<p>SoJersey-So sorry about your D’s transition difficulties. Check the school’s website for the registrar’s office for info about refunds for withdrawals. They usually all list dates and refund percentages. This info may help with the decision. I know my S’s school has already passed the deadline for any refunds for this semester. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Hot house flowers wilt quickly.</p>
<p>abasket - Sorry your S is having such a hard time. My S was in a tough position last year when his roommate didn’t show up and his suite mates showed no interest in getting to know him. He ended up going to a public place and playing guitar. He met lots of folks in just a couple of hours. You do have to put yourself “out there.” I was disappointed there aren’t more organized events for kids to get to know one another because putting yourself “out there” is not easy. But sometimes you’re stuck with a floor or suite full of unfriendly people and you have to just get out of that environment and find ways to meet others. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone he has met is unfriendly or not interested in new friends. He just needs to figure out where kids are that are friendly. Dance club? outdoor club? community service? ultimate frisbee?</p>
<p>What did he enjoy other than his sport before college?</p>
<p>It is too early to give up on your kids!!!</p>
<p>The transition from high school to college can be difficult for so many reasons. While it is possible that your child may ultimately decide to transfer, they have not had a chance yet to really know that this is what they should do.</p>
<p>I know where you are coming from, as my D had a very difficult time when she started school. My heart was breaking for her, but I also knew very well that she would get through it. She was lonely for quite awhile. And yes, she did end up transferring sophomore year. BUT … the reason she transferred was NOT because she was lonely. She did eventually find friends at school - being introverted meant that it took her longer to find them. She transferred for reasons related to academic offerings, and that certainly was part of her issues early on. Many things got better with time … and I do mean TIME. I can still recall getting a sad call in early December that rattled me. So it wasn’t a quick adjustment.</p>
<p>In the end, though, she not only survived … but I feel that she learned and grew as a result of her struggles. Not only is it impossible for us to protect our kids from heartache in life … but it is not really a good thing to try to do so. Our college aged kids are adults, and we need to help them learn to live in a world that is not perfect.</p>
<p>Keep giving your kids gentle suggestions. Keep telling your kids that you understand, but that you also KNOW that they can handle these challenges. If time passes and YOUR CHILD (not you) raises the idea of transferring, let YOUR CHILD investigate options. Realize that a change of venue isn’t always the answer, so it is best if you don’t orchestrate that change. You want your child to own whatever transpires if he/she does decide to transfer.</p>
<p>Hang in there. It is highly likely that things will improve.</p>
<p>Kelsmom, DEFINITELY not giving up! :)</p>
<p>It’s just my nature to be thinking ahead though with the “what if’s”. But it is also hard to not wonder if your child is wasting time/money. </p>
<p>One day is definitely my mantra!</p>
<p>abasket…we still don’t look at D2’s year as time/money wasted. She focused on her studies and was able to demonstrate to her transfer school that she was worthy of a scholarship. Did she have a great time…no, and she never found “her people”. But she learned to persevere and learned that she could tackle this challenge. Believe me…we were not thrilled she was walking away from a full COA scholarship! We told her it was in her best interests to stay the year as it was paid for but that it was her decision in the end. We did not step in and do any of the transfer work. We did tell her we would only finance 3 remaining years of school so she needed to choose wisely so she would not lose any credits. She figured it out and is now happy and enjoying a new university.</p>
<p>Barrons: that wasn’t necessary.
Kelsmom: good suggestions and a good perspective. My daughter also was having a hard transition; it’s better now after a month. She still misses home, but she is no longer anxious all the time, is enjoying friends and activities. It’s a big change from high school to college, especially for those going some distance from home. Regular calls and emails, and care packages from home, help. I’d also say, since you are paying for her to be there, that you can insist she attend counseling - and make sure the counselor is a qualified professional, not a grad student.</p>
<p>Maybe but I think some have raised a generation of over-protected non self-reliant kids afraid of their own decisions and self actualization as well as given to instant gratification and unrealistic expectations. If you don’t like that too bad.</p>
<p>I think a kid that can’t go to a party and have some fun meeting people has issues. No, they don’t have to drink although a beer might not hurt.</p>
<p>I am proud and honored that my kids feel they can tell me how they feel - both good and bad - and that they are mature enough to think through things before making rash decisions, just like I, as a parent am trying to make my decisions. I’d certainly rather live in a house like that - than one where, at age 18 - my parent(s) feel I’m on my own. Tis many that make the world go round. And it appears by this thread, that many of us just care for our kids deeply - maybe in a different way than you would Barron - no one has jumped in the car and brought them back home and hand fed them yet!</p>
<p>Different strokes. Not our type of folk? Then bow out of the thread.</p>
<p>I think Barron that many are bringing this up on this thread because they don’t want to influence their kids so the kids can learn to be self-reliant. It’s kind of a support group for parents so we don’t bring unnecessary anxiety to our family, friends, and co-workers in real life. It keeps the parents even-keeled so we don’t over react when the kids call. </p>
<p>I’m one of those parents who have no drama kids. I won’t know anything until after the fact. Yes, they are very self-reliant, but I often worry they won’t turn to someone if needed. My S already told me that he would never ask for help.</p>
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<p>So true AND so challenging. </p>
<p>One more thing they don’t tell us about in lamaze class. (if they even still call it lamaze class)</p>
<p>Good luck to all of you. There is nothing more challenging than watching our kids have a tough time and not being able to do anything but listen. I hope all of your kids are settled soon.</p>
<p>SoJersey, I wrote a lengthy post upthread about my daughters rough transition to college. She did stick it out and ended up happy. The difference is she was 3,000 miles away and couldn’t come home on weekends. Since your daughter is so close, I would really encourage her to stay until December. Tell her to treat it like a commuter job – there during the week, home on the weekend. If that’s the choice between her staying or leaving, I’d do that just so she gets the units, etc. and also so she doesn’t wonder later if she made the right decision after so little time. Of course, it would be better if she didn’t come home, etc. but I think I’d push to finish the semester unless I really started to get the sense she was in psychological trouble.</p>
<p>While your kids may be claiming that everyone is unfriendly, it’s probably more likely that they tried to put themselves out there once (or they think they did) and no one really seemed super-interested, so now they think everyone is unfriendly/already has their friend group etc. It’s intimidating to keep putting yourself out there if you aren’t finding your people, esp. when it looks on the surface like other frosh already have groups of friends, activities etc.</p>
<p>Abasket – not sure if he’s receiving suggestions from you, but it sounds like your S has some games/practices, even though it may not be a full schedule yet. What is he doing after those games/practices? He really should be saying to everyone around – I was going to get food/coffee, does anyone want to come. If he makes open ended offers like that, people who wouldn’t otherwise be inclined to come will do so or if they have their own plans, they’ll like invite him. If he’s worried about putting himself out there and looking bad, remind him that this is all very casual so it comes across as – I’m going whether you guys want to come or not – so it doesn’t look like he’s depending on them for company. Obviously this assumes he thinks the teammates are a good guys that he wants to get to know more.</p>
<p>SJMom – unless she’s pointing to specific things that are wrong, I wouldn’t encourage a transfer for at least 1 semester or 1 yr. If she’s just generally unhappy with adjustment, it won’t change as she’ll have to adjust to another school/job, unless she’s planning on pursuing those at home and then depending on her family, old social circle or old HS to fill the social gap, which would be a bad idea as well. Can you discourage her from coming home every weekend? It’s hard to say to a child, but if she does that every weekend, she’ll be seen as a commuter and people will make less effort to engage because they know she won’t be around to hang out. Also, it will set up a cycle for her (maybe already has) where she will live the week looking forward to Friday and dreading Sunday when she has to go back – as long as she’s in that mindset, she won’t make the effort to really put herself out there and engage because she knows Friday is right around the corner.</p>
<p>Luckily my son seems to be making a good transition. I think it’s helped that he’s in a small all freshman wellness dorm. He’s all the way across the country so I had been worried about the transition.</p>
<p>My sister on the other hand had an awful first year. She went from California to an all girl’s school on the east coast (back in the 80’s). She was never happy, hated the weather, never fit in with the other girls etc. She called my parents sobbing to let her come home for Spring Break. She ended up transferring to a new school in California for her sophomore year and was so happy. So sometimes it’s just the fit of the school. </p>
<p>I’ve heard others say that it can take until Thanksgiving to really click, so hopefully that will happen for everyone.</p>
<p>I am soooo lucky. My freshman D loves her school and calls and texts daily to tell me what great thing is happening that day. I know that many say you should “wean the mother daughter relationship” and reduce the contact. However, she has tons of friends there, she’s self-reliant, and I’m on her list of friends to talk to. I am quite content with that. I’m just counting my blessings. And knocking on wood.</p>
<p>Back in the stone age when I went to school, I had a tough transition, and ended up dropping out. And it was not because I was a hot house flower. I did all of my college applications without parental input, and paid for most of college myself (back when you could)</p>
<p>Part of the problem was that I was an introvert; I commuted the first semester then rented off campus while I was there. Looking back, I should have dormed it, but the dorms seemed so icky.</p>
<p>The school seemed to attract students from the regional high schools, so there were pre made cliques of students already in place. I tried joining some student groups, but nothing ever clicked.</p>
<p>Sometimes, the fit just isn’t right.</p>
<p>I very much had that in mind when my S was applying to schools. I felt that a small school would not be a good choice, since there was probably a pervasive culture where he would either fit in - or not. Probably a more homogeneous student body.</p>
<p>At a larger school, there would be a better chance of him finding ‘his’ people.</p>
<p>And he is doing great. I think it is helpful that he is grouped with other freshmen in his major, and he is much more outgoing that I ever was.</p>
<p>But for those just starting now, it’s early days. The reality can be much different than what was anticipated. Learning to deal with unexpected situations , differing expectations, and setbacks is an important learning process in itself in the transition to adulthood.</p>
<p>picklemom: You need to get to the root of the problem. Why does she not like it there? Roommate issues? Misses her friends? What? Most problems are either solvable or they are going to exist no matter where she goes to school. Problem can’t be solved until you know what it is.</p>
<p>If it is a roommate issue. D can talk to the school and they can reassign roommates. They would much rather do that than loose a student.</p>
<p>Even if it isn’t a roommate issue, bring the problem up with the school. It is better if it comes from your D and not from you.</p>
<p>My D is way across the country on the other coast. I had a talk with her a couple of weeks before she headed off to school. Your high school years are behind you and all your friends are off to various schools. Nothing you can do about it. Didn’t know if this was to be an issue with her but thought it could be. Was glad to get it out in the open and talk about it. Turns out she was OK with it and was not an issue with her.</p>
<p>Hate to say it, but maybe a little less contact would be better. Try texting instead of calling. Texting still gets the message across but with a lot less emotion.</p>
<p>If she is still having problems, try getting her to agree to stay at least thru one semester. Discuss with her the options if she leaves school. It may turn out that staying in school is the lesser of all the evils.</p>
<p>Good Luck.</p>
<p>Although my son’s unhappiness is nowhere near the level of some of the posters, I think one thing that he is having difficulty adjusting to is the difference between being a senior with all of the “power” of that status and being a lowly freshman. I will try not to remind him that he wasn’t all that popular at his high school as a freshman and that things will get better (I think he will figure that out himself). As much as I want to hear from him, I am not going to nag about calling home until after Parents’/Family weekend in 2 weeks. He has used the few phone calls that he has made as a venue to complain. I know that he is making friends and is very busy. In his last phone call, he was complaining that he couldn’t find a place for band practice. I guess one of the group will figure it out that the music dept might be the place to start (S is taking bass lessons).</p>
<p>But there is a certain delicate balance to making friends. You can’t tell your child “listen! Go make friends!” Friendship happens because people are open to it and it is reciprocal. Normally, making friends is not something you have to “work” at - of course you need to be talking to others, becoming involved, put a smile on your face, etc. But what if you’ve done all that and still, everyone goes off in their groups or comes home and shuts their doors???</p>
<p>exactly abasket. i couldnt have put it better </p>
<p>my D bought a ticket for a party tonight… so i hope she goes and has fun… friday night was another night of hanging out by herself. ugh</p>
<p>BTW - i dont talk to her… it is all email and text… talking is too emotional. </p>
<p>so please keep a good thought that she has fun tonight!</p>