<p>I have a once-a-year mom. My earliest memory of her is baking cupcakes with me for school in second grade, yet she did not stick around. My mom abandoned us. I was only six, my sister was five and my father relied on his sister to help him. At the tender age of nine, my mom had returned once again. We came home from school one day and the closet she once occupied was full of her personal items yet again. Since she had left for three years, I was not familiar with her or who she truly was. Should I have called her mom? Had she earned that title? Should I have called her Lisa? Like I would a stranger?
Through the chaos of our lives, I’ve learned to be self-sufficient and independent. I may have missed out on “mommy and daughter shopping,” but I was able to shop with my younger sister and spend time with her. I’ve missed out on my mother doing my homecoming makeup, but I learned that when I needed something done, I had to do it. I’ve missed out on manicures and pedicures, but I learned how to drive, got my license all on my own. I currently see my mom once a year which seems more like an obligation than a relationship.<br>
The world I came from has not been easy, but I have learned how to be self-dependent. I have learned not to rely on anyone for my happiness; I am my own source of happiness. I have learned to challenge myself in life and not conform to the “easy” way out, which is why I have taken Advanced Placement and Honors classes, joined AVID, after school clubs such as the Toyota Mentoring Program and mentored lower classmen who were in an academic crisis or personal situations. With the Toyota Mentoring Program, I have learned to become an independent and confident worker. I have developed leadership skills and speaking skills. I am able to speak up for myself and what I believe in, I have learned how to take control of a situation that had no direction, and I am more confident in every activity in which I partake in. With these skills, I am able to teach other students that self- confidence is key to being successful. I enjoy helping others who are going through tough times because I too am going through a tough time, but I encourage others to keep going and to not give up on what they believe in.<br>
There are many people who face struggles in life every day; some are worse than what I have been through and that is why I am attending college. I would like to become an AVID tutor and continue to mentor our youth. My desire is to set an example for those who need a little encouragement to get up in the morning, for those who want to have a future, but their surroundings tell them otherwise. I want to major in business and minor in psychology so I can start my own practice. I would like to be the person I needed growing up and I plan on doing so by reaching out to the community and hopefully starting my own business that focuses on children who need an extra hand, or additional personal support.</p>
<p>You have quite a few run on sentences, and the sentence structure is a bit repetitive. You used the phrase “I have,” too many times. The focus and voice are good, but the last paragraph presents multiple goals that don’t tie together.</p>
<p>What could I use instead of I have?</p>
<p>Just say, “I learned,” “I took,” “I developed,” eliminating useless words will lead to an essay that reads easier</p>
<p>I love the first sentence, and the story is very compelling. But as an admissions essay, it needs a lot of work. Some suggestions are given above, but you need to think of it structurally. How do you get from the first part (“once-a-year-mom”) to the better, stronger, more confident you? And the important question: how do you make it focused and compelling?</p>
<p>brianlax14: Okay, thank you!
digmedia: I need to elaborate more on what I gained from my experience?</p>
<p>No, you have that. I was thinking more about the TRANSITION. HOW did the once-year-mom help you you become that person? You have some of that, but I’d like to see more than “I learned to be self-reliant.” What drove that growth?</p>
<p>digmedia Okay I see what you’re saying. Since the essay is a limited amount of words I would have to delete some parts of it in order to focus more on the transitions.</p>
<p>Like others have said, you jump around a lot. There is no clear transition from talking about your mother to talking about the mentorship program, to talking about your goals in life. Also, this may be subjective, but parts of it don’t seem to flow well to me.</p>
<p>Examples:
With the Toyota Mentoring Program, I have learned to become an independent and confident worker —> From/After participating in the TMP… and it is not clear what TMP is</p>
<p>but their surroundings tell them otherwise —> but their home conditions prevent them from succeeding/ have no positive role model to lead the way </p>
<p>WAY to many I haves. The parallel syntax works for a while, but more sentence diversity would be good.</p>
<p>Overall good job! It is clear that your story is raw and is part of who you are.</p>
<p>@maria93101 should I take out the sentence “With the Toyota Mentoring Program, I have learned to become an independent and confident worker.” and change it to “With the classes and clubs I have participated in etc…”?</p>
<p>I kind of dislike the middle and end of the second paragraph.Yeah, you use a lot of “I haves” as people have mentioned, but more fundamentally, it sounds like you’re bragging. A lot. In other words, you name drop too many small accomplishments and it sounds forced – you should focus on one or two and develop those further.</p>
<p>The beginning of the second paragraph is good though. You develop a decently strong tone and sense of voice in the first paragraph and the beginning of the second; yet, you lose this throughout the rest of the essay. I suggest working on that and the concluding paragraph to make it sound more natural, free flowing, from the heart.</p>