Attempt 1: My Draft Application Essay. Would anyone like to critique?

<p>I finally shifted myself and drafted a college application essay! I'm not sure what to think of it, so since I can't objectively critique it myself, I was wondering if anyone else would like to? I'd appreciate if it was someone who is not in high school, I'm paranoid and wouldn't want to give away trade secrets. =|
Just post here or pm me with your e-mail and I'll send it to you (If you are not in high school!). Many thanks!</p>

<p>I got some pm's, and they were extremely helpful and I am grateful for the help. Anyone else wiling to help a struggling junior?</p>

<p>despite our little debate i'd love to help you with your essay :)</p>

<p>I'd be happy to help out, but it seems as though having a low post count makes you less likely to be trusted. However, if it doesn't bother you, I'd be more than glad to.</p>

<p>That doesn't bother me at all allyscribit, I'll send it to you, thanks for the help.</p>

<p>I'll take a look at it, but heads up...i'm a pretty harsh grader</p>

<p>That's what I need, sending now.</p>

<p>I don't mind either...</p>

<p>Pm me too.....!</p>