Just wondering. It’s been a 24/7/18 year thing and all was sort of well and dignified until we saw other parents departing from the dropoff in very dramatic fashion.
He’s a legit superstar of epic proportions in every single way and it’s almost shocking.
I should just be overwhelmingly happy and pleased; and not totally out of control depressed.
Thanks in advance for any free therapy.
Disclaimer - I’ve never had therapy so saying “free therapy” isn’t implying that I’ve had actual therapy.
It’s a big change, it’s hard especially when you get on well with your kid/ parents of friends/ school.
It’s hard, your kid is on a new path and the parent can’t follow and is not needed like before.
But it is great when they’ve grown and matured and have opportunities (vs obstacles that hold them back and keep them from independence).
You could try new activities, volunteer, take up new study or hobby. Focus on gratitude and activities you’re interested in.
Or continue to support the high school and the extra curriculars, pay it forward.
As I wrote last year after drop off "This is sadder and harder than I thought. But it would be sadder, and harder if he weren’t going to college ".
Also, I’m finding we are getting closer to our oldest after college graduation. So there’s hope!
My youngest is applying now for college. When she goes, I will have spent half of my life parenting children (4 kids, ages 27 to 17). I know it’s better than them not being successfully launched; I know she’ll be ready and happy and will rock this - but I will be sad. I will miss her and I will miss the daily activity in our home. So, I validate you - it can be really hard.
It’s very difficult but it will eventually get easier. Your normal routine, what’s comfortable and familiar, has been suddenly exchanged for a new reality. That transition period is HARD. But eventually a new sense of familiar will set in and it will seem normal (and most importantly OK) that your child isn’t close by. Eventually the disruption of normal (albeit a pleasant one) will be when he’s home.
Hang in there. Soon that feeling won’t be quite so overwhelming. The next time you see him will be a very special visit that you will not take for granted. Before he went away to school, when was the last time you could truly say that?
Both of my kids were irritable, somewhat unpleasant teenagers, so I looked forward to them leaving.
My time is my own again, and soon my money will be too!
It’s great fun to visit them now, and to not be involved in their lives unless asked.
I never did manage to develop much of a social circle outside of work and 1-2 friends. When the kids lived at home, they were my go-to people for movies, and company while doing errands & projects.
I’d say this has been the hardest transition for me! I need a wider circle of friends and more friends who are available on short notice. I joined a hiking club, which has been great, but friendships have been slow to develop outside the hikes.
I know not everyone feels this way, & I don’t mean to diminish your sad feelings!
Just so you know it gets better. My son is going to be a junior this year and was away almost the entire summer doing programs /internships for school. Only really spent maybe like 2. 5 weeks total with him. Driving him to college gave us a lot of time to talk. He plays sound tracks that are from my music Era (he prefers “my music” also). He played Cats in the cradel " and" Father and son " and I nearly lost it. These songs question if you done things the right way being a parent, relationships with your kids, etc. This wasn’t intentional. He played Bad Company and Led Zeppelin etc. Lol. Lots of things that I could of done better went through my mind.
But at the end of the day we are just happy that they (my daughters a senior in college) have adjusted well, made friends, are active on their campus
We have adjusted also. It’s not that big of a deal when they go to college now (except for those songs… Lol). We love hearing all their stories of what’s going on in their lives. They do keep in touch.
… Sometimes… Haha…
My son actually called me yesterday to tell me to turn on the TV since Michigan State was about to lose to an unranked team in football. (sorry Spartan fans), this ledto an hour conversation of “what’s going on”. He is really busy on campus and now I see why he doesn’t have “time to text”.
Again, it gets better.
It will get easier but it is hard right now I’m sure! It’s a big transition, totally normal to feel a bit lost and sad.
I’ve always enjoyed Kahlil Gibran’s poem, “On Children”:
"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable."
I’ve always treasured solitude all throughout my adult life. I also loved children. Raising my two kids defined all that I needed to know about what constitutes happiness. I even gave up on my career and became a stay-home dad when my kids were little so I can raise them full time, and we were a happy family. As a stay-home dad, it was a hard work being a full-time home chef, chauffeur, repair man, tutor, coach, counselor, dad, husband, you name it. I also needed time and space to myself.
So, when my second kid went off to college very far away last year, it was a mixture of sadness and gladness. We communicated briefly perhaps once every two weeks all academic year since. We had them for the whole duration of this summer, but their home visits in the future summers will not be as long, and that’s just the way I want it. I’m happy when I’m together with them or communicate with them long distance, but I’m also happy when I have my solitude and my own space and the activities that I pursue in peace.
My wife suffers their absence, but she has taken up her interest in drawing. I’ve been a passionate photographer for the past 3 decades, particularly wildlife and bird photography with hummingbirds as my favorite subject. Things we do together are gardening, hiking, cooking and traveling. We also have our own space, time and solitude.
Being a parent doesn’t mean you’re there solely to raise your kids. Being a parent also means you still need to nurture yourself and continue to “raise” yourself. Let go of your children. Hummingbirds have now all migrated south. I shall miss them, but they will return.
@OneMoreKid It will get easier! My daughter was very good about keeping in touch via text (daily) and phone or video chat 1+ times per week. You’ll get used to the new normal and before you know it, your child will be home for a break. I have found the longish visits over the winter holidays and summer to be really special because of the heightened appreciation of being together. Hang in there!
Not fair to post that @TiggerDad !
Of course.
It only takes having one kid fall ill to make you appreciate how lucky you are that the others are doing well. I don’t miss my two younger kids for that reason. They are thriving and that’s all that matters to me. My oldest wasn’t so lucky.
Why should you be overjoyed? You of course should be happy for your child, but I think assuming you ought to be overjoyed is bound to be hard to achieve. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Understand that it’s a process that takes time.
I just became an empty nester. It’s been two weeks, and I’m already feeling better about it this week than last week. Just give it time, because it gets easier. If you find yourself succumbing to tears, distract yourself and don’t focus on the absence, but rather what you can do with your new-found time.
I think we’re supposed to miss them. For me, it’s an interesting year because it’s my DD3’s sophomore year. My older two DDs graduated in May and are back home. I actually think last year was easier because all three of them were gone. With my older two back in the house, I have three “kids” home and are just missing the one. It feels off. She’s also not a big one to talk on the phone (although she will text me a couple of times a week.)
Anyway, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Just make them yours as opposed to your child’s responsibility. Practice a lot of self-care. Make some plans to look forward to. Don’t be afraid to send the occasional care package. Most importantly remember that there is no shame in not being thrilled about this time of your life. It’s okay to need time and help to deal with it.
D is a freshman commuter (prefers to live at home and also that’s the only way to afford her school on one income without going into debt). I’m tremendously grateful to still share her at home. But it does feel like a transition still - I feel rather than ripping off the bandaid in one swift move, we are in slow motion. Such big change from a few months ago in high school. And I’m giving her the space to explore her independence, figuring her classes on her own, the time she needs away. She’s busy morning to late evening and most days I get one-word answers and the door to her room is closed. She told me the other day, “I have no energy to talk, I spend so much energy at school, don’t worry, it’s not you”. So for those of you who don’t get texts back or calls as much as you’d like, they are busy and exhausted as they are supposed to be!
Mine is still in high school and I know, for me, it will feel a lot like falling off of a cliff. And that’s true no matter how thrilled FOR HER I will be. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’ll cope. New hobbies or friendships may distract, but from where I’m standing, it’s hard to feel that they will be anything beyond superficial compared to motherhood. Hope that time proves me wrong.
I think a part of my daughter would like to live at home and commute to the local directional but I feel strongly that she needs to go away and experience life outside of this bubble. Doesn’t change the loss of her daily presence I’ll feel. Life will never be the same.
It’s normal to grieve, as long as we protect our children from the brunt of our grieving, and help them feel free to be happy in their new adventure. Please seek counseling if the grieving becomes overwhelming.
My kids started college quite a few years ago and are further away. I miss them most when I take them to the airport and come back to an empty car.
Otherwise, I’ve adjusted. They are happy and healthy ( the latter not always true, for us, and I value that now) and that is so important.
These days, with Facetime and Skype, we can really keep in touch.
Oh- and that statistic I have read says that 82% of college grads live at home!
I’m a second year empty nester to an only child after being a stay at home mom. No matter how happy and excited you are for them, it’s a big adjustment for us!
I’m actually having a harder time this year than last. D was abroad and then at an internship so we have very little time this summer together and now she has a full course load and is in a show. She’s either in class, studying, or at rehearsal. I get a quick text daily, but I’m used to talking to her every few days. This year I’m lucky to get a call once every 7-10 days. I miss her! I’m actually driving down to have lunch with her Tuesday as I haven’t seen her in 5 weeks and that’s too long for me. Who cares if it means 6 hours + in the car ; )
I find for myself it helps to be busy. We moved right after graduation so I have an old house that is slowly getting renovated that takes a lot of time and attention, I try to walk 5 miles/day, and then work on my writing in the afternoons. Good for me to have a routine.
I was excited for her and did not cry when I dropped her off. I’m also not much of a crier. But I try to visit several times a year. I see her for breaks. And she texts me daily and calls regularly, so I don’t really have time to miss her. 