<p>I am still on the roller coaster with my freshman son but now the hills are further apart. I get unhappy emails only once a week or so instead of every other day. He has found an activity that he likes (the college radio station) and has made friends there and on his floor. Now it’s just the classes that he doesn’t like. Parent’s weekend is in a couple weeks so I should get a better read on how he’s doing than I can get from emails.</p>
<p>Mamakin, what is it about his classes that he doesn’t like?</p>
<p>My son, a freshman at a large university, who came from a very very small private school told me last night that he misses having a faculty advisor that he met with weekly in a small group. He says he feels lost and not quite sure what’s going on. He chose the large U because it was a large U – although he had acceptances from small LACs. I’ve advised him to find a professor in his major that has office hours right after the (major field) class he has in that building and make friends. Plan to stop in a few times a month. The prof for his class is not that approachable … but some of the others that teach that intro class are very approachable.</p>
<p>Any other suggestions? He’s also in an advanced language class (the only freshman in 3rd year and apparently the only student that can actually converse in the language), but the instructor for that class is an adjunct. That would probably be a good person for him to establish a relationship with also.</p>
<p>Hi abasket – I only know for sure about one class, his language class. He was put in 200 level, since he had four years of the language in high school. But since they worked out of a different book, he is struggling to keep up. The 100 level class would be way too easy, so he is kind of stuck. I think in general it is just the amount of work required is somewhat of a shock to him, despite having taken AP classes in high school. Also that as a freshman, he didn’t have a lot of choices as to what classes to take, he had to fit into the requirements. I am hoping he will suck it up and do the work, hoping, hoping…</p>
<p>Just wanted to add that it can take a while to find one’s “true” friend group in college. I had lots of very nice acquaintances my freshman year, but it wasn’t until sophomore year that I really met people who I now (I graduated in May) consider very good, and hopefully long-lasting, friends.</p>
<p>I know it’s not for everyone, but I’d also like to mention looking into the Greek system as at least a possibility. I never thought I would join a sorority going into college, but after 1st semester, I really liked the idea of a “consistent” social group, not one connected to more time-limited things like classes, etc., and joined in the Spring of my freshman year. It wasn’t perfect (what is?), but it was wonderful socially and personally for me, and I met some amazing friends (as well as some women who are just amazing in general, even if they may not be close friends) through my chapter.</p>
<p>Updates? </p>
<p>This was a tough weekend for my S. Sounds like campus is DEAD except for a few frat parties. S tells me he has walked up and down his floor, the floor above him and walked all around campus last night to see anything that might be going on and found nothing. He walked to the library to study, studied and came back and saw no one out and about on campus. I’m feeling so angry! We asked the questions way back when about how many kids are involved in frats/sororities, are there activities on the weekends, do kids stay on the weekends - I feel like we did our homework but were given false info - or else kids are holed up in their rooms doing who knows what!!!</p>
<p>I’m really frustrated this morning. 
What healthy, social 18 year old kid wants to spend the weekend holed up in their room doing homework the whole weekend? Hard to find someone to play tennis with, eat with, work out with, etc. if they aren’t around!</p>
<p>That sounds sad. I am picturing lots of freshman holed up in their rooms, not connecting with each other. Today is Sunday. Is he religious at all? He might find some kids on campus if he attended a religious service.</p>
<p>Abasket: It does sound like your son is really trying to make things work, but that the campus isn’t as advertised. My daughter’s campus is bustling every weekend. I’m sorry that he’s having such a hard time. Has he considered transferring? I know kids who stuck out one unhappy semester and then either transferred or came home and went to a cc second semester. All of them were much happier at another school. You can do your homework and pick what looks like a great fit, but sometimes it’s just not the right place. Hang in there. I know how hard it is when your child is unhappy.</p>
<p>Is it like that all of the time or just this weekend? Is it a holiday weekend for his campus? Many schools empty out on the long weekend. It is fall break for DD. Her soccer team is traveling to a tournament or she would have been off on a trip somewhere with friends. Last year she came home.</p>
<p>Holiday weekend for DD too. Most kids went home. She is getting over a cold and behind on her work. Elected to stay on campus but it is pretty dead. I would not call this particularly weekend typical however it sounds like abasket’s kid’s school isn’t as they expected and it might be time for a change…</p>
<p>abasket, many schools have Monday off for Columbus Day, and I’ve noticed a large number of my kids’ friends are home this weekend. Even if your S’s college doesn’t have Monday off, if it has a large number of students who live within a couple of hours they may have all gone home because their friends are home this weekend.</p>
<p>Skimming thru previous posts, I saw comments about kids who LOVED hs having a harder time adjusting to college. I’ve noticed this too. My D did not have a great social experience in her hs. You’d never know it - she was a class officer, captain of 2 sports teams, etc. But from about junior year on, when she wasn’t at school she was with kids from OTHER high schools - kids she met on a club sports team, or her boyfriend & his friends (he went to a private school). Those friendships were nice but not as tight as friends in her own school would have been, but due to some bad experiences in her own hs she had pretty much given up on having anything more than superficial “sit with me at lunch” friendships there. She was very excited to get to college and get a fresh start. Her expectations weren’t overly high, she didn’t expect new BFFLs in her first weeks. But she reached out, and college has met her expectations and more - she’s made a lot of friends and is really happy. (It helps tremendously that her college bends over backwards to encourage interactions between kids - lots of formal and informal activities, and her whole English class lives on her co-ed floor, to encourage social and academic interaction). </p>
<p>Her roommate and her BF are having a little more trouble. The roommate had a circle of truly close friends in hs, and although she and D get along great and have made friends at school, the roommate has admitted to being close to miserable on occasion because she missed her old friends so much. The BF is at a different (very large) college. He had a very tight circle of great friends in hs, and last summer one of his friends had warned D that he was worried about BF heading to college - “He had such an amazing time in hs, and really found his people, it’s going to be very hard to replicate that in college.” And that seems to be true. He misses D and his friends, and his college doesn’t seem to do as much to make sure kids are interacting.</p>
<p>I think maybe kids like D are accustomed to not feeling completely “plugged in,” so that unsettled “I don’t really know many people yet” feeling isn’t a shock to them. The idea that it might be a weekend and they have no plans isn’t foreign to them. OTOH, for the kids who had that strong social connection in hs, for whom making friends was kind of effortless, the experience of starting over can feel very “wrong.” If they’re lonely, they feel like they must be doing something wrong, or there is something wrong with everyone else. </p>
<p>Or, perhaps its as simple as “You can’t miss what you didn’t have.” For the kids who had a lot of friend in hs, the uncomfortableness of a new place hits them so much harder than kids who were shaking the dust of their hs from their feet as they headed off to college.</p>
<p>OTOH, it doesn’t sound like abasket’s S’s school is doing a whole lot to help kids get to know one another and interact.</p>
<p>Abasket, that must be so hard for you to hear. I think that Lafalum84 makes some good points. My niece had a really tough time her first semester because she expected to make friends as easily as high school–and she left a boyfriend at home. By second semester, she had found her group and she and the boyfriend had worked out a good way of keeping the relationship going. (They are still together even though she is now in grad school even further away from him).</p>
<p>My son was a slow starter in high school. His best friend was in Poland for the first semester and his other close friend from middle school went to another city school. S was convinced that he was a social outcast. He gradually built up a group of friends and his friend returned from Poland. By senior year, he realized that his perceptions of his social abilities were pretty much off. When he got to college, he missed his high school friends and didn’t like the guys on his floor. I was worried that his final memories of high school were going to interfere with making friends at college. After driving 6 hours with S and one of his dormmates, I am reassured that he has found “his people”. He still doesn’t like a lot of the guys on his floor but the guys (and girls) on the other two floors are cool. They are already talking about trying to get an interest group floor for next year.
I think coming home for the weekend (fall break is 4 days) cemented the idea that he is truly gone. He had planned to spend Fri nite with a friend and ended up coming home. Most of his friends are away at school and the ones that are still here just are having trouble connecting like they used to.</p>
<p>I don’t see any point in being angry at a college if your son isn’t making friends. I don’t think any college can guarantee a social life for its students. You mentioned there are frat parties, so that is one way to make friends- maybe he can do a winter rush. Another idea would be for him to get a weekend job; not only would he be busy, but he would also meet people at work. Not all the new friends need to be from school.</p>
<p>abasket, If your son is unhappy with the campus environment, there isn’t anything wrong with him sending out a few transfer applications for fall 2011. Having options for the next academic year in hand will give your son a sense of security. If things don’t get better in the Spring, this plan of action will give him options.</p>
<p>My son transferred out of his “dream” college after freshman year. He wasn’t homesick.
He wasn’t struggling academically. He discovered that the school’s on-campus living environment was not as he had hoped (nor was it anything like what the admission’s people advertised). Weekends pretty much revolved around the majority of students getting drunk at frat houses. The clubs he joined were lacking in participation and appeared to be more of a way to pad a resume than actually perform activities and get to know others. Greek life was much more predominant than the admission’s people told us (we specifically asked questions about it). Most importantly, the overall feel of the student body wasn’t as he had hoped. He completed and sent out transfer applications by Thanksgiving of his freshman year. By the end of his winter break, he had around 3 acceptances in hand. This made the Spring semester bearable for him. By the beginning of March, he had received 2 additional transfer acceptances and he decided to definitely transfer to a new school. When my husband picked him up at the end of the Spring semester to bring him home for the summer, he threw out everything associated with that school (anything with the school’s name on it went in the garbage. Sweatshirt, t-shirts, etc.). This is how much he hated the school.</p>
<p>He started his sophomore year at a new transfer school (public rather than private, 5700 students rather than 3,000). The new transfer school was about an 8 hour drive north of our home. The original college was about a 7 hour drive south of our home. The transition into the transfer school was easy. He made more friends in his first week at the transfer school than he did all year at the other school. He loved it. He graduated from his “new” college with Summa Cum Laude honors in the Spring and is now at another college in a graduate program (he’s loving this new college also).</p>
<p>My suggestion is to talk with your son about the possibility of sending out a few transfer applications just to give him options for next fall. If he comes to like his current school, he can stay. If he ends up still not enjoying the school, he’ll have options.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it’s not a transition problem with the student. Sometimes the reason is simply due to a bad fit.</p>
<p>This weekend may be homecoming weekend at many high schools and many, many college freshman go home to see friends.</p>
<p>Friend of DD’s transferred for spring semester freshman year because campus environment was so different than she had been led to believe. Our area is very diverse and she went to a southern SEC/heavily Greek school. She transferred to a more northern school with far less emphasis on sports and Greek life. She was much happier there. </p>
<p>Sometimes you just make a mistake and the sooner it is corrected the better. If no one made mistakes there would be no transfers. However, do not let grades suffer since transfer becomes difficult then.</p>
<p>I would imagine? that most of the schools that are seeing kids away this weekend are those that do not have fall break next week…?</p>
<p>lafalum: great post; a perspective I had never thought of but definitely fits with the kids around here that are/have had adjustment issues.</p>
<p>I too, thought since fall break is NEXT weekend, that this weekend kids would stay around.</p>
<p>He went to worship this morning. He said they passed around a paper you could put your name on if you were in EC activities through worship - he signed it. Said though, that there were only about 20-25 students at worship.</p>
<p>He does have a GF who is much closer to home that he is missing terribly. I know that doesn’t help. And I think she is kind of needy and is missing him a lot too, so they probably are feeding off of each other. But we’ve been over all that OVER And OVER!!!</p>
<p>His RM at the last minute had his brother over for the night last night - they went out partying and S found the brother sleeping on the floor (not on the futon) this morning. S says the frat parties seem to def = drinking and he just will is not interested in that. S said he is going to have a talk w/RM about his bro coming to visit (this seems to also be a frequent thing as of late) it makes it awkward for son who then feels “in the way” in the room when RM and bro are sleeping or changing clothes or whatever.</p>
<p>We will get through this. 
I know we will. We will talk this weekend when he comes home. He has had a lot to work through in a short amount of time: leaving GF, school where he knew no one, trying to find a place on the tennis team, computer died (see my rant on the cafe side!!) - so has been 2 weeks w/out a working computer, lack of activities, etc. I am trying to think of options all the time - what we would do about a transfer situation, if a single room would help (his roommate also goes to bed early during the week - like 10:30 each night and son feels like he can’t study/chill/talk on the phone after that time). S is very sports oriented - HOPING,HOPING,HOPING that more intramurals start soon - so far only flag football which is a “no” for him.</p>
<p>It helps so much to just vent here - thanks so much for listening.</p>
<p>D1 is home for her fall break. We are 7 hours away by plane now, but she still thinks of it as her home. </p>
<p>D1 was happy enough in high school, but not one of the most kids. The main reason was because she was too busy to party with most of them, and being one of the smarter kids didn’t endear her to many of her classmates.</p>
<p>D1 was apprehensive about college, but she seemed to have blossomed in college. It’s ok for her to be smart and busy. Most of friends are just as busy and driven. I did encourage her to go out and be social, not to spend all of her time on school work. By joining a sorority allowed her to meet a lot more people than she normally would have. It also gave her instant acceptance the first few years. </p>
<p>I am going through new kid syndrome with D2 now. She is a junior at a new high school. She thought people would accept her and welcome her from the start. It didn’t happen. It has been very painful to watch. I told her to scale back her expectations. She now has people whom she could have lunch with, but no one she wants to hang out with on weekends yet. We try to schedule events for her to look forward to - vacations, relatives visiting, visits back home. She seem happier, but it’s baby steps. Hopefully by the time she goes off to college she will have better coping skills. </p>
<p>I think abasket’s son should send out few transfer applications just in case if he wants to transfer. He may even feel better if he thought there was an out, and may even learn to like his current school in the mean time. Keep up his grades so he would have more options.</p>
<p>Good advice oldfort and along the lines of what I am thinking as well. Not sure how my H is going to do with all this - my hope of course is that we are prepared with options, but that as the year goes along, things somehow improve. </p>
<p>I can’t help but wonder if things would be any different if GF wasn’t in the picture. Would he somehow ALLOW himself to connect better? I’m not sure how to handle this. Not like I can ask him to dump the GF. We have talked over and over about IF they have a future, he needs to HAVE a future. In other words, an education.</p>