<p>I am struggling with my own stress and anxiety as I watch my son dawdle and delay in finishing up 6-8 applications (for schools he says he really wants to apply to) that are due by the end of the month. He's got his Common App done, but it's all those supplemental essays. He seems to find everything else to do first before he works on getting them done. "I'll do them, I'll do them. I've got it covered," is what he says. Then he does more of...other things. A couple of times I've brought him with me to my favorite coffeeshop and he's written while I sat next to him doing my own work. He's been focused and productive at those times but doesn't want to commit to going back or to doing anything right now. Every time I approach him to talk, I can see the look in his eye--dread, resentment, the "I'm not going to listen" glaze in his eye.</p>
<p>I fear that senioritis is striking too early...my son got top grades, top stats, and is an excellent student, but if he doesn't make the deadlines, it doesn't matter. Part of me wants to completely step back, reminding myself that this is his rite of passage, and that it's up to him, that if he "fails" in this process that he will learn a lot about himself and life. And that the world will not end (he's already gotten into a couple of safety schools). </p>
<p>But the other part of me, that has been invested in the process all along--too much, perhaps-- is ****ed off, frustrated, anxious and wants to lash out. I'm losing sleep over this. And losing any sense of ease in my connection with my son. Are any of you?</p>
<p>I'm guessing the advice I'm going to get is that all I can do is manage my own feelings and step back and just witness...but that is awfully hard for me to do.</p>
<p>It’s great seeing we’re not alone! All along, I’ve been waiting for ‘the shoe to drop’ with my ‘perfect’ son. Well…going barefoot now! Didn’t know if it was me or him. Kept vacillating between giving him a break (afterall, he’s worked soooo hard) and harping. Could not believe I have become this harping mom! Finally, over the weekend, when I finally grounded him and cruelly took away his connections to the outside world…he folded. My 6’3" strong son just started weeping that he keeps putting off finishing the supplemental essays because when he is done…he’s done. “What the heck are you talking about?”, I so kindly demanded. He explained that when they are done, then the next step is actually choosing and GOING. This amazingly bright and independent young man who leads so many in the community doesn’t want to leave home…I’m sure the cycle will catapult in the complete opposite direction by tomorrow. I reckon none of us are immune to the highs and lows of what our kids are going through. On CC, I read wiser and ‘been there’ moms giving counsel that is so great about chilling the heck out. Yes, easier said than done; but all great advise. Let’s hope when we come out on the other side, our sons are still looking up to us and it’s all good!</p>
<p>You’re right. That’s what you’ll get ;). Seriously, if your S can is willing, you can help him by getting a schedule down on paper. IMO, I think he’s not ignoring you when you talk to him. He’s overwhelmed. I saw that in my S last year. A written schedule with absolute deadlines (get essay done by ____), etc. </p>
<p>This is the most stressful time - the culmination of all of S’s hard work reflected in those apps. He’s definitely feeling the stress! </p>
<p>Visit CC often just to vent! I spent lots of time in the parents’ cafe - haha.</p>
<p>Always hard to watch your child doing things that might end in failure. However, it does sound like your son is pretty chill over the process and recognizes that if he does not get the applications in on time, he shoulders the responsibility and the results of that failure. If true, that is pretty mature. However, I found myself wondering if there was some other reason for his procrastination (his own fear of rejection to nonsafety schools). He got it together for his safety schools but not his reach or match schools? It might be helpful to help him explore HIS reasons for the delay. Try and not get into a battle. I cannot see any way a battle is going to motivate him. You have to reign in your own emotions. Just my thoughts.</p>
<p>rpg1, procrastination from “fear of failure” described my S last year as he filled out the app to his “mega” reach school. He chose to do the app without essays (there was an option of a short app or a longer one) and didn’t follow up when other items were requested. I think it would’ve been too much for him to be rejected and all eyes were on this school as he would’ve been a legacy. DH had to bite his tongue and accept that S didn’t really want to attend that school (or he was too afraid to be rejected). Either way, he got into his real first choice and all was well. Still, it was a stressful two months of apps and then a couple more of waiting to hear from schools. </p>
<p>Think about it, the kids work so hard for 4+ years and it all comes down to these applications!</p>
<p>We are waiting on an ED decision… Guidance counselor advised to get all the apps ready in advance, so she wouldn’t have to do them while in despair… Have to complete one supplement on Dec. 15, which she won’t even start until 8 PM that night. We have a 3 day trip planned Dec. 28-31, so now I’m fearing that money will go down the drain because we have to stay home so she can finish the other apps. AARGGHH! Like most things, the families suffer the consequences of procrastination almost as much!</p>
<p>Breathedeeply, I had the same situation with my son. He was so apprehensive about leaving, so not ready to think about going away, but afraid to talk about it. It came out as refusing to work on the apps. Once we got it out in the open and talked about the underlying issues (several times!), things got better and he was a bit more excited about working on the apps. It’s a huge, scary step for some kids, and in their minds, if they don’t do the apps, then the leaving part won’t happen! I think many kids are ready intellectually to go to college–they know it’s a step they have to take in the maturing process–but that doesn’t make it any less scary on an emotional level. I was proud of my son for recognizing this on his own. When I started talking about going to college locally, he said, “If I don’t leave now, I never will.” It’s a huge step, particularly for kids who feel really comfortable and like where they are. Did it get any better once you talked?</p>
<p>Chaieverymorning, do you think some of this could be going on with your son?</p>
<p>One of S schools had an EA deadline of November 1, and his HS wants all materials 2 weeks prior to the school deadlines so they have time to process the recommendations/transcripts/etc. They did not want S to submit them piecemeal, so we put together 6 applications by mid-October with much pulling, pushing, dragging, and nagging on my part. Now he has 3 acceptances, no more essays, and is chuckling at his friends who are still working on their apps at the last minute. I think he is patting himself on the back for getting his done :). Op, I’m glad I’m not in your position. Hang in there, January’s coming.</p>
<p>chai & breathe: We were in your shoes last year, so I completely identify with your stress. I started a thread last year about [thread=806066]smart kids unmotivated to work on essays[/thread]. I received a lot of great tips & advice from others. </p>
<p>Bottom line: some kids work well under pressure. In fact, S2 came home from a school ski trip after a 12-hour bus ride & very little sleep. He cranked out one of the most impressive 250-word essays I have ever read.</p>
<p>Also - follow Chedva’s advice:
ETA: S2 got into a great school. I’m sure your students will be able to breathe & say the same in a few months.</p>
<p>Momdoc…You are good! I can understand your ‘cb handle’. It did get so much better after our talk. Honestly, haven’t seen him weep in…years! We had a good laugh about how I couldn’t wait to get out of dodge and the cow-tipping town I grew up in. Of course privately, in the sleepless night that ensued; I kept mulling over how our generation just went out there and took on the world. Are we making home too comfortable for our kids…of course that’s a whole other post!!! …but selfishly, i was also pleased he likes’ ‘home’ so much. We’ve penciled in a ‘sit down’ after practice today and we’re going to calmly go through what is unfinished and set up a schedule. No more harping. (fingers crossed)</p>
<p>Chaieverymorning, I have heard parents say that they work for years on their relationships with their children, only to destroy those relationships in a few short months during the college application process!
How about this approach: Ask your son if there is anything, such as fear of going away, fear of being rejected, fear of leaving you or a significant other, that is getting in the way of him completing his applications. Generalize it (“A lot of students, deep inside, are actually afraid of…do you think that you have ever felt this way?”) Ask your son whether the nature of the essays (such as examining his innermost feelings) is getting in the way of him doing them. Then, say that this should not be more work than necessary, and discuss which essays can be “two-fers” - using the same essay for more than one college, with minor modifications.
Once you have this discussion, which may be enlightening or may just elicit adamant denial, you will be ready to make a “project chart”.
Put all of the essays and tasks (such as sending SAT scores, recommendations or supplemental materials) on the left side in a column. Put each day remaining across the top. Put any commitments that he already has in the chart (such as a school function, sports playoff game, important activity, family gathering, visits from out-of-towners, etc.) Have him check off which day he is going to do which essay or task. Ask if it is OK for him to bounce ideas off you in terms of what to write. He has had a hand in deciding, so he should stick to this chart. Then, you can just say, “What is on your chart for today?”
It’s a good life lesson in planning any big task - and may remove some of the nagging and conflict.
Good luck!</p>
<p>I went through this with son #!. There is no magic answer. Most of us can’t realistically give up on nagging and most of us can’t realistically “make” another person do something.</p>
<p>Maybe try and get a little “meta” on your son? Lay our very explicitly the quandry you’re in, the advice you’ve gotten, and even ask for his advice. </p>
<p>Then tell him whatever you plan to do… “I’m going to try and not nag you for a few days, but I’ll probably only last until Fri, so when I start up again be prepared for me to be very very involved.”</p>
<p>Also, maybe lay out the realistic scenario and consequences… if he has done things at the last minute before, how has it worked out?
“Remember when you did your science paper at the last minute? It made me nuts, but it actually worked out ok for you. You got an A-, and I still think you would have gotten an A+ if you had given yourself more time, and I want you to do your best on your essay, so I’m trying to get you to do A+ work…” OR “Remember … and you had the best data but you had to rush the report and you got a C when you could have gotten an A? Do you want to leave the admissions officer with a C or an A impression of yourself?”</p>
<p>“If you don’t get your apps in on time, I’ll have to deal with being disappointed and furious, but more importantly, you’ll have to…”</p>
<p>What? Move out? Go to Community college? Get a job? Join the foreign service? What would your son’s actual consequence be?</p>
<p>Lots of good advice here.<br>
You might also want to remind your S that by submitting an app, he’s not commiting to attend that school, but rather, putting it on the table for consideration come May 1st. (Assuming he’s accepted, of course!) S applied to 10 schools (too many in hindsight) and had 7 acceptances in hand come decision day. His schools included big and small, near and far, etc. It was a good feeling for him. Believe me, S was a different kid when spring came - more calm and HAPPY. It wasn’t until then that I realized how tense things were at home during college search and apps time.</p>
<p>I think I posted in the other thread, my older son was a terrible procrastinator. He also hates writing and is a bit of a perfectionist. I sat down and talked with him about deadlines and said that I could not in good conscience do no nagging, but I was open to a nagging schedule. I think we made a deal that I would bug him once a week until the last week. With him it really helped for me to be in the room with him when he worked on essays. He rarely talked to me, but it did seem to keep him on track. In the end he used one of his procrastinating activities as the opening to his essay. </p>
<p>My younger son I thought was fairly on top of things, but I can assure you he was still writing supplement essays over winter break. His Tufts application went in only a day or two before the deadline, and he did a terrific job on it. He needed all that time to put it together.</p>
<p>chai - you are NOT alone as you can tell. I’m glad you started this because it is comforting to read. S has worked his butt off in HS but seems a bit paralyzed on the essays. Like someone above mentioned, when a deadline has loomed he has kicked it in gear. I think it is fear…of the unknown, that he didn’t do enough, that he won’t have the choices he wants (although he has no clear first choice), the list goes on. I know that if I freak out, he will lose it. I HAVE to be the steady ship. I DO spend a lot of time on CC and that makes me calmer. I do spend a lot of time in a hot bath. As April 1st gets closer I’ll make sure I always have an extra bottle of wine to keep me distracted!</p>
<p>I love the advice about the bottle of Merlot and a roll of duct tape–for my mouth. LOL. I needed that laugh, too! I, too, think I’m damaging my relationship with my son with my harping and nagging. It feels like we’re playing out these epic roles–in opposition to each other. Lots of good suggestions here. But really, I think I have to turn my attention and feel that anxiety that’s driving a lot of my less stellar interventions. I keep thinking I should be able to provide a mother-knows-best, Coach Taylor motivational speech, but such pearls have not emerged from my lips. </p>
<p>I don’t think my son is afraid to leave home or even his long-term girlfriend–or if he is, he’s unaware of it. I’m aware that his foresight into the future is nil–I know it’s the adolescent brain and all that, but he seems to only deal with the moment and not dig down and just do what has to be done. Mostly, though, it feels good to vent here, rather than on him and to read all the sympathetic replies.</p>
<p>Oh and he did meet with his college counselor and they came up with a schedule of what he was going to complete when–which was great–only he hasn’t completed any of it.</p>
<p>It just always makes me sad to read about these senior year family conflicts. I just really do not get it. DS#1 is just a last-minute guy. I would remind him periodically about deadlines but knew he wouldn’t really finish up until near deadline time. I don’t think he got one app out before early Jan. DS#2 was eager to have it all done and sent in the las of his apps in mid-Nov. I just do not get the stressing part (but totally get the bottle of wine part). ;)</p>
<p>My D1 was deferred from her ED school a couple of days before winter break last year. She had not started any other apps (the all the eggs in one basket strategy was hers, not mine, despite warnings). She cranked out 7 other apps over the winter break, in a span of 5 days, and it was excruciating (luckily she had ordered all the transcripts and test scores sent beforehand). She just had to do the dreaded supplemental essays. We also had a week long family trip planned to make things worse time-wise. She was disappointed and still mentally not ready to get over the ED school (there was still a chance in her mind that she would get in and all the extra work would be unnecessary but at the same time she was worried that the deferral meant she may not get into ANY of the schools she wanted). Because of the looming trip and her mental state (and MINE stressing out over her stress and procrastination), I just imposed mandatory deadlines on her- she had to finish one and sometimes two a day (depending on how many essays were involved with each) BEFORE we left on our trip. At times I had her sit in the kitchen at the table and work on essays on her laptop while I was baking, etc. so she wouldn’t get distracted by tv or Facebook. Once the SEND button was pushed the rest of the day was hers. It was brutal, and I felt like a dictator, but she ended up thanking me in the end and is thrilled with her college (not the ED school which ultimately did not pan out). You know your child the best. Normally, I am a “chips fall where they may” type parent, but the stakes were too high and it seemed she needed me to be there. We laugh about it now when we look back and talk about how this winter break will be much more enjoyable!!</p>