<p>Just as the title says, I was wondering if many people are applying & hoping to get into the same grad school as their other half? Do you get competitive? What are your back up plans if only one gets in?</p>
<p>It certainly is twice more nerve wrecking from my point of view!</p>
<p>Also, are you planning on having a child during your graduate studies? Which universities are best for families?
I could find very little info on most websites, and I would never dare asking! ;p</p>
<p>My girlfriend and I are applying to a few of the same graduate schools and a few that are different. </p>
<p>We both decided that we are going to do what is best for our future careers first. I don’t think its a good idea to go to a school a person hates just because their boyfriend/girlfriend goes there. </p>
<p>That said, I have no idea what the next few months will bring. It’s somewhat comforting to know others go through this same altercation :P</p>
<p>I would think twice…or maybe five times…about having a child in grad school. I’ve been working with one couple who are past that stage, professor and post-doc researcher, who have a small child and they’re exhausted all the time. </p>
<p>As for the first question, too many variables. Depends upon if one is willing to sacrifice career and professional development for the other. Long-distance relationships aren’t a great option though some people do make them work. I know of one couple where one is going for a PhD, one has acquired a Masters in the same field and is now getting a Masters in Education so that she can teach teachers. The “lower” career is fine with her and it’s actually an eminently transportable job that will allow her to easily move to wherever her husband moves to whenever.</p>
<p>I know that from an academic recruiting perspective, it’s a headache for colleges and universities when they have to try to find jobs for the “trailing spouse.” Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t even try and then the couple has a stressful decision to make.</p>
<p>I know a couple of grad students who have had children during graduate school and I think about it quite a bit. Some arguments for- virtually guaranteed income for a couple of years, flexibility in working from home/taking time off, universities have terrific family benefits (eg. on campus daycare), generous maternity leave policies, no administrative responsibilities yet. However, I can’t get past the prospect of trying to care for a child on the salary of a grad student + pay for childcare. I don’t want to get a dog during grad school because I am not around enough to give it enough attention, I would be afraid of the same sort of thing with a small human.</p>
<p>The problem is that there’s really no good point in an academic career to have children. My feeling is that grad school is as bad a time as any.</p>
<p>I personally know a few PhD students who have children. Just remember that there are resources available to you such as family housing units (which I live in) and daycare. You might even be eligible to have daycare subsidized. Just check with your university.</p>
<p>You and your spouse just have to balance each other’s responsibilities. It isn’t easy but it’s totally doable! Good luck! :)</p>
<p>The universities I applied to offer at least 12 weeks paid maternity leave and one year of lighter workloads to “birth mothers”. Even the dad can take some kind of paternity leave! I think these places are the exceptions though.
If I had a choice I would probably wait to have a child, unfortunately it is more a matter of soon or potentially never for us…</p>
<p>My fiancee is on his way to be a chartered engineer, and could land a high paid job anywhere BUT the USA. We’re from the UK, and we do not have much hope to find him a work visa since it seems such an incredibly difficult and opaque process. </p>
<p>A student visa is our best shot to stay together, but I guess it makes me the “lower career” partner being the willing PhD student lol! I am actually the one who cannot face becoming a school teacher married to a “salary man” at the moment. Then again choices may have to be made soon. It most definitely is the most stressful time of my life yet! </p>
<p>Belevitt: the dog/small human comment made me laugh really hard :p</p>
You can imagine how being a fifth-year PhD student gives one extra darkness and snarkiness, particularly when one happens to hail from the Midwest and one’s high school friends are all having adorable, cuddly babies this Christmas.</p>
<p>if you are interested in having a kid in grad school (and know that coming in) you should see what the resources available are. I know that at my university, while they offer pretty generous leave policies for both the mother and the father, it is monetarily extremely difficult to have a child. The (subsidized) daycare is very hard to get into— even many professors cannot get their children in. The waiting list for grad students is something like 5 years. Unsubsidized daycare costs are the same or greater than a grad student stipend-- plus you need money to live on. So I would make sure that you will have access to all the things that they advertise-- just because they say that they have a daycare on campus does not mean that you, as a grad student and low on the totem pole, will be able to get your child into it.</p>
<p>edited to add-- While I wouldn’t talk to professors about it- you should ask around to the grad students. Some schools skew older/more settled, which might be good peers if you are interested in having children soon. Very few grad students in my program are married, and even fewer have children. At other schools the reverse is true.</p>
<p>BTW, the “trailing spouse” problem is ALWAYS a problem. </p>
<p>There really is no good time to have a child, whether you are in academia or not. They are expensive, time-consuming, exhausting . . . and profoundly rewarding to raise. Probably the worst time to start a baby is early on the tenure track; while most universities will now allow a parent an extra year in the promotion schedule to acquire the necessary research and publications, it is still very difficult. I’ve watched several women in recent years struggle with this. Children naturally divide your attention, and you have to be really determined to return to your career with the same rigor and vigor you had before parenthood. I’ve known two women in the past year who were granted tenure – and both immediately became pregnant. But it doesn’t always work that smoothly. It’s also a long time to wait, especially if you didn’t start graduate school right after undergraduate.</p>
<p>If you want to start a family soon, probably the best time is after your course work is completed and while you are researching/writing your dissertation. While it won’t be easy, your schedule will be slightly more flexible (think of a sick kid – you can’t take him to day care) than it will once your career is launched.</p>
<p>I agree with MWFN regarding having and raising kids. There really is no “good” time, but they are worth the inconvenience! I had my kids before and during med school, and ended up not completing my residency. Now, they are much older (college), and I am applying to grad school Do I wish I were younger? Of course. I worry that I won’t get in anywhere due to my lack of “real” work/research experience. I’m hoping I can restart a career, but it definitely feels like an uphill battle. I would recommend that if you do have kids, you make sure you have a lot of support. And if you do decide to stay home, try not to become completely disconnected from whatever you were doing before. It’s really tough trying to get back in to things.</p>
<p>I just felt the need to chime in on a few issue because I think I have a unique perspective. First, watching grad students go through pregnancy and mothering young children, I can tell you that quite often it is not the university that determines how difficult/flexible your life will be. It’s more often based a lot on the individual department and how the people in them feel about the issue.</p>
<p>Second, to the issue of raising children on a grad student budget…I am an undergrad with four children. If you want it badly enough, it can be done. A grad student’s stipend is quite often much higher than the living expenses allocated to an undergrad and with careful planning and lifestyle choices I am doing just fine. I see absolutely no reason you couldn’t afford a baby during grad school unless you wanted to live without compromise.</p>
<p>Thank you so much! Your answer has really brighten my day! :)</p>
<p>I see what you mean about everything being down to the department and its people. Counter-intuitively, the departments with the least women seem to be the ones offering the most help with children and parenthood (probably to improve their poor completion rates for women).</p>
<p>I was worried because I am not entirely sure of the cost of life with children in the USA, but my parents raised me and my brother with less than $40,000 per year. Even with only two graduate stipends we’d be earning more than that… I also doubt most households in the USA earn much over $60,000 per year with free health care!
I guess it all depends on what standards of living one assumes are needed.</p>
<p>How do you do with regards to childcare with 4 children? Is it on campus? Do you mind telling which university you attend? And congratulations on doing so well with your family!</p>
<p>MM, by being on a PhD track, you are far separated from your high school friends in multiple dimensions. Not putting them down, but the rarefied air and less traveled path you’re on brings some loneliness with it. It’s a seldom talked about facet of the ruthlessness…perhaps “discipline” is the more commonly used word…required to go that route. </p>
<p>MWFN, so true about the costs and rewards. The best part of my life. Becoming a parent makes getting married look trivial in comparison…and getting married (and doing it well) is actually a significant accomplishment all on its own. (Cough. I was told that I get a B+ as a husband. I’m taking that grade and running, wouldn’t dream of trying to appeal.)</p>
<p>Childcare sometimes needs to be creative. I’m fortunate enough to have a supportive spouse and family, so we take turns. Also, my oldest two are old enough to help out some with the others. Since you’ll most likely be away from your support system maybe you could try to form a graduate co-op where grad school parents each chip in time while other parents are in classes. Also, a lot of schools offer an extra grant to help with childcare.</p>
<p>I attend University of Michigan. I’ve found some departments there to be wonderful and supportive of missed classes, etc due to family emergencies, and others to be completely intolerant.</p>
<p>Do you mind if I ask what field you are in?</p>
<p>I’ve heard many academic say that graduate school (particularly the dissertation phase) is the best time to have a child. If you are planning on academic careers, your choices are 1. grad school, 2. during a post-doc if you do one (I’ve heard this also works okay, although your main concern is pushing out papers and research but you usually don’t have any teaching or service duties), 3. on the tenure track (which I’ve heard is a bad idea) or 4. once you’ve already gotten tenure. If you are 22 when you graduate college and even if you go straight from college to a 5-year PhD program to a 1-year postdoc and then a 6 year tenure clock, you’ll be 34 when you get tenure, which may be older than you’d like to have kids.</p>
<p>I’ve also heard the same wisdom as molliebatmit - that there’s no good time to have children but that if you really want them, you’ll make the necessary sacrifices to balance family life and work life. I know quite a few doctoral students in my program who have children (particularly because one of my fields is one which is female-dominated and in which people tend to earn master’s degrees and work experience before they get the PhD) and they seem to manage fine, although it does tend to extend their time to degree. My department also seems to be pretty tolerant of people having children during grad school, although my advisor did stop just short of begging me to at least wait until I was done with my classwork (it was hilarious. I have no intentions of having children this side of the PhD, but he mentions it in a cautious way every so often. LOL!)</p>
<p>Personally, I do not plan to have children during graduate school, but I also do not plan to remain in academia once I finish my PhD.</p>