<p>Should people make an effort to keep things private?</p>
<p>In a century where the world is so open, privacy in life is like a mirage in a desert. I a candid place like earth, people expect the truth. Trying to conceal things not only breaks the explicit trust but makes the human life a facade. The example of Smriti Irani, a renowned politician buttresses my claim that people should strive to be frank and open.</p>
<p>Intellectual and astute, Smriti Irani is an Indian politician who, during elections kept mum on her educational background. Not until after the elections, was it exposed that she had never attended college. From her perspective, she was entitled to keep this information private: wanting the country to judge her on how she performed for the citizens rather than what her educational qualifications were. But antitheses to this percept, the people felt cheated and robbed of their rights. Thus the term 'privacy' for every individual changes with how they see the world.</p>
<p>Using the hackneyed excuse of 'privacy', hundreds of companies, by chicanery have fooled millions of naive people. In a time when countries, thousands of miles apart, are coming together by globalizing and communicating: trying to keep things private, according to me, just halts this process, hindering further interaction and endangering the human survival.</p>
<p>I don’t give numerical scores; While I know the grading rubric rather well, I prefer to give pointers to places that can use improvement:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Get rid of the I’s, me’s, and my’s. The reader knows this essay is your opinion. Mentioning things such as “according to me” weakens your argument.</p></li>
<li><p>You have some grammatical errors. These aren’t a huge issue when you’re rushed for time, but try your best not to have too many (i.e. save a minute or two at the end to proofread). For practice, go over your essay and spot these errors. This practice will benefit you on the Writing MC as well.</p></li>
<li><p>Your last paragraph is confusing. Are you trying to introduce another piece of evidence? If so, then you ought to actually expand upon that piece of evidence. I currently get the impression that you tried to mash some idea with a conclusion, which turned out to be successful for neither parts of an essay.</p></li>
<li><p>Emphasize your stance by analyzing your example further. Yes, you give great information regarding this politician, but explicitly tie back to the prompt. Shove it in the reader’s face that this evidence is clearly support for your argument (again, without I’s/me’s/my’s).</p></li>
<li><p>Have at least 2 pieces of evidence per essay, preferably from different categories (e.g. current news/modern events and historical example or literary example).</p></li>
</ol>
<p>There’s a couple more things that raise some concern, but these five are the main ones. Good luck and I hope to see your improvement! Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification if you need it.</p>
<p>@chewydog So what can I use instead of I/me/my?
Like should I say that this example supports <em>the statement</em> instead of <em>my claim</em>?</p>
<p>Cut it out completely whenever possible. Otherwise, be as specific as possible–what about the example and what exactly does this component support?</p>
<p>For instance (note that I’m just cutting out the I/me/my stuff in examples due to sets I must deal with):</p>
<p>…“a renowned politician, buttresses the importance of honesty/whatever in individuals.”
…“trying to keep things private just halts this process, hindering further interaction and endangering the human survival.”</p>
<p>yes 4 on 12 … i am glad u accept criticism… it will help u improve … u may even use this conservation as an examole on the SAT :)) … Is criticism beneficial ? </p>