<p>The parents need help understanding that a 14 year-old does not need to worry about SAT’s and college admissions yet. The OP is picking up on anxiety that presumably is coming from the family. This anxiety about college is shared by some other homeschooling families and may have some practical legitimacy but should not be conveyed excessively to the girl.</p>
<p>I am mystified by the hostility directed at this poster who was articulate, humble and clearly a caring young person. I am so sorry, OP, and would not blame you if you never returned here. </p>
<p>OP wanted differing viewpoints and certainly got them! But it certainly shows how complex it can be. I think the best track (if she stays in the program which may not be the best idea) is to objectively test her skills which you’ve done to some extent by having her take a practice SAT. Test her math skills specifically since she has a potential problem with the subject by her own admission…<br>
As to her anxiety–as has already been stated that could range from “typical teenage angst”, parenting techniques, isolation from peers as a home-schooler (nobody to compare yourself to), a fear of failure based not just on low self-esteem but knowing you haven’t really been educated properly.
Personally, I can’t imagine how stressful it would be to have parents be the teacher too. My dad basically taught me Algebra when I struggled with it at school and while we both survived it (and I learned it TG) it wasn’t the most pleasant experience in my life. To multiply that by every subject and not commiserate with friends about crummy teachers? No thanks, not for me.
I don’t think you can “diagnose” her problem but you could assess her skills and maybe steer her/parents into another program better suited to her whether that be talking with a HS GC, or outside tutoring (parents just aren’t great at everything although we try to be!)</p>
<p>Hi OP — I think you already have done the right thing — you listened. Listening, validating the way she feels without necessarily agreeing is a really good start. As others have said, teens tend towards drama and the level of tears doesn’t always correspond to the actual peril. Keep assuring her that she will figure it out as she goes, just as she has until this point. Remind her that plenty of undecided and seemingly unprepared people are very successful in life , and what she is feeling is normal. Sometimes kids don’t want someone to row the boat, they just need a lighthouse to steer by. </p>
<p>IMHO, it’s waaay to early to worry about college, and the SAt is just a snapshot from one day. It is not the measure of her value as a human being. Be calm, be sure, and don’t join her in worrying. If she keeps at it, ask her what plan would make her feel better — reading about majors? just talking? having a space to not worry? Help her feel less helpless, and keep listening</p>
<p>The OP hasn’t given enough information for people to be able to assess what this family’s home school program is like. Plenty of home educators take online classes for part of the day then spend the rest engaged in activities with friends.</p>
<p>OP, does your service have a method of passing on concerns of the child being tutored? Stress can interfere with learning. If you can mention to your supervisors that this young woman is stressed out thinking about testing and college, they can pass that information on to the parents. It’s up to the parents, at that point, to figure out what to do about it, but at least they’ll have the information. Lots of parents enroll their kids in test prep/tutoring programs. I have no doubt that it stresses some kids out, but I don’t know if there’s much tutors can do about it. Helping her focus on her math so she learns the material should help. However, if your service can’t provide the help she needs, your supervisors should make that clear to this family so they can find a program that does. </p>
<p>I have a couple of ideas about the situation. Keep in mind that none of us know enough to really say what is going on and we are far less qualified to make some kind of “diagnosis”.</p>
<p>One thing that stands out to me is that you describe the girl as isolated, and she might not have a good model of what kids her age are expected to learn. Most 14 year olds might think about college, but many aren’t thinking about it clearly, and few 14 year olds have taken enough classes in different subjects to even think about choosing for certain what they want to study. The source of her stress might be that both she and her parents are expecting her to act like a 17 year old, and the source of her low self esteem might be that she can’t be 17 very well- at 14. Kids her age have hardly started high school classes, and some 17 year olds are not ready for college. </p>
<p>But this doesn’t mean bad parenting or abuse. It might mean that her parents don’t have a good idea of what is age appropriate achievement since she is schooled by them. There are no teacher conferences, no grading curve, no real outside input as to how she compares to her peers. Her verbal SAT is strong for her age and that math will come up as she takes more classes. </p>
<p>I am not critical of the OP, but I share some of the concerns of other posters about him getting too involved because he could be putting himself in danger if he tries to help beyond the boundaries of his position. The OP sounds like a compassionate young man ( I am going to assume that Whit, who graduated in '12 is a young man) who is showing concern for a young teen girl. I am certain the OP sees this girl as just a kid, but she could misinterpret this, even in the total absence of any evidence. Young teen girls can have crushes on stars who don’t even know they exist. </p>
<p>OP don’t overstep the boundaries of your job. If you are concerned, ask a supervisor to observe the group sessions and assess the situation. If there are concerns about her mental health, or home life, have the supervisor hold a session with the parents and make a referral to a counselor. If not, then continue to lead the group sessions, focus on the task at hand- academic tutoring- and do not put yourself in a position where you are alone with her. I really don’t think you are doing anything wrong. You’re kind and compassionate, and you have no other intentions, but you are young, and she might see you more as a peer than an adult. Protect yourself.</p>
<p>You’ve got to make it clear to her that getting a bad grade on a math test can be overcome MUCH more easily than
a record of academic dishonesty. </p>
<p>This goes up the chain. It’s above your level of authority to make a decision/counsel this girl. Glad you took it seriously enough to get input off of CC, but honestly, this has to go to your management.</p>
<p>If she is 14 and worried about colleges and SATs, then that is indeed too early and placing alot of stress on this girl. Can your supervisors do anything about the situation? Help her improve her math skills and show her she has the power to great things. If not, show her that their are other options than just STEM if she’s worried about it and there are a whole alot of options out there in terms of colleges. Her isolation may contribute to her rigid understanding of how the world works, and perhas other options wouldn’t be that bad.</p>
<p>But again, like the other posters mentioned, I’d refrain from getting overly involved with the limited amount of information you have. Your intentions are definitely appreciated, but I don’t know how far is too far. The main thing I’d get her to do is to stop cheating on her tests immediately. If it doesn’t have negative consequences now, it will definitely in the long run. Additionally, show her how to build up study habits, help her with a “can-do” attitude, and show her it is possible to do well in the subjects you mentioned without resorting to cheating.</p>
<p>Good luck in your situation, I realize it’s a complicated one, but I wish the best for you and the girl</p>
<p>The OP sounds like an empathetic, extremely well-meaning young man who is concerned about someone in his program. He knows he doesn’t have the skills to handle it on his own and it is not his mandate and he is seeking advice about what to do. </p>
<p>I have concerns about the hyper-judgmental CC parents here criticizing a young man who wants to do the right thing. My perception is that a number of posters were essentially attacking him, which is no way to be helpful. Any reason not to be civil or to actually read what he wrote before attacking him? </p>
<p>That said, I think @Blossom, @PennyLane, @Consolation, @compmom and @shawnspencer have offered very good advice. You know you are over your head on this. It is time to recognize that the best way to help her is to use your organization to direct her in the right way, not to try things that could be misinterpreted and to help her see that cheating is both prudentially wrong (you can get caught) and substantively wrong (you don’t learn). Cheating is also ethically wrong but that message may make the others harder to swallow when you are trying to convince her to change behavior. It is hard to know from a distance, but it sounds like cognitive behavioral therapy or something like that for anxiety could help.</p>
<p>The fact that she “admits” to cheating sounds like a cry for help to save her from her situation. I think the OPs concern is totally warranted. This sounds like a teen suicide in the making. </p>
<p>I think the OP is doing a wonderful thing caring. I support him/her completely. </p>
<p>Why is everyone afraid to question if this IS emotional abuse. It’s likely not intentional, but what would be so terrible about saying to the parents that
“I don’t know if you noticed, but your daughter has very low self-esteem. I wonder if there is something we can do together to build it up. She seems very unhappy and seems like the saddest girl that I’ve ever seen. Perhaps a psychological evaluation would be helpful.”</p>
<p>I think everyone here agrees that the OP has the best of intentions and is a caring person. Most of what may seem like judgments I think are more of a concern that he might be getting in over his head. I think the fact that he is coming to a message board for advice of this nature is concerning and perhaps even misguided. He should speak to his supervisors for proper direction. We have absolutely no knowledge of this young lady or her family circumstances, and most of us have no professional experience in this area. How would you feel about this thread if this were your daughter or son? If there are issues that might need to be addressed I think he should be taking them to the appropriate individuals in his organization.</p>
<p>I think the OP is a caring person and since he is concerned, I mentioned having his supervisor step in to assess the situation and also have a conference with the parents if needed. We don’t know what the source of the girl’s anxiety is at this point, so further assessment needs to be done. </p>
<p>Since the organization has helped troubled teens, I would hope there is a protocol in place to refer them for the kind of help they need. There is nothing terrible about expressing concern to parent, but confronting parents is difficult and takes expertise. There is the possiblity that they could have a personality disorder, or psychological problems and respond with anger to the OP. They could also misinterpret his concern for the girl. </p>
<p>I don’t discount his concern. I commend him for caring, but I also think that he shouldn’t overstep the coundaries of his position and should refer this to a person in charge of the program. The OP has good intentions, but he needs to protect himself.</p>
<p>Well, the girl is in the wrong program. Her parents wanted tutoring not an amateur psychological evaluation of them or their daughter. So, if she signed up accidentally why not just tell them the truth? The end.</p>