<p>I'm looking for any constructive criticism that you can give me and things I can change, so if you are willing to, let me know and I can PM it to you ^_^</p>
<p>Thanks so much if you do.</p>
<p>I'll give it a go.</p>
<p>Thanks, PMed :)</p>
<p>Promptly replied on.</p>
<p>Very promptly, and I'm extremely thankful :)</p>
<p>Anyone else willing to give their opinion as well?</p>
<p>I'll read it! Just PM it to me, and I'll get back to you ASAP. :)</p>
<p>Sure, I'll try to help! pm me</p>
<p>Thanks, you two! PMing now. :)</p>
<p>ill read and try and help ya :)</p>
<p>ill read it</p>
<p>i'll take a look</p>
<p>I sent it to a few people before I had to leave earlier. I've done another one though, and if anyone wants to read it for me that would be good too ^_^</p>
<p>ill read that one too.</p>
<p>i hope my help helped last time.</p>
<p>It was definitely helpful, thank you. :)</p>
<p>Send me the second also.</p>
<p>I'll take a look</p>
<p>I'll read and give some feed back( if you still got time to send it to me)</p>
<p>Ok, although I don't have too much experience editing college application essays, I did read several books by Harvard Crimson on successful app. essays. Many times when I read admin. officers' comments on the essays, one distinct message seems to pop up: don't ever fall into the trap of "over describing" the many services you've done to save the world, since you've probably already filled up you common application with an avalanche of community service and volunteering activities, and you certainly don't have to repeat them again in your essay (not to mention that you used almost your entire essay to describe them).</p>
<p>We know how wonderful and helpful and resourceful you are to the world, since 90% of the applicants also did the same thing when describing themselves on entrance essays.
All in all, just keep in mind not to over emphasize your great accomplishments and other wonderful personalities about yourself.</p>
<p>To me, the essay flows coherently, and I like your rather personal tone.</p>
<p>Another improvement would to tell us something "real" about yourself or your daily life. College admin. officers like read about applicants who are just as normal as a common person, not some superficial great philothropist who's going to save the world.
Eg. one harvard applicant wrote about her grandmother's traditional homemade fruit cake. Another wrote about his feelings and experience while taking daily showers. These are simple, everyday topics, yet they can reflect a great deal about a certain aspect of your personality.</p>
<p>That's all I have to say, and also thanks for letting me read that essay. I'm still a junior, yet I still learned quite a bit from your writing. good luck.
Questions, just PM me.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who read through my essays and gave me help, your help was priceless. :)</p>