Autism Spectrum Disorder, help!!!!!

Parents Forum
1

<p>My oldest son has PDD-NOS. He makes poor judgement. And it is not uncommon for him to do things just to get a rise out of me, still. He does not do it a ton. He is not on drugs or anything. </p>

<p>His SAT scores were 1280 (we are in Texas and none of the schools here consider the writing portion it turns out, so that is just reading and math). It also turns out he never studied. And if he can get his score up by 110 points overall (not including writing) then he can get a fullride to UT Dallas basically. So he is re-taking the SAT.</p>

<p>I asked him to let his old AP English teacher look at his essay before he turns it in on his application. He decided to turn it in anyway, without the English teacher looking. I have asked to see what is going on with his applications, but he says he has it under control. Now he says he wants to just join the air force after graduation. Fine, but I am thinking he won't get in to the air force. He is even too underweight now, let alone his other physical issues. </p>

<p>I am torn on what I should do. If he had no special needs, I would say, sit back, let him fail and then pick up from there. But, he does. So..should I look over everything? He will let me if I say he has to.</p>

<p>Other thing..he is starting to be hostile. This has happened in the past, but there was always an excuse (such as a new adhd med). He made horrible remarks to me about us having more children (I told him he needs to limit his computer time as his eyes were even blood shot from too much computer time, so he accused me of being addicted to having children and was yelling at me that it is because I am a control freak. He used the fact that I took a medication to stop miscarriages when I got pregnant and kept miscarrying, so I could stay pregnant and now have 2 little ones after 9 miscarriages).</p>

<p>He has no job. He goes to school and gets home around 4pm. He is in no extra curriculars. It is hard for high schoolers to have jobs where we live because many businesses will give the teens 30 hrs a week, which makes keeping up in school hard. But I found a couple places that allow for 10-15 hrs and told him he should apply there. He came back telling me that he wants to apply at these other places, places that are known for making kids work 30 hrs a week. I am certain he is saying this just to try to force the issue of not making him work. </p>

<p>What do you suggest? Should I just sit back and let him fail? Or, because he has special needs, should I step in and try to intervene? By intervene, I do not mean do his applications for him. I mean, telling him we are going to the air force recruiter so he can see for himself that he might not qualify to get in. And by telling him he has to show me his applications. And by making him move the computer to the dining room so I can see what he is doing at all times. I feel like I am treating him like he is an almost 18 yr old, when he is acting like a 12 yr old. Emotionally, he probably is about a 12 yr old.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

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<p>I think you touched on the issue… emotionally he is probably behind his peers, and intellectually he is at age level. Add to this, he is a teen age boy with the typical teen issues along with the social issues that come with being on the spectrum.</p>

<p>You touched on the issue of control. Kids on the spectrum tend to be anxious. They don’t like change in routine. They use control to deal with this. How does he really feel about leaving home, getting a job… Is he ready emotionally even if he is intellectually? Is he ready to take care of himself in a dorm or should he stay at home and attend CC? Can he handle the social demands of college at this time?</p>

<p>Is he really interested in the Air Force or is it a diversion. Does he even have an idea of what being in the Air Force would mean? If he is serious, then maybe a reality check- meeting the recruiter- would be in order. If it is an anxiety diversion- then he will move on to something else.</p>

<p>This is a rough time for all parents- seeing kids through the college application process and figuring out how to help and not to help too much. Some consult a college admission counselor to help with this and be a "neutral party’ between parent and child in situations where it is difficult. He may need some adaptations at college to succeed, even if he has the ability. Maybe it is worth investing in a counselor with expertise in kids with specific needs in the college application process here. I also agree with giving him the support he needs to finish his senior year successfully. For some kids, being at school all those hours is the maximum social contact they can handle- and the idea of then coming home to a job (more social) is overwhelming.
Perhaps a general counselor can get to the bottom of the issues for him and give you some insight to how to handle this stage.</p>

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<p>If he is emotionally that of a 12 year old should he be applying to colleges next year? Not everyone needs or should go to college right out of high school especially if they are a special needs kiddo ( I have one so I understand). And yes there might be an issue for eligibility with a service branch depending on his medications. You can call a recruiter yourself and just ask.</p>

<p>Maybe a year or two of a planned gap year would be more benficial or attending school part time with a light work load or attending a 4 year while living at home with a lighter school load to become accustomed to college life and then moving on to campus after a successful year or two.</p>

<p>I just can’t imagine sending a 12 year-old off to campus. </p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>First of all, I think the people on this board are very wise, and applaud you for asking for advice. Hopefully, you will get diverse responses, and you can consider what fits for your family. I strongly advice you to repost in the learning challenges portion of the forum as well. Here are my thoughts as someone who works with special needs kids, but doesn’t haveme boy. Our DD has ADHD, so I totally get the challenge of treating these kids differently.<br>
1- i think from your description, your son is desperately trying to get the independence of his peers without the skills to manage it. This is normal developmentally, but VERY frustrating when they chafe at your help.
2 - I think you need to let him have some of the independence he craves. If he were mine, I would consider sitting him down with a script something like this. I think you have worked hard for the past 18 years (because he has). I sense that you want more independence than we have given you, and want to be treated more like an adult. Therefore, I am going to give you both more freedom, and more responsibility. I will give you a clothing allowance, and no longer pick/buy clothes. I expect you to learn how to do your own laundry, and keep your room clean. Just as a tenant would have to, I am going to “inspect” your room once per week, at which time I expect xyZ (specifics such as no dishes, empty trash,etc.). I expect you to treat me as an adult would, which means that I will not tolerate hostile comments or lashing out. I expect… Should you violate these rules, the consequences will be abc. from now on, your allowance will be tied to your attitude and productivity around the house. This means that you will have specified chores. You wil. Earn your allowance per chore based on completion and attitude. Here is how I will measure them. (write this out). I am the parent, and pay for the computer and the mortgage, and the furniture, and your transportation. Expect to lose these for non-compliance. </p>

<p>The brunt of my comments is not focused on next year, which in my opinion is not the most crucial issue. for him to be successful in any of his choices, he has to be more responsible now. It’s time to redefine your expectations and relationships, so that he has a year to practice what he will need in a job, a college, or the air force. Given that he is on the spectrum, he will need information to be presented concretely, and in writing. If he has a trusted teacher at school who “gets him”. I would consider taking your drafted plan to them before or after school with an offer of bringing in lunch for them. If he were on my caseload, and you asked me to help you with your planned language and offered to bring me lunch,I would be flattered and helpful.</p>

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<p>:). Had to laugh when I hit post and two other responses came in… You are getting great feedback! Hang in there…it sounds like you will have plenty of ideas.</p>

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<p>My brother in law has been in the air force for over 20 years and has also worked as a recruiter. From what you describe, your son would not be eligible for the airforce with his diagnosis and especially if he takes medication. My bil has had to turn away many nice kids who probably would have been ok - but there is no probably in the airforce. However, it wouldnt hurt to meet with a recruiter, if only to have your son realize what is going on.</p>

<p>My daughter who is now a college freshman would not let me read any of her AP english essays (or most essays) last year. I think some kids are just like that and I think she was afraid I would criticize her. </p>

<p>Maybe it would be a good idea to explore a gap year? Good luck to your son! He will be fine.</p>

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<p>I have no knowledge of what PPD-NOS is, but I do know that lots of boys 17-18 are chomping on the bit to be let loose. I think you should let him get a job…make it contingent on grades or whatever it is you “want” from him. I wouldn’t jump in with a ton of rules because 17-18 boys can only take one direction at a time…seriously they are not great multi-taskers so slowly let the leash out and give him more and more autonomy to make his own decisions. Kids also need to learn how to fail and pick up the pieces, you can prevent them from hitting the proverbial ground, but they all need to know how to dig themselves out of a hole if they slack in a class, or learn how to tell the boss they need less hours so they can keep up with their school work, lots of other examples. </p>

<p>Another observation of mine is that at this age they either grunt (you never get a complete sentence or conversation) or they are angry and yelling at you about something. In “informal” office conversations over the past 7 years one or the other (not talking except in grunts or yelling at you, the mother) seem to be pretty normal for many boys. The grunting does stop in my experience as does the yelling once they are on their own at college and actually realize they ‘need you’ sometimes. </p>

<p>Finally, he needs something besides sitting in front of a computer and if it’s not going to be athletics then a job is a good channel and will benefit him in the long run.</p>

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<p>As your son is approaching adulthood, it might be a good idea to have a psychiatrist or some other professional trained in the issues your son has meet with him, do some assessments and sit and talk to you and him about what the results are. Amazingly, there are kids who have some issues that don’t get that they have something that they need to consider as they get through life. One of them is my DH’s cousin, who is now sitting in jail for reasons that include his aspergers and social/behavioral disorders. He had a great job and was able to get through college, but his nemesis is missing social cues and being too gullible. He could have used a psychologist or social worker to talk to every week all through his life to help guide him through a lot of these things. </p>

<p>Being a military brat, I can tell you that a lot of soldiers, airmen, etc have borderline issues of all sorts including those of Aspergers, and this has been long before things like that were even indentified. The whole issue comes down to how severe and how dangerous it would be for any given person. And that is why you need someone who knows what s/he is doing in assessing and advising. Once your chlld is an adult, he can try anything he wants, but he should be told where he might have issues. Most of us have issues and we avoid things where the risks and difficulties are more than we want to suffer in attempting things that touch heavily on our weak points. The problem with many with Aspergers or other mental/behavioral issues is they don’t know, they can’t get what to avoid and may need pitfalls pointed out to them so they don’t fall right into them.</p>

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<p>I don’t have any advice, but just want to offer a big …</p>

<p>{{{{ hug }}}}</p>

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<p>I actually sat him down and told him that he has been hostile lately. I told him I needed to know what was going on so I could change whatever. He didn’t really answer, other than to say it is just him. SO, I had read the first 2 responses (that was all that was here at the time) and I asked him if the real problem is that he does not want to move out and off to college. He said yes. He says he is very upset how we keep trying to push him out the door. And that that is why he wants to join the military, to tick us off, for pushing him out the door.</p>

<p>I then explained that lots of kids, even top 10 percenters, have been chosing to live at home after graduation and attend community college or even just work. And this was fine. There is no rush. I brought up “Good Luck Charlie” and how the oldest son didn’t even decide to go to college until after he graduated high school. So…we had a good talk. I actually told him about a particular family member who went to Ivy League and dropped out, and then went to community college and eventually graduated from a very good college with a BS. I explained that he does not have to be on the fast track. it is fine to stop and smell the roses.</p>

<p>Seems there is a lot of wisdom on this board. It never ever dawned on me that he is just upset about being forced out. I am thinking he just needs to back up, and feel safe in where he is now, so he is not feeling shoved out and like he has to push back.</p>

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<p>Great insight- and now I will play Devil’s advocate here. He is not ready and this is a good plan. Eventually, there will come a time when he is ready, but the idea of change will cause anxiety. Staying home is safer than the big wide world. It is a good choice to attend CC as it will give him the best of both worlds… the entry into a new college environment and the safety of his own home.
Eventually he will need to face the bigger challenge. I know some families of kids on the spectrum who do this in increments, like you do. They have chosen colleges that are within an hour of home. Some kids need a single room to have some place to escape the social demands of college. They also need the safety of parental support- maybe with laundry or just visiting for some TLC. These kids do better with the slower transition. I also know a mother who has given considerable support when her son moved far from home for a first job. She visited more frequently compared to what is needed for other young adults his age. The point is to enable him to eventually become independent in increments. It’s a fine line. I think the two of you can make a plan for his eventual leave to college.in his own time. Good luck.</p>

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<p>You’ve gotten great advice and sounds like you had a great talk as well. My only two cents is, I assume he was tested several years ago. Perhaps you could consider getting him retested by a neuropsychologist. PDD-NOS is a catch-all term applied to children when there is not a more specific diagnosis. There are some diagnoses that psychologists are reluctant to apply before age 16, and some diagnoses that don’t become more clear until closer to 18. If he is retested, the psychologist can make a more specific diagnosis and could sit down with both of you and help make a plan that will be within his ability level.</p>

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<p>Technically speaking PDD-NOS is Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. I second the idea to get him a neuro-psyc evaluation. It was the single most informative and helpful thing we ever did for our son. It helped us understand the way his brain worked, where the strengths and weaknesses played off one another. It allowed us to call him out when we knew he was bs’ing us saying he couldn’t do something. Our son was much younger at the time, maybe 9 or 10. It was the first time a specific learning disability was diagnosed as he’d been able to compensate and no one noticed. It will be very informative, and help you, and your son, feel more in control</p>

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<p>I echo the advice to take your son to an educational psychologist for thorough testing.</p>

<p>PDD-NOS is an autism spectrum disorder. It’s usual for higher-functioning kids on the spectrum, kids who envision a college education, to ease into college. They might take a gap year, start out at community college, go to a college close to home. It’s very normal for a kid on the spectrum to need to take a reduced courseload, since spectrum kids are typically not good at self-organizing when they have a lot of different things on their plate.</p>

<p>It’s also very typical for kids on the spectrum who try to go away to a four year school right after high school to crash and burn. And it’s typical for colleges to falsely assure parents that the college knows how to help and monitor spectrum kids, only to have the kids crash and burn.</p>

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<p>Just a word of caution on the Air Force enlistment. My son’s boyfriend (he was not “out” at the time) has Aspergers. He was in the Army and ended up having a breakdown (later also diagnosed as bipolar). He was dishonorably discharged, which followed him around for years. He recently succeeded in petitioning to have it changed to “honorably”, but prior to this, he had to reveal the info on job applications, college applications, etc. So…if your kid has similar issues, please make sure that he has things well in control before enlisting. The military is not particularly forgiving of mental health issues.</p>

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<p>At this point the greatest gift you can give him is time.</p>

<p>He feels pushed, rushed and he isn’t ready for what he perceives to be shoving him out the door.</p>

<p>This is your opportunity to really grasp what he fears and take actions to help him positively turn the whole situation into one he can get his arms around and get really excited about it. With reassurance and guidance he can start to navigate the “real” world without feeling like he is falling.</p>

<p>Let him know you are excited for him and taking “baby steps” can be just as fun and rewarding as huge leaps of independence. Looking forward to the future with happy anticipation can be a great motivator. Once he feels vested in his future he might look for other things other than the computer. And he will be more pleasant to be around.</p>

<p>Good luck! And remember excitement and a positive attitude can be contagious!!</p>

<p>Kat
and I also agree with others suggesting a retest and a more thorough analysis of where he is now and setting realistic goals</p>

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<p>Hostility like you describe generally does not appear in the diagnosis you provide. See your doctors. Others’ advice given here about preparation and time is good.</p>

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<p>My son has Asperger’s. The conferences I have attended at Yale on transition to college for students on the spectrum highly recommended they stay at least an extra year in high school due to social -. emotional immaturity. Perhaps attending school in the am and a community college in the afternoon. That gives him a chance to work on social/daily living skills.</p>