Bullying -- Has it happened to your child in college?

<p>I think we all realize that we’re reading one side of the story, just as is always the case with posts on CC. : - )</p>

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I believe OP said the student who started it was gay.</p>

<p>I, too, suspect Grinnell is hesitant to point any fingers at the gay student who may have instigated this bullying. Campuses are so very worried about political correctness, as any seeming criticism of a group can cause a huge media frenzy. </p>

<p>(Remember the Harvard shooting incident? The young woman who gave the murderer her swipe card to allow him dorm access denied her role for months, crying racism. The hubub didn’t die down until she was convicted on hard computer evidence that it was indeed her swipe card and that she hid the gun in another room.)</p>

<p>I think we’re being unfair to Grinnell since we don’t know, or should know, the facts. We are giving advice to the mom of a student who feels bullied and should take that at face value. But, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions about the University. Even the mom has second-hand information.</p>

<p>Support the mom with a difficult decision, but withhold any judgement on the situation or university.</p>

<p>I haven’t seen too much bullying at my private LAC, at least not publicly. On the internet, however, there was a website two years ago called JuicyCampus where sorority girls (and others) would relentlessly call each other sluts, whores, etc.</p>

<p>I’m very sorry to hear about this situation. I was bullied alot in middle school and high school, so I know how horrible he must feel</p>

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<p>It probably is. The media just doesn’t show sympathy for the victim unless they’re gay.</p>

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<p>yeah, the nice thing about a large university is that if you run into jerks, you can easily avoid them… if they’re not your roommates or live in your dorm.</p>

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<p>Thats the sad truth in life, and sadly most people don’t know about it as they think the only bullies are junkies with no direction in life. I dealt with these bullies that go to good universities alot in high school. They found a way to make their application good enough to go to a good school. But that doesn’t mean that those kids are smart in intellect or social skills/common sense. They were spoiled by their parents and adopted a sense of entitlement so they think its ok to bully others</p>

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<p>Thats true. But if hes introverted, be aware that it may be more difficult to make friends at a bigger school</p>

<p>People still bully in college? Wow some people need to really grow up and get a reality check</p>

<p>I went to a small private high school where bullying was rampant and my life was a living hell. Once I got to a large state university bullying was non-existent and life became so much better. It seems that at large universities everybody can find a group with which they feel comfortable and the various groups leave each other alone. It seems that the worst bullies in high school either do not get into large universities or quickly learn from other students in each circle that while that kind of behavior may have been tolerated in high school there is no place for it in a university and the bullies become the lone outcasts.</p>

<p>With all due respect the term bullying is really does not apply to college age young adults. I read all the posts on this thread and most of the examples show mainly the realities of life. Some people are nice and some are mean. What exactly does anyone expect the college administration to do? Free speech is constitutionally protected one need look no farther than the current election to see all sorts of unpleasantness. Bullying by definition requires the bully to have power over the victim and this doesn’t really apply to college students. These students are adults now and sooner or later they need to deal with the imperfections of the real world.</p>

<p>Lies and rumors are very hard to put to rest sometimes. So sorry your child is having to deal with this kind of stress.</p>

<p>I don’t understand how bullying can happen at a college where nearly all of the students are adults. Bullying occurs in high school because the administration is nearly always incredibly soft and lenient. </p>

<p>This isn’t the case in college. If someone is slandering you, then you can talk to the administration or get a cease and desist letter from a judge. If the bullying is physical, then the person can be tried for assault and battery. For less severe “insults”, in college one can simply ignore the person who is insulting them. In high school this is impossible because the students are forced to stay together.</p>

<p>Colleges can be pretty confining, too, if a student lives in the dorms. At least a high school student gets to go home at the end of the day, and can easily maintain social connections with many who do not attend their school, and even that sometimes isn’t enough to mitigate a day’s worth of bullying.</p>

<p>A college student can easily be bullied (or “harassed”) by people they live with. I have known college students who had dorm-mates who deliberately interrupted attempts to study or sleep, who have had food thrown at them, and who have been socially isolated or repeatedly teased and insulted. And this is before taking invasion of privacy and slander into account.</p>

<p>While not “bullying” or “harassment”, some students may find themselves excluded from social gatherings on campus (or made to feel very unwelcome), from informal get-togethers or study groups, all the way through to Greek organizations. Again, it may be difficult to build a network of friends if a student is living away from home and they feel isolated on a campus, especially if they are at a small LAC.</p>

<p>I am not in the position to judge whether this student is being bullied, but it is NOT true that

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That would be some form of harassment, a totally different thing.</p>

<p>To the OP - Does your son’s school (which I gather is Grinnell) have a student conflict resolution service? Instead of discussing the issue with administration, perhaps the issue is best put in the form of this question to student services. My son’s school (a large state flagship, UMich) has one. Fortunately, he hasn’t encountered any issues. However, during parents’ orientation, I was given the impression that the program was designed to address precisely these kinds of situations. I believe students are able to file a complaint and open a mediation session, which cited students must attend. I also had the impression that the idea was that it was valuable to teach both alleged victims and alleged perpetrators how to resolve conflicts, and to educate people about the difference between free speech, slander, truth as a defense and hate crimes ;)</p>

<p>On another note, perhaps I am just being cranky, but I do find the word “bullying” a little prejudicial (against your son, actually) in some regards and would prefer to see specific terminology such as “slandered” to better understand the nature of the problem. To bully is to intimidate or be aggressively overbearing, which suggests that your son is somehow weaker or otherwise disadvantaged compared to the perpetrator. In actual fact, your son can choose not to feel intimidated or be in any way weaker or disadvantaged, and can confront the people saying whatever cruel things they are saying, and can attempt to find a way to get the truth out or otherwise counteract the influence of the perpetrator by striving to be equally influential himself.
I hope he chooses to take such action.</p>

<p>At the same time, I can appreciate why you might not want to fiscally support an administration that does not share your philosophy of intervention, though I am not convinced that any other administration would necessarily conduct itself differently since the locus of control sits squarely with your son. What’s important here is whether or not your son is enjoying his educational experience, and whether or not he wants to transfer. If he doesn’t, I’d leave it be. If he does, I’d have him invest him time and attention on finding an environment he thinks he’d enjoy. And lastly, I’d want to ensure that he had access to a counselor or someone sympathetic to his situation so that he receives coaching to cope and to ensure the situation does not lead to depression. (Another good reason to ask the question of student services…)</p>

<p>For dbwes here is the how bullying is defined.</p>

<p>[Bullying</a> - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying]Bullying”>Bullying - Wikipedia)</p>

<p>Power or perceived power is at root of the problem. In a college situation students do not really have power over each other unlike high school where there are vast differences. The students at college are all young adults and realistically they have to learn to deal with the occasional unpleasantness of the real world. The exact same thing happens in many workplaces and to be successful the person must learn to handle the problem on their own. Otherwise they are doomed to be unhappy and unsuccessful in real life. The college administration is powerless to solve these types of issues.</p>

<p>SAY – I’m not trying to be a pedantic jerk, but two things:
wikipedia is a TERRIBLE source. Anybody can write anything on wikipedia. I am speaking as a librarian now. Use it to look up fun facts for yourself, but do not use it in academic settings or in an argument.
Second, using your own source, keep reading. It says:

Peers are equals. Bullying may imply a “perceived” difference in power (as the article also states), but that can easily be the result of the bullying, no? Wouldn’t you feel your tormentor had power over you?</p>

<p>I agree that the exact definition is unimportant. Over the years I’ve managed hundreds of highly educated(advanced degrees) and a significant percentage have personality issues. Each workplace struggles with these issues and eventually someone gets fired. My main point is that expecting this to be solved by the college is naive. For this student there will always be a place where this can happen unless the individual deals with it him/herself. It may sound harsh but life is hard(sometimes).</p>

<p>SAY – With your above point, I agree!</p>

<p>For years I was responsible for hundreds of employees all of which had advanced degrees. All were highly paid and carefully chosen and yet over the years we had numerous problems. Every case was slightly different and each required significant effort by our firm to compile evidence usually for years. Some employees responded to counselling but many ultimately were let go. Frequently those employees sued us and some did win. The colleges have no way to deal with this type of problem.</p>