I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I think that getting upset without taking action is pointless. Your sister has told you point blank that she intends to run the money out of the estate on purpose and that’s what she’s doing. She’s stalling and lying to your face. Nothing you say will motivate a person who is so vindictive. It sounds like it’s going to take a court order with an official end date or her removal as executrix to get things moving.
If there’s action you can take and you can afford it (physically, mentally, etc.) then why not pursue it? It’s not going to make her dig in or cause a power struggle. You reached that point a long time ago. If you can’t afford an attorney then I get it. But if you can, I’d consult one to see what options you have.
This is what my nephew has been doing. He hired his lawyer in the fall of 2019. I’m sure Covid played a part, but it’s awfully slow with nothing seemingly accomplished. Her stalling techniques (changing lawyers, “sickness”) have worked, and then add Covid.
Oh, she hasn’t officially given me my place either. I’d have sold it as soon as possible after dad died back in Aug 2018. The neighbor wanted it then and offered 25K (seemed fair as the house needs to be torn down - it’s the lot he wants). Sis has since told me many times that he’s changed his mind.
We met with my cousin who lives in the area back in May when we were on our family trip an hour or so away. He had talked with the neighbor the night before we met and told him he still wanted it, asking what was up with getting the estate done. It’s sad. Sis hasn’t even started selling any of dad’s belongings other than two or three guns and one bedspread. The guns were sold this past May.
Again, this is exactly what my nephew (the really affected party) has been trying to do. I talked with a lawyer about 8 months after dad died when sis was telling me all of this, asking if there was anything we could do. He told me courts are going to side with her, esp if she has any sob story. They will give her many chances and a lot of time. He said he could take the case, but he would essentially be taking my money and didn’t see us winning. His suggestion was to give her at least 2 years first. Nephew started with his lawyer approx one year afterward, so just under 2 years. I shared with his lawyer all I had been told, so she knows what’s going on. It just appears the first guy was correct. In the end, whenever that is, something “should” happen, but the money will likely be gone if it isn’t already. I was hoping May would have been the start of the end when she defied the judge by not getting the stuff - not even showing up to look at it - but alas, she was “sick” from Covid vax side effects 2 weeks earlier (vax May 4th, May 18th was in her 4 day time period). I’m guessing the court doesn’t want to dispute her excuse.
H and I are “saving” our money (and some mom gave me for this nephew) to hopefully help him out if she ends up having to sell it all. I don’t know if we’ll have enough to get the property in a sale because I don’t know how high the competition for it would go, but it would be a relatively nice “next best” ending if we can. His property is worth more than mine and there are two neighbors who might want it. They’re both loaded with money, so if they want it, we won’t be able to compete. If that’s the case we’ll just give the lad the money and help him find somewhere else he might want.
Good luck, agree, sad, frustrating. As the prayer goes, “may you have serenity to accept things you cannot change, courage to change things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
@Creekland I have one of the “always an excuse” sisters. Our situation is different, but I am so sick of her games. However, my husband is now more sick of her and starts getting worked up. I have watched so many videos about how to deal with difficult people, that I can’t get worked up. Just resigned that there will be excuse after excuse.
We joke about it in our family TBH, but her antics aren’t affecting us as much since we don’t need the inheritance from dad. It really irritates me when I allow myself to think about how much she’s done to her own son over the years. I’m not sure how mothers can do that to their kids TBH. They’re missing something inside.
Since it’s just the two of us I’m thankful I didn’t get that side of the coin as I suspect it has to be something genetic. 50-50 odds if one of us were going to get it. I lucked out - she didn’t.
Medical boy and I have talked about it a bit in an effort to understand the mindset. Unfortunately, he tells me there’s not really anything they can do about it, esp if the person doesn’t see a problem and she most certainly doesn’t see a problem with herself. It’s everyone else in the world pending on if they agree with her or not.
I can’t give up on her. She’s my sister and it could have been me. But I try to direct as I can and have been on her naughty list multiple times due to it. That, honestly, doesn’t affect me since I know the source and cause. Then I try to help her (adult) son because no one else in the family is there for him now that my parents have died. Earlier in the thread I mentioned his issues stemming from fetal alcohol syndrome and continuing due to WTH parenting from cluelessness to predatorial abuse (court and jail were involved). My mom ended up with custody in his high school years, but a lot of damage had been done prior.
At least with truck driving he’s found a job he enjoys and he’s not a drain on the system like his mom is. He’s not perfect (are any of us?), but his heart is generally in the right place. Now his mom just needs to let him live his life without interference.
I went back and read all the background on this family situation. I am so sorry you are going through this, especially as it affects your nephew, who you care about. My sister never married and has no kids. So all of the consequences of her actions now fall only on her. I am doing what I can so that none of the consequences of her actions fall on me, my husband, or my kids.
My brother and I will split my mom’s estate 50/50 when the time comes. If mom gets her way there won’t be a thing left in the house. She has been trying to get rid of everything since my Dad passed 3 yrs ago.
Ironically I wouldn’t mind retiring and living in my mom’s house. It is perfect size for 2 people. It would probably cost $20-40K to update. But my wife would not want to live there. Neighborhood was middle class america in the 60s-80s. It has turned for the worse somewhat in the last 20 years.
Now my in-laws estate will be a mess I am sure. Three sisters will eventually fight over something. Plus there are two apartment buildings in play as well. I really hope they sell those before it is time.
My father is a retired tax attorney. He used to always tell us how it was always the sisters and wives that fought over the estates. He also said that was one of the worst parts of being an attorney. Seeing what happened to families after parents died and how so many siblings didn’t talk to one another afterwards because they would fight over money or something else.
My husband is an only child so no one to fight with if there is even anything left of his mother’s estate. Her issue is she spends what little money she has left on crap, and needs a caregiver but doesn’t want to spend $ on that. Most likely she’ll run out of $ and it’ll come out of our pockets.
I have so little knowledge of lawyers. I do know that when I left my house in CA., I did hire a good lawyer. Ex had first choice of realtors, but we agreed they had 3 months, then my choice. These realtors hustled. The second bid was acceptable ( well below what my half cost, but I didn’t need more hassles). The ex kept putting off packing and moving. Between the realtors and my lawyer, he was going to be fined $100 a day for each delay in moving. One of his excuses was that he and GF were spending holidays in Paris. So, it did happen. ( meanwhile, ex moved into GF’s house in Brentwood)
Agree with this. Based on the horror stories I’ve heard from friends (and an experienced Trusts/Estates attorney) the women are usually ready to trade sentiment for cash, i.e. “If you’ll let me have mom’s mink stole which Dad bought her on their 30th anniversary(which is probably worth $50 on Ebay) I’m fine with you taking her car (Blue Book value of 10K)”. It’s the MEN who want everything even (aka equitable), getting estimates on EVERYTHING including the old dining room set and the faux Persian rug.
When my parents moved in with my sister and her husband, I told sis, “You can have whatever my share is from their will as you guys are earning it and more.” My parents are nice people but not easy to live with.
My brothers were amazing when we settled the estates of my parents and two of our brothers. I suspect my H’s sister will be a bit difficult when the time comes, but my FIL anticipated that and did a good job with the trusts and wills. We saw her greed when we cleaned out their house after they moved to assisted living. She’s just a self centered person, and that isn’t going to change. No point in getting upset over it. If she moves to try to keep a share of the family cottage, rather than take payment for it as her parents intended, we have already decided that she can have the whole thing. Otherwise, the issues that are sure to happen will cause a rift in the family. It’s just not worth it.
It is easier when it’s just cash to split up. H and BIL did a good job of splitting up their mother’s estate dead even. They even split up the stocks evenly rather than splitting them based on value. It was you get 100 shares of XYZ Corp and I get 100 shares of XYZ Corp.
Yes, that’s generally the easiest or when you can’t split the stock evenly then you do it as a like-kind exchange, but for some, it’s not always that easy, or the parents don’t leave their estates as tidy and trouble sadly ensues. I’ve seen it myself among my friends who have lost parents too and when my grandmother died about 10 years ago, I have a cousin who ran right into her apartment and removed some stuff. It was so obvious and the rest of us were just irritated because it wasn’t the right thing to do. My mom fortunately had access to all the good stuff, jewelry, etc. but ofc the cousin came hunting for that, but my grandma had written down specific bequests for who she wanted to have what. There was also a business my grandma had that a “million” years ago my mother told my grandma she didn’t want and that my Uncle who helped my grandma run the business. Probably not the smartest move for my mother since that left her side with nothing as she didn’t get other equal shares of something else, but she never wanted any part of it and so it went to them fully along with some other things when my grandma died. I guess my mom felt they needed it more than she did and she didn’t want to be bothered with it, but she didn’t think if any of her own kids (my brothers and me) might want to be involved in it someday. Ultimately, it’s probably worked out for the best, but bummer we were never given the chance.
For my parents it’s complicated yet at the same time it isn’t. The problem is there are some assets that can’t be split up, so we’ll have to decide what we want to do with them. For my own family, I’m trying to make everything as easy as possible, but realize that’s not always easy to do as my husband has 2 kids that are not in the picture so I have to make sure that if I die before him and he inherits anything of mine, that when he dies, those assets then revert to my children and that they never go to his, regardless of what the relationship is down the line. Best thing will be if he dies before me, but no one wants to think like that. His estate plan/will is very straight forward since he owns no property, just liquid assets so that all goes to me. It couldn’t be more simple…too bad they all aren’t. Right?
@anomander - I think dh anticipates he feel the same toward his sister. She lives close by and will be the one who deals with the bulk of on-the-ground issues with their mom whenever those arise (none now). We have zero interest in anything in her house. She won’t have a huge estate, but it’s not inconsequential either. So, I think in his mind he would like to disclaim at least some of whatever he might inherit to his sister. We are financially better off than she as well.
When the time comes, we will need to learn the ins and outs of a partial disclaimer and what is required for compliance with any IRS requirements. I don’t think any disclaimers are subject to gift taxes, but Idk. I mean, any amount he would disclaim would be well under the overall unified credit (or whatever it is called now) for gift and estate taxes, but we wouldn’t any disclaimer to reduce our own unified credit in the future. But, I also don’t know if he can disclaim to her or only to our ds. Right now mil has everything half to dh and half to his sister. If one sibling predeceases the other, their portion goes to their respective children (they each only have one). In other words, our ds (not dh’s sister) is the contingent beneficiary if dh were to die before his mother. I don’t know if one can disclaim to anyone other than the contingent beneficiary. My guess is not as that would go against the wishes of the deceased. We’ll likely just have to figure out a way for his sister to get more - probably via, “stuff.”
At any rate, I think he feels like his sister will deserve more because she is the one who will presumptively provide more care simply by virtue of her geographic proximity to their mom.
Are you asking if he’s made sure his own assets don’t go to his children? If that’s your question then yes, it’s explicit in his will. There is no gray here. If he didn’t put it in then 100% they would come after me for what they think is millions of dollars of his, which he doesn’t have but thanks to his crazy ex wife they think he does. It wasn’t easy for him to spell out that he was specifically not leaving them out but he had to make it airtight. If things change down the line then he will revise it but this has been more than 8 years sadly. I still think they’ll come hunting but that’ll be their problem not mine. Maybe we’ll get the first taste of it when his mother dies if they think she’ll have left them anything, however that’s not as common so who knows?
It would kill me to have to do that to my kids so I know it isn’t easy for him and hopefully one day there will be a relationship again.