Asian parents when his/her child is admitted to Ivy League

Applying to College
1

For those Asian students that got into the Ivy League, can you tell me your parents’ reaction? Were they happy with it? Did they stop yelling at you? Did they stop hating you? Did they stop comparing you with someone else?

I’m currently a junior right now and no matter what I do, they seem to not be happy with it. If I do well on a test, they don’t feel proud. When I scored high on the SAT, they aren’t happy. In addition, I keep getting yelled at for not having good enough grades according to their standards.

So I am wondering will getting into the Ivy League end all their anger? Will they stop thinking that I am stupid? Will they start loving me like they once did when I was younger?

2

Hugs. Have you told your parents how they are making you feel?

3

Your parents have very high expectations of you and probably have an unrealistic view of how American college admissions works.

That’s a tough combination for you. But to answer your questions, they probably love you already but have a hard time expressing it and no, gaining acceptance to an elite college won’t make them relax.

4

Give them the article showing that most of the CEO’s in the USA did not go to Ivy league schools. Ivy league is increasingly difficult to get into, even with perfect grades, test scores, and lots of activities. You can do fine from any college. If they live here in the USA, they need to understand that is how it works here.

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5

@VickiSoCal lol no I’m scared.

6

@sherpa I know they love me but I wish they can express it the “white” way. If getting into a top school won’t make asian parents relax, is there anything I can do to make them relax besides getting perfect grades?

7

I have Asian parents and they’d rather not have me go to Ivies, knowing the effort spent to get in probably isn’t worth it, and I might not be happy there. They will (for the most part) support where I want to go. If I do well on a test, they are happy. I have a B average in Calc right now and they are accepting that and not going stereotypical Asian screamo mode on me.

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@squ1rrel That’s great to hear. When I have kids that’s how I want to treat them. I will wish them the best and push them hard in whatever they want. Whether it’s getting into top schools or becoming a pro athlete, I will encourage them to pursue their dreams.

9

This is a tough situation to be in. Hopefully a few more people who have been in your situation will chime in and give you some moral support. Your parents’ angst makes sense in the cultural context that they come from. It really is nearly impossoble for them to shake that. Do they have any people they know who have been here longer and whose kids have turned out fine with a not-famous-U education? Someone like that might give them confidence that there are many pathways to success.

10

Most Asian and other high school students who go to college do not go to Ivy League schools.

If they will disown you if you do not get into any college they approve of, you need to make plans that do not require their support.

11

I hope that this isn’t a serious post. And this is from an Asian parent whose kid is at WashU. Mom wanted Cornell, but the son didn’t apply.

Looks like your parents are going to be mad if you don’t get into an Ivy or Berkeley. I agree with @ucbalumnus. Ignore them and do your own thing so to speak.

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@Hamurtle @ucbalumnus I don’t think they will disown me. They said they will keep treating me like this until the day of college admission. I just don’t know how they will act if I ended up getting rejected by all.

13

Be sure to apply to some matches and safeties no matter what they say. In less than a year, you’ll be done with acceptances.

14

((Hugs.)) Where you go to school will not define who you are. Your job will not define who you are. Your parents will not define who you are. Unfortunately, if they are immigrants, these top colleges are the only schools they’ve heard of while they were overseas. And they believe (because someone told them) that going to a top college will spare their child from ever being poor. So in a sick and twisted way, they’re trying to show you love. I know… ugh!

That toxic behavior (e.g. yelling, comparing, withholding praise) is cultural / something people pass down from one generation to the next. It’s difficult for your parents to say, “I love you,” or “Good job,” when they’ve never heard it from their parents. You can’t choose how they’ll act, and you shouldn’t wait for an attaboy/attagirl. Their emotional bucket is so empty, there is nothing to give. But you can choose how you respond. It will take many many tries but if you sincerely do and say these for a while, you could lead them down a different path (it’s almost like you’re having to parent them emotionally, and fill their bucket). A year from now, they might even reciprocate and say “I love you.”

You can choose to love on them:

 Mom/Dad, let me do the dishes. I love you.

 Mom/Dad, don't forget the umbrella... it's supposed to rain today.  I love you. (You could even leave a note.)

 Mom/Dad... You look nice.  Let me take a selfie with you.  (click.)  I'll text this photo to you.  I love you.

You can choose to get to know them:

 Mom/Dad... When you were a kid, what did you do with your friends? 

 Mom/Dad... Who is your favorite athlete / singer? / what is your favorite...?

You can choose to appreciate them:

 Mom/Dad, that meal was so good. Thank you; I appreciate you. 

 Mom/Dad... You're funny.  I'm going to write that down so I don't forget what you said.

 Mom/Dad... it must've been scary moving to another country.  Thank you for all your sacrifice.  I love you and I'm so proud of you.

And when you feel angry or sad, I want you to breathe… and I hope you remember… you are good… and you are more than enough… because God loves you and created you, and God says you are a masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).

15

Tell your parents you are really stressed out. You can’t sleep at night and you can’t focus because of all the pressure. My nephew told his parents that and they backed off after that.

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16

I know how you feel; trust me. You’ll understand that when you grow up, they only mean the best for you, and I think I’ve come to terms with that pretty early. Once they know you’ve realized this, they might just sit back a little as my parents.

I mean, MIT and Stanford isn’t an Ivy :stuck_out_tongue:

P.S I’m assuming your parents have a similar “doctor/medicine/engineer” future for you too. Let them know that undergraduate really doesn’t matter as much and that a school like Case Western, the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign, and other non-ivy schools will provide just as good an education in those fields as the Ivies.

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@oldfort Lol I’m not stressed. I’m just annoyed by all the yelling. I’m totally ok not getting into the Ivy League or top school although I would love to get into one of them.

18

This thread just makes me painfully sad and epitomizes what is wrong with college admissions these days.

As we used to say around here, your parents should learn to “love the kid on the couch”.

19

ReadySetGo I just love all of your suggestions. Love-bombing your parents is an awesome tactic to try. I think this advice should not just be reserved for Asian offspring of demanding parents! What parent would not appreciate this? Like a gratitude journal, I think this could improve the attitude of the student as well as the parents and have a positive effect on the whole family atmosphere.

My parents are gone now, but I would love to go back in time and love bomb them some more.

20

ReadySetGo I just love all of your suggestions. Love-bombing your parents is an awesome tactic to try. I think this advice should not just be reserved for Asian offspring of demanding parents! What parent would not appreciate this? Like a gratitude journal, I think this could improve the attitude of the student as well as the parents and have a positive effect on the whole family atmosphere.

My parents are gone now, but I would love to go back in time and lovebomb them one more time