<p>Thank you for all of the thoughtful responses. I agree, that for the most part, if they haven’t learned by now, parting advice is not going to help. However, for kids who have not been prone to trouble, a heads up about things they may not anticipate can be helpful.</p>
<p>One item that is on my mind is suicide, because the college my kid will be attending in the fall has experienced about 4 suicides already this year. </p>
<p>I talked to her about the fact that the school is competitive, and everyone has bad days, but nothing is worth killing yourself over. I said, that she has all of the tools, and that I am confident that she be a great student. However, no matter what happens, or how badly things go, always know that Mom and Dad have your back. I said that in the unlikely even that she were to fail or flunk out, we would welcome her home with open arms, she could take a term off, and then we would help her find a school that is a better fit. I told her we are proud of her for her, and not only if you she is an outstanding student. </p>
<p>I also said that she should learn that there is no shame in trying to do something hard and failing. The shame is in being too afraid to try it. </p>
<p>Regarding suicide, I know that many have found comfort in spiritual guidance. It’s the one thing that prevents me from ever committing suicide. In the end, it is about a support system, which you have shown your daughter that she has no matter what. </p>
<p>That was my goal niquii77. I think it is very unlikely that she will struggle significantly, but still, you never know for sure. I am sure the four kids committing suicide in the last 6 months never thought it would happen either. No one does.</p>
<p>With respect to sex, a) treat your partners with respect; b) always have protection. </p>
<p>I told my son that he needed to be careful to avoid situations that could be interpreted as non-consensual. The existing rules, such as they are, are strange in a college context. Any alcohol consumption is said to void consent. Yet an extremely high percentage of college social situations are lubricated by alcohol. If one is only going to have sex with partners who had no alcohol, one is likely to wait a while. Given the college environment, it is complex (e.g., you and your GF with whom you sleep every night have two drinks on Friday night and then have sex – is that non-consensual?) If you start with treating your partners with respect, that generally precludes non-consensual sex (although not all activities labelled non-consensual by the current rules).</p>
<p>I would have told my daughter to be wary of/stay away from fraternities not because all frat boys are problems but because there is evidence that fraternities have a disproportionate share of coercive sexual activity. But, she didn’t go to schools with fraternities. Her HS had a fabulous program in which they showed her how little alcohol it would take for a girl her size (5’9" 120 lbs) to get drunk or have impaired decision-making. We reinforced that message. I didn’t bother telling my 6’4" 210 lbs son. Perhaps I should have. But, we were more concerned about our girl making herself vulnerable than our boy (people tend not to mess with someone that size). He got lots of talk about driving and alcohol. She doesn’t drive yet.</p>
<p>I told them that there would be time when they got very drunk and felt absolutely awful afterwards but that the mark of a high IQ was that they would remember how bad they felt and not repeat the same behavior the second time. </p>
<p>Not sure what my wife told them, but it was probably consistent.</p>
<p>Many here have suggested speaking to young women about sexual safety and to young men about consent, but the opposite is important as well. Men are very often victims of sexual assault, and it is often unreported. College-aged boys themselves are often unaware of this, so I would remind them to be a bit cautious and above all, let them know that they would be supported in reporting anything.</p>
<p>More on the side of sexual safety for young women, there’s a great deal of focus on remaining self-aware at parties, perhaps avoiding fraternities, etc, which is undoubtedly crucial. Nonetheless, the majority (57%) of rapes in college occur on dates.</p>
<p>ETA @poetgrl: Most, perhaps, but not all! I had fewer than 10 drinks in 4 years of college, total, lived on a party floor all four years and loved it. I think with boundaries between you and any drinking friends of yours, it’s manageable. This is definitely harder with roommates who drink and who may make a mess of your room, but if a single room is not far in the future, I wouldn’t want to let go of good friends for the two or so nights a week that they might be drinking.</p>
<p>Some advice that I would give students is that stand on your own feet. By all means if you are making the choice to hookup with people constantly, more power to you. However don’t let the mindsets of those around you influence you to do something you are not prepared for. Hold yourself to standards make sure anyone you choose to get involved with is being safe. </p>
<p>Other general info</p>
<p>•You leave with who you come with. I find this especially important for girls, and especially if you do not know where you are. If you are positive that she is with someone you trust and she trusts and you have phone numbers and such then that is the exception (assuming both parties are not drunk) </p>
<p>•Dont leave drinks unattended. Often times in college there is a popular drink “Jungle Juice” which is essentially vodka and soda and ice, watch your drink being made and watch it the whole time until It gets to to you. Unfortunately it is college and many people will take whatever is free but this is where the buddy system comes in handy, if, god forbid you feel like something isn’t right you have your right hand man with you. </p>
<p>•Learn your limit, I am guilty of this. I rarely drank before my birthday and on my birthday I drank a lot it could’ve ended up badly had I not had good friends. Also, don’t mix liquor. </p>
<p>And most importantly, remember that college, especially being away at college, is a learning experience. You’re going to mess up. It is VITAL that you have a support system around you when you mess up. My first year great. My biggest help was my residence director who I could go to with ANYTHING as well as my freshman seminar professor. When I was overwhelmed I knew I could go to her and vent over tea and cookies. This first year did wonders for me because for the first time in a log time I am comfortable in my skin. I did a lot of self searching while away; join clubs, make new friends, try something you’ve done! </p>
<p>For a first date, is it wise to limit the time to, say, 1 to 1.5 hours? After all, there is not much mutual “trust” at this stage. It takes time to build up the trust.</p>
<p>Take alcohol with caution and drink it slowly, especially your first time when you don’t know how it’ll affect your body. I don’t go out to a party and drink if I don’t trust the people I’m with. Even if you’re going with friends, unless you trust that those friends will be sober enough themselves to keep an eye out for you, you put yourself in a dangerous situation. I agree with a previous poster that you should not aim for blackout drunk. There is really nothing to be gained from it.</p>
<p>Take boys with caution, too. A lot of freshmen boys on campus are not looking for a relationship, just a hook-up. I would decide early on whether you want to be part of the hook up culture or not, so you have something to hold on to when you start feeling pressure to go one way or the other. If you think a relationship with a boy is going too fast, it probably is.</p>
<p>Take control of your actions! It’s easy to go with the flow, and I suppose that’s where the “but it’s a college thing” mindset comes from. My first semester, I went with the flow and it was kind of a disaster. My grades, while not horrible, were way below what they should have been for the classes I was taking and my abilities. My personal life was a nightmare, as I thought I wanted to be part of the hookup culture but later learned I wasn’t really mentally prepared for what that meant. I also put myself in precarious positions with alcohol, which is why I strongly advise to only drink when you’re sure someone has your back! (You will need it!!)</p>
<p>I once read a parenting book that advised parents to ask their kids to follow three rules. These rules have worked well for us over the years. The last one is not as applicable to the sex/drugs/alcohol at college situation, but can be adapted to a buddy system rule (friends look out for each other.). The rules are:
<p>Too frequently, parents teach their daughters how to avoid rape rather than teaching their sons the importance of sexual responsibility. My son is still a preteen, so he isn’t there yet. But when he becomes a teacher I will let him know that catcalling, badgering, and coercion are all forms of harrassment and assault and are all wrong.</p>
<p>Yes, we should all teach our sons not to be rapists, or bank robbers, or mass murderers. And. we should teach our daughters and our sons to be cautious. Really, some of this is common sense and doesn’t require teaching, at all. And, many criminals were likely taught that the behavior in question was bad. They do it, anyway. </p>
<p>We have a 5.5-hour drive on Monday, the day before move-in day. During the trip, I hope to reinforce what we’ve already talked about. My daughter has to do an online course on the subject before then. Of course as of yesterday she had not but hopefully some of it will sink in.</p>
<p>A couple of thoughts coming from the advice above. It’s admirable to take the drunk person home. However, you probably shouldn’t do this alone. Especially do not take a drunk person home and put them to bed in their bed with nobody else around. Wake somebody else up if you have to.</p>
<p>The other thing: if somebody is blacked out, call the health service or the campus police to help. Don’t leave them to “sleep it off.” They may never wake up.</p>
<p>We just said to be safe and get help if needed. That second advice just does not sink into my kid’s brain anyway. I had to convince her to find somebody to take her to emergency when it was absolutely needed, she finally did but not as soon as I would prefer. But the same thing actually happened after she graduated from college, despite the fact that she knew exactly about danger (being in Med. School). You can only do you best talking…and scare them as much as possible…but dehydration could be fatal…everybody knows that, but not everybody acts on it. If you loosing water and cannot hold it, you got to have an IV, there is no way around it. She had the bad reaction to 2 different medications in both cases. So, I would warn them to watch what happens to them when taking any medication and more so the new that they never used before and react QUICKLY before it is too late. This has nothing to do with any crazy things, this is just being mature to be able to take care of yourself</p>