AP English practice essay

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1

<p>Hi, can you critique my introduction based on the AP scale? I won't post the rest of it because it's too long. My teacher is very critical when it comes to grading essays. I'm not sure if his standards are higher or lower than those of the AP grades because I honestly thought that I would get a better grade than what he gave me. My teacher said that grades of 5 or higher demonstrate a good understanding of the prompt. He gave me a 5/9.<br>
Thanks (:</p>

<p>Throughout his speech, Kennedy employs strong rhetorical diction to rally support from the general public against greedy steel corporations and the rising steel prices which they have caused. He effectively applies rhetorical devices such as parallelism, abstract diction, and pathos to ignite the patriotic spirit and promote the cause against rising steel prices as a common fight. To further strengthen his purpose, Kennedy appeals to a sense of patriotism and collective responsibility to ignite the common American against the “tiny handful of steel executives” and their greedy pursuit for power and profit (17). Through his effective use of rhetorical devices, Kennedy achieves his purpose in uniting the common American against the tiny minority of steel executives.</p>

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<p>It’s impossible to score an essay based solely on the intro–the points are won and lost in the body. </p>

<p>Still, your intro is fine, with a few slip-ups.</p>

<p>First, your opening line establishes that you’ll be analyzing Kennedy’s “rhetorical diction,” but your road map mentions “parallelism, abstract diction, and pathos,” which don’t all fit under the umbrella you’ve established. Second, you frequently use evaluative language (“strong,” “effectively,” “effectively again,” and “achieves his purpose”). Doing so isn’t a torpedo, necessarily, but it’s distracting and not really what the test is asking–after all, who cares whether a random 17-year-old thinks Kennedy’s speech is “effective” or not?</p>

<p>That said, if your body paragraphs follow your road map and fully develop each claim, anchoring every one to textual evidence, there’s no reason this intro can’t be the start of a 7 or 8 essay. Not sure your writing is quite sparkly enough for a 9, but hey, who knows.</p>

<p>(AP Eng teacher here, fwiw)</p>