<p>I’m sorry, but lying that something is done when it is not is never ok. Son needs to get the message “Telling me bad news makes me unhappy but lying about bad news is a double disaster”. </p>
<p>Perhaps it is time to throw in the towel for a semester or two. DH cannot be “helping” if he is telling student when to eat. That is massive micromanagement. Students don’t always have the same eating cycle that older adults do. Students also have to learn (sometimes the hard way) when the dining hall closes and how they feel when they’ve missed three meals. </p>
<p>If your guy would “hate” being home, then what is HIS alternative? </p>
<p>Years ago a wise woman pointed out that I tend to rush in with a solution – and that my family would “own” their portion of family life if I was not so quick to rush in. </p>
<p>What’s wrong with saying “We love you very much. We can’t continue to support you financially and emotionally because we clearly are not helping you find your way in life. We are open to your suggestions but we are not repeating this particular semester again. . .ever. Please let us know what you plan to do next.” ? Then go away and be quiet --perhaps for weeks – perhaps until the end of the semester. </p>
<p>There doesn’t have to be screaming – or sad eyed looks of disappointment – just very practical firmness as one does with the hairstylist that has a different vision than you have. </p>
<p>Please consider putting the shoe on the other foot. Instead of you leaping in to solve the problems, tell son it is now his turn to convince you to open your wallet – for tuition, for spending money and definitely for frat fees. I wouldn’t be quick to be impressed either. One can say “ok, that’s a good start, but we need more” more than once.</p>
<p>“On the life coach suggestion, DH has filled that role. H is on the phone with S many times a day - calls to get him up, eat, get to class, status of homework. DH has his schedule memorized and helps S with organization and remembering things. S both appreciates/relies on DH and at the same time resents the heck out of it. Also, S has turned into a masterful liar, telling DH that he has completed assignments, attended class and even shown up for mid-terms when he has not. And then afterward he feels badly about what he did and cries.”</p>
<p>I suggest that whether or not your son will go into therapy that you and your husband go into therapy with a therapist familiar with parents of Aspie kids. </p>
<p>To me, it sounds like your S needs to be at home since you have to do so much to keep him organized. If the only way that your son can function in college is by you and your husband’s telling him when to eat, do homework, etc., it’s not reasonable for him to go to a college outside of your area.</p>
<p>Did you have to micromanage your son like that when he was in high school?</p>
<p>I know absolutely nothing about AS except what has been said on here and two other threads.</p>
<p>However, what I will say is that the OPs son is behaving like many, many college students. Lying about homework assignments and grades, being forced to go to college, phone calls to wake him up in the morning, playing on the internet, spending time with friends instead of studying. Those traits aren’t confined to a particualr mental disorder, those traits are present in a lot of college students!</p>
<p>Labelling the student won’t help except provide an excuse for poor academic performance. What will help is finding a situation that works better than the one he is currently in. This is true whether or not he has any kind of mental disorder.</p>
<p>This is the kind of comment that is unhelpful to the original poster, and other parents with similar children. We already knew that lying was unacceptable! We don’t want our sons to lie to us! We don’t want them to skip class and get behind in assignments either! We wish they could function without micromanagement! We wish for world peace, and a pony too, but that doesn’t mean we can get what we want.</p>
<p>Lying is unacceptable in our society. Plain and simple. Applying a label to a person doesn’t excuse unacceptable behavior. Sorry Cardinal. It’s how things work in our country.</p>
<p>OP, if he can’t/won’t go to class even with daily phone calls from your husband, I don’t know what more you can do. Maybe you just need to let him flunk out and look at your options from there. Yeah, your son would hate to be home, but what else is going to happen if he keeps skipping classes, mid-terms, etc?</p>
<p>Perhaps I should have phrased it differently because I have also had the experience of a good kid lying to cover up a mess. </p>
<p>The message, then, is more along the lines of "you are feeling crowded and ashamed and then tell a story to cover up the mess – but then when the story comes out as a big cover up then we have a mess PLUS a cover up. Please don’t dig the hole deeper. Be brave enough to tell me that we have a problem. I love you and will never disown you. I may grump at you but you need to be man/woman enough to own the situation. </p>
<p>Acknowledging that there is a mess is the first step toward finding a path out of the woods. Please know that I will always respect the courage it takes for you to speak up about a shortcoming. If I forget that with my grumping, you can remind me that I am to respect your courage. "</p>
<p>Applying a label to a person, if the label is correct, can be the first step to changing the behavior. When someone stands up at an AA meeting and says, “I’m Bill, and I’m an alcoholic,” he doesn’t think it’s just dandy to drunk himself to a stupor and ruin the lives of his family members, even if that is what he has been doing. He is admitting he is an alcoholic, and now must do the things alcoholics do to achieve sobriety.</p>
<p>A family very close to me had this problem and the failing student took a year off. The student stayed in the university area and worked. This worked miracles. The student returned to campus motivated and with a new major. One important thing is to withdraw from those potentially failing courses rather than taking an F, if it can be done.</p>
<p>The older S gets, the more convinced I am that kids shouldn’t become adults before the age of 21. I know that this is not really related to the subject of this thread, but it would help if parents would be able to speak directly and openly with colleges about possible solutions when a kid has for example Asperger’s. The world is so much bigger now and life is far more complex than what it used to be. I get the feeling that our college kids, whether they have Asperger or not, are in need of much more emotional help than what what my generation was in need of. Of course there are many exceptions, but I’m still wondering whether it was wise to change the legal adult age from 21 to 18.</p>
<p>Thank you for everyone’s mostly kind responses. In retrospect, S would have benefitted from a gap year. I suggested it, but I was outvoted (S +H). In response to the poster who wonders why S needs to be reminded to eat, when S is having what we call a “relapse” - he’s on the Internet all night, sleeps through class, and the pattern repeats itself over a couple of days - he does NOT eat, and in particular, he does not eat breakfast. This screws up his medication, most of which needs to be taken in the morning and with some food in his stomach. When he has a regular schedule - up in the morning, breakfast, meds, he is better able to stay in control and on track. When he gets off his medication, then things fall apart. He seems to go through cycles, days or weeks of going to class and doing all or most of his work. Then he gets sucked into something on the Internet, stays up all night, sleeps through classes, and then he’s lost for a couple of days. If he has missed enough class or work, then he panics and stops doing work or attending class. TMI? Sorry. This is what we’re dealing with.</p>
<p>Not eating breakfast is typical of college studnets. I didn’t eat breakfast once my freshman year (my meal plan only covered lunch and dinner) and my sophmore year only rarely even though I had an unlimited meal plan. </p>
<p>Taking medication on schedule is important, and especially so for your son. I’m not saying it’s ok not to eat breakfast, but trying to put some perspective in it. Most of his friends probably sleep in late and don’t eat breakfast as well.</p>
<p>All I can really say is it sounds like today is not the right time for you son to be in college. He’s not making good progress toward his degree and his time in college doesn’t sound like it’s being used beneficially. Perhaps being out of school for a few years and working a lower end job will show your son that he should get his act together and get through school.</p>
<p>Some people will say it’s due to the Aspergers, and perhaps it is, but regardless he will need to make changes in life that he can influence in order to suceed at college. And he must be at least somewhat successful if he got accept into a fraternity and into an Ivy league school.</p>
<p>I wish you luck with the situation. I know it must be tough. However, all is not lost and you can go back to college anytime you like. It’s harder later on but still can be done.</p>
<p>I feel for you OP, but clearly if you have to support your son in the way you describe (calling to remind to wake, calling to remind to take meds, etc.etc.) this is a kid who is not prepared for the freedom and self direction necessary for college life. Hopefully you and your husband can come to grips with the current situation and move forward in a way that will benefit both of you as well as your son. I don’t agree with everything Bigtrees is trying to say, but I think the crux of what Bigtress is saying is correct…that regardless of the underlying issue or issues you need to make a change. In my opinion it might be best to make a move before he is dismissed from the college with no opportunity to return. If I were in your shoes I would want to leave that door ajar for the future before the college shuts and locks the door.</p>
<p>It seems like it would all be fixed if he could be convinced that the right thing to do is to not stay up all night on the internet, get regular sleep, eat breakfast and take medication every morning. Aspies do like their routines and can be very stuck in their habits. The question is, how to get him to change those habits? The internet is so addicting…particularly for obsessive types. And he has to want to do so. God knows it’s impossible to control kids at this age anymore!</p>
<p>I am very thankful that my son decided there were more interesting things to do at his school than spending his entire life on the internet (because we were very worried about that), and changed to a major that he absolutely loved. That is so important for the all obsessive asperger’s kid, they must be entranced by their classes. And find healthy addictions, because they certainly will find something to be absorbed by. As a parent, it is such a relief to hear about the social connections, so you probably really don’t want him to change schools.</p>
<p>I don’t want to sound unkind, but any student who needs that level of micromanagement, regardless of the disability label, is absolutely not ready for a rigorous residential program. I would find another college close to home.</p>
<p>If your son has internet addiction issues (and thinks they’re a problem), there are lots of computer programs that can help. One, “Self-Control”, which is for Macs, allows you to create an internet block list and prevents you from visiting sites on that list for a time you specify. </p>
<p>Getting work done if you have this problem is almost impossible if you have a mind that wanders and wonders because the internet is always there and infinitely interesting. Having your main leisure activity sit right next to your main work instrument is simply a bad idea. Using an internet-blocking program like that is weird and frustrating because you see just how many times you tab over to a favorite site to read something (<a href=“http://xkcd.com/477/[/url]”>http://xkcd.com/477/</a>), sort of like grabbing just another potato chip from the bowl at a party. Ultimately, I can find new things that aren’t on my bad list to visit, but I am amazed at how much more I get done when I am not spending my time on message boards like this one.</p>
<p>Your son might want to consider taking as many classes as he can that have work that does not involve a computer (art, theater, math classes with written homework only), though if getting to class in the first place is a bother, this may not help much.</p>
<p>Hallomar, I just scanned your posting and some of the replies briefly and it seems like most of your replies came from people who don’t “get” AS. I am no pro on this, but the AS kids I have known, and others who are somewhere ‘on the spectrum,’ all seem to have issues like you describe in their initial college years. If they pick the wrong college and/or don’t work on the life management piece before heading off to college, most will end up tranferring out / dropping out / flunking out, which is a real shame. </p>
<p>IMHO, reassessing the college he is attending is something to consider. The kids with AS that I have known are very capable intellectually but tend not to do well in that kind of environment. Their support services merely meet the letter of the law with ADA and they tend not to have the structure, programs or staff perspective to really deal with this.</p>
<p>Most parents of students with AS are very well informed, so I assume you are aware of some of the colleges that are very “asperger’s friendly” and/or transition programs that help them learn those life management skills. </p>
<p>Best of luck, it breaks my heart reading this! But he can and willl be successful!</p>
<p>So glad you posted this, I was going to say something similar. I know others with AS and ADHD and messing with sleep cycles and meds can really interrupt their thought processes. I can’t say I know why, but I have seen it. I would also say to check those meds at intervals to make sure they are still working. I have seen them “run their course” over time. Maybe too much non-sleeping? Inconsistent eating? Best of luck to you. Of the two people I now with AS, one I could see going to college and the other, not at all. You’ve done a great job to get him this far :).</p>