My D is telling me that I am talking to her too much regarding the whole college selection process. She is getting burned out at the moment. She said it is becoming unappealing to apply to colleges. I am the type of person that once I get focused on something I don’t want to think about much more. These days it is her college selection process.
D has the stats to get some merit aid. Also I don’t have the funds to tell her just pick a place you want to go and don’t worry about the $$$. I am researching everything possible to see if we can find the best deal for her. I do tell her about places she should look into as possible choices. I try to point out some positives about these places. I am also trying to get her to do some of the little extra things that require very little but could make a difference. For example, she got her first acceptance letter from a small LAC with half of the COA as merit aid. I told her to send a thank you email and inquire about possible additional merit aid. She doesn’t think it is necessary and when pushed she responded I don’t think I want to go there. She literally hates to be told to do things. She wants to do things for herself on her own terms. I can respect that, but I still want to help guide her to the best decision. And I don’t know what that decision is yet, myself.
I could relax if we just lived in a different state. At many flagship state schools her in-state COA would be would be around $15K per year based on her stats. That is an amount that would put me at ease. I could stop worrying about this whole process and not bring it up so much.
Why does this process have to be complicated. Times have changed definitely compared to 28 years ago.
This can be a fun time, but I think you need to give your D some space. What worked for us is that we agreed to only talk about college stuff once a week - usually over breakfast or lunch on Sundays.
I kinda agree with your D. There is little chance her merit will be increased.
This might be a kid where you should tell her what you can pay, provide a list of places for her to explore, and let her do it herself. If she is too stubborn to accept your help, don’t knock yourself out.
If she says she still wants some help, maybe set aside a specific time to talk each week about college (late Sunday afternoon worked for us). Or maybe she’d prefer you communicate via email instead of verbally.
You could also tell her you will completely lay off once she has acceptance to one safety that is affordable.
I can complete relate OP. I have a very independent kid who had her own ideas about how things should be done. I came here to lurk and vented to friends as I knew talking to my daughter would irritate her.
That’s one good use of this forum. For us parents who are into research, who enjoy the minute dissection of the subjects we’re interested in, who want to be able to have an outlet where we can discuss college without driving our smart, independent kids nuts… this is a good outlet.
Agree with intparent that you and your DD might be happiest if you just set some financial parameters and then leave it to her to figure out what choices she has within them. Easier to say than to do, though. I understand. Hang in there.
Is there another adult who can talk to her (or just listen) without the power dynamic? Perhaps if you step back a bit & limit your college chat to once a week your D will feel less pressure & be less defensive. You can vent to us, of course!
@gpo613 - we are in the same boat, my daughter is feeling overwhelmed because she had so much school work to do prior to the first day of school along with getting ready to apply for scholarships and colleges.
I’ve backed off a little recently to let her get her feet underneath her.
One thing I tried is making a Trello board for her college tasks which allows me to create a “card” where I can define the task, set a due date and move it through different stages of a workflow. Not sure if it will help her, but i think it’s kind of a cool graphical organization tool.
With my oldest I had a deal (apparently like many others here) to only nag him once a week. Then I came to CC to freak out. The only cases I’ve heard of merit money being increased is when the student has a better offer from another university - especially if it’s a higher ranked one. I also like the idea of a board or spread sheet where you can input information and she can look at it on her schedule.
It never hurts to ask for more money. I made an appointment with the financial aid office at the school my daughter liked the most. I explained to them our situation (if you’ve been following me, pure chaos the few years before). They told me two things: 1. D was eligible for a music scholarship for non-music majors - it included money and free piano lessons, as long as she participated in jazz band; and 2. I should write a letter explaining everything and they would re-evaluate her aid. I was pleasantly surprised at the increase they gave her!
I did try to tell her to map out her tasks and then breaking them down into what she wants to accomplish each week. The old take a large task and break it into smaller ones idea. Then if she was sharing that with me and my better half and we wouldn’t have so many questions.
We did visit Pitt and I thought the Admissions Counselor’s advice would really help. She said get the apps in early because they have more money earlier in the process. D was onboard with that, but progress has slowed some.
I agree with other posters who suggest carving out a certain time of week to discuss anything college related and stick to it. You can help out with administrative stuff with her permission. Come up with a mutually agreed upon time and hash out who is going to do what.
Don’t make every other interaction about the college process. That is very stress inducing for many people.
Do be clear up front about what you are willing to pay so your daughter is clear on the parameters.
Read this sentence you wrote…it is HER college selection process.
I do believe parents can and should be part of the selection of schools to which the kids apply. But at the same time, it is your daughter’s college selection process. Give her some space to make some of her own decisions.
Set aside a time each week for her to update you on what she has found. Make it say…20-30 minutes…with the understanding that you will listen first…and offer ideas if asked, and answer questions. Then agree that at each session you (the parent) will give one suggestion. Just one.
If you really think your daughter is not handling this search and selection process well, sure, help out. But it more sounds like you want to make it the sole topic of conversation when your daughter does not.
The weekly roundtable idea is more appealing to me than telling her how much you can give her for tuition and letting her set her own path. Of course different kids have different personalities and different needs. If you have a trailblazer - congratulations! That’s great. On the other hand, though, in just the last week here on CC we’ve had one poster in the unfortunate situation of having to immediately withdraw from college upon figuring out they can’t afford to attend after moving to campus, and we have a handful of otherwise very bright international students whose parents can chip in a couple thousand dollars at most but nonetheless think a $250,000+ education 3,000 miles away is realistic. So those weekly check-ins can keep communication and expectations on track.
I agree with getting your financial threshold out there. I made my oldest a spreadsheet of about 25 colleges that I thought he would like and fit financial parameters and gave him a deadline to cut the list down to 10-15 including any he wanted to add. We did the visit things then he narrowed it down with 5 to send applications (#2 sent 6 and #3 sent 10). I think you let them do their jobs and give a reasonable deadline. The school set the application deadline of Oct 31 for at least one app and mine just got them done all at once…even the regular decision college’s. But kids are pretty good about telling you when to turn off the college chatter.
What you are willing to contribute has to be part of the conversation whether she wants to have it or not. For her to attend college she has to be accepted and it has to be affordable. I don’t think you necessarily need to shop for her but obviously scholarships and financial aid will be a necessary part of any consideration. How involved you are with selection process can be up to the family as a whole. We told our kids what we could contribute and made sure they chose a safety that we confirmed was affordable. Beyond that we would make suggestions when asked and check on the progress periodically.
It is important to be aware of deadlines. Many flagships have early deadlines to be considered for scholarships. Some schools have impacted majors that once they are near being full are much more difficult to get in to. Applying in a timely manner can make a difference. Good luck.
I think all of us have had this experience at one point or the other.
Think of it from their point of view: Here is this complicated process that you have no experience with, that has deadlines, financial implications, but that you have to do.
I wouldn’t at this point start pushing every college for more merit aid. Wait until you get all acceptances and then maybe pick one or two to try that with…ones she would definitely attend if affordable.
Ask her how she would like to handle this…check in once every two weeks?
Ask her what she would like you to do…she is the boss and can assign you tasks. Say that you would like to work on an overall schedule with her and then leave it to up to her.
Also let her know your yearly budget…she can always go to Community College if she doesn’t do anything.
Relationship with your D is top priority. Plan a social activity with her, something both of you would enjoy. Bonus points if it will involve laughter, bonding, sentimental childhood memories, or doesn’t require great effort or fancy dress clothes.
And make a plan to fit Fun in on a regular basis. Even if it is just baking cookies or watching a movie at home. Her free time may be tight now, but humor is a great stress relief, so write her silly notes and leave them in her car, on her pillow, etc.
Start a conversation with an apology, acknowledging that your desire to help may be feeling more like pressure to your D. Try to negotiate together how to move forward with a common goal of her attending the best fit school you can afford.
Admit (if it is true) that detailed research brings you comfort, and acknowledge (if it is true) that D may not get that same benefit when you dump a ton of facts and figures on her everyday.
Ask permission to do research, vent on this forum, and figure out together with D how she can ask for detailed research when she is ready to receive it.
I am a researcher, and $$ was tight. I felt pressure to find out everything I could to get the best fit and most merit aid. I knew transfer students don’t get good merit aid, so I hyper-focused on best fit. My D knew she was not a researcher, so she was fine with my role. But I wanted to spew out information every day to her. And that was not fine with her. We agreed that I would still research, but D did not want to hear about it.
It is a balancing act to encourage without driving your child crazy. Best of luck to you and your family as you navigate the college selection process.
In the end she did send the thank you email and got some information back about scholarship days and a visit. She was happy to show me the reply last night. There is some more $$$ to be had for attending the scholarship days. Not a ton but some.
We are not quite ready to give her the total financial picture. We are afraid she will relax too much and be too willing to take on loans to make up any difference. We need her to strive for every possible dollar. My wife and I had some big time debt from college and it was rough paying it off. It got in the way of saving for her college to a degree. We don’t want her to be too debt ridden.
Thanks for the suggestions and I plan on not making it the topic of every discussion.