Can someone critique my essay please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, I like to know my performance in this essay. I have been struggling to write complete essays. In the June SAT and in several practice tests I always finish my 3rd paragraph before time is called. I think I write too much in my body paragraphs, thus I run out of time to write a conclusion. For the June SAT I got an 8 on my incomplete essay.</p>

<p>For a practice test I took today, I finally managed to write a 4 paragraph essay. I like to know what any of you think. I'm trying to improve my score of 3s and 4s so I really appreciate your criticism!</p>

<p>(This is from the Blue Book Test 1)</p>

<p>Prompt: Sometimes it is necessary to challenge what people in authority claim to be true. Although some respect for authority is, no doubt, necessary in order for any group or organization to function, questioning the people in charge - even if they are experts or leaders in their fields - makes us better thinkers. It forces all concerned to defend old ideas and decisions and to consider new ones. Sometimes it can even correct old errors in thought and put an end to wrong actions. </p>

<p>Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. </p>

<hr>

<p>Certain people in a regime place their trust on the authority of the regime. They may be very supportive of the regime or indifferent to the matter. However, such people can be automatons, they do not think for themselves and are assimilated to the ideals of the authority. Therefore, it is important, if necessary, to question the ideals of authority, as the people of the French Revolution and the ideas of rational passion can attest.</p>

<p>In the 1780s, the people of France, guided by the thinkers of the Enlightenment, started to question the current status of the French Monarchy. Daunted by the country's munificence to support the American Revolution and Marie Antoinette's profligate lifestyle, the French Monarchy faced a deficit of money, causing bread riots and the sacking of the Bastille stronghold. However, King Louis XVI was obdurate to the decisions of the people. His failure to respond to the conundrums he faced regarding the conflicting political views of his people led him a trip to the guillotine.</p>

<p>Additionally, when challenging one's authority, one should be guided with rational passion. Such passion is based on the thoughts or decisions on one's mind rather than listing to a pundit, or in this case the authority. Those who do abide by the authority but do not speak against or challenge its beliefs when it may be necessary, are not really zealous supporters of said authority in the first place. By having rational passion to speak against the wrongful aspirations of the authority burgeons the sense of democracy among the people and not be indifferent to a time of distress, as did King George when the people of the colonies united against him. </p>

<p>Questioning the ideals of people with power is necessary to evolutionize rational thought and to keep imperial, venal rulers in check. The necessity to question the people who hold power is indeed necessary to eclipse manipulation of a ruler's people by the power, and to proliferate rational passion.</p>

2

<p>This is a weak essay. You make a strong effort to used advanced vocabulary, but this is not the way to bring your score into the 10-11 range. The major problem with the essay is that it doesn’t quite address the thesis. It’s off, but not sufficiently so that the reader will give you a very low score. But he’s unlikely to give you more than an 8.</p>

<p>Consider the paragraph on the French revolution. Map this to the thesis:</p>

<p>“Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?”</p>

<p>You need to clearly state “the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority”. Then why was it important to question these. And what happened? Although you’re not tested for accuracy, your comments about the American Revolution and Marie Antoinette are asides, and (in my opinion) not accurate. Did the people who “questioned” succeed? This is an opportunity to say “no” or “maybe”, and that eventually some decades later their questioning paid off – for their grandchildren.</p>

<p>You need some level of depth and sophistication in your argument. You don’t get this through “advanced” vocabulary – but rather through insight.</p>

<p>I encourage you to put the clock aside, and take however long it’s necessary to convert this essay into one that addresses the comments above. It’s important to know how to write “12” essays before you learn in how to do that in under 30 minutes.</p>

3

<p>Haha there were like 10+ words in that essay from the Direct Hits Word Lists.</p>

<p>I felt that your example didn’t really answer “Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?” Your first example talks about the King’s not listening to the voices of his people and then dying. How does that show that it is important to question authority? </p>

<p>There were also several grammar mistakes, which also hurt your score.</p>

<p>I am not going to give you a # score because it would give you a skewed idea on your expected score. However, work on your focus and check your essay quickly for obvious grammar mistakes. </p>

<p>Good Luck!</p>