<p>I was wondering if any1 would wanna critique my engineering essay, hopefully by someone who wrote a essay on the same topic and got in? Thanks</p>
<p>ok. im basically only going to tell you if i like it/dislike it and why but ill look</p>
<p>I'll look at it if you want.</p>
<p>I can take a look if you want. But I probably can't help much since I'm not sure what even got me into Cornell. My essay wasn't great by any means. So yeah, take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'll probably do the same thing as jeffman.</p>
<p>i replied with the intention of being brief but really got into it and then figured it was good information for anyone trying to write an essay. my response, when i stop being polite, and start getting..err.. helpful?</p>
<p>"ok the key is this. you dont have to be talking about something interesting, but make it an interesting read. this starts out like a 6th grade book report. light the fireworks right from the start, maybe by weaving an exciting reference from the book i.e. "As the tiny microbugs crawled through the cavernous recesses of the body, sending vital information to its reader on the outside, my heartrate spiked. The pages of the thriller Prey were coming alive. I was reading a work of fiction, but this technology seemed tangible, palpable. Something small enough to fit on the tips of our fingers, literally at our fingertips." i only skipped your essay because i found it bland. weave a web, engross your reader, make it exciting. not being arrogant, but i'm pretty sure anyone that read the first four lines that i wrote would definately want to continue with that read. and thats what you need to do. rope them in and keep them at the edge of their seat. dont give them facts about how "cornell has the best nanotech ___." they know this and they dont care if you can google. don't make it so deliberate with a chronological timeline.. "before this", "after that", "then i." give them something real and not just internet information scrapped together. everyone says you need a "hook," something really interesting about yourself. if you dont have one, no big deal, and if you do, dont just stop there. make your hook your writing. someone could be the greatest mountaineer in the world, but if they dont tell a good story, whats the point reading it. they have to read 1000s of essays, im sure the adcoms get bored. i only had to read your one and skimmed. MAKE THEM WANT TO READ. sorry if it was harsh."</p>
<p>Kevinscool, I tried to pm your essay back to you but I guess your inbox has too many messages so it would not go through. However, i agree with jeffman. I think the first few sentences could be stronger and hook the reader. Many college essays I've read start out in a similar way to what jeffman suggests. If after that, you get more factual (not sure that's the right word) about your interest in nanotechnology, I think that's OK. Also, it sounded to me like nanotechnology was very futuristic--isn't it already being used in many areas of medicine? For instance, my neighbor is a neonatal heart surgeon who uses small cameras and robotics to perform intricate surgeries. I would also consider maybe looking at some of the research being performed at the Science and Technology Center that really appeals to you. Specifics can help show the admissions reps that you've gone beyond the basic knowledge of what Cornell offers. For instance, my son took a tour of one of the engineering labs and talked very briefly about his interest in what they were doing there.</p>
<p>Unbelievable. Your engineering essay sounds very similar to mine! I wrote about nanotechnology and said that what inspired me to pursue a career in that field was a book called 'Prey'! PM me your essay; I'm really eager to read it.</p>
<p>btw, I applied ED this year and got accepted.</p>
<p>Lmao no way!? Haha at first i wrote about halo 2 and Spartans, but then decided to change to nanotech. And ya i know what u mean Cornell, it wasnt very eye appealing. I did do some research. Nanotechnology (the way i described it anyways) is still a ways away. To send sensors that can detect and kill cancer cells, that hasnt been explored yet. I think it is being explored, so i tried to make it sound more of a interest to me instead of a idea. (i dont wanna plagiarize in a college essay... lol). Anyways ill find a specific project possibly and include it. Ive changed the beginning to make it more interesting. Do u think the middle stuff is okay? And ya ill pm u mal</p>
<p>pm me and I'll tell you what I think. I was accepted ED last year.</p>
<p>pm it over and i'll look at it</p>