That is the question…Better to hope for the social benefits that come with a roommate, or the benefits of having a space of one’s own (if you have the choice)???
We’d appreciate hearing opinions from parents/students/RAs, etc.
Thanks!
Well, as I have found out after my daughter had a difficult roommate situation, everyone you know seems to have a bad roommate story. lol! Is it worth risking? It takes good communication skills and the ability to compromise to make most roommate situations work. Does your kid have the necessary skills to bring to the table? If your answer is “yes” to both of these questions, then go for it.
It depends where on the spectrum someone is. At the extreme end of the spectrum, an Aspergers person may have difficult co-existing and living with others. At the closer to normal end of the ASD range, the built in social interaction to having roommates can be beneficial.
It’s a hard choice. S is attending a small LAC. Really enjoys the company of others but has some habits that might be annoying to a roommate (although that is probably true of most people?) Definitely not a big party-er and will want to go to sleep by midnight, etc. I think back to my roommate days. My freshman roommate and I got along great in the beginning and then drifted in different directions with interests and friends…hardly saw each other 2nd semester. So not the greatest - but good at the start when it mattered most.
At some schools, there are dorm suites with a combination of single rooms and double/triple rooms. A single in this kind of set up gives you some social interaction with the suite mates but you still have your own space and privacy when you need it. That would seem ideal to me for someone with aspergers as a freshman. While I think the social negotiations of freshman roommates could be theoretically beneficial, I think finding people he has common interests with is more important. If there are orientation programs at the start of the school year, that could be an opportunity to meet some people that could become friends. In many cases, students choose roommates for sophomore and junior years based on the people they meet with common interests freshman year rather than the random people they were thrown together to room with with freshman year. I think your son having this latter experience would be more beneficial, where he is negotiating the daily living with people he has chosen to be with, where there is a lot of upside.
D19 has high functioning Asperger’s. Our plan is for his therapist to write the necessary letter for him to get a single as an accommodation next year. Reading social signals and generally figuring out how to manage being with other people is just harder work for him than it is for NT’s. His therapist does have some concerns about him isolating himself socially, so the therapist is asking for certain commitments from him around leaving his room and spending time with other people. I think the ability to go in his room, shut the door and have it be just his space is what’s going to allow him to leave his room and enjoy making friends and having a social life.
Of course, YCMV.
It really depends on the student and their prior experiences. My oldest son is on the spectrum, but with 4 younger siblings, he generally always shared a room at home with one or more of his brothers. Had he chosen to go away to college, I think he would have been fine with a roommate. OTOH, a kid who has never shared a bedroom may have difficulty, ASD, NT or somewhere in the middle. My friend has had to pay for single rooms for both of her kids (boy and girl) because they never shared a room at home and refused to go away to school if they had to share a room. Neither is on the spectrum but neither would have done well with a roommate.
I like the idea of the suite with a single in it. My S17 is in that type of set-up now. He has a roommate, but two of the four rooms are singles. Those boys need their alone time more than my son and his roommate do. However, they all often interact in the common room and go for meals together or in various permutations. Of course, S17 is pretty well-equipped to deal with a kid who is mildly on the spectrum because of his oldest brother. He was born into life as an ASD family and knows no differently.
A single in a suite sounds like it would have been great - but it’s not an option at my S’s school (and it wasn’t a housing option at any of the eight schools he was admitted to). He can either share a double on the honors hall or we can request a single for him.
He has had his own room at home, but has shared a room at several camps and with his sister for weeks on end during some summers.
I say go for the single. Why add a complication to his freshman year adjustment? My daughter (not on the spectrum) had only horrible roommates and suitemates throughout college. She did so much better in a single where she could close out the world and concentrate on studying and get better quality sleep. Even when she had a good roommate, sleeping is easier when you can completely control your environment the way you like it (temperature, sound level, light level, etc.)
I say go for the single (and hope he can get it).
Ideally, your son would have a kind roommate who would include your son in his social group and enjoy his off-beat sense of humor, while not being put off by his Aspy oddness. But probably that’s not the roommate he’d get, because most potential roommates are not that guy.
It’s better both for your son and for the roommate he would have gotten that your son have a single. Your son has enough on his plate that he doesn’t need to navigate a touchy roommate situation, which is probably what he’d end up with.
A lot depends on availability of singles. Having a roommate means coexisting, not socializing. No need to even talk to one another. Just need to be neat enough (how much so depends on the two), let other person have their half of the space, lights/noise. Your child presumably functions well enough to have thrived in the HS setting and should in the college setting. A room is a place you need to keep your stuff and sleep. Everything else can be done elsewhere if need be. A roommate can be talked to the first week and ground rules for communication be established to be left alone.
The first time my Aspy son went off to college, we didn’t get him a single. It was only one of the many mistakes we made.
I think you have to think about this from the perspective of the roommate, you guys all know your own kid, would you want to share close quarters with him?
I admit, both my kids had pretty poor frosh roommate experiences. My “on the spectrum” kid had trouble communicating what she needed, too, and the roommate ran roughshod over her. I’d like to say it was a learning experience for my kid, but I don’t really think it was. It just added stress to the already stressful adjustment to college. If the single is an option, I’d go for it. I agree that the suite arrangement is really good, my kid had a single in a suite for the last couple years and that was perfect.
If your kid ends up with a roommate, I’ve heard positive stories about Aspie kid’s communicating up front about being Aspie and what it means. Your kid could talk to the roommate the first day, or send an email shortly before move in if that is more comfortable.
Both of the housing options sound reasonable to me. Even if he doesn’t get the single, a double on an honors hall has a better probability of a roommate that is studious, mature, and understanding of your son. He’d be living with one person in a room designed for two, so at least there is some room to breathe. Many schools have triples in rooms meant for two, and when you factor in the immaturity and out of control behavior in the typical dorm (rather than an honors floor), it’s got to be challenging for anyone that needs some predictable alone time and peace. It sounds like you have thought this through and have a couple good options to me. Also, even if the first roommate doesn’t work out fall semester, there is usually some opportunity to change rooms or roommates spring semester with semesters abroad, transfers, and non-returning students freeing up spots here and there.
I would try for a single then see where things go from there. Being in a single does not mean you’re isolated, but it does give you the opportunity for privacy if you need it.
Single makes easing into college life easier for him at a highly stressful time. He will get necessary sleep and be able to withdraw if he needs to but still have a dorm atmosphere to meet people. Communication, boundaries and negotiation are critical skills for roommates and some Aspies tend to have trouble with these executive functioning skills. He may function rooming with a sibling or cousin or family friend but a stranger that is not accommodating may be difficult. For his success go single if you can
My friend needed a single because of all her issues, including Aspergers. The problem was she was in an LLC, and couldn’t have a single on the same floor as the LLC, so she was in the same dorm but on a different floor. That didn’t work out as she really didn’t fit in with the group, and also didn’t fit in with the floor where her room was because she was supposed to be part of the other group. So lots of considerations.
I’d say the suite with a private room would be the best. One of my kids lived in a 4 person suite with each having a private bedroom. She even got the best one, IMO, as it was at the end of the hall away from the kitchen/living room. The did have 4 sharing the double bath. The bigger problem was they were all on the same team so together ALL the time. My daughter joined a sorority so when she was sick of the roommates she’d escape to those friends. Second year she lived with athletes who weren’t on her team and that worked out well (they’d all be gone for weekends and she’d have the whole suite to herself).
Thank you very much for your support. We are hoping that the honors dorm might be a plus for him too. Maybe more students interested in being a little bit quieter late that night, etc. It’s all a gamble but our S is so looking forward to taking this plunge, and we think he’s doing it with his eyes wide open. It will be something to look back on this in 6 months - to see where we are.
Best wishes…