Can anyone plz read my SAT essay?? <bad essay> grade plz ㅜ

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>Hi! I am an international student and considering that English is not my first language, I am praticing SAT essay myself for the Oct SAT. I got 8 on the real essay ...</p>

<p>Here comes the topic.!</p>

<p>Topic: What is your opinion of the claim that sometimes censorship is<br>
justified?</p>

<p>My essay :</p>

<pre><code> I don't agree with the statement that sometimes the censorshipp is necessary. Nowadays, most of the countries have government type of Republics and they citizens are protected by thier governments with their unique freedom. I disagree with the cesorship because people have rights for freedom and censorship can make people protect from what they do.

According to the Bill of Rights, written by the Founding Fathers during the mid 18th century,one of the statements shows that people have rights for freedom and religion by their governments. However, in contrast to this statement, North Korea still has the government type of dictatorship that people of North Korea don't have any freedom on what they do. Unlike other countries that emphasize the importance of freedom of people, North Korea is nowadays undergoin some serious political and social problems. Therefore, censorship should be prohibited because all people have right to be free from their governments.

In addition, censorship can make people stop from what they do. As a leader of the BEST club (Boosting Engineering Science Technology), I always emphasize the importance of listening to others' opinions. However, if I don't listen to them and rather stick to my own opinion, our club won't make our club's goal which is to get a state award. According to my experience in this club, I truly felt the importance of considering all of our club members' opinions carefully. However, unless if I prohibit them from thinking creatively, our BEST club won't reach our main goal.

Bill of rights, the government type of North Korea, and the experience that I had as a leader of BEST club show the importance of considering all people's freedom. In my opinion, censorship is not necessarily needed in our life but consensus should be needed in people's life, to make a good government which considers all people's freedom important.
</code></pre>

2

<p>Stick to a crappy, but clear, 5 paragraph essay. Intro, 3 body and a conclusion. It's usually best to not even include one's self in the essay (study shows that people who use "I" tend to score lower). It's not about writing a good essay, its about writing to a formula. Hell, you can create any facts you want.</p>

3

<p>also, try to avoid using personal examples...literature and history work better.</p>

4

<p>Let me help you with improving your English. Below I have rewritten your comments, but with grammatical corrections. Please note that I have not attempted to improve your comments, just your English usage, spelling, and grammar. Improving your points would take a little more time than this--and would necessitate that I express some personal opinions that would open me up to all kinds of comments on this thread that I don't need. </p>

<p>New essay:
I don't agree with the statement that sometimes censorship is necessary. Nowadays, most of the countries in the world have a Republic form of government and their citizens' freedom are protected by the government. I disagree with censorship being imposed on people since people have the right to freedom and censorship can protect people from punishment or restrictions based on what they do.</p>

<p>According to the first amendment of the Bill of Rights, written by the American Founding Fathers during the middle of the eighteenth century, people have the right to practice freedom and religion without retaliation or censure from their government. However, in contrast to this statement, North Korea still has a dictatorship form of government that prevents the people of North Korea from having the freedom to do as they wish. Unlike other countries that emphasize the importance of personal freedom, North Korea is nowadays undergoing some serious political and social problems. Therefore, censorship should be prohibited because all people have right to be free from their governments.</p>

<p>In addition, censorship can make people stop behaving in the manner they wish. As a leader of the BEST (Boosting Engineering Science Technology) club, I always emphasize the importance of listening to others' opinions. I realize that if I don't listen to them and instead stick to my own opinion, our club won't make our club's goal, which is to get a state award. Based upon my experience in this club, I truly feel the importance of considering all of our club members' opinions carefully. Should I prohibit them from thinking creatively, our BEST club won't reach our main goal.</p>

<p>Bill of Rights, the form of government that exists in North Korea, and the experience that I had as a leader of BEST club are examples that demonstrate the importance of considering all people's freedom. In my opinion censorship is not necessarily needed in our life, but consensus is necesary in people's life, in order to form the type of good government that considers everybody's freedom important.</p>

<p>End of essay</p>

<p>P.S. Please note that I agree with the other posters on here about needing to use a formula. Also, you need to note that your conclusion at the end of the second paragraph is in no way supported by your earlier lines in that paragraph. You should also consider that the question is not just about government necessarily, but also about art, public safety, protecting child against pornography, TV/media/film freedoms, the right to criticize government, comedy and satire, and about ten other areas--none of which were addressed in your essay. Still, I understand you are writing this in a very short-time limit, and you did get a lot down on paper--which is a plus.</p>

<p>Good luck with your college applications.</p>