Bittersweet Goodbye..mom needs advice.

Parents Forum
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<p>Our (last) child will be leaving for college in THREE weeks from today. I don't know what I am going to do without my son after 18 years, but I am almost to the point of being ready to let go, just to see him get up out of the computer chair.</p>

<p>He's 18. A SMART kid...bookwise. 35 on the ACT, NMS Commended, Eagle Scout, Stuco Pres, and blah, blah, blah. I was much more enamoured with his accomplishments toward the end of May, but since, I've been thoroughly aggravated with this non-productive, lazy 18 year old. </p>

<p>My husband tells me it's partly my fault, and I see now that he's right (no more kicking please). He was so busy in high school with all the clubs he joined and his duties as Stuco pres, working on his Eagle and church youth group activities that I never pressed him to get a job. At school he was a shining star, and had a 3.98gpa....only two B's in 13 years. We've spent so much time working on helping his academic work ethic that we missed the complete package by letting his WORK ethic, organizational or motivational skills slide.</p>

<p>After graduation he applied for a few jobs but didn't try hard and only at the select places that interested him (bookstores, video game store, clothing store)...and then he sat down to play video games and has done that almost non-stop all summer. This boy won't get off the video game to even sign on to his college email to check what might be "going on" unless we remind him. Both my DH and I work and he spends the days at home doing nothing. I started sending him an email daily to give him chores to do (things that he could have looked around and seen needed to be done for himself), and I come in in the afternoons and he is doing them, when he COULD have already had them done. When I come home he asks if I brought anything home to eat....that "he hasn't eaten all day" when there is food in the fridge. He is waiting on me to bring it home and drop it in his mouth like a little bird I guess. </p>

<p>When we talk about college I've only seen him act excited one time...He won't get on Facebook to join the college group to get involved...and he says he has done his summer reading but I don't know when that happened. When I told him today there was a response to turn in the first week, he acted irritated. Talking about shopping he doesn't even want to take the time to do that...he says "all I need is clothes and bed stuff" to go to college. No thoughts of storage, or lamps, or desk stuff....his brother finally got him to order a laptop today...hope it gets here in time.</p>

<p>He says he's bored, and wants to get on with college. I am almost ready for that to happen myself because maybe he will get back into the academic mode. Right now he's up til 2am and I have no idea what time he gets up while I'm at work. My husband says to just let him go and figure it out on his own, but it's hard to think that he has so much potential that may go wasted. </p>

<p>Now that I'm done griping, I just want to know if anyone can give me advice on how to get him to find motivation for himself to get moving on finishing up the details without us taking him by the hand and making him go to his room to declutter and figure out what he's taking. Once we leave him there, he's on his own. I'm almost hoping that this will be the best thing for him to make him figure out his own life and taking care of himself. He thinks it will be a breeze....I just fear him failing and ending up losing his full ride to a good future.</p>

<p>Any advice?</p>

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<p>I agree with your husband. Time to sit back and let him figure it out on his own. If that means that he ends up packing at the very last second (which, by the way, is what I did when leaving for college, and what both of my sons did), let him. If that means he arrives late or has to have things shipped to him, so be it, but do let him know in advance that you expect him to pack and pay for things that need to be shipped if he isn’t ready on time.</p>

<p>It’s his last few weeks at home, and it’s not worth getting upset about things that truly are trivial in the larger scheme of things. In his own way, he’s pulling away from you and preparing for being off in college as a more independent person. It’s time for you, too, to pull away by letting go with love, which means not nagging. </p>

<p>With my older son , I told him that we wouldn’t drive him to college unless his room was decluttered. As a result, until the last second, he was hauling big trash bags of years’ accumulation of junk out of his room.</p>

<p>I said the same to my younger S, but in all honesty, he has always been an easier kid who didn’t get into arguments over things like this. He also didn’t finish decluttering his room, and he’s now a rising junior and it’s still not decluttered. I’ll probably declutter it after he leaves for good. There could be worse problems. …</p>

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<p>It takes some kids 8 weeks to pack for college… my niece is one of them. She’s been at Target, online, buying a quilt on ebay, chatting with her suitemates on Facebook, racing home from work to see if there’s an email from her advisor, and spends the evenings either saying goodbye to HS friends or going through her mom’s linen closet to steal towels. She’s also read the novel suggested for her orientation trip and reviewing verbs for her foreign language test (if she places out of it she won’t have to take a language.)</p>

<p>My son spent about two hours stuffing junk from his bedroom into a plastic storage bin and then announced, “OK I’m done”. When I suggested we shop for clothes, he asked if I could pick up underwear at Walmart and did he have to go with me. When we suggested that he eyeball the material he’d need to review to take the math, physics, and writing placement tests he rolled his eyes. He didn’t even care when his AP scores came in. He was plenty excited for college; just not prepared to get all Martha Stewart about it.</p>

<p>So relax, your kid will be fine. He won’t starve no matter what you think. If he locks himself out of the dorm, the campus housing folks will cheerfully let him for $25. If he bounces a check it will be a one time lesson. If he runs out of money before the end of the month, his friends will sneak him food from the cafeteria and a cute girl will buy him coffee (or a cute guy, his choice). And if he has to wear his clothes for days because he didn’t remember to buy laundry detergent, eventually his roommate will shame him into doing a load.</p>

<p>Just his wiring, he’ll be fine.</p>

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<p>For what it’s worth, I mainly spent the summer before college sitting in my backyard reading, or watching TV, with occasional forays into the outside world to chase girls. I worked for pay about 30 hours in the course of the whole summer. I went to bed late and got up late. I didn’t buy a darn thing for college (and for the life of me I can’t figure out why kids today think they have to).</p>

<p>My mom didn’t mind, so there was no tension about it. I got to college and had 4.0 my freshman year, won prizes, graduated summa, great jobs, top law school, etc. I never had another summer off again. I worked manual labor jobs, university jobs, snazzy internship jobs, sexy fun jobs. In other words, I was really fine. The summer was a good break.</p>

<p>As an 18-year-old boy, no matter how indolent I was being, I would have been really miffed if my mom had bugged me about homework for college in the fall, or logging on to Facebook or checking my e-mail (if such things had existed then). Assuming that one way or another you gave him tacit permission to loaf this summer – and you clearly did, and it’s way too late to retract it now – he hasn’t done anything worthy of your disappointment. Back off, and let him find his way. If you sniff trouble at Christmas, you will have an opportunity to butt back in.</p>

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<p>

I’m sure this is true - he’s ready to move on.</p>

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He’ll do it although it might be at the last minute (like the night before or morning of) and he might forget a thing or two but he’ll survive it. </p>

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Forget your fear. Take a look at this quote -

</p>

<p>So don’t worry; he’ll do fine. He may not act as outwardly ‘excited’ or have the same desire as you to organize weeks early and join facebooks, etc. but that’s not unusual or necessary. </p>

<p>My advice FWIW is to let him enjoy his few remaining weeks at home, to let him take this at his own pace and get ‘involved’ in college facebooking to whichever level he wants (which might be not at all which is fine), and maximize your own time with him in these last few weeks.</p>

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<p>We too would have been in your position, but “unfortunately” for our son, the first place he applied, interviewed and hired him in a tight job market. He timed it right because they just fired someone who he replaced. It’s nice to see how productive he can be on a job. With the tight job market, I suggest you see if there are any volunteer positions he could do in his last weeks. It will at least look like he tried to be productive over the summer.</p>

<p>Mom just reminded him that he’ll be leaving in a month and he should start thinking about what he needs to take. I’m guessing that will happen 3 days before we leave unless we sit with him to do it. In any case, he’ll have to do it or do without. Good luck and I hope you’ll feel better knowing you’re not the only one.</p>

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<p>The only thing I would be concerned about is his video playing. Make sure it is not addictive.</p>

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<p>Wow. Thanks for the quick replies. The Martha Stewart comment made me laugh, and all the “he’ll be fine” comments made me cry. </p>

<p>No doubt, my heart is breaking that he is leaving. With a mariner husband, and this one leaving, I will be totally lost and having to figure out what I’m going to do with my life other than become a workaholic.</p>

<p>My older son went off to college and completely was not prepared. Lasted one year and failed three or four classes because he stopped going to class. School wasn’t his forte’, but computers were and now he has a job with a nationally known author/talkshow host at only 23. I explain my fears of my last son also lacking the motivation, but he repeatedly tells me “I’m not like him…I love to learn”. When I self-analyze I guess my own failure to complete college comes into play. No mother ever wants her child to fail, and I guess I am questioning whether my parenting abilities have been enough to prepare him to take on the world. I pray I have.</p>

<p>:) The good news is he HAS built ME an awesome house on Sims3! :)</p>

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<p>My son was almost exactly like yours. My take on it was that the upcoming transition to college and living away from home was making him anxious, but that he did not want to admit that to anyone else, or even, really, to himself. So he avoided the college-related emails and facebook messages, and just generally acted as if nothing was going to change in the fall!</p>

<p>He had worked so hard in high school, though (not even a single B on his transcript), that I decided to just let him relax and do what he wanted for that one last summer before heading off to college.</p>

<p>So after an extremely relaxing summer, with lots of computer time, off he went. And sure enough, he made Dean’s List both semesters, again with no B’s. </p>

<p>My two cents: don’t worry, he’ll be fine.</p>

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<p>They can’t work on everything at once. Your kid is an academic powerhouse. It just stands to reason that something had to suffer.</p>

<p>He’ll get it. Developmental stages.</p>

<p>I like something the Navaho said: Lead a child back on the path with a feather. Easy does it.</p>

<p>And don’t beat yourself up.</p>

<p>And enjoy him.</p>

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<p>"No doubt, my heart is breaking that he is leaving. With a mariner husband, and this one leaving, I will be totally lost and having to figure out what I’m going to do with my life other than become a workaholic.
"</p>

<p>Do check the empty nest thread posted at the top of the Parents Cafe board. If your son’s going off to college is reminding of how you dropped out, you also may wish to consider enrolling as a part time student and working toward your own college degree.</p>

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<p>Just another suggestion. Is it possible for you or your husband (or both) to take a day off soon, before the leaving day. Tell you son you would like to take a day off to spend with him - do some fun stuff - go the local zoo, see a movie - have a great meal (and maybe get a little shopping in) - take a day to just plain enjoy each other, get him out of the house, etc.</p>

<p>I think you’ll be really glad you did after he’s off to college.</p>

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<p>Whether or not you can spend individual days with the kid, try to find room for a night or weekend with the spouse… It will relieve lots of stress from having the kid home, plus nice for mom and dad.
Preview the “empty nest” at some nice spot…</p>

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<p>Quit naggin him so much. He is more than well aware of what is coming up. It really irritated me when my dad kept bugging me the entire summer before college about annoying crap–much like what you described–which I was totally cognizant about and had taken care of. I believe there is a common phrase used to describe this called ‘fouling the nest,’ but I like to call it ‘parents b1tchin about nothing.’</p>

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<p>He may be conflicted about this next phase (as you are) He’s excited and ready to move on and, at the same time, he may be nervous and uneasy about the next step. And if he is like our son, there is no way he would admit it (and maybe he doesn’t recognize it.)</p>

<p>He has shown you that he has the academic chops to make it in college. Unless he needs to acquire specific skills before he leaves, such as doing laundry or handling money, he will probably be fine.</p>

<p>I think it is wise to let him chill. Continue to ask him to help with specific chores, but, unless you have a logical deadline, let it go that he didn’t get it done in the morning. You will feel both feel better about your relationship in the first months of college and he might be more likely to ask for advice if this last month isn’t fraught with tension.</p>

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<p>Having gone through something like this with my oldest, the best advice I got was to pick my battles. Decide what is really important and, if that line is crossed, then say something - otherwise let it go.</p>

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<p>My ds was exasperating as well last year. Looking back I think his inertia was really caused by some trepidation about what was to come. Apologies for the gender stereotyping, but boys have a harder time articulating that sort of thing. I couldn’t get my ds to spend an hour shopping for dorm needs, and he did everything at the last possible minute. While I wouldn’t exactly say a pall hung over us last summer, there was this undercurrent of change in everything, and it was difficult. </p>

<p>Just know it’s a difficult transitional time. I expected more enthusiasm for the whole process and I interpreted his lack as laziness. I think now he was just scared, and I think he was feeling a lot of conflict about leaving home. He was ready, he was chomping at the bit to go, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t also feeling some anxiety. My friend’s daughter was sitting in the kitchen talking about which comforter to take to school when she burst into tears and she said,
“It will never be the same. It will never be like this, with me living here again.” My friend reassured her that she’d be home for breaks and the summer and they’d have lots of family time.</p>

<p>Whether he shows it or not, your son is aware that he’s leaving. I gave up with the pushing to get things done. I said,“This is when I’m free to shop. If you want me to pay for it then you should go with me.” My son also said,“I don’t need any of that.” He was adamant that he didn’t need an umbrella. He called me in less than a month and said,“I think I need an umbrella.”</p>

<p>So your son seems to be acting exactly like mine did last summer. I heard a lot of this from my friends as well. I thought my ds would be excited at orientation, but he really wasn’t. I could tell he was nervous. He opted out of spending the night in the dorm and stayed at the hotel with me so that was a pretty clear indicator. The good news is he was very happy at his school and he had a great freshman year. Hang in there. It gets a lot easier.</p>

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<p>Take up bikeriding! :)</p>

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<p>"I couldn’t get my ds to spend an hour shopping for dorm needs, and he did everything at the last possible minute. "</p>

<p>This is the type of thing that parents needn’t worry about</p>

<p>They don’t need to shop for those things while at home. They can get those things on campus or nearby after they get to college and see their rooms. Many colleges even have shulttle service freshmen week to malls so students can get supplies. If that doesn’t exist, they can get rides with other students or take public transportation.</p>

<p>There’s no need to sour the last days before students go to college by nagging them into getting those things while they’re at home. If they have problems once on campus, then that will be their challenge to solve, and they’ll manage to solve it. It’s not like getting dorm supplies is a life and death matter.</p>

<p>S and I had a nice time getting his supplies when I brought him to college. Older S had the same experience when my husband brought him to his college.</p>

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<p>OP-
Um, are you sure you aren’t me? My 18 year old bright, funny, Eagle Scout with all his AP credits and scholarships and extracurricular activities is… sitting playing computer games all day. Every day.</p>

<p>Ugh. </p>

<p>I feel your pain.</p>

<p>I’m with the folks who are more worried about the video game addiction. We are thinking about not letting him take his gaming computer to school, and only letting him have the “weak” laptop (read, good for school, not for video games) until he’s had a successful semester. Jury’s still out on that one, but it’s a concern.</p>

<p>He leaves in a month. In three weeks he heads to Europe with his brothers for 10 days. That will be a sharp change in everything, and then he’ll be setting up at school.</p>

<p>Until then, this too shall pass.</p>