Are these phrases too informal?

College Essays
1

<p>I had essay proofed by a relative and that person thinks a few phrases are too informal. That person is a businessman who corresponds everyday in formal e-mails so I'm inclined to believe that person.
I just want to make sure because these phrases are part of my voice. </p>

<p>"The players huff and puff as they work in an intense game."</p>

<p>"Even thought at times I didn't like it one bit, his training helped me succeed in life."</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>Edit: Another question: Does the "5 paragraph structure" bode well with admissions officers? Does it even matter? I know in the SAT the readers like that; I also know in the AP English exam that the readers HATE it.</p>

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<p>They aren't necessarily too informal. However, 'huff and puff' is a definite cliche which should be avoided at all costs and the phrase "I didn't like it one bit" is also very weak.</p>