crutch of sorts.</p>
<p>By week 3 lo and behold…I was getting less calls, I started hearing little revelations that in fact there were some things she did like and in fact was slowly making the adjustment. By Christmas, she was begging me to stay a few extra days before coming home for the break so she and a few friends could go skiing!! She did a 360. This is a huge adjustment for almost all kids in college for the first time…there is the normal transition time, harder for some than others. Girls seem to have a slightly harder time than boys do. Hang tough and let her know you believe in her ability to adjust and succeed there. </p>
<p>Best advice I could have gotten. If after a month or so she still seems miserable then maybe have her speak to someone at university counseling who are there to help kids transition amongst many other things, for my daughter it was a very valuable resource. Good luck, I know it is hard but I bet before you know it she will be telling you all about the wonderful things on campus :)</p>
<p>thanks again all… Yesterday didnt seem that bad, even including a homework/paper freakout… she was afraid the weekend would be long and hard… but she made it thru!</p>
<p>on to another week! :)</p>
<p>how are all my other nervous parents doing?</p>
<p>Made it through the weekend and he actually kept pretty busy! Sounds like he made a couple of friends on the floor that he hung out with a bit this weekend - don’t know if they are “friends forever” friends, but hey, I was thrilled to see him busy. He had a good amount of school work and went and worked out a couple of times. His roommate was gone for a good part of the weekend and I actually think my S kind of enjoyed the privacy and not having to deal with that initial “politeness” thing that goes on early in the roommate relationship (the not wanting to disturb each other, not wanting to make a phone call if the RM is in the room, wondering when they will come back to the room, etc.)</p>
<p>My S actually has classes today - on Labor week - so his week is back in gear. He seemed to not need to call quite as much and was generally more upbeat. I am proud of him for trying. He will come home this next weekend as it might be the only chance for another month since he will have tennis matches the following 3 weeks. </p>
<p>Fingers crossed for all our kids and US!!! :)</p>
<p>Great to hear that things are improving, picklemom and abasket - hoping to hear the same from felixnot. I think we’d all rather be miserable in our own lives than have our kids be miserable. Good for all the kids who are persevering in this challenging spot!</p>
<p>I’m just worried that this upswing will be temporary - hoping not, but fearful of it!</p>
<p>Also, hoping that a weekend home next week will not make it harder to go back. But, we had planned this weekend home long ago so definitely going to make it happen. Crossing toes now too…:)</p>
<p>HI Abasket: I started my freshman year at Cal Lutheran, last Sat. and it is only 45 minutes away from home. Last minute changes to the roommate situation left me without a roommate but I do have two suite mates. Classes didn’t begin until Wed the 1st, so for the first few days of orientation, I felt lonely. No roommates and no friends at school made me want to go back home.</p>
<p>I called my mom a lot specially when I had to walk around the campus by myself, so I wouldn’t look lonely. But my mom finally pointed out the fact that I was not alone feeling the way I did and that there must be lots of kids who feel lonely. Actually she was right. When I looked around, I realized I was not the only kid who looked lost and lonely. Now I feel much better and although I am home for the weekend, I’m looking forward to go back to school. BTW, calling my mom and talking to her and having her be available really helped me out. She did make it clear that although this transition wasn’t going to be easy, that it was going to help me grow and that it is growing pains that hurt… Good luck to you and all of the parents and students on their first year of college.</p>
<p>Picklemom, just got off the phone with my D. Hadn’t heard from her in a couple of days, so I called. She couldn’t really talk cause she had a ton of homework to do! Of course it’s Monday evening, so apparently she had some other things to do during the long weekend!</p>