<p>Plenty of announcements are due in the next hours. With 18 to 19 rejections and polite waitlisting offers out of every 20 applications at the most selective schools, the decision days are mostly a somber affair. </p>
<p>On the heels of the 2,600 posts thread that turned into a USAMO against the ROW slugfest, it might be good to explore how to address the negative news and help regain positive news. </p>
<p>While it is totally expected to hear about crapshoot and the ubuquitous claim of racial or economic discrimination, it is best to shrug them off as none of the correct explanations will ever appease the applicant who thinks he got screwed by racist or elitist forces. </p>
<p>But, what about the rest of the DS and DD who will be crushed? What can be said to them? And, perhaps equally important, what can be said to the parents who take the results even harder than the kids.</p>
<p>However, I do wish all the best to people who are waiting to hear the news from their top choices!</p>
<p>I will try to think of something helpful to post, about what to say to students/parents who are disappointed–not that I have never thought about this, just that I don’t think that I have come up with the best thing to say, so far.</p>
<p>With respect to a top school, I continue to think that if someone has had the record to put up a credible, reputable application, then they’ve shown that they have what it takes, regardless of whether they actually get in or not.</p>
<p>I also think that if you look at a school’s published acceptance rate, that is the % you should have in mind - I think it is *insane * to look at, say, Harvard’s 5% rate and think that you have anything more than a 5% chance of getting in, under any circumstance. I think too many students (and parents) on CC think that the 5% doesn’t apply to them. (Substitute your favorite school for Harvard, of course - just using them as an example.)</p>
<p>I think the best way to deal with disappointment is to acknowledge your feelings while simultaneously reminding yourself that good things have happened or will happen in the future. Most students who have been rejected have other options, and if not–there are gap years, there is the ability to transfer. I have never seen a situation on CC where no one had advice to give, so there really isn’t much that isn’t salvageable! </p>
<p>This time in 2007, I was rejected and waitlisted at my last four schools within 20 minutes, including the school that both of my parents attended. It was in fact a Big Disappointment. To be honest, it continued to be a disappointment in the back of my head for over a year. But, in the interim, I had other good options, and I chose my favorite of those, and now I wouldn’t give back going to Wellesley for all the [parent’s school]s in the world. </p>
<p>Disappointments don’t go away. None of us get every single thing we want in this world. I had a disappointment myself this week–I had applied to a fellowship program that would allow me to move into the profession that I desire with a lot of support, especially monetary, and I found out that I wasn’t accepted. The monetary advantage and overall niceness of this fellowship was significant, but I am not nearly as disappointed as I was 6 years ago. Why? I applied and was accepted to other programs that would allow me to do everything this program allowed (without the monetary advantage, of course!). The goal was to enter my desired profession, and that goal has been achieved. This is a GOOD outcome! And so is college admissions for most students, even if it doesn’t seem so at this (fleeting) moment in time. </p>
<p>So, even in the face of Big Disappointment, maintaining perspective–even if you don’t really believe that things will work out–is critically important. The fake it 'til you make it credo :). The only truly bad outcome, in my opinion, is a chip on one’s shoulder that lasts a lifetime, and that is something that the individual absolutely CAN control.</p>
<p>The only advice I would give to parents is that once your kid stops talking about it, you need to stop talking about it. </p>
<p>I can still feel a few of my kids’ disappointments in my gut, long after the pain has worn away from them. (I still get riled up about the ump’s bad call when my now 20 year old D was playing in a softball tournament in 2nd grade!) </p>
<p>Sometimes it is far easier for the student to move on than the parents…if you’ve wanted your D to attend your alma mater since the day she was born, and she’s wanted to attend for a year, you can see how a parent’s disappointment may last longer. But shut up about it…you may feel the disappointment for a very long time, but be an adult and keep it to yourself.</p>
<p>Edited to add: I would use softer words when speaking to a disappointed parent…</p>
<p>“Ubiquitous claim of racial discrimination.” No it is not totally expected to hear it. When I hear it, I’m shocked and dismayed as I hope most people are. BTW, ubiquitous is a poor choice of words. Such racial rants are thankfully few in number</p>
<p>sosomenza, I note that you have been a member here for three months, although I’m sure like many of us you lurked for a while before joining. It may be that you have not yet been through a whole admissions season here. In any event, you should probably steel yourself a bit, because the level of racial resentment is going to spike up for a while, starting in about 15 minutes.</p>
<p>Sosomenza, while ubiquitous is too strong a word perhaps, brace yourself for one recurrent theme that appears routinely after the offers of admission come out. Expect plenty of Espenshade quotations! :)</p>
<p>D got her last decision last Saturday (OOS rejection from UNC-CH). I went through the whole slate of emotions in about 24 hours and then moved on to the whole question of what’s still on the table and how best can we help her decide. </p>
<p>It’s necessary to process disappointment. Telling someone “Thems the breaks.” is dehumanizing and offensive.</p>
<p>After two kids, I’m preparing myself mentally for what I will say if S3 gets a rejection letter this weekend. It’s not a terribly difficult school to get into. It has a 40% acceptance rate BUT you just don’t know. He got waitlisted at an out of state public where he should have been a shoe-in. It’s a wild ride. He’s guardedly happy to go to one of the schools he is accepted and he’s enrolled to get a decent dorm there and it’s actually ‘ranked’ higher than the one he is waiting for…but you know the hearts of kids and as a parent I know he won’t engage with any of the schools where’s he’s been accepted until he knows the answer from ‘the one.’ He thinks he won’t know until we get home from our ski trip, but I have a friend who is going to bring our mail in and will ‘call’ my cell if the “big envelope” arrives. This college does not do e-mail notification. One can hope. For the first time ever I think I’m on more pins and needles than any of my kids.</p>
<p>Attending one of these colleges is a heck of a lot more fun than applying to them. I’m glad I’ll never have to go through this again with my kids!</p>
<p>My mother and I have been talking about this, and she actually thinks I’ve been more affected than I actually am. What I’m telling people (and what I’m doing myself) is not dwelling on the rejections and throwing myself into the places where I have gotten in: exploring majors more in depth, dance programs, internship opportunities, civic engagement, financial aid details, visit programs… The net result is that I actually end up liking all of my choices equally more, but I honestly gave my rejections (the two of them today and the one last week) about five seconds of thought before I pushed them out of my mind. I never had a single dream school-- I made myself love all of them, and that’s where I’m starting this month of decision making from.</p>
<p>This was a very difficult year, and we had many difficult choices to be made among upteen thousand excellent applicants.</p>
<p>Your application was excellent, yadda, yadda, yadda. But we just couldn’t accept all the well-qualified applicants, yadda, yadda, yadda.</p>
<p>You didn’t make the cut. Next time, choose your parents better. It really didn’t have anything to do with you. A couple of million for the new climbing wall, and you would have been better qualified.</p>
D seems pretty good with it. She still has 6 candidates that she hasn’t whittled down much. Oy vey.</p>