<p>Frankly, though I was stunned by the remediation comment, I was completely floored by this latest. My friend has two older children who went to Ivies, and her youngest is likely to follow suit since she is also a top student with good EC’s. Also, her strengths are in different realms than my D’s. So I mistakenly believed this woman was safe and would have no cause for jealousy. I guess I was wrong!</p>
<p>She claims my D will need remedial math because D did not take AP calculus, just regular calc (the horror!), and most of the students at HYPS will have taken AP Calc in high school. D is taking AP Stat, though. My thought is that this is one area where her D trumps mine? As for the comments on D’s prospective school, it was really strange and so obviously the product of jealousy because this is not a school about which you ever hear concerns about safety. I have no doubt that this is subconscious, and my friend probably believes she is being helpful. My guess is that she must be worried that youngest D will not have good admissions results, and resents my D’s athletic recruitment?</p>
<p>I would smile politely and dont tell her another thing… While a lot of kids might take AP Calc AB, (and some will have taken AP BC as well). Non-AP does not a remedial student make. Any chance there is legacy involved in all her Ivy admitted kids? Or are these kids all going to the same school. It all just sounds a little passive aggressive to me. Please don’t invite her to post on CC!</p>
<p>POIH said: “No two human are same and the natural instinct or characteristics will be different from person to person. So there will be difference between their natural capabilities which are defined by genes but comes from nurturing also.”</p>
<p>of course that’s true . . . which doesn’t speak to Pinker’s thesis that propensities toward many behaviors have a strong genetic basis, much more than we believe, and the parental nurturing you talk about plays much less a role than we think</p>
<p>as with virtually all things in life, it’s not WHETHER there are impacts or not, it’s HOW STRONG those impacts are . . . from genes, the child’s unique environment and the parents</p>
<p>if you are curious about learning more about the scientific research underpinning Pinker’s thesis, you might try checking his book out from the library and reading it. It may change your mind. </p>
<p>“If they grow into adults who are happy, able to take care of themselves, and have strong bonds with other people in their life, how or why should I ask for anything more?”</p>
<p>Amen to that, starbright. Thank you for a most thoughtful post.</p>
<p>I must say, I find that we are extremely fortunate, our kids have been an absolute pleasure to be around. Even their occasional cantankerousness tends to be entertaining. Next year is the empty nest, we are not looking forward to it.</p>
<p>re the nature/nurture debate I am the mom of identical twins: same genetic makeup and as close to the the same socialization as two humans can have particularly in their pre school life. They are exceedingly similar in many ways yet their personalities have been different since birth and as near as I can tell even before. </p>
<p>I figured that there is something divine breathed into them. I believe by God but you can choose for yourself who put it there. But it is their essence and it can’t be explained by either the biological or the sociological argument.</p>
<p>historymom: I love that empirical (though anecdotal) evidence for the self (or some say soul.) Warms my heart. Even more when I contemplate the two young ladies referred to.</p>
<p>As a parent with four kids, all of whom are very different in everyway I have come to realize that I have had to treat every child differently. You can not be the parent of more than one child and honestly say that each child was raised the same.</p>
<p>Our first son (very bright) required alot of effort to keep him stimulated. He was very good at entertaining himself but when a kid is doing things that other kids his age are not yet thinking about, the parents have a responsibility to insure that child is getting what he/she needs.
Our second and third sons who are twins, were also very bright. However one son became ill as a young child. As a result of this I found myself doing alot of academic instruction at home so he would not fall behind. All of the kids benefited from this because we set it up at the kitchen table. The three older kids learned a very important skill (time management) that for some reason child number four did not seem to get.</p>
<p>Child #4 the youngest talked, walked and seemed like she was going to be the most interested in learning. She sailed through school and was an early admit to kindergarten. I now believe that by the time we had our forth child (all born within three years of each other we were probably getting a bit tired. I was not as focused on giving her the same amount of attention that I gave the others. I always ask myself if this is why daughter has had some difficulties within the past two years.
I do believe we treat each child differently but we do not love them differently. We give what we could to each and situations and conditions at the time play into these factors. I am proud of our children but they are not perfect. I was accused of being self depricating and I so resent that statement. If I say this child is a slob or that child would not remember where he put something that he just put down 5 minutes before, that is an honest statement that they are annoying to at times. Are these things terrible, of course not, but it does not mean when 6 people live in a house these quirks don’t get on my nerves. So Olive your post (#41) I believe, was rediculus. If you think just because a kid makes it to a great school, that than they should be excused for the stupid things they do than you have no idea about raising multiple kids, especially four of them in three years. I found your post to be rather stiff and judgemental. You do not know me and I am offended that you have such a stiff collar that you could not understand humor. As I said earlier lighten up…life really is too short.</p>
<p>What’s that wise old anecdote momma-three?: Something about a mother who had raised a whole passel of kids being asked which she loved the most; anyway she said “whomever needed the most love at a given time.” I have thought of that many times while trying to juggle the sometimes conflicting needs of my kids. </p>
<p>When one has a fever, another a game and the third a major project due…triage happens.</p>
<p>Regarding nature vs. nurture: My husband truly has an evil twin.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>We have some neighbors whom we used to count as close friends. Everything about their kids was always perfect. Sheer perfection. Then we’d learn facts to the contrary. I can tolerate some kid bragging (two of their three kids realy are terrific kids) but the perpetual facade of perfection made me think they were keeping us at a distance. If a close friend won’t even confide in you about the smallest imperfect thing, are they really a close friend?</p>
<p>Back to the original question, a story from a few weeks ago:</p>
<p>D is having a hard time in her AP English class…she doesn’t like to read, the teacher places a huge emphasis on technology which D is not good at, and she detests the teacher. H was talking to another parent about these issues and the parent said that she hadn’t heard anything negative about the class and that her son was doing fine. H related this story to my D who said, “Of course he’s doing fine. He’s at the top of the class and gets perfect grades.”</p>
<p>What was his mom to say? Was she supposed to lie to my H and say her kid was struggling too? Or should she have said he’s doing great but he still leaves his dirty socks on the floor?</p>
<p>In each area - arts, academics, sports - there are kids at the top of the heap. If you’re talking to a parent about their child’s particular strength, they actually may have no complaints whatsoever. And if a person is only a casual acquaintace, I should not expect the parent to tell me the bad things about their child.</p>
<p>In the situation you referenced, the other parent could have said, “Wow, I’m sorry she is having those problems…that can be a hard class/teacher/etc.” Or “I’ll have to talk to my son and see what it’s like for him in that class!” But the last thing I would say is “Oh, well <em>my</em> son is doing fine.” I think that’s just a very tiny “rub it in your face” comment.</p>
<p>I don’t know what the other parent “should” have said, but I’d have said, “It’s tough to watch your kid struggle with something. I hate when that happens.”</p>
<p>I don’t think we always even have to bring our own kids into the equation. It fosters these wierdnesses, which are really silly, imho.</p>
Probably just so we can join in on the fun. Hate to miss a thing.</p>
</p>