Agreed that going with the flow is probably the best way to minimize conflict. I’m not saying don’t set expectations - the roommates should all get together at the beginning of the school year and lay down some ground rules for a variety of things (visitors, overnight guests, cleaning schedule, sharing food, sharing clothes and accessories, noise, parties, etc.) But with four roommates, someone’s always going to be doing something, and learning what hills you want to die on is part of keeping your sanity in a shared apartment.
I think that’s the key to the balance - deciding what’s really important for you (and what a person would reasonably expect) and setting boundaries and expectations on that while being less firm/a stickler for things that don’t matter as much. Like leaving dishes in the sink for nights on end attracts bugs and creates smell - but the roommates who don’t think about that always weasel their way out of washing dishes because the other ones who DO care get so tired of the mess they just wash themselves. So being a stickler for staying on the cleaning schedule might be really important for the daughter in this case. But maybe she really likes cooking and doesn’t mind being the one doing the cooking 3-4 nights a week while everyone else splits up the other 3-4, so she lets it pass when they do less.
Also, the line is all in how you communicate. Emotions can run high in shared living spaces, especially for people who greatly value their personal space. So basically, the idea is that you address any conflicts after you’ve given yourself a moment to calm down. Maybe vent to your mom or a trusted friend who doesn’t live with you first before you talk to the roommates so you have all the high emotions out. Or even role-play some solutions and discussions with someone before trying it out with the roommates. Even small things can sound pretty reasonable if you play it right.
And oh, a hill you always want to die on is rent and utilities, especially if you’re all pooling rent and utilities together (and not in one of those college town setups where you can pay individually). If rent is due all together the landlord isn’t going to care for 3/4 of the rent, so if you have one roommate who is chronically late or never pays that ends in the rest of you having to cover her share and be out money. Plus late fees! So in the early roommate discussion you definitely want to set some ground rules for how to pay rent and utilities and make sure everyone adheres to that.
My daughter and one of the other three have lived together this year in a quad with two others who are seeking other living alternatives next year. The two students joining my daughter and current roommate have been friends with them all year. They have already met a few times to discuss potential issues. Fortunately it is a residence hall that is all small apartments, two single rooms and a double, with a shared bathroom, kitchen and living room. Each roommate pays the school for the year like other dormitories, so there won’t be issues with sharing the rent, utilities, paying on time, etc.
I agree, going with the flow, and communication are key. My daughter is very excited about this next step. We will do the smallest commuter meal plan for her, and can afford to go bigger if needed. We will adjust the weekly grocery budget as we see how it turns out. Thanks again everyone for your input.
It’s good to keep most of it separate, there will ALWAYS be one jerk who takes more than they paid for. It’s true with social security and it’s true with a refrigerator.
One must be willing to somewhat go with the flow…but if you don’t talk at all and make no guidelines then you will be taken advantage of. I would start off more restrictive and then be more willing to share as time goes on. More difficult to do it the other way.
Great idea @bopper. I am glad that they already had a couple meetings to talk about these plans before making the choice to request the apartment style dorm versus the one with suites that don’t have kitchens and require a meal plan.
I’d suggest making a spreadsheet for your daughter’s grocery budget. And as a lot of others have said, she’s going to have to double the $30 weekly budget. I think the best way to get your bang for your buck is to shop at discount stores for cleaning supplies, hand soap, condiments, and non-perishable snacks. Dollar Tree is a great place to get most, if not all of the things I have listed above if you live near one. You could also buy the products in bulk on their website which is actually pretty cost effective in the long run.
As for the her food budget, check out which grocery stores are having sales and specials so she can plan her meals around what is on sale. Coupons are also helpful. You should tell her to check out an app called Ibotta. It gives you rebates to almost anything you purchase and once you’ve racked up enough of them, she can use the rebates as cash or in the form of a gift card to places like Starbucks, Sephora, Best-Buy, etc.
When it comes to toiletry items, I think having each roommate on a rotating schedule would be perfect and if a roommate wants a certain item, they will have to buy it themselves.