<p>Anyone else having a hard time accepting a child's decision? We let D decide which school to attend from those to which she was admitted. The school she decided to attend (three days ago), is the one that I was least excited about, but I didn't realize how negative I would actually feel. I waited two days, but it was incredibly difficult to mail the deposit today and say no to the other schools to which she was accepted. I haven't let her know how I feel and I want to become enthusiastic, but I'm having a hard time.</p>
<p>Your D has acceptances from excellent schools. I am wondering which one you could possibly not like? Is it the all-female school?</p>
<p>It's not easy to keep your opinion to yourself, but try and not let her see how you feel. She is the one going to her choice, and in a few months when you see how happy she is there, maybe you will start to feel that glow.</p>
<p>Last year at this time, our D was undecided until 3 days after the Decision-Day. But we stood back, offered counsel when asked, and allowed her to make her choice. She LOVES where she is. Obviously your D feels strongly about her choice, if she is not waiting until Monday to name it. Be glad of that. Be glad that she is not doing eeny-meeny on May 1st.</p>
<p>Has she asked you for your opinion? If so, I would plan in advance and make pro/con list.
My S had decided on his choice, and I wasn't thrilled. It was his best option, so I kept my doubts to myself. Then, LOL, my #1 choice accepted him off WL!!! I LOVED throwing an impromptu party; my heart was truly in it, and have been grateful since!</p>
<p>Been there, done that. But it's worked out great. S is so happy at his choice and, after I realized the first four or five happy phone calls weren't some kind of fluke, so am I!</p>
<p>Have you actually visited the school with your D? If not, you definitely should, and maybe then you'll see what your daughter loves about it.</p>
<p>Although we haven't reached the final decision stage yet (S is transferringn from Tulane due to Engineering phase-out and transfer decisions don't all come in until end of May :( ), I have experienced the same thing. He has already ruled out my first choice from the acceptances he has in hand. Further, he is thinking of staying at Tulane one more year and transferring as a Jr. instead of as a Soph. I love Tulane and New Orleans, especially for him, but I'm not sure this is a wise choice.</p>
<p>I just remind myself that he is 19-going-on-20, and that there is not a <em>wrong</em> choice here. Also, of his remaining transfer contenders, I have spent some time reminding myself of all the positives of them. No point thinking about why I liked the one he's nixed.</p>
<p>If youve already mailed the deposit, then I think the best thing to do is just keep quiet and lean on somebody close to you. It wont do any good to let your kid know you hate her choice at this point in the game. And it could be that it really was a good choice.</p>
<p>But my way of dealing with this kind of thing is to let the kid know how I feel as soon as I find out where he will be applying. I am finding though, that to a kid, some colleges can be like girlfriends. Say something bad about it, and the kid wants the college even more. So I try to calmly present lots of data supporting my view. I do this right up until the kid begins to fill out applications. After that, I shut completely up and get behind the kid. He knows where I stand and there is just no need to harp on it at a time when he needs my support.</p>
<p>What makes me feel good about this approach is that it lets me know that I have done all I could to alert my kid of what I think are potential problems. After that, Ive done my duty and am fine with leaving everything else entirely up to the kid.</p>
<p>Thanks for the comments. Having a sounding board helps. If my discomfort had a rational explanation, I think I would have already dealt with it. I hope I don't have to wait until the fall semester to turn my feelings around. I have visited the college and it is fine. The closest thing I can figure - and this doesn't put me in a positive light - is that her choice is the least selective of her five options. I don't think it is a "what other people will think" thing because in our part of the world more people know something about the school she will be attending than some of her other choices. Rather, coming from a public high school in a non-urban area, her mother and I felt like having a stong peer group combined with the many small LAC benefits would be a positive thing for her. But, repeating myself, if my discomfort were rational I would have resolved it.</p>
<p>We were hoping my son would choose a smaller school - I really like the idea of smaller classes and personal attention. We were willing to pay the extra $. He chose a large public (thankfully with a honors college that will hopefull make a difference with the personal attention part). We have supported his decision and are hoping for the best. The kids in the honors program at his future school seem to love it so....
Hope things turn out well for your D!</p>
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The closest thing I can figure - and this doesn't put me in a positive light - is that her choice is the least selective of her five options.
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You are certainly not alone in this, Invirginia. It is hard not to succumb to the college admissions "culture" that surrounds us. Even here on the Parent Forum of cc, we are subject to equal doses of "love thy safety", "don't be a prestige-monger" and a strong bias toward seeing acceptance by the most selective schools as a validation, and attending the most selective as an assurance that the education will be high quality. Of course, we know in our heart-of-hearts that a good education can be had in many venues. I think that when you see your daughter thriving in her new environment (and hopefully before that) you will be able to put your worries to rest.</p>
<p>Also - there is no 'best' school - only the 'best' (or right up there) for a particular person.</p>
<p>Invirginia,
I had a similar reaction last year for somewhat similar reasons, worried my D would not be around motivated students. She could pick up on my feelings so I had to be careful and try to stay exited with her. She is actually shining,now, was offered paid research this summer with a professor, is in the honors college, gets tons of personal attention from her professors and offers of programs as a freshman normally reserved for upperclassmen. She was elected to student government etc. She would not be such a shining star in another atmosphere and is loving the experience. Coming from a competitive HS she did not have this experience and is thriving. Things work out for a reason and I have learned to trust my D's instincts more. Good luck!!</p>
<p>Invirginia, which school has she decided to attend? Perhaps some of the parents familiar with her choice can help alleviate some of your discomfort.</p>
<p>Last year I actually got a bit weepy when one daughter chose the U of Illinois over Tulane. I really believed she would have a better experience at Tulane. Well, this has been a fabulous year and she is so happy at the U of I. She loves her major, her dorm, and the fact that she really can get home for a quick weekend. She has made some very nice friends and has done beautifully in her classes. She has grown and matured in a way that amazes me. Needless to say, I'm now convinced that she made the best decision at the time - better than I could have made for her.</p>
<p>The important thing to remember is that our kids are very adaptable and most likely will adjust to many different situations. Do not stand back, have a talk with you child, express your feelings, listen to her, not because you might sway her opinion but because two of you might understand each other better. Don't let your resentment dig deeper trench.</p>
<p>InVirginia - I so empathize! Last year I felt the same way! Now that he has a year (almost) under his belt at his choice school, I look at myself in the mirror & ask what were you thinking old woman!? LOL! I strongly urge you to refrain from saying anything.... now is the time for dreams not doubts! You did good mom & dad; you're baby is about to take her first true solo; it's good that you let her file her own flight plan. But man oh man, it's scary!!!!!!!</p>
<p>If you can't keep quiet, and want to share with your child, why not write a letter to them, and hide it away...say everything you want to say, it can be rambling, it can make no sense, but get it out of your system...its more for you then for them...but put it away or burn it or make your spouse or your best gf read it)</p>
<p>If your child is being rational (and believe me from what I am reading, many aren't!!) have a talk like:</p>
<p>Don't read into the questions I ask, I am learning to let go and let you make your life decisions (sniff) and I may not be prefect in how I handle it, the comments I may let slip, or the doubts I may have</p>
<p>It is not a reflection on you, its me still being your mom, and I support you, am so proud, and know that you have what it takes to do well"</p>
<p>(and IF that school doesn't work out, the one that wasn't your fave, do not pull out the letter, no I told you so's, they will figure out that for themselves and have to deal with the consequnces...the letter is to get the "stuff" out if your system!!!)</p>
<p>Blame everything on menopause. It works for me.</p>
<p>You can say almost anything and get away with it if you are willing to concede that it may be your hormones talking rather than your brain. ;)</p>
<p>you guys all sound so noblel.I did share my doubts about spending 50k yearly for an ok private school versus a better regarded public. </p>
<p>After reading all the posts I feel cheap but at some time a child/person should understand that money is a factor.</p>
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Blame everything on menopause. It works for me.</p>
<p>You can say almost anything and get away with it if you are willing to concede that it may be your hormones talking rather than your brain.
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haha. Marian:</p>
<p>If I were to try this on my kids, they'd just giggle and look at me funny.</p>