Are your kids FREAKING out?

Parents Forum
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<p>OP Many {{{hugs}}} </p>

<p>I think it is the blindside smackdown surprise that hurts more. My D, 2400 SAT, VAL, etc etc was deferred from her ED school, ultimately rejected and her good friend (almost BFF, not quite) got in. The girl my D had tutored through calc and chem and physics. Tough and stung for most of the year. When they got together Xmas after freshman year, still stung. Now she is doing great and is happy where she is. </p>

<p>But it hurt, even though she said she wasn’t counting on being accepted. It was the sort of public nature of the reject that was hard because everyone was so surprised. Which rubs salt into the wound. </p>

<p>we are here for you! She’ll be fine, really and truly. </p>

<p>And … back on topic … no, it isn’t my S who is freaking out, it is just me! He is a whole different kettle of fish from his sis, so who knows where he might wind up… or indeed where he might even actually FINISH an APPLICATION to. gaaaahhhhhhh</p>

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<p>OP: Ignore any unsympathetic comments. Yes, there is famine and poverty, but that doesn’t ease the disappointment of a young person who has set a goal for herself.</p>

<p>And being a double legacy must make it that much worse for your D because she’s had her entire life to fall in love with Columbia.</p>

<p>I’m with the folks who wondered what Columbia was thinking and that a deferral would have cost them nothing.</p>

<p>That said, a rejection may be kinder in the end with rates of acceptance after deferrals so bleak.</p>

<p>Re Barnard – I’m with Calmom. I completely understand Oldfort’s comments about her D always being reminded of Columbia. </p>

<p>However, those of us with first hand knowledge of the way the schools work know that if one’s D goes to Barnard she DOES go to Columbia.</p>

<p>And lest we start up that hornets’ nest, no not for bragging rights. You can’t go around saying, “My D attends Columbia.” That’s not what I mean.</p>

<p>But my D had a double major. One was on Barnard’s campus and the other on Columbia’s. She spent 60% of her time on West side of Broadway; 40% of her time on the East side. Not really much of a difference.</p>

<p>She went on a field trip to the Supreme Court in a class in which she was the only Barnard student, might have been the only one who applied. I’m not sure. It was taught by a federal judge, and kind of a life changing opportunity though D knew she wanted law school.</p>

<p>If you ask her she’s very proud of Barnard and much prefers it for the experience and as something on her diploma. And her Barnard was graduation was the best graduation I’ve ever attended and very empowering for young women.</p>

<p>So, I am suggesting your D might want to consider it.</p>

<p>This was not meant as a booster for Barnard – just info for the OP and her D.</p>

<p>My S was deferred from his ED choice – Dartmouth. When the Williams’ acceptance came he had a “what was I thinking moment?” He was sooooooo happy that he wasn’t going to Dartmouth, even though we had, not tears, but the boy version. Then on Ivy day he was rejected by Dartmouth but accepted by Brown. Go figure. But by then, he was definitely going to Williams and it has been a wonderful choice for him. I didn’t know how much a small, supportive atmosphere would mean to him.</p>

<p>Hang in there. It will get better. She will be happy again, but she is entitled to lick her wounds and feel hurt and embarrassed. Though she shouldn’t have to.</p>

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<p>I think there are positive things that parents can pick up from this thread:</p>

<p>1) The student is not in isolation with the rejection. There are parents and peers on the roller coaster too. Recognizing that there are several players means we can plan accordingly. </p>

<p>2) We can make words of support to ALL well BEFORE the emails are opened (like a week before). We can take time to specifically role-play how we are going to handle a rejection. If the news is “No”, then our plan is . . . If our team gets an acceptance but BFF doesn’t, the plan is . . . If BFF is in and our team is on the curb, the plan is . . .<br>
Having a plan in place gives us a template to follow while numb.</p>

<p>3) This is a terrific time to share our own past heartbreaks with offspring. Actually, this might be best before the emails arrive. Mine was being left at the altar. But other personal family stories about a miscarriage, an accident, a job loss can help the teen put this situation in context with other life challenges. We’re talking a great disappointment – but no one has lost a limb. For some teens, parents seem so correct, so infalliable, that the teen’s perceived shortcoming registers as letting the whole family down – instead of registering as a bump in life’s road that can be hard but managed. </p>

<p>I am from Olympia. Great town. We sing in a sea shanty group once a month and the old songs about the hardships at sea are always in my mind when I read CC stuff. We are so blessed. We really truly are. We have smart kids with tons of talent. These days being “bound for Australia” means an exciting exchange semester – it no longer means waving good bye to a loved one, knowing you will never see them again . . .</p>

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<p>Olymom: I love sea shanties. I love in seaside village that made boats for the whaling industry and we favor them too.</p>

<p>I bet your group sounds great.</p>

<p>I like your point about Australia except I want to go, and it’s not in the budget. I am not sure my aging hips could take the long plane trip either. Maybe someday I’ll find out.</p>

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<p>Thanks for sharing that. I know the feeling.</p>

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<p>I thank you for your kind words and support. Yes, I know a college rejection isn’t life or death. But it hurts especially because of the capriciousness of it. She poured her heart and soul and probably 100 hours of work into that Columbia application, now nearly useless since every other school is on the Common Ap. Not one comma in the essay was not agonized over 20 times. (This from a kid with an 800 on the writing SAT. She is a GOOD writer.) Yet I see kids with lesser stats were accepted. Why? Racial? Geographic? Left-handed cellist effect? We will never know. Clearly something didn’t ring their bell. And yes, she really wanted to return to NYC. We lived there until she was 5. I still remember pushing her in the stroller across college walk. I’m encouraging her to think about Barnard, but she sees it as the place where the girls who can’t get into Columbia go (not fair to Barnard, I know) and therefore I fear it will not work for her. But girls do have such a disadvantage now, because they are so strong in terms of grades and scores that these places are accepting less qualified boys just to keep the sex ratio near 50:50. So I have no sense that Barnard would be a lesser choice even if it did act as an overflow for these highly qualified girls, but we’ll see what she thinks in a few weeks after the dust settles a little bit.</p>

<p>However, while still sad, she is better today. She and the boyfriend are going to a movie tonight. There’s a martini with my name on it somewhere, too.</p>

<p>Plus, when she got to school today she heard lots of other tales of pain, I think. And of course misery loves company. 1/4 Columbia applicants accepted. Only 3 of 11 for Duke ED accepted. 0 for 2 with Cornell, not including 1 kid going as a crew recruit. So I think she had a lot of company in the disappointment department. At least she knows now and can start to move ahead. Most of her friends won’t hear till Tuesday.</p>

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<p>Mimikat, there is a thread posted today about rejection from Yale. It might be helpful to your D. </p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/yale-university/825457-yale-people-listen-up.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/yale-university/825457-yale-people-listen-up.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Olymom, you are so right. Sharing our failures and rejections can help. I remember my shock at one point when my D suggested that I had never had these. Not so, of course. Plus, I’m totally sure I would never get into Columbia anymore, or anywhere else from the looks of it.</p>

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<p>OP - Sorry to hear your news - but please remember</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Admissions are not all about GPA and SAT stats</p></li>
<li><p>I have always believed that no one should be so hellbent on one school that they become devastated if not admitted. As you will learn, there are plenty of good options for your D where she will thrive. I believe its always a mistake to determine in advance that one school is a child’s dream school and to put so much emphasis on being accepted there</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>

I’m wondering if your daughter over-thought and over-wrote her essay. My daughter’s essays tended to be humorous and light hearted. The “main” essay for the common app schools got heavily edited over time, as it was re-used for different schools with different requirements as to application length, and I think with each rewrite, it lost a little of its charm and verve. </p>

<p>I used to read essays for CC students, and I read some from students applying to Ivies where I was bowled over – I just knew those kids would get in, and they did. But I also read many from students who thought that they had great essays, that simply lacked any sort of spark. I’m thinking your daughter might want another set of eyes to look over her essays.</p>

<p>My daughter’s admission results were surprisingly good – much better than we expected – and I’ve always felt that the light touch to her essays were a help and not a hindrance. Her essays were fun to read- words that probably brought a smile to the face of readers who had become exhausted from slogging through hundreds of earnest essays from teenagers trying too hard to prove their intellectual mettle. </p>

<p>I’d note, however – that the EARLY returns for my d. were not so encouraging - first a deferral from Chicago, then a waitlist from Brandeis with their early-write “blue ribbon” app – and no admissions until word came from some of the UC’s in late March. I was thinking that my daughter’s sparkly personality together with her weak test scores would leave her in the endless limbo of waitlist-land – too intriguing to reject outright, but not nearly good enough to actually admit. Fortunately, those early results turned out not to be at all predictive of the end result.</p>

<p>Have you been able to see copies of the LOR’s that teachers wrote? I’m glad that my kids’ teachers shared theirs – it really helps to know what is being said <em>about</em> the applicant. Again… the letters can be perfectly nice and positive, but if they are lacking in enthusiasm or describe the applicant in prosaic terms, they won’t stand out when other applicants are presenting a sheaf of rave reviews. Plus, seeing those LOR’s might give an indication of what is missing that needs to be expressed in the other parts of the application. </p>

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<p>Oh, I always thought of Columbia as the place where the kids who are too boring for Barnard go. :wink: (Just joking – but if we are going to engage in stereotypes, then Columbia students do suffer under the stereotype of being more nerdy).</p>

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<p>mimikat, unless her essay was all about how Columbia is perfect for her - you should be able to recycle the essay. One choice on the Common Application is write your own prompt. At least one admissions officer (I think it was GW) told us they’d love to get more of those, they get really sick of the other prompts!</p>

<p>My double legacy niece, number three in her class was also rejected from her first choice Ivy. Even the guy who interviewed her was shocked. It’s just really hard to know what those admissions committees will like.</p>

<p>I agree with Calmom, that one thing to do is look at the application with fresh eyes. Is it possible that she picked the wrong teachers to write the recommendations? Might it be helpful to add another outside letter of recommendation? (My son did the latter - he got deferred from his two EA schools and still was ultimately rejected, but was accepted by at least one school supposedly higher in the pecking order, and one that was tops in his field.) He got letters from people he’d done computer science projects with - we saw one of the letters and it was far, far more useful than anything a teacher could have said about him.</p>

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<p>Yeah. Calmom you are right. The essay was super polished, tight, brief and cohesive but no fun at all. It was, not boring exactly, but heavy. My D is super outgoing. Great personality, fun and sweet. The essay was a treatise. It got by her college counselor (who allegedly loved it) but it conveyed nothing of her outgoing personality. It was all heavy and angst-driven. Sheesh. Why didn’t I see this? I think she gave them what she thought they wanted, but it wasn’t so. Crap. </p>

<p>I have been thinking about this so much. I know my opinion is totally suspect, but IMO, my D’s strengths are her outgoing, lively, funny personality. Sure she can get emo at times but mainly she is fun and lively. NOTHING of this came through. It was a class assignment, basically. And as the interviews are useless (one colleague of mine who interviews for Brown said they can only hurt, not help) nothing of her personality came through. It totally annoys me since the kid in her class who got in has, like one tenth the personality of my kid and basically the same scores but I bet he managed to connect in some areas. His mom told me she never even SAW his essay. My DD had us examine it under a microscope 20 times.</p>

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<p>BTW, I think her letters (never saw them) are probably great. We discussed adding another but college counselor advised against it. She will have arts supplement with letter for Common AP (she sings opera) but no more than 1 more letter from arts teacher.</p>

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<p>Please don’t kick yourself – I’m sure there are plenty of students who wrote light, humorous, sparkly essays that also got rejected. (ha, ha). But one of the things I liked about my daughter’s lighter touch is that they really conveyed her personality. But both my kids wrote essays that I felt were risky (for different reasons). I think the best essays are “risk” essays, because it is always something of a risk when a student does something unexpected and outside the norm, but at the same time that is what can set the application apart and make it memorable. </p>

<p>

That’s true of my daughter as well – I was both delighted and horrified at the application she did to Chicago (her first application out of the box). Delighted because the application so strongly reflected her personality – and appalled because my daughter’s funny, lighthearted essay and almost flippant responses to the prompts seemed so at odds with Chicago’s life-of-the-mind reputation. </p>

<p>In that respect, I have something to tell you. My daughter has done very well academically at Barnard, but she has been quite unhappy with the social milieu - and I am talking about the whole Columbia/Barnard community. My outgoing, fun-loving daughter always was surrounded by friends growing up --like other extroverts, she draws her energy from her friendships – but she had a really tough time finding people in the Columbia/Barnard community who appreciated her sense of humor. Academically, she found that she was surrounded by very serious, hardworking, largely pre-professional students – or else students whose idea of fun was heavy drinking at frat parties. Last spring my daughter went abroad to study, with a college-sponsored program that attracted students from many other colleges – and she found a much more compatible group. She had the time of her life. </p>

<p>She seriously considered transferring during her first year but ultimately decided that she was at college for the academics, not her social life – and I think it was the right decision – but it wasn’t easy. </p>

<p>So again – as disappointing as it might be – this may be for the best. Encourage your fun-loving daughter to take a second look at the social environments as well as the academics. If her heart is set on Manhattan, then NYU and its East Village location might be a better fit. (NYU was actually my d’s top choice, but the finances didn’t work out for her there).</p>

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<p>

My daughter was a dancer and submitted a dance resume and DVD with samples of her choreography to both Barnard and Chicago. Even though she had no intention of majoring in or pursuing a career in dance, I think that definitely helped round out her application. I definitely paid attention to which colleges were interested or receptive to submission of supplemental material.</p>

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<p>{{Hugs to OP}} and all who will receive unwelcome news in the next few weeks.</p>

<p>My son just found out he was deferred at an popular OOS state university that was a ‘likely’ for him. 3 of his best friends got in. It wasn’t one that he was ‘dying’ to go to but he was certain he would have no problem getting in. Needless to say, he is upset and is now convinced he has zero shot at his other likely/match and reach schools. I think this was a blow to his confidence more than anything else. He is expecting a EA decision from a high, high reach next week and one from a safety. Unfortunately, the safety isn’t his one of first choices. I’m not looking forward to the next week or so. As they say this, too, shall pass. But it’s still not much fun.</p>

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<p>I agree with Calmom, don’t beat yourself up over an essay. Obviously, most essays fall within a normal distribution curve with few that get an admissions officer running over to the next cube to tell someone ‘you have to read this one’ and few that get an admissions officer to want to reject an applicant there and then. That said, yep, someone needs to write about what interests them to share and not what they think that others want to read. Candidates focus on the essay because it is one of the few things that they think they can control at the time of application - that doesn’t mean it’s worth over-examination simply because of that fact.</p>

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<p>There’s no getting around it, rejection sucks, and this is one of the big early opportunities to experience this first-hand. It particularly sucks when you care, and anyone who goes through the trouble of identifying a clear top preference to apply ED is at least somewhat invested. Being in a social setting of at least some high schools, where everybody knows about it and their egos are inevitably measuring themselves by these results, does not help the situation either.</p>

<p>The good news is, it is difficult to accurately assess fit at this point, since applicants know so little about the reality of the schools or how they will adapt to them. It’s quite easy to get accepted and later find you made the wrong choice. So however painful it seems, this is really not the end of the world, and may even turn out to be a good thing. As you all know.</p>

<p>I wish I could have spared my kids this negative experience. Or all the other ones I myself have endured, some of which undoubtedly await them down the road. This may be somewhat memorable as one of the first such occasions, but for many it will hardly be the last, or the most important.</p>

<p>One must learn to pick oneself up, brush off the clothes and move on. Not an easy skill to develop, but a necessary defense mechanism.</p>

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<p>From the Jerome Kern song: </p>

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<p>The lyrics also work for Tiger Woods methinks. ;)</p>

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<p>My stomach hurts just reading this. I have to say, this very scenario is why I am so leery of my kids applying to the school where they are a double legacy. Rejection would feel so much worse when it was partially “in the family.” Best of luck to your D.</p>