<p>Hello, I am planning on applying to U Penn Early decision. I was hoping someone would be able to critique my essays and tell me if they are UPenn caliber or not. Thanks in anticipation!</p>
<p>Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum). </p>
<p>What angers me more than anything is the indifference in my school. Students simply do not seem to care for school, and those who do care are constantly ridiculed and derided. Since I am one of the select few students who do care for school, joining Quiz Bowl was no salvation.
In my school, Quiz Bowl is not exactly the cool club. For some reason that I cannot comprehend, intelligence is revolting and apathy is desirable in my schools society. In this aspect, I am a social oddity. I have gone against the societal norm in my school environment by joining Quiz Bowl, known more popularly as the nerd club. I went to the first practice of the year as the lowermost ranked member to start. By the end of the practice I had secured myself a varsity spot on the team. Once I had joined, many of my friends followed my precedent and also mustered the courage to join. Now we have the largest Quiz Bowl team in our schools history and last year we reached the semifinals of our league playoffs for the first time. For me, Quiz Bowl is much more than just a trivia club; it is the only place where I can express my passion. Quiz Bowl is somewhere that I can finally display my intelligence without being scorned by my peers.</p>
<p>EDIT: I used characters without spaces as my guidelines but Commonapp uses with spaces so here is my edited essay that fits size requirements:</p>
<p>What angers me more than anything is the indifference in my school. Students simply do not seem to care for school, and those who do care are constantly ridiculed and scorned. Since I am one of the select few students who do care for school, joining Quiz Bowl was no salvation.
Quiz Bowl is not exactly the “cool” club in school. For some inane and inexplicable reason, intelligence is revolting and apathy is desirable in my school’s society. In this aspect, I am a social oddity. I have gone against the societal norm in my school environment by joining Quiz Bowl, known commonly as the “nerd” club. I started the first practice of year as the lowermost ranked member, but by the end I had secured a varsity spot on the team. Many of my friends followed my precedent and also mustered the courage to join. For me, Quiz Bowl is much more than just a trivia club; it is the one and only place where I can express my love of learning and display my intelligence without being scorned by my peers.</p>
<p>I don’t usually comment on essays, but in moving this thread I noticed the beginning sentence and read further.</p>
<p>I would not recommend sending such a negative essay. You sound mad, defensive and more concerned with what others think of you and Quiz Bowl than with what you personally get out of participating, which is what your essay should be about.</p>
<p>entomom,
I didn’t think it was negative, i was just trying to emphasize self-determination and perseverance in the face of adversity. Don’t you think they may be impressed that i joined quiz bowl even though it had a negative connotation in my school?</p>
<p>I agree with entomom. Look at the negative words you use. Angers, indifference, ridiculed, derided, revolting, apathy, oddity, nerd, scorned. You make yourself look more an angry misfit than courageous intellectual. What do you love about this activity? Show us your enthusiasm and tell us how participation in Quiz Bowl enriches your life beyond being a way of thumbing your nose at the unwashed masses.</p>
<p>It seems you all are getting too defensive, i dint mean to attack you entomom or anyone, i was just wondering why it was wrong to seem angered? I read a professors tips on application essay and he said to tell them what ticks you off, thats the only reason i chose to write with the tone i did. </p>
<p>Coolpillow,
I thinks its actually supposed to be sentimental rather than factual, hence the name “personal” essay. Factual wouldn’t define an individual whereas sentimental shows personality.</p>
<p>For the essay short, you’re supposed to elaborate on an extracurricular, and by elaborate they mean explain and reflect on how it shapes your character. I like how you run with the idea saying that you’re a social oddity and somewhat of an underdog (saying that you were the lowest ranked member).</p>
<p>I have to agree with everyone though, saying that you come off a bit angry. If you want your tone to be like that, by all means go ahead and do it - in the end, its your essay. </p>
<p>But if you don’t, maybe start off something like,</p>
<p>“In the midst of a student body quick to belittle someone who went against the norm, most students would be hesitant to join the Quiz Bowl Team…” and then go on to how you have a proclivity for expanding your mind or something like that to show your passion…</p>
<p>The extracurricular short isn’t going to make or break you for Penn. I mean, you can’t just be like “I write for the school newspaper and it is fun” and expect that to be your essay. But if you describe and reflect, it should be sufficient for Penn.</p>
<p>Prompt says: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).</p>
<p>I detailed my role in this one program that I’ve been involved in (it took 1000 characters to lay out everything…) Should I necessarily tell them how it impacted me, etc.??</p>
<p>But I thought it’d be better to be as objective as possible. I guess I will throw in a couple sentences to show why this activity was so meaningful. Thank you</p>
<p>Your writing is pretentious and unnecessarily wordy, and you sound too much like you have a persecution complex. Unless there’s more to this story, joining quiz bowl isn’t iconoclastic and being called a nerd isn’t adversity.</p>