You’re right Zerankis - boarding school is not easy for everyone. I’m not trying to blame the victim (your child), but I do want to cough up some personal experience for you to think about. The truth of these experiences is usually more complex than one party being totally wrong and the other completely right - although I suppose that happens now and again.</p>
<p>My first year at boarding school was a nightmare. I came from a wealthy, sheltered, and fearful background (fearful of people not like me). I’m absolutely sure that I acted the part - snobby, shy, sarcastic, prepped out, socially awkward. I was a target for some pretty intense incoming fire. Some of that fire came from a few truly jerky kids, but truth be told, most came from people who were genuinely turned off by my behavior. </p>
<p>I was incredibly unhappy that year. I never told my parents because I couldn’t stand the idea of showing weakness, especially to my father. Every day, I would “try on” different personalities, trying to unlock the code for “getting along.” But every night I would climb into bed and feel scared all over again, isolated and very homesick, wondering what unhappiness waited for me the next day. </p>
<p>As I look back many years later, that first year was a painful passage to the beginnings of self-awareness, to becoming conscious of the effect of my words and behavior on others. I went from being tone deaf socially to the realization that the problem had more to do with me than with others. Just that one bit of knowledge took a whole year to acquire! Like some wise person said, “experience is the thing you acquire right after you need it.”</p>
<p>I went into sophomore year with a tremendous amount of anxiety. But it started out better than I expected. Everyone seemed a little bit changed, including me. I began to be aware that certain kinds of behavior and words on my part attracted smiles and friends. That was a first for me. I listened more, talked less. I began to like the me that I was becoming and that slowly translated into my first friendships - some with kids that “hated” me freshman year and some with kids I had never gotten to know. Sophomore year was all about learning who I wanted to be and becoming comfortable, even a little bit, in my own skin.</p>
<p>Junior and Senior years were a rush of growth, happiness and friendships. I literally felt like I was a new person. I was a proctor Junior Year and a freshman dorm Prefect senior year.</p>
<p>On one end of the spectrum are kids who come to boarding school and have a smooth, enviable maturation right from the start. Others, like me, come to boarding school and suffer a ton of adversity as they learn what works and doesn’t work about themselves. It’s incredibly hard to be one of those kids and it’s hard to be a parent and watch the suffering. </p>
<p>Zerankis, my happiness and success in life got its start during and because of that horrible freshman year. There was more learning in those bad times than in all the years up to that point. Like I said at the start, your “take” on the bullying may be accurate and entirely the fault of the bullies. If so, I apologize for making you any unhappier than you already are. If, on the other hand, your child is also a responsible party, know that much good can come from these hard times.