"Broken" child can't decide on anything

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi, College Confidential! My name is Whit, and I volunteer at a local program that assists at-risk youth with their education. Most of the kids I work with are younger, and all I do is tutor, but there is an older girl who needs help that I don't think I'm capable of giving. I would like all of your input, as I have heard colleagues say that it's a good place to ask college-related questions. </p>

<p>She comes from a relatively well-off household--the only reason she is in the program is because her family grossly misunderstood the program description. We're not known to turn anyone away, though, and we still help her with a few things. She's home schooled by her parents, and takes online courses to accumulate high school credit. (I think she is only supposed to be a freshman this next year, but I may be wrong.) She has begun to think about college and what she will major in, and she can't handle it. Her parents anticipate her entering undergraduate school at around 17, and entering graduate school less than 4 years later. </p>

<p>On the topic of her parents, they seem to be good people. I don't think I have the qualifications to say whether or not they are good parents, but I have been told that they place an enormous amount of responsibility on the child. I don't know if it is true or not, but the girl has told me that her parents tell her things like, "Stop being so stressed out." "Stop crying." "Stop saying you're sorry.", which is a parenting technique that I disagree with tremendously. It's not like they abuse her or anything, though, so I can't really complain. </p>

<p>To put things simply, she doesn't think she is good enough. She has told me that her humanities-related grades are good, but that she is terrified that she isn't strong enough to enter a business-related field, and that she is not good enough to separate herself from other writers if she entered a creative field. She is interested in different STEM schools, but has told me (on the verge of tears) that she isn't smart enough, and that the only reason she has a high B in her math courses is because she cheats on virtually every test. It majorly worries me that students today are so scared of failure that they're willing to compromise their own integrity for a number.</p>

<p>She took an impromptu SAT practice test (with no essay) and got a 610 in reading and a 420 in math. She believes this is proof that she won't be able to get into a school--I say they're the scores of a very smart girl who has only taken a single high school math class. </p>

<p>I've had kids who are indecisive before, and I've suggested they go to a school that they like and go undeclared for their first year while they take out core courses, which is what I did. However, with the strict time frame that her parents have given her, I don't know if that is sound advice. I know that she has 2-3 years to sort all of this out, but I honestly don't feel good throwing up my hands and assuming she'll figure it out on her own. What do you guys think?</p>

<p>(Sorry if this is the wrong thread to post in :) )</p>

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<p>Do you have HS contacts in a guidance department? Perhaps a HS counselor can help you find ways to help this girl. This sounds like emotional abuse to me. It is good her parents got her into your program- she is at risk for failure due to her parenting. </p>

<p>It sounds like she is isolated from other kids due to being home schooled as well. The best thing you can do for her is to help her take ownership of her life and learning. She needs to want to learn and not just pass tests. She needs to do this for herself and not to please her parents. Your resources are good for her- she needs to become her own person, with HER goals et al. </p>

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<p>I think that you have absolutely nothing to do with the future of this kid. She is not a child any more and she has her family. They have to decide about her future, and you cannot. There are many concequences of this decision, including financial, parents age/health, other siblings,…etc, very very many. You really have to stay as far as you could from this process. Just tutor her in whatever skills she needs to be tutored and leave decision making to the family. My own D. has been involved with a lot of tutoring at various levels, including somethin similar to what you are describing. Never ever I heard from her that she is planning helping somebody with their future plans. yes, she was helping with application, with specific science classes, with the foreign language, but not with anything personal like you have mentioned. I believe that you have to be lisenced for this type of work and can only performed it if hired.</p>

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<p>Since when is telling a child to “stop being so stressed out” or to “stop crying” emotional abuse? I do not think you have enough information about this girl’s circumstances to make any determination about anything. I agree with a previous poster that strategizing a college process is something best left to guidance counselor and parents. There is too much involved including financial considerations that you and the student may not be privy to. My advice would be to stick to the tasks you volunteered for. </p>

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<p>Who runs this program? Can you talk to them and see if they observe the same things you do? </p>

<p>Is she asking for specific help or are you gathering this on your own?</p>

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<p>I think you can encourage her and help her self-esteem if she feels she is not good enough. Beyond that, she may need counseling and it doesn’t sound like you are qualified for that. However, the organization you volunteer for may have additional resources. Also, you can help her work on her math skills because it does sound like a difficult subject for her.</p>

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<p>The program has a huge focus on both education and personal life. Many of the volunteers have/are studying social sciences or a related subject (I graduated from NYU with a Sociology major in '12) and I use the term “volunteer” pretty loosely. We’re not paid for our work, and we receive community service hours for it, but many of us will probably take on paid internships later in the summer, and some of us may receive a full-time employment elsewhere in the organization. This is exactly the kind of work I am anticipated to do on a day to day basis, I have just never encountered such a complex situation before. I typically counsel kids whose parents are abusive, who are harassed at school, who have mental illness or who self-harm. Personal issues aren’t our sole focus, but it is a focus.</p>

<p>@wis75, I have spoken with a couple of HS counselors in the area. One suggests that I refer her to a therapist, or someone considerably more qualified than myself to speak with her on a weekly basis. She suspects she may have some kind of anxiety problem, or at the least a self-esteem problem. I just don’t know how well that would be received.</p>

<p>To be fair, I don’t consider it to be emotional abuse, but I don’t think it is helping. I can speak from personal experience that as someone who is incredibly stressed and pressured, the last thing you need to is also have people undermine your feelings by telling you that you need to just “stop.” </p>

<p>Edit:</p>

<p>@surfcity, We are assigned kids, typically in groups. We’re responsible for holding group study sessions, and also micro-support group talks. (The kids will discuss things they’re worried about, things they’re excited about, things they’re thinking about. It allows the kids to work on being better speakers and better listeners.) I’m also expected to have occasional one-on-one sessions with the kids, where we will review progress reports and talk about how things at home are doing. All of this information has come out after about a month of working with her. I’ve spoken with higher-ups, and they ask that I do what @jeannemar has done, which is perform some self-esteem exercises with her and the rest of the group, which seem to be working on some level. I’m just here because I feel like gathering as many viewpoints as possible. </p>

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<p>So, what did you do in that situation? </p>

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<p>So you are talking about 14-year-olds correct? This is actually pretty normal behavior. This age can be very easily over-whelmed and dramatic. A generally successful girl can go through a period of major insecurity and make a lot of assumptions about what her parents expect of her. Many kids this age will feel they are being unfairly put-upon for simple things like being asked to put dishes away after dinner.</p>

<p>Have I ever told my D to “stop crying” or “stop stressing out?” Oh, you bet. Particularly as a young teen. D is high IQ and high talent… felt like a failure and a loser freshman and sophomore year of high school. D was prone to these emotional rants and if not caught early, would spiral out-of-control. Sometimes, she really needed an adult to step in and yank her out of it… just long enough for her to calm down, regain some perspective and start thinking rationally. By 16, she’d matured a lot, her hormones started to settle (or at least she started to recognize when her hormones were turning an “annoying” problem into a “devastating” problem.) She started to actually ask us what we thought instead of assuming what we thought. The college process was stressful for her too and there was a lot of indecisiveness but it was equivalent to what every other teenager we knew going through it was feeling.</p>

<p>You’ve got to remember that often kids from comfortable homes over-stress things like school and college because they’ve never had to stress things like the power being turned off or parents not being able to afford the mortgage. Their perspective is totally out of whack. They truly don’t comprehend that struggling in math or getting some “B’s” is just small potatoes. It’s why our teens in the U.S. are statistically more stressed out than kids in Israel who witness busses getting blown-up on the way to school.</p>

<p>I would focus on positive energy and self-esteem building. Do not feed the insecurity monster. Don’t combat everything she says with “but you are so smart and pretty.” Instead stick to facts and figures. Of course she can get into a college. Most aren’t all that difficult to get into. Get her to think outside herself. Get her tutoring or helping other kids… volunteer work, as you know, really helps give you some perspective on life. That’s really all you can do in your position.</p>

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<p>And, please don’t call her “broken”. That’s not helpful at all. </p>

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<p>It’s my impression that he wasn’t calling her that, he was mirroring either what the parents explicitly said, or his impression of what the parents think of their kid. Or perhaps how she sees herself. </p>

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<p>I have concerns about OP making judgments about the way the child is parented. While the student’s parents may employ parenting techniques that OP “disagrees with tremendously”, this seems to go beyond what OP volunteers for and it is really not relevant. These types of things can snowball into Division of Youth and Family Services showing up at someone’s door. I would utilize whatever resources are readily available to you within the organization that you are volunteering for, and leave it at that. Let her parents decide if their daughter might need additional professional help.</p>

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<p>Perhaps you could introduce her to some colleges like Evergreen State, with near-open admissions policies, to let her know that she can and will get in somewhere. </p>

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<p>While I suspect the parents methods are not particularly helpful to this girl, you don’t have nearly enough information to say it’s “emotional abuse”. I’d focus on calming her down, whether it’s through self-esteem exercises or giving her helpful facts. i.e. Most colleges in the US accept anyone who applies, her SAT scores are perfectly respectable for a high school freshman and are likely to improve, most kids her age don’t know what they will be when they grow up and that’s fine, no one is good at everything etc. etc. If she seems to want professional help, you can point her to the resources your community offers - however what she can take advantage of will depend on how on board her parents are with the idea of counseling. I agree that to some extent this sort of anxiety is in the normal range for this age.</p>

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<p>I like the idea of calming her down by letting her know she will go to college somewhere. It is early to know where. Try to build her up while doing your job. Her anxiety may be normal for her age or she may be more tightly wound than usual. If she isn’t around her peers much, she may not know how normal she is. That is one way you could help reassure her, let her know that plenty of freshmen feel the way she feels. </p>

<p>Her parents telling her to suck it up isn’t necessarily abuse. It sounds harsh to you and me, but it isn’t unusual. </p>

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<p>It’s well and good that you do not turn away anyone who come to the program, but if she is only there because her family " grossly misunderstood the program description", then you may be wasting her time and yours dealing with her issues. How about explaining that your program does not address her issues and work with her where her needs can be met by your program, so that she and her family can seek more directed help? It’s also taking away from your time and focus from those children in your program that can benefit from your resources. You can give her this website, for starters. </p>

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<p>Holy cow!! I have 14 year old that will be a freshman in the fall and he doesn’t plan past tomorrow never less think about a college at this point! Mock SAT? I don’t think he could tell you what the SAT is, never less sit down and take one just for the heck of it. Why on earth are you even discussing college with this girl at this point? I think you are making the situation worse. She just finished Jr. High!!! I am frankly concerned that you are a counselor. Divert her attention to more immediate issues like study skills, and the ramification of cheating rather than trying to plan her college path!</p>

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<p>OP- you need to go to your supervisor and explain that you don’t have enough training to manage the kids in your program. With all due respect, a BA in Sociology does not qualify you to determine if this child needs counseling or a referral or is the victim of poor parenting or whatever. I have volunteered for “kids in crisis” type programs and we were carefully supervised by professionals to make sure that our good intentions did not cross appropriate boundaries.</p>

<p>You sound like a wonderful and caring person but you are in over your head if you have determined that this kid needs anything more than what you and your colleagues provide to the other kids. You have very little basis for making that judgement- and you are certainly empathetic enough to realize that you don’t want to make this kids situation worse because you lack the training to handle it.</p>

<p>Get your supervisor involved in helping you and the other volunteers maintain appropriate boundaries with these kids. I can’t imagine her parents want you so closely involved in hearing about her home life if they honestly thought you were just a tutoring service.</p>

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<p>Whoa folks…here is the original poster’s paragraph on the parents:
“On the topic of her parents, they seem to be good people. I don’t think I have the qualifications to say whether or not they are good parents, but I have been told that they place an enormous amount of responsibility on the child. I don’t know if it is true or not, but the girl has told me that her parents tell her things like, “Stop being so stressed out.” “Stop crying.” “Stop saying you’re sorry.”, which is a parenting technique that I disagree with tremendously. It’s not like they abuse her or anything, though, so I can’t really complain.”</p>

<p>I don’t see the OP rushing to judgment and in fact he or she explicitly says it’s “not like they abuse her or anything.”</p>

<p>I was very impressed by this poster. He or she seems very mature, reasonable, and caring as well as articulate. Clearly some counseling is part of the job, both for individuals and groups. There are plenty of counseling jobs that hire BA’s and BS’s by the way. The OP mentions supervisors.</p>

<p>The main problem here is that a 14 year-old is worrying about college. I wonder what the reason behind the homeschooling is (which I would support in some cases, not in others). Those scores do not reflect potential scores in 2-3 years. Someone needs to tell her, and suggest to the family, that it is too early to worry about this. It might help to tell her there are many selective, even tippy top schools that do not require test scores at all. (Google test optional colleges and show her: fairtest has a list.) Most kids change their majors and being undecided is fine. At her age, undecided is wonderful- tell her lots of changes happen in the next few years.</p>

<p>I have a feeling the parents are feeling and applying pressure because homeschooling forces the family to worry about college prematurely, meaning, worrying about satisfying requirements, and worrying about the need to do even better on SAT’s. Some test optional schools WILL require SAT’s from a homeschooler.</p>

<p>In addition, depending on the homeschooling program and agenda, there may be hyperfocus on the future because not enough is going on in the present. A 14 year-old should be enjoying school (well, many are unhappy, but in theory), exploring interests, developing friendships etc. and not thinking ahead that far. There is a lot of time and life is flexible: why the rigid and accelerated schedule?</p>

<p>Do you have an opportunity to talk with the parents, or does a supervisor there? I think the parents may need some education and enlightenment. Homeschooling should not add pressure to a kid’s life. Perhaps this girl would do better in school, with peers, teachers, counselors around to give her more realistic ideas on what she should be thinking about.</p>

<p>Again, to the OP, I was so impressed by your post and hope you go on to get some higher degrees because the helping fields need people like you.</p>

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<p>Okay, the OP has no business questioning “parenting techniques” based on his perception of a 14-year old girl’s reaction to comments which many posters have made to their own 14-year olds. How anyone would decide the parents need education and enlightenment based on that post is beyond me. Good grief. Tutor her or don’t. The rest of it is not your business. And, it definitely sounds like she is in the wrong program. Why not share that info with the family and get back to helping the kids you’re supposed to help with the problems you’re supposed to be solving?</p>