That reminds me that my MIL once showed me her good jewelry and told me who was supposed to get what. I have since forgotten what she said. I’ll have to have H ask her.
The best would be for her to write it into her will.
Not exactly the same as being able to show your kids or friends the original daguerreotype.
My SIL is still very mad at her now long deceased father for allowing a distant relative take what she (SIL) considered the biggest family heirloom - a small framed icon.
No…the best would be for her to give the jewelry to her intended recipients ASAP.
True!
That “Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate?” video has a lot of good suggestions for processes to work through all these issues, both before and after death.
I think having my MIL give her jewelry to the intended recipients is a great idea. I will suggest to my H that he talk to his mom. She isn’t wearing the rings that are going to the grandkids. I would think it should bring her joy to give them their rings while she can still be thanked. (I am supposed to get a necklace that she still wears, but I will be honest … if her D were to want it, I would not hesitate to give it to her).
If one has a will drafted by an attorney, an alternative suggested in a recent Wall Street Journal article may be more flexible and avoid the cost of amending the will in the future
As for the legalities, if you wish, you can draft and sign what’s called a “personal property memorandum,” a list of items and the people selected to inherit them. You should mention the existence of the document in your will, but the memorandum itself can be changed as often as you wish without having to update your will.
This is also discussed at Using a Personal Property Memorandum With Your Will | Nolo
But I agree with the replies, it may be better to give items now to their intended recipients
The memorandum is ok but 1. The person has to actually write it out (doesn’t seem difficult but people procrastinate), 2. Need to be able to locate it when the person passes away if it isn’t with the will 3. How do you know the one you have is the most current version or what if there are conflicting versions and 4. How do you authenticate it? 5. Not available in all states.
You also don’t need to completely redo your will. You could do a codicil that amends the will to specifically address the items you want to gift.
That being said, I absolutely agree that giving away jewelry IF the person is ready to do that is the easiest way to show intent. In fact that’s true of most physical assets . It’s cleanest to gift them during your lifetime. Often that doesn’t happen because people want/use the items, it feels awkward to gift the item, or people forget to gift.
There were a number of comments upstream about kids/grandkids not wanting things from the parents/grandparents. I am so happy to have a few things from each of them - they evoke fond memories and my kids like hearing about their family history. So while someone may not “want” anything when their relatives dies, later they (or their kids) may be thankful they have some of their family history. Food for thought!
Totally agree @RookieCollegeMom! I did not want anything from my Grandparent’s home. I said I only needed the good memories. I’m guessing the style was not mine at the time, and I know I was still in the more mobile discovery phase of life.
Now, the few items I have, are so much more precious, and definitely “give me joy” when used, touched or viewed. They even sometimes help reignite memories as well.
I was a kid when my grandparents sold their home and most of their possessions to go to nursing homes. I’m glad my mother saved some things which I now have. Family history and family heirlooms don’t mean much to a kid or a young person. I was an adult before I started thinking about such things.
I never wanted anything of my parents, even as an adult, until they were gone. Then it was really hard to get rid of the items that were important to them.
I didn’t take much when my parents passed away, but the few things I took have great sentimental value. That’s why I kept those things.
My stepdad (75) has a sports car that he still drives regularly. It is designated to go to his son when he passes away. A couple years ago my stepbrothers wife suggested that he should give it to his son now since really he is too old to enjoy it. That didn’t go over too well.
When my grandfather died, he was in a nursing home in his small town so his house in the country had been empty for years. As much family as possible met to divvy up what was salvagable. I ended up with a few things though didn’t have much memory attached to any of it. I agreed to take the red-and-white enamel sugar bowl that he kept on his kitchen table. I had no idea when I took it how meaningful it would be. Over the years when I would host my dad’s family for holidays or other get togethers all the brothers would marvel that I still had that sugar bowl and would tell all kinds of stories about their dad. It was so sweet, and I am so thankful that I gave it a good home.
I also took some assorted furniture that I found out later my dad built! I have told my kids that the sugar bowl and three pieces of furniture, two built by my dad and a cedar chest built by my dad’s best friends growing up that they gifted my parents for their wedding, are the only things that I insist they take and care for. The rest of our stuff they can get rid of it.
I am dealing with all of this now - I am the trustee/executor and chief guardian of “stuff” since my parents both died in 2019.
A few years earlier, when they were downsizing to go into assisted living, we siblings selected items we wanted to keep and divided things up. After they died, there were a few more additional items to deal with they had moved to assisted living.
My parents lived in several foreign countries and over the years amassed some truly amazing stuff. They had really beautiful furniture, including items that were custom made. Pretty much everything they owned was nicer than anything I had, so I ended up getting rid of a lot of my furniture to make room for theirs. My other siblings didn’t want or have room for most of it.
I know I’ll need to downsize all their stuff eventually, but right now I am enjoying the gorgeous art, carpets, and other items.
My D who hated our stuff (mostly from the 80s when we got married), LOVES her grandparents’ stuff.
Fortunately, we have had no squabbles. One piece my H particularly liked had already been claimed by my sibling. But my sibling wasn’t able to pick up the piece, and so asked when I was cleaning things out if I would keep it until he could arrange to take possession. I agreed. We’ve had it for over 2 years now, so my H has been able to enjoy it after all.
Ironically, I kept a few tables my parents purchased before we moved overseas in the early 60s, because I had always liked them, and thought they were a useful size. I read something about mid-century furniture sometimes being valuable, and looked them up online, and was very surprised by the asking prices! Who knows if they actually get those prices. The largest table is listed for between $995 and $1,688 right now!
I have appreciated the discussion here - and am SO glad we have had no squabbles.
Of course, if the items are sold patiently when there is no hurry to do so, they may bring much more value to the seller than when they become part of an estate that needs to clean out the items now.
When my mom died 2 years ago my dad was keen to clean out all her stuff - at the time it seemed abrupt, but I’m grateful now. What is left in their house is all good quality and when my dad finally goes (hopefully not for a long, long time) I don’t foresee any problems. My sister and I are really close and I would much rather give her anything in the house than damage our relationship. My mom had a lot of nice jewelry and we divvied that up evenly with no issues so I expect it will be the same when the time comes for the rest. Unfortunately, difficult relationships can become even more problematic when there is an estate to be settled.
This story continues:
When my mom died suddenly literally days after we moved cross country, I came back and stayed in her condo to go through everything and organize (my brother lived five minutes away). We always had a family joke that he would get the table lamps and I would get a ceramic bowl, so those were a given. It turned out that the lamps were signed by the designer and worth -maybe- $1000. The bowl was under $100. But we each loved what we got.
I got my mom’s diamond ring, which had been appraised at $10,000. Whenever we were discussing value of items, he would be sure to mention how I got the $10,000 diamond. (We both knew that was not the actual resale value.) Well, when I took it to our local jeweler to get it appraised for our insurance, he found a small hidden chip which brought it under a carat and advised it wasn’t worth insuring. He was friends with our insurance agent so I know he was honest.
Our parents had put their money into mutual funds (and cruises) instead of possessions, so really it was mostly sentimental value. There were some things he was relieved I took so they would stay in the family, and some things he took because he lived so close and could store them.
There were a few things that I wanted that he sighed and resignedly “ceded” to me - dramatically. That included my mom’s Scandinavian design dining table and six chairs. He had a good one that just needed refinishing - I think his wife wanted the table more than he did. But he “allowed” me to claim it. It cost more to ship to California than its cost, but it’s perfect for us and I love it.