<p>You don’t necessarily need three examples. What you need to do is explore your two examples fully and show the reader how they are relevant. More importantly, you need to start paying attention to grammar and style. </p>
<p>Let’s take this line as an example:
“When someone take a responsibility for solving a problem as a one person to help his community, he must think about the nation ij general.”</p>
<p>Let’s break it down.
“When someone take a responsibility…”
This should read “when someone takes responsibility”</p>
<p>"…as a one person…"
Should read “as one person”</p>
<p>“the nation ij general”
Typo</p>
<p>One sentence, three errors. You need to be more careful.</p>
<p>Regarding style and structure, let’s take a broader look. Here is your essay broken down with comments:</p>
<p>Introduction:
“one community is a part of a whole nation. When someone take a responsibility for solving a problem as a one person to help his community, he must think about the nation ij general. Affecting one community is just the beginning of helping a whole nation.” </p>
<p>Grammar aside, this introduction expresses a concept and nothing more. A proper introduction introduces your argument and your examples. If you haven’t thought of your examples at this point, then you need to stop and outline your essay before you continue. A clear idea of where your essay is going is crucial.</p>
<p>Body 1:
“For example, a woman wants to build a free school and hospitals for the people who have less money to pay for the feed to provide both education and good health for their children. When she thought of building a new hospital and school to help these people who are in a specific community, she is affecting a nation that only starts with helping small community at first.”</p>
<p>The first sentence begins with “For example,” which is poor style, and continues on not making much sense. Do you mean “A woman wants to build a school and hospital for people with little money to pay for food [or: for those living in poverty] to provide both education and health care to their children.” Again, one sentence, several errors.</p>
<p>Now that we’ve fixed the sentence, we run into another problem. The example is completely hypothetical. This is not from current events, history, literature, or personal experience. On top of that, stating that she is having an effect on the nation doesn’t prove that she is. Where’s the proof? If this were a proper example, we would have an outcome to show the effect of this woman’s help. Even fictional outcomes from literature are valid in this setting.</p>
<p>Body 2:
“For every action there will be an equal opposite reaction” said by Albert Einstein. I mean by this law that for every action that will occur from someone responsibility for helping a community will have an equal opposite reaction toward a nation, especially when people see a movement like that from a celebrity. For example, Angelina Julie, she have adopted two daughters and two sons, she have done too many charity movement, and she have visited too many countries and communities in Ghana, Africa, and Sirya to help the people there. She have taken a responsibility to help a community, but for her movements that she have done too many people can do the same and they help too many communities in the results of improving and affecting a Whole nation now and later on.</p>
<p>“I mean by this law that for every…” This sentence doesn’t make sense.</p>
<p>“For example, Angelina Julie [Jolie, not Julie}, she have [has] adopted two daughters and two sons, she have [has] done [this word doesn’t work here] too many charity movement[s], and she have [has] visited too many countries and communities in Ghana, Africa, and Sirya [Syria] to help the people there.” Angelina Jolie was just knighted by the Queen of England for her charity work and has helped dozens of communities. This is actually worse than the hypothetical example because the real outcomes of this example are contrary to your argument. You’ve weakened your own argument with this.</p>
<p>You consistently use the word “have” when “has” is needed. Again, check your grammar. Many of your sentences don’t make sense.</p>
<p>Conclusion:
After analyzing my two examples : the woman incidence and Angelina Julie movements, you have to take an initial help to improve and affecting your nation not only your community. Dream small achieve big later.</p>
<p>This conclusion is very short, but the major problem is that it is based on an essay with poor examples.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the essay as it is with the poor grammar, sentence structure, essay structure, and examples, It only deserves a 6 at most.</p>