As August draws closer...

Parents Forum
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<p>My mom is losing both of us (we're twins) at the same time. Granted, we will be only 50 miles away, she started crying regularly last May when we officially became seniors... every Holiday, took pictures of us coming out of school with our graduation supplies... and yes, we cry easily about everything too.</p>

<p>Heck, I cry holding my guinea pig thinking about leaving him. I will miss my Harvey boy.</p>

<p>We will leave August 13th to move into the dorms. Mom said the Doctor will be giving her some medication to knock her loopy after she leaves us lol (though, she is serious...) </p>

<p>I'm not sure how often we will come home...I think she wants every weekend, but I'd rather do twice a month. </p>

<p>I HATE how emotional she is, that I do NOT want to see her at our graduation, and especially do not want to see her on move in day lol Of course, I will probably be just I'm hoping her, me, destany, grandma (shes 78 and is like "I cant believe when I walk in your house I wont see you two watching tv on the couch with your laptops. I will never find my way around Valdosta!"), a friend who we met online through a college forum, her parents, and probably her best friend and her parents can go out to eat before everyone leaves...</p>

<p>And I do not want to get mean before I leave in August, and do not plan on it, because that would be devestating to mom. We were going to start college this Summer and she was like "do what you want to do" so we were ready to start this summer when she says one day "please start in the fall...lets do a big family vacation this summer. just stay through the summer and leave in August" so, we will be starting in the fall.</p>

<p>Is there a way to make this easier on her (and us), emotionally? IT was just us girls for several years after several divorces....so that made us all close (including my grandma...she lived in a house right behind ours and when we moved an hour away we decided to bring her up here 2 years later and bought her a house a street over from us) so Grandma will take it rough also...</p>

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<p>One suggestion, FWIW, is that you should each go home once a month, but on different weekends. Mom and grandmom will get some 1:1 time with each of you and will have something to look forward to on the off weekends. Of course, both of you will be home together at the standard breaks.</p>

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<p>nah, we will be coming home together. They have never really had one of us....they always have both of us....and we will keep it that way...unless someone has a lot of studying to do and will be staying on campus for some reason.</p>

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<p>Going home two weekends a month is going to feel like you are missing a lot. The good thing is that 50 miles is really not very far...you can easily go for a Sunday afternoon or a midweek dinner.
Mominva is right that a great way to handle it is to go home separately...it sounds like that's hard for you to picture at this point. I think after you both settle in to your new lives at school, you and your twin will feel more confident about separating.</p>

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<p>each take one weekend a month...do you need to go together? </p>

<p>and your mother will be fine...I know I was more emotional when I was going throught the big M...</p>

<p>and I think it would be better to go back seperately, sometime you wil have to do that, and it will be good for your mom!! </p>

<p>why do you still want to be together all the time?</p>

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<p>Your mother is seeing how much of her life has revolved around you and your sister. Thinking about losing that is devastating to her. Encourage her to get involved in volunteer activities, classes, doing things with friends, etc. She'll need to find something to fill her time.</p>

<p>I've told my husband that when our youngest leaves we'll be getting another dog.</p>

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<p>why do we still want to be together? We were together for 6 months in the womb and are together 95% of our lives now.</p>

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<p>Part of making a successful college transition is making college your new "home" and becoming fully involved in many of the activities on campus. If you come home several weekends a month, you will lose out on milking the richness of campus life. (metaphorically speaking). Get a cell phone and call regularly, but don't commit to coming home so often. Your mom will survive the transition.</p>

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<p>Oh, we have cells lol And we even set her up a myspace and added her to our friends list lol and we are making sure that she has yahoo or msn messenger before we go...</p>

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<p>my Ds have been together basically their whole lives as well- two years apart, yes, but for as long as they remember, they were together</p>

<p>it was important for them and for me that they had separate time. And I enjoy the alone time I had/have with each one, and I bet your mom would as well</p>

<p>I don't know that being together 95% of the time should carry over to college, just something to think about</p>

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<p><3 I am the mom of twins and though they are best buddies and share most of the same activities, there comes a time when gradual separation is healthy. I know from your previous posts that you and your sis are rooming together. That's great but you really ought to consider becoming more involved in you own things. </p>

<p>It is a great idea for you and your sister to plan separate visits home an spend one on one time with your mom and grandma. "just because we always have." isn't really a good reason to continue doing everything together. Freshman year in college is a great time to gradually start the separation process with your sis and arranging separate visits sounds like the perfect way to do that. At some point you will likely begin to have more separate lives. I'm thinking that careers & dating, are things you plan to do separately. If either of you hope to marry one day that is certainly something you would keep just for yourself. It sounds like your mother has treated you more as a matched set than as two individuals. College is a fantastic time to start making your own way and showinging yourself, your mom and the rest of the world that you are more than just "one of the twins."</p>

<p>It will be nice for your mother to have one on one time with you both. I treasure the rare moments I have with just one of my girls. They love it too.</p>

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<p>I can relate to some of your Mom's emotions. My son is a freshman in college this year 7 hours from home. On one of our trips to visit colleges, we had a break, so my husband, son and I headed for the school dining facility to have lunch. We sat down to eat, and it hit me. All at once I started sobbing. I could picture my son in this beautiful place and thriving and maturing as he should, but it still hurt, terribly. I was almost jealous that he was going to have this opportunity that I never had. I also didn't want him to think I could not handle his leaving and laying that on him would be very unfair. </p>

<p>You girls need to assure your Mom that you will visit, when you can. This is your time to thrive, and explore and create and meet new people. Coming home that often would make it hard to experience all that college life has to offer. </p>

<p>Your Mom and Grandma will be fine. It will take time, but in the end you will all find a balance. Happy Graduation.</p>

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<p>Call mom every day or every other day, and IM her (set her up with AIM if you have to). But do NOT plan to go home every weekend or even every other weekend. Once a month should be enough. You will miss out on way too much college fun and comraderie if you do. As hard as this may be for your mom, you only get one shot at college, you need to immerse yourself in the experience and you can't do that if you're constantly going home and coming back. </p>

<p>My son is finishing his frosh year 5 hours away. I miss him but I know he is having a great time and learning and growing as a person. He told me one of his floormates was trying to figure out why everyone else seemed to know more people and have more friends than he did. They told him it's because every weekend he either goes to his girlfriend's college, or she comes to his school - but when she's there they spend all their time together. Missing out on the weekends has clearly impacted this boy's college experience in a noticeably negative way.</p>

<p>Frankly, your mom isn't doing you any favors by creating a big emotional scene with every milestone - or mini-milestone. She needs to get a grip and remember that she had a life before you were born and she will need to have a life after you are gone - to college, or married, or when a job transfers you away from your hometown. I don't want to sound mean, but it's the truth. You should stay close with your mom, and stay in touch with her, but you need to live your own lives and she needs to live hers. (And I say this as a mom who is very involved in her daughter's life and will be at a loss when she leaves in 2 years - but I know its MY problem to handle, not hers).</p>

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<p>AHLT:
You are very sweet to be concerned about your mother, and it is great that you are making sure you do not become one of those insufferable seniors we hear about.</p>

<p>However, your job next year is to continue your journey into adulthood. Your mother's job is to make peace with the changes in her family and the great opportunities her daughters have. </p>

<p>Your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. You are responsible for being respectful and considerate, but you cannot allow yourself to be placed in the position of subjugating your growth the your mom's emotional needs.</p>

<p>So, continue to be the loving daughter you are, and also grasp the many opportunities that you will encounter at school next year. This will be much easier if your mother manages to tone down her neediness. But, if she cannot, for your own emotional, social, and academic well being, you may need to gently draw the line yourself.</p>

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<p>I got so caught up in the twin thing I didn't remember to address the mom thing. I agree with everyone. Mothers who depend upon their children for their happiness can permanenently damage their relationships with their children or end up damaging their children's adult relationships with others. She will be fine but she needs you to gently guide her in the right direction. Make no promises about returning home on a set schedule. Keep in touch but stay the course at becoming the adult you; independent of both your mom and your sis.</p>

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<p>When I think about my oldest child, my only daughter, leaving for college this fall, I feel sad, but then I think about people whose kids are serving in Iraq or Afghanistan and I feel guilty about stressing out about next year (I will miss her so much, what dorm will she live in? will she have enough food on the smallest meal plan? will she get into the classes she needs? will I hear from her often enough? will she make some nice friends there? stress, obsess, stress, obsess, and it's only April...)</p>

<p>I'll help her move into the dorm in August and then we'll probably visit her in early October and then she'll probably come home at Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. I am giving myself a pep talk that I can do get through "graduation and off to college" without too many tears. Your mom will get through it too. </p>

<p>When you start college, it would be nice if you and your sister could both keep in touch every day for a while - just a text message or an IM or an email, I'm not saying you have to call her every day if you are busy - some kids call home a lot, others less often. (I'm hoping to hear from my daughter quite a bit for the first few weeks; I really want to be reassured that she's all right. I'm sure your mom will want this, too.)</p>

<p>Good luck. And seriously, don't go home on too many weekends; you need to immerse yourself in the college experience. Help your mom by letting her know a bit about what you are doing on those weekends that you spend on campus, so she sees they are an important part of your new life as a college student. Planning to go home every weekend - that is just too much.</p>

<p>My sister's daughter went to college 80 miles away and they told each other that if they wanted to see each other and it wasn't a good time for a weekend visit, they would meet for coffee halfway in between. They never actually did it, but it reassured them both, to know that it was an option. Maybe you can come up with some back up plans for face time - can Mom and Grandma come and take you out to Sunday brunch sometime?</p>

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<p>this is grea advice ^^^</p>

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<p>Be sure to include your mother in your rites of passage- graduation and dorm move in day. Do NOT promise to make phone calls, visit home, e-mail on any sort of schedule. Plan to call/e-mail once a week and return home for breaks. Especially first semester you should be spending your time on campus weekends and evenings without parents. Your mother will make the adjustment, and do it better if she isn't planning her life around frequent promised calls and visits. You hopefully will learn to separate from your twin as well. Once you get to college you will understand why you should never make promises to contact parents at specific times, you will either forget or interrupt activities. If your mother sends too many e-mails and such do not feel as if you need to respond to every one, once a week is often enough unless information is needed. I speak as a member of the mother of sons club- one sided conversations via e-mail and voice mail seem to be the rule...</p>

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<p>oh and if your cell phones don't have picture service, try to get it before you leave home. That way you can send quick pix that will help her to feel like she is there.</p>

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<p>i guess I am as much concerned about the twins as the mom...to room together I just don't understand</p>