Can someone grade/review my practice SAT?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The question: "Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?
I'm taking the SAT in 8 days, so this would be really helpful.</p>

<p>In the perfect, ideal world, where humans are primarily concerned with achieving morality and capable of resisting material temptations, the conscience is the most powerful motivator. However, in the fast-paced, competitive environment society has evolved to become, the relentless quest for fame, money, or power oftentimes suppresses the voice of one’s conscience. Throughout society, evidence to support this viewpoint is pervasive.</p>

<p>Modern-day politics is commonly associated with corruption and selfishness—to achieve success, politicians are compelled to compromise their personal values. Since the era of Abraham Lincoln, a politician has had to adopt underhand methods and defy their conscience to succeed in their endeavors. Depicted in Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” and various historical novels, Lincoln, in order to emerge victorious in his grueling battle to pass the thirteenth amendment and end slavery, he employed patronage and deceived his supporters to carry out his political agenda. Although internally aware his actions’ flaw, Lincoln used his vision for the future to guide him rather than his conscience. In the battleground known as politics that dominates many aspects of life, the power to succeed lies in the cold pragmatism which sometimes contradicts the emotional pull of one’s conscience.</p>

<p>Not only is the overpowering allure of fame, power, wealth, and the general notion of success rooted in politics, it is also defined in psychology. American psychologist Abraham Marlow outlined the basic motivations of mankind in his 1943 paper, “A Theory of Human Motivation.” In what came to be known as Marlow’s hierarchy of needs, Marlow attests that self-actualization, or the desire to follow one’s conscience and basic morality is a motivation second to the desire for wealth and fundamental resources. Basic human nature drives a person to satisfy tangible, material desires before aiming ot fulfill demands of their internal moral compass.</p>

<p>Society has driven people to strive for the general perception of success—success defined by financial status and fame. Even ingrained in human nature is that the desire to possess precedes the desire to follow one’s conscience. The chirping of everyone’s personal Jiminy Cricket is far too soft and far too easily drowned out by the resounding boom of success.</p>

2

<p>8-9. In the opening paragraph you presented your standpoint: “the conscience is the most powerful motivator.” Then your essay continues to contradict that in every possible way. You provided two examples of how external events supersede personal will rather than showing how personal will is dominant over the former. Revise your thesis and make it 100% clear what your essay is about; by the time I finished reading your essay, I was completely confused and I had no idea which side you were arguing for. Also, please refrain from using obscure vocabulary–as a reader, I see that as pretense and an unfruitful attempt to impress me. Use simple words that can get your point across clearly and coherently.</p>

<p>Had you provided a more accurate thesis and used simpler vocabulary, this essay would have easily scored 11-12.</p>

3

<p>thanks for the feedback.
in the first sentence i was trying to say that IF the world was perfect, we would always follow our conscience. but it’s not.
if i made that clearer would it help?</p>

4

<p>oh yeah @kiwiasian: i say “however” to imply that the our world is not the ideal world i described in the first sentence.</p>

5

<p>This could be easily be a 9-10. Make sure though that you make a more convincing argument by providing deeper analysis.</p>

6

<p>Great ending. Rest is so, so.</p>

<p>This is clumsy and repetitive: “…society has evolved to become…” </p>

<p>Some grammar mistakes: “Since the era of Abraham Lincoln, a politician has had”–should be “politicians have…” Then, “Lincoln, in order to emerge victorious in his grueling battle to pass the thirteenth amendment and end slavery, he…” should not have the “he” there. “In the perfect, ideal world, where humans are primarily concerned with achieving morality and capable of resisting material temptations, the conscience…” should not the “the” before conscience.</p>

<p>“Although internally aware his actions’ flaw, Lincoln used his vision for the future to guide him rather than his conscience” I don’t know about this. Seems to me that by abolishing slavery, Lincoln put morality above economics. </p>

<p>Also this paragraph begins by talking about modern politics, but never actually gets there.</p>

<p>As to the last paragraph, I also think you’ve either misinterpreted Maslow or misinterpreted the question. Wealth, fame and power would IMO all be self-actualization for Maslow. They are not the same and physical or economic security.</p>