<p>This is my first time through the selective college admissions process and I am wondering if anyone who has had a kid rejected from a college that the kid really, really wanted to attend has some advice for a parent about how to respond. I know that to some extent, the best thing to say or do will depend on the kid, but so far all I can think of to say is "they can't accept everyone who is qualified" and this does not sound very helpful (because of course kid already knows this).</p>
<p>Maybe this won’t work for every family or every student, but here goes: you immediately become the biggest cheerleader in the world for the schools that have accepted your child, having clearly demonstrated their discriminating judgment and extreme good taste. It is not necessary to say anything negative about the rejecting schools (your child may end up there for grad or prof school or your child’s friends may go there next fall or maybe it is your alma mater; with any luck at all a sib doesn’t go there) but there is no reason for the parents to bring them up at all from this point on. In our family the best schools are the ones that had the good sense to want our children. And we just rave about them in the privacy of our own home. If you typically do some kind of celebration for special events try your best to get your child to participate now and recognize the accepting schools as the triumphs they are. If your child has choices, relish them. Enjoy all the admitted student weekends possible. Order a college tee shirt; slap a decal on the car and be proud as punch. Best of luck!</p>
<p>I have no advice, but I understand how hard it is. My S didn’t get formally rejected, but he never got off the wait list at the school he had wanted to attend since 8th grade. Nothing but time helped my S to get over it. We were so sad too, because we knew how bad he wanted to go there.</p>
<p>He is finally really truly happy and realizing where he is (second choice) is a perfect fit for him.</p>
<p>alh’s advice is excellent. Rather than focus on the rejection, start “talking up” his safety schools. Maybe go back for a spontaneous weekend visit to his favorite match/safety school. Have him bring a friend and let the two of them walk around the campus.</p>
<p>Most important aspect, imo: Do not act like YOU think it is a major blow. </p>
<p>This is, likely, not the last significant disappointment that he will have in life. Important that he realize that it is okay, and quite normal, to be disappointed. To take some time to lick his wounds and feel down. But that the amount of time for that should be limited. And that you see it as one door closed, but other doors will be open.</p>
<p>That it is all about how we handle obstacles in our path, not about the obstacles themselves.</p>
<p>Agreed. The worst thing you can do is let the kid think you are disappointed in them. </p>
<p>Acknowledge the disappointment and allow a brief period for crying or mourning (if the kid is so inclined), and pass out lots of hugs and reassurance that they are still the great kids they always were and will be very successful and have a wonderful time no matter which of their excellent colleges they end up choosing. And then soon move to refocus on the admits in hand and those still in play. Just move past the rejection and change to subject to the future.</p>
<p>If you can arrange overnight visits in the dorms at any of the schools the student DID get into, that is great. High school seniors generally really enjoy dorm overnight visits.</p>
<p>We’re not there yet and my son actually is preparing himself – he refused to visit schools because he didn’t want to fall in love and last week he started a betting pool on where he’d get in and bet his first choice would wait list and reject him. I asked why and he said, “I don’t want to be disappointed.”</p>
<p>My instinct would be to allow some time for processing and then focus not just by talking on the other schools. Plan visits. Meet with kids who go there or are going to go there. Plus endorphins are really good. If I were a cognitive behavioral therapist, I’d say that the thought that “I can only be happy at XXX College” was an irrational cognition that we could test. I’d look for ways to help your child test it. I might focus on activities that your kid loves that are in abundance at one or more of the other choices.</p>
<p>Finally, this probably isn’t practical, but there may be a version of this that could work. I wrote my PhD thesis at Harvard in 1 1/2 years. It can be done somewhat faster, but many people take much longer. To do this, I taught myself to be anxious any time I was awake and not working. So, I got back to work. This was highly productive (and it could indeed be thought of as rational if my goal was to finish my PhD disseration quickly) until I finished and started a post doc. That instinct was not so useful if you want to get back into a normal life – I was anxious every night. One of my close friends, an individual possessed of real wisdom, said, “We’re going for a trip.” We flew down to Tennessee, I think, and went whitewater rafting in the Chattooga River (where they filmed the movie Deliverance) and then camping in the canyon of the river. People die there rafting because the rapids are pretty serious. We actually had a couple of patches of danger that I’ll probably put into a book some day. But, a day or two into the trip, faced with the immense forces of nature surrounding me, all those little things I was worrying about seemed to pale in comparison and I calmed right down. My anxiety was gone. Maybe a trip into the mountains for a weekend (the Rockies in Colorado and Alberta always do the same thing for me). I don’t know if there is any comparable place or activity that would have a similar effect for your child.</p>
<p>A lot of the reaction depends on the kid’s personality.</p>
<p>One DD applied to a dream school and was very saddened not to get in.
Her sister applied to the same school and when she got in assumed it was for the best and their may be some reason why it was not a good fit. A coach later talked to her about transferring there and she told him they had had their chance ;)</p>
<p>It was all in the attitude so encourage that!</p>
<p>I agree with those who say that the parent can set the tone and direct the attention to another school or schools, and point out the good things they have to offer.</p>
<p>Frankly, so many of these schools are similar…</p>
<p>as a student who got rejected to her dream program she was SURE of getting into, i beg of all parents not to tell your child to “get over it” the same day the rejection comes. do not tell your child that life goes on. please, show some sympathy. i agree with the talking up of other schools, and dont dwell on the rejection. it only inflames the wound. Don’t ask your kid, “what did you do to screw this up” and please to high heaven dont say “there’s always community college.”</p>
<p>Oops, typo above, neither kid got into that ‘dream’ school one was bothered for some time and took it personally, the other figured it must not be a good fit. If you really put your passion into your essays and they reject you, it helps to figure there must be a better place for you, somewhere that you will really click!</p>
<p>Been there twice. I agree with not acting like it’s a major blow but there was no way we could cheer for the runner up colleges because the kids would not have taken us seriously.</p>
<p>We’re a pretty pragmatic family and we focused on discussing giving the colleges they were to attend a chance and the option of transfer.</p>
<p>For DS1, he ended up liking the college enough, and focused on his dream school for grad school. Here’s there now, which does a mother’s heart good.</p>
<p>For DD, she did not like the match school she ended up at. She is now a junior transfer at dream school.</p>
<p>So all’s well that ends well would be my message. This is just the first step.</p>
<p>We were talking about rejection before it happened and when it did, was not big deal. Acceptance to #2 choice helped. At the end, it always work out to the best and D is still very happy there finishing her 2nd year.</p>
<p>It is important for kids to have a range of schools they are interested in and not be unrealistic and hang everything on one school. That’s something for the next group to consider.</p>
<p>Just moving on and talking up the other schools may work for some, but not for others. Each kid is different. For D, she had to be comforted, and cry it out first. Then, she focused on a different school which she had to reject because of $. It was not a good start. But then, that all-important Early Write took care of the problem - she really was a desireable candidate. Now, she is a senior, and says she wouldn’t have been as happy anyplace else. Lots of kids won’t believe you if you keep pushing another school and tell your kid how wonderful he or she is. After all, you are the parent! You have to beleive that. It is the other acceptances that finally totally took care of the problem.</p>
<p>Being focused on all the good choices that one has is very important. My son, when he was rejected from MIT this past weekend, busted out laughing. He never thought he would get in there, and really, he did not want to go there. He just looked at all the good options he has from other schools and remained positive.</p>
<p>If I were the kid in this situation, I don’t think I could take the parent seriously if they started talking up my other options. It’s like when you’ve just had a breakup, and your parent is telling you how many other wonderful young men/women there are for you to date and that you’ll find someone else. It’s true, but it’s not comforting at that particular point in time.</p>
<p>I would think the way to go is to just let them be upset about it for a while, and not to try openly to comfort them, but to provide distractions that they will enjoy that have nothing to do with college and admissions. If they don’t come out of their funk after a while, <em>then</em> they might need a little kick out of it, because there’s a point where the initial upset should be over and they need to get some perspective already.</p>
<p>Another thing: Don’t let them get away with making racist or sexist statements because they are bitter that they didn’t get in (e.g. “I bet some unqualified minority took <em>my</em> spot”). Letting them get away with spouting that kind of crap is doing them no favors in the long run, and it’s horribly annoying for the other people who end up hearing it (not to mention, it can do harm to, say, URM schoolmates who got into strong schools).</p>
<p>I wish I had a nickel for every post I’ve read from a student on CC who didn’t get into, or couldn’t afford their “dream” school, “settled” for a backup choice, then found it was ideal in every way and couldn’t imagine their life without it. I don’t think I’ve ever read a post from one who found that their alternative choice was a disappointment.</p>