Bullying/Teasing at Boarding School- What should a parent do?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>Advice needed:</p>

<p>What to do when your BS kid is a victim of an aggresive team of bullies in the dorm- first year on campus? Specifics: Mostly verbal insults, internet postings, screaming profanities and intimidation...but it is hurting the BS experience. Worst than gang behavior...my kid has never faced this before. Not a scary kid (pretty athletic), but not used to this.</p>

<p>Not wanting to be over-involved, I have complained to adminstration, but not only once or twice this year.</p>

<p>No matter what...it continues. Is it just a fact of life? </p>

<p>Hopefully it will go away, not sure if getting involved more helps or hurts</p>

<p>Really worried...any suggestions or experience in this?</p>

2

<p>Recently another parent posted a similar issue. Please search the threads. I think the recommendations were moving your kid to another school if he is not having a great time at this school. I think they also mentioned that if the bullies parents are big donors to the school, the school may not be eager to take action. Then I think they recommended having your lawyer contact the school. Hope this helps. If you don’t mind sharing what kind of bullying is that? Racial, calling him a nerd… Does he have other good friends?</p>

3

<p>Not acceptable and you need to be all over the administration. BS experience includes teaching teens about character and community so the school needs to step up and get this to stop. Ask them to give you specific actions they plan to deploy to improve this situation and have daily or weekly contact with dorm parent and advisor to stay on top of this. I hope it gets better.</p>

4

<p>It’s hard to know from afar whether your son is facing a genuine problem or whether it’s something less serious that will work itself out, but only feels magnified because it’s freshman year. But, assuming that there is a serious group of bullies, the first calls should be to the dorm master and your son’s adviser. They, along with your son’s prefect, should be able to advise your boy, monitor the situation to ensure it improves, and report back to you.</p>

<p>Getting too involved, raising the issue too far and too fast, can often make the problem worse. While it may be true that your son is purely a victim, it may also be true that he has brought a personality trait or behavior to school that is offensive - snobbiness, bragging etc - that may play a part in this. A good prefect can tell you right away whether your son has areas he needs to focus on to help correct the problem, or whether there is simply a weird group of rogue bulliers. If it’s the latter, any good boarding school will come down hard on the ring leaders.</p>

<p>It’s very rare that these things don’t work themselves out during the year.</p>

5

<p>You wrote the check, get involved. Your son, first and foremost needs to address the problem or he/she’s not ready to be at boarding school. If you child has escalated concerns to the admin and nothing is done, then time for you to get involved.</p>

6

<p>(For what it’s worth, I would bet that the child is female.)</p>

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<p>This sort of behavior is not condoned by any school’s honor code. It has no place in a well-run school. If there’s only one jerk, then the school might have a chance at remedying the situation. If your child is now the target of psychological bullying by large groups of her peers—get her out of that school.</p>

<p>You have already raised the issue with the administration. They either have not taken your concerns seriously, or whatever they have tried has not been effective. The year is almost over. If it were January, there would be time for the school to correct the problem. If it is aggressive and coordinated in the dorms, and the dorm parents have not taken any action, then you should think about whether you want to subject your daughter (son) to that treatment next year.</p>

7

<p>If you have already addressed the situation with the administration, I would follow up with another request,and state that you will be bringing in a lawyer to advocate for the rights of your child. “Children will be children” is an excuse. This would never be tolerated in our own adult personal/professional lives. All youth have human rights! Your child does not feel emotionally safe right now. Does he (she) have a roomate that is involved, a bystander, or is okay?</p>

8

<p>Thanks for your thoughts very helpful. </p>

<p>It is surprising how much time / energy people spend trying to determine exactly who you are,and which school you are in on these threads. almost funny…it doesn’t matter.</p>

<p>But it is awesome to have this resource…when you prefer not to talk to anyone else.</p>

<p>While I don’t think it matters if my kid is male or female in this situation, I do think it matters that we receive significant FA. Someone mentioned that donor kids (or star athletes) get away with whatever. We finally heard back from school administration. We’ll see what they do.</p>

<p>This has been going on pretty much all year. Concerned that as the school year comes to a close, it could get worse IF any of these students don’t plan to / or can’t return next year.</p>

<p>Boarding school is NOT the utopia that it may appear. Many,many “cons” that we didn’t consider going in. This situation is only ONE of them.</p>

9

<p>You’re right Zerankis - boarding school is not easy for everyone. I’m not trying to blame the victim (your child), but I do want to cough up some personal experience for you to think about. The truth of these experiences is usually more complex than one party being totally wrong and the other completely right - although I suppose that happens now and again.</p>

<p>My first year at boarding school was a nightmare. I came from a wealthy, sheltered, and fearful background (fearful of people not like me). I’m absolutely sure that I acted the part - snobby, shy, sarcastic, prepped out, socially awkward. I was a target for some pretty intense incoming fire. Some of that fire came from a few truly jerky kids, but truth be told, most came from people who were genuinely turned off by my behavior. </p>

<p>I was incredibly unhappy that year. I never told my parents because I couldn’t stand the idea of showing weakness, especially to my father. Every day, I would “try on” different personalities, trying to unlock the code for “getting along.” But every night I would climb into bed and feel scared all over again, isolated and very homesick, wondering what unhappiness waited for me the next day. </p>

<p>As I look back many years later, that first year was a painful passage to the beginnings of self-awareness, to becoming conscious of the effect of my words and behavior on others. I went from being tone deaf socially to the realization that the problem had more to do with me than with others. Just that one bit of knowledge took a whole year to acquire! Like some wise person said, “experience is the thing you acquire right after you need it.”</p>

<p>I went into sophomore year with a tremendous amount of anxiety. But it started out better than I expected. Everyone seemed a little bit changed, including me. I began to be aware that certain kinds of behavior and words on my part attracted smiles and friends. That was a first for me. I listened more, talked less. I began to like the me that I was becoming and that slowly translated into my first friendships - some with kids that “hated” me freshman year and some with kids I had never gotten to know. Sophomore year was all about learning who I wanted to be and becoming comfortable, even a little bit, in my own skin.</p>

<p>Junior and Senior years were a rush of growth, happiness and friendships. I literally felt like I was a new person. I was a proctor Junior Year and a freshman dorm Prefect senior year.</p>

<p>On one end of the spectrum are kids who come to boarding school and have a smooth, enviable maturation right from the start. Others, like me, come to boarding school and suffer a ton of adversity as they learn what works and doesn’t work about themselves. It’s incredibly hard to be one of those kids and it’s hard to be a parent and watch the suffering. </p>

<p>Zerankis, my happiness and success in life got its start during and because of that horrible freshman year. There was more learning in those bad times than in all the years up to that point. Like I said at the start, your “take” on the bullying may be accurate and entirely the fault of the bullies. If so, I apologize for making you any unhappier than you already are. If, on the other hand, your child is also a responsible party, know that much good can come from these hard times.</p>

10

<p>beautiful post, rebelangel. thank you for that. You bring up some points that I think I would like very much to bring up with my son before he leaves. I think RedHotPEA posted something similar about his/her experience at Exeter; not about being miserable, per se, but how impossible it is to hide one’s flaws in a residential setting.</p>

<p>Zerankis, I wouldn’t discount people’s speculation about the school and the gender of you student as mere snoopiness. Sometimes it makes difference in situations like these. Female bullies are different in many ways (worse, I think) than male ones. I wish the best to you and your student and hope everything works out. There is nothing more painful to parents than seeing their children as victims, especially when there is little they can do about it. I wish there was some pearl of advice that I could give but considering that my oldest child is only beginning this journey in the fall, I have no experience directly related to your situation from which to draw.</p>

11

<p>Nicely said rebelangel.</p>

<p>Zerankis
I think boarding school is a rite of passage for many. And we can’t paint all schools with a broad brush simply because of a negative experience at one. The variable is often the student(s) not the school. Although some do tend to favor alumni with big bucks (I’ve seen it) it’s the exception not the rule - even within that school. Because in a small community news travels fast - very fast - and spreads to other alum and donors.</p>

<p>For instance, someone posted about expulsions at several BS this past week. I passed that to my daughter who emailed friends at both schools to get the answers. In the age of internet and IM’s news travels fast. So when there were “controversies” or “problems” at Exeter, the alum often get immediate communication so we’re not hearing it in the rumor mill.</p>

<p>Bullying happens - at public school, at private school, at work. It’s getting to the top of the food chain to lodge a complaint that is key to nipping it in the bud quickly. Hope it works out for your child - if not - a different school may result in a better result. But I don’t think FA status is the issue. But I don’t know your school specifically so I can’t say for sure.</p>

12

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<p>I suspect (but can’t know, obviously) that your child will not face increased harassment from peers next year due to the departure of a few students. Expulsion, suspension or probation can serve as a wake-up call for parents, if for no one else. In addition, next year, the rooming arrangements will be different? Which could help. In the first year, the roommate assignments are a best guess, but after that, students can choose. Different dorm supervision, and forewarned dorm parents, should also make a difference.</p>

<p>I think gender does matter–but don’t feel you need to become more specific. In another context, some years ago, a head of school told a group of parents at an open house, “boys build pyramids, and girls build circles.” I think the removal of a few students can have a much greater impact upon male social circles than upon female social circles. In either case, it is quite likely that the removal of (or improved behavior on the part of) a ringleader or two can have positive effects.</p>

13

<p>With the tragic bullying incident that happened in Mass this year there is a heightened sensitivity to it in the northeast. I would pursue it. I think the boarding school does not want the publicity and would step in immediately.</p>

14

<p>Once again, CC has proven to be the best thing since sliced bread! Rebelangel, Neatoburrito, ExieMITalum and others…I cannot thank you enough for your input.</p>

15

<p>Nobody likes to be bullied (I have been bullied), yet bullying seems to be part of human nature, a sort of survival of the fittest ploy. It can and will happen anywhere at anytime, so our very earnest attempts to put a stop to it – simply because it is wrong to do – will likely fall on deaf ears by those who practise such behavior.</p>

<p>If one is an “easy target” with no capacity to give as good as one gets, then that person will either have to develop a thicker skin (or a rubber one!) or accept the fact that those so inclined to make life miserable for the more sensitive among us will do so with impunity…</p>

<p>However, the one way to end the assault is to “go with the punches” (not take oneself too seriously) and then launch a few of one’s own to see how the offender likes it. If done in a tit for tat sort of way (without malice) it will be appreciated as such and will earn a measure of respect – perhaps even open the doors of acceptance.</p>

<p>This does not mean that one’s character and values must be sacrificed – not at all – it simply means that one has acquired some “street smarts” to call upon if the circumstance call for them.</p>

<p>But, to think that human nature can be altered by a ‘reasonable’ approach is pure folly, hard as it is to concede that our powers of reasoning have their limitations.</p>

<p>I know many of you probably think the less of me for saying it, but practically speaking, it works.</p>

16

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<p>This is where the gender difference comes in. If the bullies are male, you can identify the highest-ranking bully. You can address the matter. If the bullies are female, however, you may never know who the ringleader is. The adults at the school may not know who the bully is.</p>

<p>The internet adds a new dimension to it. It’s possible to harass a victim anonymously on the internet. It’s on 24/7. It also, in my opinion, expands the circle of students involved. </p>

<p>The boarding school graduates who comment on this site are a select group. There is a certain survivor bias to the commenters, as a whole–and I appreciate your comments. If you were bullied, however, it was not severe enough to cause you to leave the school.</p>

17

<p>rebelangel, your response was terrific and I have copied into the “best posts” thread that neatoburrito started in the general forum.</p>

18

<p>Everyone makes good points. We had our issues this year with dorm behavior and “bullying”. I fully support the need to understand what role your child plays in the complex world of human interaction. I know we did this in our family. What we found ultimately unacceptable to us as a family was not the actions between the students but the lack of response from the administration to provide support to the children involved to learn and grow. All students are children and they, in our opinion, were left to flounder and figure out how to be more adult on their own. We are not alone in our decision to have our son go to another school next year - several families are leaving for similar reasons according to my son’s advisor. But, our son worked directly with the administration for a month before we got involved. He raised the option to change schools, not us. It has to come from your child. However, no matter what you decide, be sure to work with your child and understand what worked at the current school and what didn’t. Make sure you are leaving for something and not running from something. Make sure your child can articulate what went wrong and how he/she played a role in it. </p>

<p>Even with the difficulty we went through, the truth is that his current school is not bad - it simply did not meet our expectations, values, and belief system. My son did not receive the direction and support that we believe should be given to the students and we were ultimately very disappointed in lack of meaningful faculty/student relationships. In a word, the fit was not right for us. The school he will attend in the fall always felt like the best fit to my husband and I. We are blessed that the school will accept him as a transfer this fall. In fact, my son initiated the contact with the new school (he was accepted there last year). The admissions director told us that our son was very self-reflective and did an excellent job of articulating the reason for his request. In fact, my son asked specifically for help to correct a mistake he made - no blaming the current school. </p>

<p>I guess what I am trying to say is let something positive come from a negative - make sure your child and you learn and grow from the experience. I believe it is rare indeed that the school is “bad”, rather it is “bad” for your family and you want to figure out what is “good” to you and find that.</p>

19

<p>luvscuba, I’m so glad to hear that things have worked out for your son. I remember your earlier posts about the conflict. Your son’s solution is so very well reasoned. You must be very proud of him.</p>

20

<p>Glad to hear that your son got into the other school. The change of scenery should be good for him.</p>

<p>BTW, is he repeating (you were asking advice on that IIRC) next year?</p>

<p>And was any progress made with the roommate situation and the dorm parent since your earlier posting?</p>