"Bragging" about my College Acceptance

and about “informed my friends and everyone else about my achievement”,

Grace and humility can be among our shyest attributes but well worth coaxing out and allowing them to take control over some of our other traits. Friends agonizing over hearing from colleges, while perhaps glad for you at some level, are not going to appreciate you parading your "achievement’. Think about someone suffering due to starving whose friend describes the dinner she just had. (yea an exaggeration but sometimes it’s easier to convey a point that way).

And, as I noted, being accepted by Wellesley isn’t simply your “achievement”. It is the outcome of an admissions process that considers factors that are not the least bit related to things you’ve actually accomplished. That isn’t to say that your accomplishments don’t contribute. But so does being a legacy. Lucky you, born in a family that confers certain privileges not shared by others. There is nothing wrong with that, at least in terms of what you’ve done (I oppose legacy/development admits and believe that more, not less, ought to be expected of them to avoid rejection). And, I’m sure you worked very hard and are highly capable. But so are tons of others whose portals will deliver a very different message than you received.

I say all this not to make you feel badly. But, if you were genuinely seeking advice to change the situation and have a result whereby your friends feel better; then you can’t really fake it. You have to embrace grace and humility and take seriously the idea that getting into Wellesley isn’t about your “achievement” in the same way being rejected wouldn’t have been about your “failures”. Most of us “old timers” who suggest students not take rejections as indices about ones values/worth also don’t view acceptances as indices of ones value/worth. It’s not all a “crap shoot” but college admissions involves producing an outcome (admitted or not) of a complex process involving many variables; many that have nothing to do with the student him/her self.

So if you take these point seriously, then you won’t feel that getting into Wellesley was your “achievement”. That understanding will prevent you from saying and doing things that come across as arrogant. It will be easier for you to express empathy (as opposed to sympathy) to others. Those you come across will appreciate you more.

The key to a caring friendship is to listen to what your friend is telling you and make adjustments in what you share based on what she says, recognizing HER needs as well as your own.

I think the prom metaphor by @gardenstategal is a good one.

Of course, you should announce to your friends that you got into your dream college and share your excitement with them! (Just like you’d tell your friends that you invited the guy you’ve had a crush on since 8th grade to the prom and he said yes.) We share our news with those we care about!

But then, if those friends have not yet heard from their colleges, don’t spend a lot of time telling them about all the details- what you are buying for your dorm room decor, etc.— just like you would not keep telling your friend every detail about the limo and flowers and dress if she does not have a prom date yet and is feeling anxious about that fact.

It is the balance of sharing your joy without increasing their anxiety, being sensitive to the fact that they are in a different place in the process from where you are.

Pick up on cues. Listen to your friend. She is telling you what she needs. Be a caring friend to her.

Congratulations and best wishes.

It’s EQ, “emotional quotient.” Aka emotional savvy and control. Part sensitivity to others, part restraint, not railroading over others but knowing what and when. And not blaming them for not being comfortable. All part of growing up.

Update: Thank you, everyone, for your input. I understand now that I’ve honestly probably should’ve been more considerate about my friend’s feelings and comments of support encouraged me to have a one on one conversation about our feelings. We’ve realized this problem wasn’t only just about me talking about my College but also a friendship problem that we’ve had and never addressed. I’m happy to say that we’ve worked out this problem and it has brought us closer in friendship.

Good…but now change your passcode because your friends probably know it because they know when you found out.